How Do You Deal With Herpes Conversations?

[S123]

I may be the only one, however, after I found out I have genital HSV1, the subject of herpes is brought up in general conversations more than ever before. Whether it's peers gossiping about someone with herpes and discussing how they should deal with (such as passing judgments if they're still having sex, or saying it's sad, or dirty, or anything that feeds into the stigma), or any other way of bringing up STDs in general. Being semi-newly diagnosed, I find that I am still rather sensitive about the topic. There was one situation where one of my closest friends made a comment about herpes, and I told her that close to 80% of the population has herpes because of cold sores, and that most people are exposed to it as children. Since she is a nursing major, this statement was later supported in one of her classes. Nevertheless, I realized it just creates an environment where I feel very isolated from the people around me. I'm a college student, and I've realized people are not exactly open minded when it comes to these topics. Although it may be from ignorance, or stigma, it still makes these conversations awkward. I tend to just sit there as they discuss it, silently offended. I know that what they're saying isn't true, and I'll respond in my mind with facts and statistics to remind myself of just that. However, it still hurts my feelings and makes me feel as though nobody will accept this.

So here is my question, how do you guys handle conversations related to herpes within non-romantic relationships? I feel as though having the talk with someone you're interested in romantically is one thing, but non-romantic relationships open a completely different issue.

Additionally, does that feeling of embarrassment, guilt, sadness and shame go away over time?

Do others feel blind sided by the topic, and unsure of what to say? I feel as though if I respond with facts and statistics it gives away that I have it, but if I ignore it I'm adding to the stigma.

[msmee]

Well I'm 34 years old so this may have to do with my age, but I couldn't care less about schooling someone. My social circle is more experienced and more exposed and knows that with all the risks we've taken collectively, herpes is not the worst of it. I think certain friends of mine definitely get weird around the topic but those are the friends that know they're current or past behavior has them worried. I choose when I throw out facts and when I don't and it's rare that I have to because the people I associate with just aren't like that. I did hear an idiot ex of mine talking about some girl having herpes and I gently reminded him that he's been exposed to everything and lucky to be alive. I also laughed at the idea that just because u don't have an std that u know of, that it's ok to shame someone that does. I didn't tell him about my status but again I really don't care about most people knowing. I think with time and age possibly, you'll become more confident and find a way to educate others or literally brush them off as idiots.

[WCSDancer2010]

@S123

 

So remember one thing: Until your diagnosis, odds are your thought might have been as ill-educated and ignorant as theirs. If it was otherwise, you wouldn't be feeling as sensitive to this as you are. It's just now you notice the conversations more because you have bought into the thought that they are talking about something that reflects on you.... when in fact it only reflects on THEIR ignorance.

 

You have several options here:

 

You can use this time to allow Herpes to be your Wingman and help you to eliminate the people in your life who are ugly, gossiping, thoughtless, or whatever ... believe me, Herpes is one of the BEST Wingmen out there to figure out who in your life is non-judgemental, willing to learn when they are ill-informed, and generally a positive person to have in your life. Studies show that the top 6-8 people around you are the ones who will influence who you are ... let H help you to figure out who they are.

 

You can choose to educate in a non-committed manner. It's really easy to say "I heard on some TV program" .... or "I read an article somewhere" and then give some facts like "Well, supposedly 80% of the population has the Cold Sore version of herpes.... and most don't know they have it because we are not tested for H when we get our STI exams.... and evidently you can pass that one one via oral sex, so I guess we have ALL been exposed to Herpes at some point or other..... weird, eh?" Anyone who is willing to be educated will be obvious ... perhaps you can then tell them the truth, or you can say "let's look it up" and make sure you know the search terms you want to get to a source like H Opp or my blog (Support Truth and Dialog) to get some solid info. Those who then go on to tell you "facts" about who gets H or whatever, well, that's not the kind of person you want in your inner circle because, as Dr Phil says, they would "rather be right than be happy" ... ie, they are not ready to be open to learning the truth and admitting that THEY have likely been exposed too.....

 

You can just choose to see them for what they are: Ill informed, uneducated, and clueless. And then you CHOOSE whether to remain friends accepting that part of them.

