Disclosing tomorrow or this weekend to new boyfriend.

[inspired32]

Hi, I think my last posts were deleted in that week there was a problem with the site. My name is Alexa and I am just seeking support right now. I have herpes type one on my genitals.. Diagnosed 4 years ago in May 2011. I am now 23 and 4 years later have still not had another outbreak or even symptoms since my initial outbreak back then. I have disclosed to a few past partners and had only success. I have a new boyfriend now who I have been seeing for 2 months. We made it official two weeks ago and he is the most respectful guy I've ever met. We have only made out in these 2 months and have been naked but don't hook up. It is starting to feel awkward to me that he doesn't even try anything. Although it's a relief it's getting to a point where I need intimacy with him and I know before it happens I need to disclose. I find it odd that me and him don't even talk about sex or sexual related topics which is why I feel awkward finding the right moment to bring up my herpes. I'm thinking I could start off by saying I really like you and I really want to be intimate with you but there is something I want to talk with you about first. Then say it. What are some opinions you have on this? I really want to have sex with him... He has touched me before but for like 2 seconds then stops... Same with me because I don't wanna fully please him before he attempts to please me. We just don't talk about it!! It's killing me! Is he shy or have anxiety or sense me slowing down? I just need to get my disclosure on the table so we can open up this dialogue and have sex!!

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Sounds like he may not be very experienced in bed?!? Have you asked him about his previous sex life?

 

If I were you I would tread lightly about your status based on this. To me it sounds like he is already anxious about something sex related, and although all us of here know that ghsv1 is normally not a big deal as far as transmission, it may spook him even further. Try to find out the underlying reason why he shows little interest in rumbling around in the hay, and then based on that you can decide whether or not it's the right time to disclose.

[inspired32]

You really think so? That's what's making this different than any situation I've been in. I'm generally a very sexual person and when I get in relationships I'm used to the guy trying and then making me feel obligated to have sex so fast and also in turn rushing my disclosure. So I love that he's slow and doesn't even make me feel that way! But at the same time it's getting to be enough... And how do you suggest even bringing up this topic? Btw he is very romantic and affectionate in all other aspects... Sorry if tmi but he has touched me down there just doesn't keep it going he stops.

[Ihaveittoo1975]

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that he is progressing slowly with sex, but the fact he wont talk about it is what is raising a flag for me. And it's obviously bothering you. Communication (about anything) in a relationship is vital and the only way to actually get to know your partner well.

 

Would it be too much to simply ask him if there is something bothering him, or if he simply wants to proceed slow? If you don't ask you may never know as he doesn't seem to open up voluntarily.

[inspired32]

Thanks for your Input. I'm not sure I agree with you about it being some sort of flag because I only see it as strange and uncommon. If he were hiding something like an std I'd be so excited because it would take pressure off me. It's good he's slow my purposes which he doesn't even know yet and there have been a few times we got hot and heavy so I know he's capable and I've seen his package. Haha. I just think this will open the door to talk about intimacy with him and see where his head is at. I see herpes as a chance to kill a lot of birds with one stone where it establishes vulnerability, the sex talk, emotional depth and furthering and deepening a relationship all in one so that's why I think it'll be fine

[WCSDancer2010]

I always believe that the universe sends us ALL what we need right now - and it looks like the lesson here is how to learn to communicate better.

 

I would start with a general conversation about how you think you guys are at the point where you will likely be having sex and that as ADULTS you should be able to talk about all aspects of sex comfortably and openly with each other .... then see if you can get him to respond. If you don't get much, tell him you really appreciate how much he's respected YOUR choice about going slow... and that has made you feel safe to be with him and to talk about these personal matters. If you think he's up for it, tell him you care for him a lot and thus you TRUST him enough to share something with him about your health that he deserves to know before you get intimate ... then ask him if he's ever gotten a cold sore ... with HSV1, that's the best way to open the door about GHSV1 ... because if the answer is yes, you have the perfect segue to how you got it.

