Online dating how do you give your herpes status in a profile?

[sw85]

Hiey all,

 

I was wondering if some of the brave ones that have come completely out could give me some wisdom.

 

Im going to be based in a city for a few weeks, and am considering making an online profile stating I have herpes, and conducting a bit of a experiment really. I'm not sure Im brave enough to do it when Im back at home, but currently I don't know the locals, so its not a biggy if a few strangers see a photo and my status. But how do you drop that in on a profile? Im not talking about a specific STI dating website, I am probably going to use Plenty of Fish or OKCupid, a generic dating site.

 

Obviously its not the first thing you put in your bio, or intro paragraph, so how have you done it?

 

Much appreciated any ideas

 

Stu

[JessikaRabbit89]

I used POF as an experiment to open up about my status and see how men would respond. I just didn't beat around the bush, I wrote it as honest and humble as I could on my profile, and men still messaged, wanting to get to know me. Most of them thanked me for my honesty because usually people would keep that to themselves until they felt comfortable. I decided to say it straight off the bat so men could make a choice, so they appreciated it. I even had men who also had herpes message me as well after seeing my profile, it made it easier for them to find a woman a lot like them. I only had 2 people with negative comments and that's because they knew nothing about the virus. So in the end it was a truly positive experience. I hope it works out for you too :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I did exactly this last year, and when I get men who actually READ the profile (Soooo tired of guys who don't even get through the first few paragraphs... and it's obvious when they don't :p )the vast majority appreciate my honesty and many are willing to start a conversation and see if there is a connection. Still haven't met "the one" but that is in part because I am picky - the older I get the more I know about what won't work for me (like young kids and smoking and biker dudes ;) ) which ends up with many just not being a good match for me.....

 

You can see my profile here ... best way to let you know how I went about it ;)

 

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/wcswingdancer44

[sw85]

Thanks ladies, I hope for a positive experience too. Maybe I'll draft something and maybe you guys could proof it, maybe advise me on it?

 

I've had a brief spell with online dating few years ago, and never had a message from women unless I initiated contact, as ladies do you look for guys and message them?

 

 

[vanessayee]

I have been on okcupid and just disclosed when private messaging to some guys after talking to them for a while, but I haven't put in up front on my profile, I was thinking if I should do that though. Haven't been brave enough to put it on my profile since I don't want ppl in my city who know me to find out, but I kinda like the idea because it would save time.

 

I disclosed to 2 guys when it was relatively early but not too late but so far after I disclosed to them on there, I never heard back from them again. One guy said it was scary and didn't know enough about it and didn't bother to want to know more about it and then we stopped talking. Anyways, sometimes I throw a "like" on someones profile if I'm interested in them and then that guy usually messages me first. Usually I don't have to though and I'd get msgs initiated from guys, but I haven't had lasting success on there so far.

 

Sometimes these sites have something where it shows who likes who and who is a match with who or you will see who has been checking out your profile then from there it should be easy to msg them.

 

I think on some of these sites there might even be an std column that you can check or uncheck as well. I didn't see it on ok cupid, but I've heard somewhere that some generic dating sites have that option

 

 

[In_The_Same_Boat]

I think it's great idea to experiment in a new city! Sounds like a good way to try it out. About women messaging men: When I was "looking", I would occasionally message someone if I liked his profile, but the trouble is, women tend to get LOTS of messages, partly because there are more men than women on many sites… So- if a woman gets more messages than she can read and sort through on a daily basis, she might be more inclined to check as many profiles of the guys who have sent her messages as she can- and looking at other profiles might go by the wayside. That's my two cents. Good luck!

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I've been dabbling with online dating, and do message men that have interesting profiles, but from what I understand women do get faaaarrrr more messages than men. So ya, it can be tricky and time-consuming for women to read all the messages/profiles. If you're using this as a test phase, be brave and bold and message away, because you really have nothing to lose! I have dated men but have not been in a position to disclose. I am taking the approach that I would like to invest time in getting to know them (to decide if I actually even want to disclose) and giving them the opportunity to know me in case I do want to disclose. I don't know how this will all pan out, and I could possibly face resentment for not disclosing sooner, but this is where I am at on this journey right now and feel I would be doing them a disservice by not letting them see what they might be walking away from. This could all change, but already I have walked away from a few people because of things not even remotely related to sex or herpes. I am also enjoying the process of leading with my head and heart... it's been an eye-opening experience, and total game changer for me. Herpes is by far the best chastity belt ever! Lol. Anyways, good luck with this experiment and keep us posted! I hope to do some extended traveling myself this year and might consider trying something similar. All the best and safe travels!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Sometimes I send the first message, sometimes I don't. Depends on my mood but women in general actually DO want to be woo'd and pursued (no matter what they tell you!)...

 

@vanessayee

 

I have a suggestion for you.. either disclose in your profile or wait until you get to know them... that way, the ones who don't want to take a minute to get educated while they are getting to know you (because they don't have anything invested in you) won't bother you.

 

The plus-side of disclosing on the profile is you cut your contacts (at least the ones who READ the profile!) down to the seriously relationship minded who put your honesty and vulnerability over a small risk.

 

The plus side of waiting is that those who might click on (because they are just plain ignorant and don't want to take the time right now to get informed) when they saw your disclosure may become invested enough in you to get educated.