 

The embarrassment is only there because you have bought into the stigma. Because likely you have other issues that have you believing that you are unworthy and unlovable and Herpes just magnifies that and "makes it true" ..... so the way to deal with that is to get some counseling to help you to learn how to love and be compassionate with YOURSELF first and foremost... because when that happens, noone can say or do anything that will make you feel unworthy or shamed.... promise :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/herpes-jokes-getting-the-last-laugh/

 

 

[S123]

@WCSDancer2010 You are absolutely right. Thank you for your response :) I think when I hear things like that, it simply makes me feel like if they knew then they would judge me too. I want to be able to tell my "closest" friends everything, but with this, I am terrified. The feelings of shame and worthlessness are issues that were already present though. As you said. I was already in counseling for depression for years before this and I went to college, got diagnosed and stop going to counseling due to city change all at the same time. So, this has been a bit of a challenge for me. All and all I'm glad I found this place for times where these old feelings are magnified and come creeping back.

[S123]

@msmee I think it has a lot to do with age. I hope one day I get the courage to educate people and contribute to the conversation. I think the issue is mainly confidence within myself. It still feels like a forbidden topic or dirty secret in a way. Thanks for your response!

[2Legit2Quit]

@s123 I had this one friend I had newly gilottwb very close w and she kept pushing me to date and I kept saying I couldn't and maybe one day I'd tell her.. Months later there was all this build up and I finally told her after the gym and she laughed and said:"that's all you had to tell me!? Omg, I thought you were going to tell me something serious or something, like you had a sex change" (mo, I look nothing like a man, she was just being funny) but I felt so much relief.. She said girls, that's nothing. I have two gfs w it and they're both married now. Nobody I told, made a big deal out of it, so stop fretting and I've told quite a few people, including my hair dresser!

[Anna01]

For me, I personally do not care at all what someone has to say about me if they find out I have herpes. They hold no weight in my life and have no idea who I am, so why care what their opinions are. Luckily, the people I am around are very mature and they don't talk or gossip about others health issues or personal business. I have NEVER heard anyone gossip about someone have herpes. I am 26 years old and have never heard that. So I don't know how that feels. Most of the time people speak negatively of others to try to elevate themselves or to prove that they are someone who doesn't have an sti's. They speak out of ignorance. 9 times out of 10 they have never been tested for herpes, so they have no clue whether they really have it or not. I was actually hanging out with a couple of girl coworkers the other day and they made a super innocent herpes joke. It didn't bother me in the lease because I knew they didn't mean anything by it. Plus it was degrading people with herpes. They said something was the herpes of its kind because it is permanent. I didn't care at all.

[S123]

Maybe I'm just sensitive on the topic. In general, I have a very hard time trusting and opening up to people. But I have told 2 friends and they were both supportive when I told them. Nevertheless one of them has made comments that hurt my feelings after me telling her. (Which she didn't do on purpose and I basically avoided confronting her about.) I was mainly curious of other people's experiences. Thanks for the responses :) @Anna01 @2Legit2Quit It sounds like I'm more concerned with made up scenerios than reality lol

[2Legit2Quit]

Well I won't lie, I had what I thought was a best friend of 20yrs, so completely let me down. When I told her, she wasn't supportive (we live two hrs apart) and she seemed like she wanted to avoid talking about it. When I brought it up to her a second time in person, she looked down. Like she was a shamed and didn't want to talk about it. This ultimately made me realize, I had been doing all the work to keep our friendship alive since I moved away 15yrs ago, all by myself. I was there for her during her breakup of a very long term relationship and got zero support from her for this and even surgeries. She suddenly put all her time into a friend who was a high school best friend who put nothing into their friendship and she did all the work and just gloseed over me. She's someone who is not squeamish about things, yet I felt she treated me like a leper when I brought the topic up. I learned she's more selfish than I ever realized and ONLY cares about those in her family and friends in her immediate vicinity.

 

So w that said, here I was doing all the work, for someone who really didn't give two shits about our friendship anymore. She was amazing when we lived in the same city, but after that nothing.. It was heartbreaking to loose what I felt was my sister, but at the same time, I'm glad H exposed me to learn that I was the only person depositing into a bank account and she was either withdrawing nothing or was withdrawing on a negative balance.