 

Personally, I'm sorta wondering if HE has herpes and is afraid to tell YOU about it... ;)

[inspired32]

Thank you so much! that was extremely helpful. I think what you said is a beautiful approach that i am now eager to take. I am bummed because tonight we hung out and went hiking with his friend and didn't get any time alone and after he had me go home to sleep because he wants to get better (he's been sick all week). i am exploding inside and I am very upset I missed a chance. I am seeing him all weekend starting saturday for a day beach party (can't do it till that night) I may die... ;) jk but honestly I am so bottled up I almost cried on my drive home tonight. I have been a mess all week no appetite and feeling sick to my stomach. I need to let this off my chest and I am ready just still very anxious and nervous. Wish me luck! I am going to do it saturday night no matter what this is getting out!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

We're pulling for you over here!!! Think of us if you are freaking out and know we are all behind you!

[dreamingofsomeone167]

Good luck @inspired keeping fingers crossed for you! I'll be doing the same thing

[inspired32]

thank you so much you guys! i wanted to update on here. i chose to finally disclose on saturday night. we were out at a bar and ended up unexpectedly talking about how we met and the feelings we both had which was a vulnerable topic we havnt discussed. I thought wow the universe is setting me right up to disclose with a PRE vulnerable topic ;) when we got home we were both getting ready for bed. we started kissing and i brought up how much i like him. when i then said i really want to be intimate with you he agreed but as it got more heated i had to stop again... and said first tho there is something id like to discuss with you before we do. and i asked him if he has ever had cold sores? he said no and i said well i sometimes get them just down there. i went on to tell him about both types because he didn't even know. he did say he has been tested recently and was negative for all stds and i did say herpes is separate test he said yes i know it is i got that too and I'm negative. so i didn't want to overwhelm him with TMI but i also wanted to plant some herpes info seeds in his head so he isn't misinformed of our safety. when i asked if he's ok with this? he said i really like being with you and i just want to know your limits. I'm really happy he obviously is accepting of it.. but did say he had no condoms at his house and when we got more kissing in he stopped and i asked him whats wrong he said its a lot to process right now. we spent all today together we had plans already... and things are fine i made a joke that i have so many issues (stomach, celiac.. etc.) and he said I'm still with you aren't i?? haha so i think it'll all be ok in time i just am not very anxious to have sex with him. i also always fear the guy will have time to himself and change his mind but i don't think that'll be the case. thanks for all your support. i will update again if anything comes up and certainly after we are finally intimate for the fist time!

[inspired32]

and I left out the reason he didn't try to have sex with me or try intimacy was because he felt that i didn't want to. he sensed it (not herpes but me pulling back) because he said every time he kinda tried he felt stopping or pulling back. and he thought maybe i was prude or just to let me go at my own pace. i definitely clarified that one ;)

[WCSDancer2010]

LOL - well at least now you cleared up a bunch of things with him and yes, he will need time to process all of that ... and guys just tend to need time to digest stuff that they don't understand, especially when it's attached to body parts associated with sex...LOL

 

This will give you a good giggle while he sorts things out in his head :)

 

[inspired32]

I re read my comment and sorry I meant I AM VERY anxious to have sex with him.. Lol and thank you that video cracked me up this morning as I was rolling out of bed :)

[inspired32]

I just wanted to update you all on what is going on with my boyfriend. Since disclosing everything went back to normal. He seemed to be a tad quiet the every next day but also we spent that day together so I just have him his quiet. I noticed that very next week he started finally touching me we both fooled around and then finally last week he out of the blue after a night out tried to have sex with me- no condom and never even asked if I'm on birth control! I guess he didn't really have anymore concerns after my disclosure?! I am on birth control btw .. And would never let a guy finish in me. He is clean himself so I'm not too worried if he's ok with it. The only problem is he doesn't stay hard and it's a bummer so far but we are definitely getting closer and things feel really nice with him. If after several weeks w doesn't stay hard and we still don't have a fully finished sex session I may have to say something?

