How to NOT think about Herpes

[Elise1977]

I'm just about a month past my diagnosis, and while I don't think about HSV all the time, I still think about it a lot. I have started imagining symptoms. I've started imagining cold sores coming on and I don't even know if I have HSV1, as I've never had a cold sore or anything even resembling one. I'm downright paranoid. I worry about transmitting to my boyfriend. But mostly, I feel suffocated and constrained.

 

I am a person who has a very hard time with anything that makes me feel stuck. I don't wear jewelry. I don't like small spaces. I don't care for hugs. Having this incurable virus inside me makes me feel crazy sometimes, like I just want it OUT of me. When I think about it never going away, always being there, I get claustrophobic. It's probably a good thing I don't know where my infection site is, because I'd have a hard time not trying to rip it out of my skin (even knowing that would do no good!).

 

The boyfriend and I never talk about it. I take my antivirals, and we have continued to have a regular sex life, with him knowing he is at risk. We still talk about marriage. We still have plans for a future together. But, I can't get over this feeling that I'm going to ruin his life. I know he's a grown up and that he's choosing to take the risk, but it's still so hard for me. I wonder if he's looking at every blemish, every tiny ingrown hair from shaving my legs, every imperfection and thinking I'm disgusting.

 

I feel like maybe checking this website every day makes it worse for me, because I cant let it fade into the background. I guess I don't really have a question, I'm just having a hard herpes day.

[Reachout2014]

Hi there friend!

 

I think most of us have been where you stand right now. You aren't dillusional for having these feelings. I will tell you that it does get better with time. Honestly it took me about 4 months to exit the constantly thinking about herpes phase. We have good and bad days with it.

 

I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you through this: I'm sure if you needed to talk things out with him he'd be happy to listen if it makes you feel better. Know that you are not going to ruin his life whether you pass on h or not. Herpes isn't a death sentence and does not ruin lives. I know that it's hard not to feel the initial shock and let the stigma eat at you for a while but try to relax and take things in stride. Remember your facts.

 

You are beautiful. Heroes does not make one gross or less than anyone else. Herpes is a skin condition, thankfully your symptoms are minimal, your partner accepts you for who you are! If you are ever feeling down or need a buddy I and the rest of the forum are here for ya.

[2Legit2Quit]

I suspect you holding this in and not sharing your feelings w your partner is not helping, because you've created your own prison in your mind. Be probably doesn't being it up, because he doesn't want to make you feel bad and figures you'd talk about it if it was bothering you. I think you should express your feelings to him and let him reassure you.

 

I too am someone who doesn't like feeling trapped and when I do, I feel like a caged animal. This may be something that is going to get past that feeling of needing to control everything, because what other choice do we have at this point? Have you thought of getting in some antianxiety meds by chance like prozac? That is the only one I found that doesn't give you aide effects or prystiq can help as well.

 

Hang in there girly, everything will be OK.

[Elise1977]

Thanks ladies. I know it will be ok, I just need the reminder sometimes. Disclosing to him that I had HSV2 was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and that includes leaving an abusive marriage and breaking up with an abusive boyfriend of ten years. Those seem like cakewalks now that I've had to tell them person I love that I have something I could have infected him with and didn't even know. I think part of me still is afraid he will leave. I know that's my own creation, because he's given me no indication that he doesn't still love and accept me 100 percent. In fact, he's done just the opposite. Self esteem not at the highest point right now.

 

I've been on prozac before and didn't really care for it. I didn't cry as much but I also never laughed, never sang, never felt joy. I also believe I was only on it because my situation made me sad, not because I was depressed (a perpetually cheating, verbally abusive boyfriend can kind of make life suck!). I want to try to give myself the time to process this before turning to mental health meds, but if I need them, I'm not above taking them.

 

I also feel like a bad person, because I hope that I already gave it to him prior to my diagnosis and that his symptoms are just so minor that we/he didn't even notice. It isn't that I'm afraid of giving him HSV, exactly, I'm afraid of making him hurt/suffer. I'm afraid of the look on his face if he were to see lesions on his penis, or of him feeling what I felt for the week after my diagnosis. It's the hardest part of having herpes, for me. It's so, so hard.

[2Legit2Quit]

I understand all that, but is it not entirely plausible he'll be asymptomatic as well? Has he been tested? I forget if you told me and how you can be sure he didn't give it to you?

 

I think that when soneone catches H by choice and has the love and support of their partner, it's not as big of a blow, because we had a choice in it. Those that have the hardest time w it, don't know who they got it from or were lied to or had hooked up w someone for casual sex. That's when people start beating themselves up and the betrayal of it all is what really eats at them.