 

I share this story w you, so as to prepare you for some unexpected reactions. Outside of this one person, for whom I've known the longest out of anyone I disclosed too; she was the most disappointing, selfish and lacking in empathy. Most will be supportive, but be prepared for someone who you think would be the most supportive, coukd be like what I experienced.

 

Either way, it told me that I needed to boot this person out of my life, she brought no good to it and onky thought of herself and those she wanted to think about only.

[S123]

Update: I just had a conversation with my friend about HSV and we were talking about the difference between HSV1 and HSV2. She kept resting on her opinion that HSV2 was nasty and HSV1 was normal. Although I have HSV1, I kept trying to inform her that it was essentially the same virus. She was saying that HSV2 is gross if it occurs on the lips, and I was trying to explain to her that it's actually less contagious than the typical "cold sore" virus. I don't think that what I was saying was fully getting across to her. However, it's a step for me. I didn't even feel uncomfortable discussing it. (and I even considered telling her about my status). I just thought it was interesting that she felt like one was okay (HSV 1) and one was not (HSV 2), when either one could occur anywhere. I also brought light to the fact that images shown in health classes or that come up on google are typically the worst case scenerio and rare, and most people don't have symptoms at all. There was a lot of things that I feel like she didn't know, and as a nursing major she was explaining a few biological differences of the two to me, which were some things that I didn't know. It was a good conversation. If anyone is struggling to talk to their friends such as I was, I just wanted to let them know it really does get easier, as long as they're ready to not take what the person is saying personally ;) good luck!

[StillMeButWiser]

In order for me to tell, they have to earn my trust. If herpes come in a random comment or convo with random acquaintances while I'm out I let it go. No need for them to know. Shortly after being diagnosed, I was sitting at a bar with a guy friend who knew my status. A group of younger people standing next to me. One made a herpes comment. My friend kicked me. It bothered me but still let it go.

[Anna01]

@S123 Fantastic :) Not your friend haha.....but you! You handled that like a pro. It is amazing how misinformed we are about this virus until we discover we carry it. Like what the hell is the big difference between HSV1 and HSV2?!?! Haha I bet you wanted to shake her like "No....listen to ME...I know ok" I also talk to my friends about it and disclosed to a really good friend of mine a couple weeks ago. We talked about it like I was talking about the weather. He was so impressed by how I am handling it and he wrote me later that night "I am wondering why I never pursued a relationship with you".

 

@StillMeButWiser I am with you on the trust thing. I am still yet to tell random people but it does help when I talk to my people about it. I feel it will get easier and easier and who knows, maybe one day I can be like Dancer.

[WCSDancer2010]

If anyone is struggling to talk to their friends such as I was, I just wanted to let them know it really does get easier, as long as they're ready to not take what the person is saying personally ;) good luck!

 

Really, how can you take anything personally/seriously when YOU know what they are saying is a complete load of crap? And *most* people who are "grossed out" by herpes are that way simply because of THEIR ignorance..... it blows my mind sometimes how much bad/incorrect info there is out there about Herpes and STD's in general.

 

As for discussions: I sat with 2 guy friends in the Diner last night discussing H again ... completely openly. I love it that I can share with people and that it's just another topic of conversation ;)

 

 

[S123]

@WCSDancer2010 Exactly! When I was referencing how worst case scenerios are presented in most pictures for things I could see the expression on her face change as she considered it. Then I brought up that most people don't even have symptoms. She seemed to know a good amount of info about HSV1 being cold sores and "normal" but I kept reminding her that the main difference between HSV1 and HSV2 is their site of preference. I feel like as I get older and more comfortable with being open with people, in general, maybe H will become a standard coversation for me too :)

 

@stillmebutwiser It is DEFINITELY a trust thing. I've told 2 close friends, one has completely forgotten, gets cold sores and told me it's no big deal nobody cares and I'm being dramatic. The other told me the same thing when I shared my status with her, but has made some comments since then that were not exactly sensitive (yet she seemed to realize it hurt my feelings immediately afterwards). Everyone else I have been too afraid to tell because I generally don't trust people.

