disclosed to new man- 4th person now

[inspired32]

I have been a part of this site for about 4.5 years now. My name is Alexa and for those who are new I can summarize my story. I received HSV type 1 genitally 4.5 years ago and have not had another outbreak since that initial- (may 2011) i was 19 at the time and now I'm 24. I struggled for about a year and a half and ever since herpes has not been a big part of my life or identity. I do honestly feel it is a blessing in disguise for me and I have embraced it as it is with me forever (until a cure). I have had nothing but good reactions with the exes i have disclosed to. I expected nothing less from the new guy i am seeing now and I was right. However, although he accepts me and we have yet to now have intercourse (with a condom) I always return to this vulnerable place.

 

Even though I am confident and do feel i always do the right and authentic thing by disclosing... i get very vulnerable in the time after i disclose until i see them again. I have now started feeling insecure .. what if he changes his mind? what if it soaks into his mind and he thinks ugh actually never mind I don't want to take that risk. I know if that is ever the case i cannot change that. But, I get worried. I am pretty sure everything is fine. but i am all vulnerable and just want some support.

[whitedaisies]

So proud of you for disclosing and getting to a good place!

 

Yes I hear you...once you open yourself up its scary and honestly your reaction is perfectly normal and very human.

 

I want to send you love now as you are feeling vulnerable and feel that love and support til you hear from him again. You are a very strong and brave woman.

 

Hugs

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

@inspired32

 

Hi friend!

 

What you are feeling might well happen whether you disclosed that you have H, or that you have done drugs in the past, or that you live with your parents, or whatever. What I'm saying is that it's very normal to feel vulnerable in the early days of a relationship... and with the internet/cell phone age, we have come to expect new partners to always be available and in communication. I remember "the good old days" when it was too expensive to call unless there was a reason, and then it was short. Being kept waiting was "normal". LOL

 

Point being, this is your own insecurity coming out. AND ... if he chooses to run, it just shows either his lack of commitment to you (ie: he doesn't really see a future with you but he was willing to see if you might have a sexual relationship until you disclosed), or he might be OCD about his body or hypochondriac, whatever.... and those partners are really hard for us to be with (and IMO, just hard to be with anyway, unless you are that way too!). Or they went to the internet and bought into all the stupid crap put out by others, in which case, if they didn't come back to you for clarity and an explanation, it shows how easily they are swayed by the opinions of others. Again, not great partner material.

 

So *try* to trust the process, and don't take it personally if he's either just taking his time to get educated, or he's thinking about what he wants. And he may just plain be busy. Give it time and have confidence that the man that is meant for you won't let a "cold sore gone south" stop him from being with you :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[2Legit2Quit]

I think it's nor al to feel vulnerable after disclosure, but that's why I mentally prepare and recognize if they leave, it's not about me and I'll be fine of they leave.

[inspired32]

thank you all for your immediate support :) It is always comforting to come on here- even after years and know that I still recognize your user names and still can count on your responses. Unfortunately since I felt all of my anxiety and victim mentality today- i did not eat, felt nauseous, and uneasy. I called him tonight just to check in and see where his head is at. He said nothing has changed between him and I and that he really likes me, loves my company and that its just something well have to deal with. Also, he has not really thought about it a ton and is still processing because he has family things going on now- (his dad has schizophrenia) and he is about to fly back home to visit and things have resurfaced for him he says. He seems way more concerned about that right now then my herpes, which isn't so bad... i guess ;) But to hear his reassurance helps... I will be strong and be ok after a few days... but I get through this. When he's back.. we can then have time again and I will feel even better.

[Bambina3]

Although I don't recognize your nick because I am fairly new, h does have a tendancy to bring us all down to vulnerable states....it's an emotional roller coaster I never thought I'd be on

[WCSDancer2010]

My father has schizophrenia and it's VERY stressful for those of us on the outside when they get triggered. The "good" thing is if he is dealing with his father with that, you and your H will be a walk in the park for him by comparison :)

[inspired32]

wow thank you for telling me that because i think sometimes i need support for his father's issues. I don't know much yet because his dad lives on the other coast and he has only told me so much. We are still a new relationship and while he opens up he is slowly. I think you are right and when i called him to talk about it more before he left for thanksgiving to see him... he was so overly concerned with his dad- and said the furthest thing from his mind would be to run from me. I worry about him- for him. lol It is hard because his dad has that and his mom is a budding alcoholic- (divorced) and he is an only child. I think you are right that those issues are almost way bigger and engrained into his life that herpes is the last of his worries.

[WCSDancer2010]

One thing I've learned, having seen my mother have a stroke and spend 8 yrs going down hill, then my father have a heart attack 20+ yrs ago, and my step mom getting Alzheimers and now my father has advanced congestive heart failure (on top of the lifelong mental illness)... Aging parents are not for sissies!

