Losing hope...

[Blindsided]

It might've been a good thing it took so long to get registered on here. If I was able to post a few days ago I'd be much more grim. I just don't know what to do. I believe my ex of two years had given it to me before we broke up a month ago. I'm a 29 year old guy that just wanted to find "the one" and have children, now I fear the odds are even more against me. It started with flu like symptoms and then the small outbreaks on my legs. I have ALOT of tingling / burning all over my legs, more outside the outbreak for sure.

 

I've been on anti-viral medicine for almost a full week and the physical pain is getting better but the physiological....god...it's brutal. I'm trying to look at the silver lining but it's so hard. I really am, what most would consider, a very attractive person. I'm in shape, I eat right, I have a good heart. Now I feel so disgusting and dirty. Every girl that ever see's me again will think I'm just a man whore. I can count the number of partners in my life on one hand. The social stigma around this disease is unbearable.

 

Thank you for this community. Thank you to the moderators here whose kind words to others has helped me already. If there is any words of encouragement or advice please give them to me. If there's anyone out there that was recently diagnosed and feels as helpless and alone as I do, contact me. I feel like I'm the only one going through this. I read the statistics but it doesn't help, I still feel like a leper. I've spent countless hours researching and reading this forum and it really has helped but I have such a long way to go. Does it ever get better?

 

[OutOfWit]

I am at work but wanted to respond quickly.... Yes it will get better. It's normal to feel all these emotions. Come on here post, read others posts to work through them. This site is a great support. I have atypical case but for most it gets easier over time and you will find that person who will love you and accept you with herpes.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

I'm recently diagnosed, and I went through the same waves of emotion. I'm the same way - count 'em on one hand - and the stigma is just unreal.

 

I wrote a post on perspective that I got from various friends (here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6714/perspective#latest) but wanted to pull a quote from my doctor:

 

"Listen, someone is going to love you for all of you. When I came to this country 7 years ago, I was with my husband from an arranged marriage who was abusive and my son. My husband left me all alone, and sometimes I look at my child and think "who will love me with this?" and I realize that the person that I'm meant to be with will love me and all of this. Not despite of, but because of, all that I am. And that includes my son. And you will find that love that loves everything for you. "

 

The truth is, anyone that gets to know you - the real you - will want to be with you. What's the saying? Warts and all. In this case, it's herpes and all. There are SO many things about everyone that could cause a bump in the road with the wrong person. Sexually, it could be an STI. Maybe VERY painful sex. Maybe someone is asexual. Then, on top of that, there are the mental struggles - depression, alcoholism, feelings of inadequacy. Or how about financial ruin? Aimless in career? Lost jobs? Your mother lives with you. Whoever loves you, loves you for all of you.

 

The biggest challenge we face is that our bump in the road is contagious, so we have to reveal it on purpose, rather than organically. But this doesn't mean that you need to tell anyone sooner than you're comfortable with. Trust me, a girl is going to think you're the most gentlemanly person in the world when you court her and don't try to push into her apartment on the first, third date.

 

You are still you. You are the only one that knows the difference in the "before herpes" and "after herpes" you unless you let this stupid virus change the core of you. And that would just be stupid. You can still make jokes, eat well, workout, and be a thoughtful sweet and kind human. This thing can make you weaker or make you stronger. It can let you recognize and refuse to give in to stress. It can give you perspective on life - I know for me, I just think "hey, I'm still really effing lucky in my friends, my travels, my work, my general health, my family." You still have all of those things. Your life is still there, waiting for you to get back to it stronger.

 

For statistics, when I tell people they really really help me with perspective. 16% of people have this. 80% don't show symptoms and they don't test for this in an STI panel. With those facts alone it's TOTALLY understandable how we get this. And by telling someone, when you're ready, you're going to look brave, strong, and thoughtful of someone else's health over your own fears of rejection.

 

It will get better. Then it might get a little worse. But then it will be better. It's a roller coaster for most everyone. Stay strong!!

[fitgirl]

@blindsided the early days are always hard. We all have felt the way you do at some point. The best thing you can do for yourself is start by removing the label in YOUR mind. You are still the same guy you were before you had herpes, herpes doesn't change you and it doesn't define you it just reminds you that there is more to you and to life than looks and sex. There are plenty of women out there that won't judge or reject you over a mere skin condition. The quality wife and family you seek is just as attainable as it was before. I know it feels like your life is over but is really is just beginning. Accept and love yourself for all that you are.... that is step one. This really does get easier just be patient with yourself it takes time to get past the stage you are in but you will get there.