 

 

@anna01 and as @WCSDancer2010 said, before I learned of my status, I was extremely misinformed myself. To only think of my initial reaction! The way I cried and locked myself away you would've thought I was told I had 3 months to live and would kill anyone that ever touched me. I thought my sex life was over, I felt dirty, gross, ashamed. I thought God was punishing me for being sexually active, and at one point I thought I was never going to be able to have kids. Not to mention what I thought was destined of my love life! If I had these thoughts, How could I ever blame someone else for having them too? :) Learning facts changed my opinion, so I should feel comfortable enough to inform others too. It's not a big deal at all, and we're all just people. It's amazing how all of this has made me grow as a person.

[hippyherpy]

Do you try to down play what having herpes is like or do you not bother? On the one hand, it would seem to make sense to try to explain that it isn't a big deal, on the other you might sound too try hard trying to "sell" herpes in a way.

[WCSDancer2010]

@hippyherpy

 

Well, for one thing, you don't "down play" it .... I give people the FACTS ... the very basic statistics (more if they ask/seem open to it), things like 1 in 5 of all people they dated already likely had it and 80% of them likely didn't know it. By showing people that they have very likely been/would be exposed to it if they are dating, makes it more of a "get real" moment.

 

A simple "I care about you. I have this virus. It's a nuisance for me at times but no more. Most people never have symptoms, a few have a tougher time of it, but truth is, 1 in 5 of the people you've dated likely had it and 80% of them wouldn't have known it.. most people get it from someone who is shedding asymptomatically because they don't know they have it, thanks to the fact that it's not tested for in a standard STD test. So it's kinda good news that I *know* I have it ...because if you choose to continue to be with me I promise to do everything I can to keep you from getting it. But I feel you have the right to know. Do you have any questions?"

 

That is an HONEST disclosure that hides nothing ... I don't mention the stigma at first because that is a much more personal issue but it will come up ... and I just say I choose not to let the stigma, which is a relatively recent phenomenon thanks to Big Pharma, run my life.

 

One thing I can tell you. The more vulnerable and honest I am, the better it goes ... sure, *some* will choose to not "risk" it (most of them because they are still in denial about the fact that there's a really good chance they've been exposed and WILL be exposed to it in the future ... some because they realize they really don't see a future with me) ... but usually they are FAR kinder about it, and are thankful for the education... at least, what ever part of it they have chosen to believe!

 

And I promise you, if you try to "sell" herpes, you will likely fail big time.... ;)

[hippyherpy]

What about "I have herpes, but I take a pill that makes it almost 100% chance you won't get it.. I don't have breakouts."

[WCSDancer2010]

Outbreaks are not where most people pass it on... the vast majority of people pass it on through asymptomatic shedding..so the statement about not having outbreaks really doesn't mean a lot although to someone who doesn't understand about asymptomatic shedding, they may take that to mean you are 100% safe if you are not having one.

 

Your approach to *me* sounds like downplaying it... and odds are for most won't be enough info to convince them. And I'm assuming they are of sound mind/sober ... if someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, I'd be VERY careful about making sure they really do understand what I'm saying. Far too many people on here admit they "hooked up" with someone after drinking and wouldn't likely have done that if they had been sober.... to wake up the next day, having had sex and vaguely remembering something about "herpes" is likely to send the other person into a full blown panic that they have it now (I've coached those people on here plenty of times too!)

 

If you ALWAYS come from a place where the other person's physical and emotional welfare comes first, you will likely have a lot better relationships (even the casual ones) because you started from a place of building trust... ;)

 

 

[S123]

I've only disclosed once but I asked them if they ever had a cold sore before and then I just said that I hooked up with someone that had a history of getting them and they transitted the virus to me down there. So instead of on my mouth I get it there. That it is extremely unlikely that I pass it on but there is still a very small risk and I wouldn't feel comfortable without telling them. I also added that he was the first person I told so I was nervous to tell him. It was enough for the situation (casual sex with someone I knew before I found out), but in my mind I feel as though I kind of down played it because I didn't mention the word herpes and didn't go deeply into detail, but the guy didn't seem to care. I feel as though for someone you are considering dating, disclosure may require a deeper conversation maybe? Not sure if I'm downplaying it or not..but I tried to say it in the simplest least frightening terms, that didn't ignore the facts. Also, he didn't ask any additional questions, which may be why the conversation didn't get much deeper. @hippyherpy What is your advice/opinion on disclosure this way? @WCSDancer2010

[hippyherpy]

Outbreaks are not where most people pass it on... the vast majority of people pass it on through asymptomatic shedding..so the statement about not having outbreaks really doesn't mean a lot although to someone who doesn't understand about asymptomatic shedding, they may take that to mean you are 100% safe if you are not having one.