 

@nal is a great example of this to a point. She is in a loving relationship and she got it from her asymptomatic boyfriend. She's handling it well, because she knows he didn't lie to her or intentionally betray her. Let her share w you what it has been like for her to get it from someone she loves by accident and maybe that will shine a little insight on the situation for you.

[Elise1977]

He hasn't been tested yet this year, but he was tested (or he said he was, and I have no reason not to trust him) last year and was negative. He only slept with one other girl, once, since tested and they used protection. So I think that if he is positive it's almost without a doubt that it came from me.

 

I haven't pushed him to get tested, mostly because he's self employed and doesn't have insurance, but also because I feel like he needs to decide that in his own time.

[Elise1977]

Also, I've been thinking very hard about where I maybe got HSV from, and I can remember one situation about 11 years ago where a man I slept with a few times and then wanted nothing to do with because he was actually extremely mentally unstable and frightening left me a voicemail saying I needed to call him because he had something important to tell me. I never called him back because I assumed it was an attempt to manipulate me into talking to him again after I'd told him I wanted to be left alone. But, amazingly, not one of my ex's or casual encounters (who would know how to find me) have called me since to say anything about it.

 

I had a very casual attitude about sex when I was younger, and I'm extremely lucky that this is the only thing that has resulted from it. If I was infected 11 years ago, I wish I would have known because I would have made many different, better decisions.

[2Legit2Quit]

Did he specifically ask for a herpes test, because it is not included in the full panel. People have still gotten this, even when using a condom w someone. That does not rule out his status. You may be stressing over this for nothing and he could very well be an asymptomatic carrier.

 

He can go to planned parenthood to be tested and they will work out what he can afford to pay, along w a payment plan. I don't think this is pushing him, this shouldn't be an issue and it can settle the mental anguish you are going through once and for all.

[WCSDancer2010]

I had a very casual attitude about sex when I was younger, and I'm extremely lucky that this is the only thing that has resulted from it. If I was infected 11 years ago, I wish I would have known because I would have made many different, better decisions.

 

You are FAR from alone there! But Shoulda, Woulda, and Coulda doesn't get us anywhere and just causes anguish and upset. You can only go forward, not backward ...

 

So - as far as the risk of passing H on to the BF

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

Think on it :) We have things we do with our partners where they "might" be injured/whatever all the time ... even cooking for them ... who knows if they might have an unknown allergy or they get food poisoning. Sure, the risk is VERY low, but it's there. Obsessing about it won't get you anywhere. He's a big boy ... he knows the risks. He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY!!! Isn't that a beautiful thing???

 

As for forgetting about it ... and your issues with claustrophobia .... are you getting any kind of mental health support? This all usually stems from a need to control your situation ... and with all if your issues with past abusive relationships it's not at all surprising that you may have some stuff to work on... so if you are not in therapy, it may be a good time to look into getting some support there. Learning coping skills is a HUGE help in these situations :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Nal]

Omg, I've been awol but I'm back. It's 2am here but I'll come back tomorrow and read through the whole thread and comment!

 

Sorry, guys!

[hippyherpy]

You aren't going to ruin his life even if he does get herpes from you.

 

Think about it like this- there are so many things that can happen to people that they deal with that are much worse than herpes.

 

So let's look at why people think herpes will ruin their lives. The big fear is "social death". Just not the case.

 

I know guys with herpes who get girls and tell them. I'm one of those guys. A man can manage this virus.

 

Here's a thought: there's a chance that you are projecting some other issue you are having with him or yourself on to your herpes situation.

 

He's a grown man and can take care of himself, yet you talk about him like he's a child. Are you feeling that he's not adequate for you as a mate? Can you really "ruin" his life?

 

Maybe you are experiencing trepidation like that about him that has nothing to do with herpes, but your mind is wandering around and using the herpes as a prism to think about the relationship.

 

It's also possible that you feel vulnerable because of your herpes and want a man that isn't weak-willed and is going to commit to you no matter what happens.. you are putting that powerlessness on to your concept of who he is by drawing him as a guy who doesn't have power.

 

---

 

If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend who was married to a herpette. She took meds everyday. They had unprotected sex often for three years. He never got it from her.

[TryingtoReach_Peace]

I have to agree with hippyherp, your bf is a grown man. He wants to be with you. He doesn't want to be with herpes, you are not herpes. You are still you. You are still worth the risk to be with. If you take as much responsibility as possible to try and prevent it from spreading you've done your part. He can make up his own mind if this is a risk he's willing to take, sounds like he already decided you are much bigger asset than the risk of herpes.