 

The GOOD thing is that his concern for them shows you the kind of man that he is. That is something REALLY bad happened to your health, he would be there. And I don't know about you, but that is pretty sexy to me :)

[inspired32]

Thank you so much for your support and relating. I wanted to update that we had sex for the first time the other day protected (condom and bc) and he's very open in asking me about it which i love. It was very good, but also he agreed that if i get female condoms he'd give me oral sex which i havnt experienced since i first got H 5 years ago! so I'm very excited... do you recommend or know of a good female condom to use for that? I have found FC2 online and dont know if you've heard of that or know if its good?

[2Legit2Quit]

Why not just use that ceram wrap from the kitchen or a dental jam? How does he know he doesn't already have oral herpes, because then it's pointless to use dental jam or anything for kral.

[inspired32]

I kinda would rather use a legitimate condom to be most safe. He has been tested for herpes and all stds and said he doesn't have anything. Also was tested as recent as 3 months ago. He said he has never had a cold sore on his mouth before either and I believe him. I want to be safe as I do have type 1 and wouldn't want to chance anything and I know he wouldn't either.

[2Legit2Quit]

Full pans l do not include heroes. Unless he specifically asked for a herpes test, then he wouldn't know. I got herpes, because I took someone's word they were clean. I suggest you ask for test results. Seran wrap adds just as much protection as a condom for oral sex. Dental damns are made out if the same material as condoms. No need to insert a female condom just for oral sex, unless you plan on using that for intercourse as well.

[inspired32]

Ok thank you. And yes I'm well aware it's a separate test which is what I said to him.. That it's a separate test did you have that too and he said yes.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

(editing)

CONGRATS!

 

~ALSO~

 

YAY ORAL.

 

I've never used condoms for oral sex (I have type 2, I think I'm getting close to it with my boyfriend, we just have to find a day where I'm having no symptoms and his lips aren't chapped!)

 

I've done some research though!

 

(here is an article supporting the use of cling wrap. Honestly, I'd rather use that, since they can see right through it and it seems thinner. But make sure it's not microwaveable. Also, a tip I read said to put some lube on the side that's place on you, so it'll be good on your side too: https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-infections/barriers/oral-dams). But hey, totally understand wanting to start with tested condoms, and you can work your way here!

 

I do use the skyn condoms (non latex) and I've noticed they don't have a smell/taste to them like latex condoms do, so that might work if you cut that.

 

There's also these, which say that they're bigger and thinner than dental dams: http://www.amazon.com/Sheer-GLYDE-Assorted-Colors-Flavors/dp/B00015QD8C

 

I bought the F2C condom, and I couldn't for the life of me figure it out. It also wouldn't be big enough for oral, and there's like this ring that is along the outside that would get in the way of oral!

[2Legit2Quit]

@nothinggoodgetsintheway so was it hard to get the female condom in? I've never tried one but am very open to the idea for when I am sexually active again. Was it that hard to get in?

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@2legit2quit there's like a ring at the end of it (kind of like the nuva ring) that is supposed to go in and anchor the condom. But then, I would stick the ring in, and it just felt like the condom was twisted inside of me. Maybe I was too concerned with getting the ring "straight" inside of me? Also, I couldn't get it far enough in, and it just felt like more than half of it was sticking out of me.

 

I think a big part of it was I tried to do it right as we were *ready* to have sex. So here I am, in quite an unflattering stance, and he didn't know what to do or how to help! I might use one of the other ones for practice, because the benefits (protects more of the area, supposed to feel better / more real for him, non latex, can insert before sex is even really really on the table) sure do sound good. But in practice, on that first day, it felt like I was trying to jam a grocery bag all up in there.

 

So, for like $3 for one, you can try it out in the privacy of your own home and get better at it than me at sticking it in. Might as well try it out!! And then you can be a pro by the time you try to use it with your man :)

 

I was also thinking that if you have a "toy", you could use that to put it in, and make sure it's straight in there...I was half tempted to put it on him just to get it in me. And in truth, it might not have been crooked at all, I just was frazzled and didn't know quite what to think. We switched to a regular condom that night needless to say!

[2Legit2Quit]

I do know a good bit sticks out. there is a new one awaiting approval, the male version which almost fits like a female condom has been approved already, but it has somethign to help with inserting it. Maybe going to the gyno and having them help teach you may be of some help with it.

 

Just so you know, the female condoms can be worn up to 8hrs prior to intercourse, so if you want to avoid that awkwardness, you can always try to insert it alone in the bathroom, before you two reach taht point in the evening.

 

hahahah! they did say it takes some practice! I can only imagine!