 

Your approach to *me* sounds like downplaying it... and odds are for most won't be enough info to convince them. And I'm assuming they are of sound mind/sober ... if someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, I'd be VERY careful about making sure they really do understand what I'm saying. Far too many people on here admit they "hooked up" with someone after drinking and wouldn't likely have done that if they had been sober.... to wake up the next day, having had sex and vaguely remembering something about "herpes" is likely to send the other person into a full blown panic that they have it now (I've coached those people on here plenty of times too!)

 

If you ALWAYS come from a place where the other person's physical and emotional welfare comes first, you will likely have a lot better relationships (even the casual ones) because you started from a place of building trust... ;)

 

 

The thing is that I would be disclosing, and doing what I can in my end to not transmit (Valtrex and condoms), so why would have to get into some big conversation about it if they say they are ok with it?

 

You are right, most people don't know about Asymptomatic shedding, but my job in disclosure (at the very least) is to let them know I have herpes.

 

I do mention in the above that there's still some risk.. it's not lying. Yes, it is an attempt to not make a big deal out of this virus because there's already too much stigma.

 

If I've disclosed, mentioned that there is still some risk, and am taking preventative measures, why is it my responsibility to make sure they are educated on every little detail of the herpes virus?

 

One of the reasons why I'm bringing it up is be that a lot of people who I've told about my herpes have said that I'm making too big a deal out of it. I keep on mentioning it etc.

[WCSDancer2010]

I've only disclosed once but I asked them if they ever had a cold sore before and then I just said that I hooked up with someone that had a history of getting them and they transitted the virus to me down there. So instead of on my mouth I get it there. That it is extremely unlikely that I pass it on but there is still a very small risk and I wouldn't feel comfortable without telling them. I also added that he was the first person I told so I was nervous to tell him. It was enough for the situation (casual sex with someone I knew before I found out), but in my mind I feel as though I kind of down played it because I didn't mention the word herpes and didn't go deeply into detail, but the guy didn't seem to care. I feel as though for someone you are considering dating, disclosure may require a deeper conversation maybe? Not sure if I'm downplaying it or not..but I tried to say it in the simplest least frightening terms, that didn't ignore the facts. Also, he didn't ask any additional questions, which may be why the conversation didn't get much deeper. @hippyherpy What is your advice/opinion on disclosure this way? @WCSDancer2010

 

I wouldn't say you downplayed it - unfortunately there really ARE two conversations depending on which one you have because people WILL take HSV1 less seriously ... and it's just plain easier to explain to people if you have H1 that you got it from oral sex and it's the same one as the cold sore. Sure, you *could* have said the H word, (for me, I see it as a chance to educate if the person doesn't know because THEY may have oral herpes and not know that they could pass it on). But you DID disclose.

 

And no, I don't think you say "less" in a casual conversation than a "serious" one... because really, if your best intentions are in place with the casual conversation, you *should* have their best interest at heart, right? IMO, to downplay for casual sex just shows that you really ARE more interested in getting your IMMEDIATE needs met than the longer term ramifications/effects of this interchange with another person.

 

AND, anyone who is in the "casual dating" scene really *should* get properly educated about the risks .... not that it should stop anyone .... the reality of LIFE is that a life FULLY LIVED will incur risks... we risk DEATH every time we get into a car, we risk heartbreak when we fall in love, we may even risk food poisoning when we eat certain foods. AND, in certain situations, if we know about something that may increase a person's risk of injury, isn't it the right thing to do to tell them? If they are going to ride with us and we know the brakes REALLY need fixing, or we are getting into a relationship and we realize that we are not interested in long term with that person, or we know that milk may be off when someone is rummaging in the fridge... isn't it the right thing to tell them so they can make an INFORMED CHOICE about that risk?