[Blindsided]

Thank you, you three. I know I have to be stronger and realize that H doesn't define who I am. I know I can accept and deal with this. I think the biggest issue I'm having right now is reading all the female stories on here. I'm in pain, in some very embarrassing places, but I'm still able to function. This go's far beyond half of what I'm reading women go through.

 

I can't even fathom putting a girl at that risk, whether she thinks she understands or not. The thought of being responsible for someone's debilitating pain is mind numbing. How easy is it to get a doctor to prescribe suppressive therapy treatment? What are anyone's thoughts on it? If I do find the right one, and she understands, I want to be as low of a risk as possible. Thank you all again for helping me through this. Reading these stories I really do believe this community has saved a few lives.

[fitgirl]

@Blindsided not everyone has bad OB's, you will just hear more about them on here. If you find the right girl, supressive meds are going to dramatically reduce the risk. You can get an RX from planned parenthood, a GP, a STI clinic.... I am on 500mg daily to protect my H- partner but the meds have also dramatically reduced the frequency and severity of my OB's. being on the meds and having a loving, supportive partner makes herpes virtually irrelevant in my life. It doesn't have to consume you :)

[Blindsided]

Thank you, that really is good to hear. I think I'm going to start and see about getting on suppressive medicine for at least the first year. Emotionally I've come a long way just in the last two weeks thanks to this forum.

[OutOfWit]

i live in Pennsylvania and I find the doctors are very accommodating when it comes to suppressive therapy- also it is very accessible and affordable with insurance. I think it's great that you are trying to prevent from transmitting it to prospective partners. You sound like a wonderful person. Can't wait to hear your success story in the near future!

[Brynn2012]

@Blindsided

 

I read through a few of the other people's comments and I don't want to detract from what they're saying by repeating it :). I was diagnosed in June of this year and I have gone through the proverbial ups and downs. The enlightening moments, the reckless anger, the wallowing, the bombardment of information, and the moments I totally lost it. All in all, I feel alone too. So if you ever want to talk to, direct message me!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Blindsided

 

First - everything that has been said is right along the lines of what I would have said... and I just want to point out a few more things:

 

You are worried about being responsible for transmitting to a woman (admitting that we can have FAR worse symptoms thanks to the layout of our lady-bits). Remember, 80% of people don't know they have it... which means 80% don't have symptoms. AND .. in the remaining 20%, only a few will have a "bad" experience (ie, really extensive OB's, repeat OB's etc) ...many in the 20% only have a few OB's and then things settle down. So it's not at all a definite thing that a woman will have a bad OB ... remember we attract the folks who struggle (one way or another) the worst....the ones with lesser pain/lesions/stress from it may read on here and never comment, or may ask 1 question and we never hear from them again.

 

So just remember that *most* find this to be a nuisance in the long run at worst ... and that if anything, the emotional toll can be the harder thing to deal with. And even then, my observation is that those who get H who KNEW their risks take their diagnosis a LOT better than those who get it from either someone who chooses to not diagnose or who don't know they have it ...likely because of either the feeling of betrayal and/or the reality that sometimes we just don't have total control of what happens to us and/or the human ability to just plain beat ourselves up for not "doing right" and possibly having sex without having had the STD talk/tests. We humans are pretty good at beating ourselves up for stuff that an animal would shrug off (if it noticed it at all). Point being, most of those who get it inside a LOVING, HONEST relationship don't seem to struggle with the stigma and shame anything like those who get it without having being given the choice/knowledge of the risks....

 

Hope these links help a bit... :)

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12 male to female rainyfeather

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6239/10-years-of-herpes-chats-male-experience

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4879/when-to-disclose male to female success

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5369/well-that-was-a-mess-but-success Male to female

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[Anna01]

I am a newbie. Diagnosed in late June. I have hard moments but overall I got this thing in perspective. It is a skin rash and if a guy loves me, he will accept it. You sound like a great guy :) The fact that you care about your potential partners well being speaks volumes. I believe you won't have any trouble with finding a wonderful lady that will love you for you. Just be honest and find comfort in your condition. Some skin condition will not stand in the way. So deal with H, accept it, embrace it and move on. It sounds impossible but it is not. It will be just another part of your life, like a cold or flu. For me, I get more pain from mosquito bites lol. I don't get bad symptoms, so far. I am here to tell you as a woman with HSV1 and HSV2, every persons reaction to the virus is different. IF you do transmit it to a partner, she may be like me and have mild OB. SO don't worry yourself about what may be. Love yourself now so one day you can love another and she can love you too. Don't be afraid. H is not a big deal. We just THINK it is.