 

Herpes doesnt need to be a prison that makes you worthy or unworthy of love. It's a skin disease that sucks. You don't suck. It does. Besides, I've found with my guy he doesn't talk about it much either. Not because he's in denial, we did the facts and figures talk, he told me he doesn't want to talk about it because it's not that important, and he doesn't like seeing me beat myself up and get depressed. Imagine that. :) He's H-, and would like to stay that way lol.

 

Yeah I still go through the I want this virus out phase. But it's here to stay, most of the time it's not even active (hopefully!). It's the lifelong 'friend' I certainly didn't want, but it sure is forcing me to see who is in it for the long haul and who wasn't. Good luck!

[Elise1977]

Have you ever been in love? Like real, deep, life changing love? The kind where you'd do anything to keep that person safe and happy?

 

I'm sorry, but having fears of infecting someone you love with something that could cause them pain, whether emotional or physical, does not mean I'm talking about him as a child or that I have some other issue with him or myself. It simply means I don't ever want to hurt the person I hold so dear that I'd take on any burden he might carry just to make his life easier.

 

His acceptance of the risks does not invalidate my fear of them.

[hippyherpy]

My personal experience with herpes so far has been that is almost non-existent and far from painful or dangerous. I am on daily Valtrex, so maybe if I went off I'd see what a lot of people here are saying.

 

Life is short so enjoy it- if he's ok with it, enjoy your time with him and don't fix something if isn't broken.

 

It would be a real shame if you let your fear of giving him herpes be the thing that got in the way of your connection.

 

Anyway, give it some time.. you'll probably feel better about it this in the near future.

[bird]

Elise1977, I have to say that I relate to your fears in pretty much every way you described - and then some. I have regular symptoms, even with medication. I fear it is inevitable that I will pass it on to the current bf, even though my last bf claims he did not contract over our nearly two year relationship and we didn't even use condoms. I wish I could chat in detail with you more, because typing about it just gets messy and exhausting.

 

But I also appreciate some of the other members' advice, such as WCSDancer2010's car driving analogy

 

My best recommendation is to confront him more. I'm sure it will get less difficult to discuss the more you bring it up. Now if I could just follow my own advice...

[whitedaisies]

@bird do you have ghsv1 or 2?

[Elise1977]

@bird I'm sorry you are going through the same feelings.

 

It has gotten better since I originally posted this thread a few weeks ago, but it always lingers in the back of my mind. I do get the car analogy, but the thing is there is another option for him - which is to find someone who tests negative for everything. Then his risk is pretty much zero, barring infidelity.

 

You can live a long full life with HIV these days and the risks of transmission from protected sex are almost zero - plus, there's probably a better chance of HIV being cured in our lifetimes than HSV, but would you take the risk? If you had it, would you risk infecting someone?

 

I think it's easy for us, especially those of us with few/no symptoms to say it's "no big deal" or "just a skin irritation", but we can't know how it's going to play out for someone else. We can't predict the emotional or physical toll it might take on them. We can't predict whether they will be shunned by their friends or family (however ignorant that might be). Regardless of whether the stigma is stupid or misplaced, it's there, and because I love him, I worry.

[whitedaisies]

love him enough to let him love you

[Nal]

Hi, so I don't know how relevant my input here still is but I don't feel at all like my life is ruined. Had I known up front that I risked getting hsv because he told me about it, I had taken the risk. I don't regret 1 moment with him and am not at all upset. He didn't know, he didn't betray me. If I were your boyfriend I would do the things he did. He's an adult who can make his iwn decisions. Let him. You're abviously worth the risk to him. Had I known before, I still would have chosen to let him take my virginity. I love him.

[bird]

@Elise1977, I am HSVII positive. I've noticed that the outbreaks seem to go away when I'm not sexually active/stimulated, I'm also suspecting that condoms increase irritation, inviting another outbreak. It feels like a curse.

 

Often he would instigate sex with hands, but it would never progress beyond that and that made me really sad and self-conscious and ultimately hopeless if he was that uncomfortable about it several months into the relationship. I tried talking to him about how he feels for me and he didn't really say a whole lot so I told him he should just go and he did.

 

Then we sorta got back together after spontaneously inviting myself over and having some decent sex. Later that week, when he was at my place and things were steering towards physical intimacy, I confronted him again about how seriously he felt about me, because things still didn't seem right, and he again he didn't say anything very positive so again I sent him away.

 

I can't tell if I'm sabotaging the relationship or following my gut instincts. I guess I can't totally blame him. Maybe he just doesn't know how to turn me down if he's uncomfortable. Still it hurts. I don't think I've completely lost hope, but I do think I'll be more inclined to seek men who already have it.