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

The thing is that I would be disclosing, and doing what I can in my end to not transmit (Valtrex and condoms), so why would have to get into some big conversation about it if they say they are ok with it?

 

You are right, most people don't know about Asymptomatic shedding, but my job in disclosure (at the very least) is to let them know I have herpes.

 

I do mention in the above that there's still some risk.. it's not lying. Yes, it is an attempt to not make a big deal out of this virus because there's already too much stigma.

 

If I've disclosed, mentioned that there is still some risk, and am taking preventative measures, why is it my responsibility to make sure they are educated on every little detail of the herpes virus?

 

One of the reasons why I'm bringing it up is be that a lot of people who I've told about my herpes have said that I'm making too big a deal out of it. I keep on mentioning it etc.

 

Of course, there's no need to "keep mentioning it" once the person is properly informed. I think over time you will come out with your own disclosure "patter" that covers the basic stuff including those things that they may not know, and if they say "it's no big deal", you take them at their word.

 

The thing is, in casual situations, people are often being driven by hormones and perhaps some chemical influence and they may *say* they are ok in the moment and then wake up wondering what the hell they just did. (Again, I see it happen a LOT on here, including with people who are panicking and have no symptoms or perhaps an itch or whatever ... though *usually not* after a disclosure but after an unplanned hook-up) ... and this is a result of the STIGMA that you mention. So IMO in some ways, (depending on the situation) when we are in a casual situation, (where the other person isn't likely to go off and do research) that we make sure that they know "enough" and are also in a fit mental state to CHOOSE to continue....so that there are no regrets in the morning, nor if they are one of the very rare "unlucky ones" that lose the crap shoot of that 4% ...

 

 

[hippyherpy]

It's not 4%. H opt says 2.5% and my ID guy said it is 1% or less.

 

People regret stuff all the time, you can't plan for it- even if you tell them every little detail and make sure they a haven't had a drink for months etc. and they say they are totally ok with it, you never know if the day they are going to start freaking out.

 

They made the choice. Regret is not the same as someone not being given a choice.

 

You are essentially saying that we shouldn't have sex at all if booze involved regardless of whether or not it's someone you just met or someone you've known a while. Either could wake up the next day and start bugging out over the herpes stigma. You can't control that.

 

Let's take herpes out of the equation- people might get drunk and then regret having sex the next day. If they consented, than that regret is their own issue.

 

That's why I'm saying this is lifestyle choice more than anything. There are people doing the hookup culture thing. They are out there having casual sex. It's not the same as someone looking for a relationship.

 

With regards to our responsibility- we can disclose and do what we can to prevent transmission, but I don't think it has to further than that. If you just say "I have herpes" and they say "ok I don't care" like in your example, that is their choice.

[WCSDancer2010]

OK - I have to address this:

 

It's not 4%. H opt says 2.5% and my ID guy said it is 1% or less.

 

w/o protection MALE-FEMALE transmission is about 10%

 

Condoms cut that in half - a lot depends on where your OB is as far as that number is concerned. If your OB is outside the area of the condom *ie, scrotum) condoms are not going to be much help ... so the numbers (50%) depends a LOT of that factor. Remember, this is an AVERAGE of a large study population. But for shits and giggles, lets say 5%

 

Antivirals take that to about 1/2 that number again, so yes, 2.5% is a reasonable number but there are various "opinions" of the exact number ... again, sooo much depends on how your body is actually dealing with the virus, plus other factors like

 

1) Vaginal Tearing - if you love pounding sex, the risk will go up

2) Other vaginal issues like bacterial/yeast infections which may be irritating the skin

3) Shaving is considered by some to possibly be a factor as it not only often causes rashes/ingrown hairs (ie, superhighways for the virus to get in) but also a think covering of hair might act at a "buffer" against the skin-to-skin rubbing that allows the virus to get to the recipients skin.

4) Immune system function - pretty simple concept.

 

So please do remember that the numbers are an AVERAGE of MANY people in the study. Not to scare anyone, but we just have to be honest AND not overly attach to the number. It's safe to say the number is "low" ... comparable to the risk of being in a car accident each time we get in a car.