 

So in the end you have to decide what you are looking for, and what your comfort level is with each kind of reaction :)

[sw85]

thanks for the comments, yes I guess its the same in whatever format the man chases the woman. That was my understanding that women get way more messages, and me having h has got to be an easy filter.

 

I didn't set anything up in the end, my plans changed and I'm moving on to Australia. So didnt try any dating. . Ill try when im based back at home, but for the same reason as @vanessayee I wont be putting it in my profile for fear of people in my city finding out. Sad I know, Im buying into the stigma, but I can't help it, it's too scary. This whole situation is. I'm off to find a distraction its too upsetting.

 

Thanks for your advice and responses

[Labyrinthgddss]

There was another member on this site that used it as her "wing man" and totally owned it. She had it on her dating profiles and basically used it to weed out the ones that would be flighty. Wish I could remember her name...but anyways I decided that idea was an awesome idea and incorporated it into my dating profile- with some mixed results. Lol you can always tell which don't read and just judge based on pictures. So typically I would just straight up ask right off the bat-how do you feel abt dating someone with herpes. There were also times when I would tell them to go read my profile then decide if they actually wanted to talk to me. Honestly, it doesn't matter if they live in your city-if it's a big enough city chances are you wont see them.

[sw85]

Its more the possibility of someone I may know finding out seeing my profile and outing me so to speak. This I realise is utterly letting stigma control me, but am to scared.

[Labyrinthgddss]

I just told everyone. And I also told them I dont know how I got it. When I found out I was working at a different job and I told my female coworkers-they helped me research it and everything. It is scary. It is terrifying to think of dating because now its not just you-its you with something that can be life altering. When I found out, I had no idea where i got it from because I am super careful about protection and such- so I am pretty convinced that I got it when I was younger because I dont remember ever having OBs (however later i was able to identify OB and I realized I have had them most of my life). We only found out because my dr ran a full blood work during my physical and I was sexually active at the time. I felt such shame having to call my exs and tell them-but they took it like men (lol) and a few assured me they get tested regularly for that kind of stuff so it was ok.

What I got from telling others who didn't know me was occassionally scorn but I know those people aren't worth my time. Those who know and love me, yes even my exs, are there for me. Always.

Yup, there can be public shame. However I just remind them that 8 in 10 people don't know they have the herpes virus, so me knowing I have it means a better chance of making sure I don't spread it to others and that I am better prepared to protect those I am involved with. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

There was another member on this site that used it as her "wing man" and totally owned it. She had it on her dating profiles and basically used it to weed out the ones that would be flighty. Wish I could remember her name...but anyways I decided that idea was an awesome idea and incorporated it into my dating profile- with some mixed results. Lol you can always tell which don't read and just judge based on pictures. So typically I would just straight up ask right off the bat-how do you feel abt dating someone with herpes. There were also times when I would tell them to go read my profile then decide if they actually wanted to talk to me. Honestly, it doesn't matter if they live in your city-if it's a big enough city chances are you wont see them.

 

Well, I'm one of them ... also @ShaeShae and @JessikaRabbit89 among others.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/dating-online-my-personal-experience-with-being-out-and-proud/

 

 

 

What I tell people who are considering coming out ..

 

1) Don't do it while you are fragile or unable to take things personally. Once you understand that any negativity that comes you way is not about YOU, it's about that person and their own ignorance and ugliness, you are in the right place to *consider* coming out.

 

2) Don't do it if you fear rejection ... for all the reasons above. When you come to understand that your reaction to rejection is an automatic reaction to keep you "behaving" so that you won't be rejected by the "tribe" and thus eaten by the Sabre Toothed Tiger, you can *consider* coming out.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

3) Don't do it if you are worried about what others *think* about you... again, ditto above

 

4) DO realize that yes, Herpes makes a great Wingman (I coined this point of view awhile back ... blog on this below) because you can use it to attune your BS meter and your Asshole meter as well as helping you to see who wants to get into YOU, rather than just GETTING INTO you ... (and this counts even for FWB/Casual relationships which should still have an element of TRUST in them)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

Coming out isn't for everyone. And that's ok ... but I WILL tell you that I know about 6 or 7 people who are totally out, and while we still have our speed bumps with it, our general experiences are VERY positive ones.... we get far, FAR more people THANKING us than any negative commentary.... Sure, I just had a guy walk away from me (to be honest I was coming to realize we were probably not a great match anyway) not as much because I had Herpes, but more because as an advocate, likely his friends would find out (I had pointed that out to him) and he couldn't deal with that and the possibility that *if* we didn't make it, no one would want to date the guy who dated the girl with Herpes. And you know what? I appreciated his honesty because it showed me where his priorities were and *I* wasn't one of them... and that's just fine by me. I don't take that personally. I know that as an Advocate any guy who stands by me will have to have a lot of strength and self awareness. And that's a LOT to ask for. But I believe the wait will be worth it :)

 

These links may also help you ...

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes

 

 

VERY Raw and unapologetic truths about dating with herpes

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html

 

 

[Labyrinthgddss]

@WCSDancer2010 I hadnt realized it was you but I am glad you did. I couldn't remember where I read what you had posted but I do know it helped a lot- so thank you!