[inspired32]

Also I showed him the video above and he said it's totally true! Haha

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @inspired32, happy to hear that things are progressing between you too, however, you should probably try to talk to him about everything. Sex is something that should be talked about between people. It's not the most comfortable conversation for some, but if you open up the lines of communication, it will serve you both in other areas of your relationship. You both know what's happening, so what's the harm in casually asking, with compassion, maybe once your cuddling afterwards, 'is everything ok? I notice you don't always stay hard, and i just want to know what's on your mind'... maybe he's just scared on contracting it.... it's probably something that's on the minds of every H+ and H- couple at first. I know it was for me and my boyfriend, but we took it slow and use condoms, and things are totally fine now. If it's that reason, maybe you should introduce condoms as it might help put his mind at ease a bit. And maybe, it's something else all together. What if this is a common issue for him and that's why he didn't talk about sex or take action in the earlier stages. Who knows, I am just guessing, but in not asking him or having an open heart-to-heart, so are you. You've braved a difficult conversation in disclosing, so trust that you have the strength and courage to brave another. Be honest with him, and allow him to be honest with you. It can only make things better. Hope this helps a little...

[fitgirl]

@inspired32 my take on the situation is that his initial timid approach to you sexually was due to his erectile issue and he had likely had some problems with ED that precede you and have NOTHING to do with herpes. Knowing how hard it was for you to talk about herpes, imagine how hard it is for a man to talk about ED. It can be a very imasculating thing for men to admit they struggle with it so they tend not to talk about sex or the problems they are having down low. Be VERY sensitive to this...... show the compassion you needed when disclosing herpes and be patient with him. Ask him if there is anything you can do that turns him on or if there are any positions that are better for him before you start asking about it directly. It might be he is unsure of himself in bed, it might be that he is scared (not of herpes but of not pleasing you), it might be that he has plumbing issues (which is common). I recommend reading up on ED and find out its causes and get an understanding of it before the conversation so if it is a real issue for him, you are equipped to say the right things. So much of sexual performance anxiety is about what is going on in the man's head about not being good enough, this may have nothing to do with herpes at all but it is a good parallel. You can bond over the feelings that come with both ailments. I have been with a man who struggled the ED and he got all the medical checks and he was fine physically so I started talking to him about his emotions surrounding sex (the issue didn't start with me) and he had a hard time (pardon the pun :) articulating "why" he couldn't stay hard. He seemed to want to blame the position or the angle :). I felt like it was me actually....like I wasn't turning him on enough. He quickly and adamantly said that was not the case. So we started working around it, got some blue pills, talked a bit but mostly did everything and anything to enjoy sex and as time went on he got better (not in a complete sense) but his erections lasted longer and he got hard in more positions. The position he preferred was one that he stayed hard and climaxed. So we played and had sex in other positions, used toys and did the things that made me climax before going to his position where he climaxed! It was ALL GOOD! Just like herpes, there are many ways to have a sexually fulfilling relationship and ways to work around the challenges. It makes for a much more interesting sexual experience at the end of the day.

 

[Herpetologist]

As a man, it could just be that he's inexperienced/nervous. After getting H in my teenage years, I had a problem with "finishing". There was no ED involved, but I couldn't climax.....of course, it took me years (and a few partners) to figure out that it was because I was subconsciously terrified of transmitting. Getting over that and actually being emotionally intimate with partners changed all that.

 

Have him "wrap it up" and see if it helps. Maybe he's nervous and doesn't even know it. Or maybe it'll just get better the closer you get.

[WCSDancer2010]

I have to back up what @fitgirl said... there can be many reasons for ED ... everything from what @Herpetologist said ... BUT, it explains why he was so slow to initiate sex/intimate contact, so I'm guessing that whatever the cause this isn't anything new. I've also dated a man with ED and JUST LIKE HERPES the stigma of having ED to a man (for ANY reason) often sends them into many of the same self-deprecating and socially limiting behaviors as herpes. I agree that you really should do some research about the causes AND how to approach him about it because (again like Herpes) guys often feel like noone will love them because they can't "do their job" with regards to sex.. and learning how to support him while he learns to live with it can make all the difference to how they learn to live (and love) with ED .

 

And BTW, my BEST lover/BF so far was the guy with ED. Lets just say he had learned to be really gifted with other ways to please me ... likely because he couldn't rely on the "tool of the trade" to be reliable enough ... so dating a guy with ED can be a VERY good thing :)