 

That's why I'm saying this is lifestyle choice more than anything. There are people doing the hookup culture thing. They are out there having casual sex

 

True ... and I mostly agree with you. AND, *I* feel that if I was with someone who had drunk enough to not make a responsible decision (ie, if I wouldn't let them drive) I would be a LOT more cautious about having sex (at least, not penile/vaginal sex... there's plenty of other ways to have fun!) with Or without Herpes.

 

With regards to our responsibility- we can disclose and do what we can to prevent transmission, but I don't think it has to further than that. If you just say "I have herpes" and they say "ok I don't care" like in your example, that is their choice.

 

Again, I basically agree with you... I tell people on here all the time that once their partner is made aware and *understands* the risks, we need to allow them to be responsible for their choices. The issue with alcohol/drugs is that people often do things that they regret, and if *we* are in a place to be cognizant of their "impaired judgement", it's not right to take advantage of that.

 

Again, that is *my* opinion.... and I see your side as far as people being responsible for their actions, but I have 2 daughters, both of whom go from totally clear headed to black-out drunk VERY easily. I actually saw my oldest do this once. She was fine at the bar (we have a mutual friend who was in town and we went to hang out, and he had an open tab that she took advantage of). We had to walk to the subway station to get to our train - she was TOTALLY fine as we walked.... within 20 min she was obviously impaired....thankfully by that time we were on the train. It would have been VERY easy for her to get into a "compromising" position in that instance. I've heard MANY tales of women on here who got H from this kind of situation .... and plenty more who are scared that they got it even though they don't have symptoms ....

 

So I just want to ask you to consider: If you had a daughter, how would YOU want the men in her life (even those she might encounter in casual situations) to act if she was impaired by some kind of chemical substance. You don't have to reply .... just think about it :)

[hippyherpy]

It's a controversial topic, but I think that women and men need to know what it means to be going out and drinking and doing casual sex.

 

Blackout drunk is an issue for both partners. If someone an hold a conversation than they aren't so drunk as to not be able to make consent choice. If anything, people tend to act more on their gut feeling. Telling a drunk person you have herpes and they are going to go on their gut with regards to what herpes means for them (usually something very frightening like HIV).

 

The disclosure thing is all about your emotional frame. You have to override their fear emotion with confidence for them to believe what you say, and this has nothing to do with facts, stats, and numbers. There are a lot people out there who will not get or understand the numbers even if the aren't drunk. They are going to honor your confidence. I was in this position when I had sex with two people who had herpes. I didn't really understand the numbers but I felt like it was safe because they said it in a way that made me trust them.

 

There are two different approaches to having a herpes talk I believe. There's the "sweep it under the couch" approach where you do your bear minimum to let them know you got herpes without embellishments. The other is "the talk" as described in this website where you go into details about statistics etc.

 

Either way, you are trying to convince the person to roll the dice with you.

 

I'm looking for a way to tell someone I have herpes without it getting in the way of the heat of the moment. This is how I connect with my lovers- it's usually via hooking up.

 

Girl with herpes I hooked up with told me that "there was no way if get it from her". She did her part by disclosing, and the second part of making something a risk into a definite helped convince me to have sex with her.

 

If you do your part to disclose, the person can make their own decision.

 

My personal feeling is that herpes is rampant and easy to get, the stigma is overblown, and anyone who is living the casual sex lifestyle should take full responsibility for getting it just like how I do. I'm not saying that I won't disclose, but I think that's is messed up that we have to do it.

 

I like how a lot of people here are able to make it work for them as an opportunity- that's great, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I don't want to disclose.

 

I often am in a situation where ill be having sex someone within an hour of them. You can thank hook up culture, Tinder, my "game" or whatever. That's a big part of my life. I derive great joy from the casual encounter. I often don't want to turn it into something more than that. This is why I've been trying to find a way to keep my lifestyle going with herpes.

 

I still looking into the links you guys have provided on casual sex.

 

I'll tell you that I've had girls come to my house without never having met me before and they want met to fuck them raw. How can you not say that they aren't making a choice? You'd have to be insane or straight up mentally deficient to not know what you are getting into.