Not Disclosing Anymore

[Hope2015]

I've had herpes for 11 years with 3 outbreaks. Admittedly I've let it control my love life,(which has been virtually non existent for the last six). I've disclosed to the three or so guys I've ventured out on a limb to date. They stuck around but the relationships ended anyways. Now I meet this great guy, I do a positive disclosure.. I mean I really own it! And he says sorry can't do it! Here's the thing if so many people already have it...and I haven't passed it to anyone in 11 years ..not using condoms or suppressive therapy, why risk getting my heart being broken when I do disclose and he runs like I'm a leaper?!?

[Bambina3]

I do know they strongly advise for disclosure on this site.

 

I have to admit, I have had the same thoughts as you, it's the morally correct thing to do, but if the medical community doesn't even test pregnant women in their regular std panel, or down play hsv1 and 2....why should the burden be on us?

Practice safe sex anyway

That was my answer from my dr when i wanted a script for the blood work and it mimics the cdc.

So no one wants to take liability, but the patient???

Pretty shitty deal we get handed

Just my opinion

[Hope2015]

Thanks. I know and I have disclosed..even bought the lifestyle guide on having the talk! This guy even admitted he gets cold sores, but in his nose. He wasn't willing to wear a condom because he's selfish (his words) and too paranoid to contract something from me.(his words) I just think I played the whole thing wrong. Can you even change the guy's mind afterward and get him to see you again?

[Sunshineandwhiskey]

Well if he's selfish he's probably an ass anyway. I say just move on. I did the full blown disclosure with mixed results. Been dating someone awhile and I'm just so sick of the full blown thing. I just told him I carry the virus that causes cold sores. He seemed ok with it. He didn't have any condoms so we just messed around. I just put it out there while I asked if he had condoms. Kind of all in one sentence so we will see if he sticks around lol. If he's concerned he can research it and if he asks I tell him what I know. It gets tiring for sure.

[whitedaisies]

Move on. He's an ass.

[Bambina3]

I'll say it again like I have many times...if I wasn't me...and I was not emotionally attached to me, I would run if I was told I could contract hsv2, no matter how many handouts you handed me.

I think some people disclose too quickly without building up some type of emotional bond...granted I've read where people have casual sex and don't care, but I am in the group that would care, and I can admit it.

Just give him time if you like him, I don't think people are asses because they walk away from us, unless they do it ignorantly.

If he sticks around yay it was meant to be

If not, when one door closes another one ALWAYS opens

Hugs

[StillMeButWiser]

Honey if he didn't want to wear a condom with you chances are he never wore a condom with 98% of his partners. So more than likely he probably already has it. He sounds insecure and ignorant. Next.

Telling vs not telling...personally I have done both. Not telling comes with inner guilt and carries the what if. Does weigh on you. Telling, frees the soul. And if you are having an ob you can be honest and they understand.

 

At the same time I do agree with all that has been mentioned. I recently started working at a drs office. Young guy ask to be blood tested for stds. I look at the lab sheet dr filled out. Only hiv was checked. Granted I don't know all the abbreviations, etc but hsv 1&2 would smack me in the eyes. This dr is an internal medicine dr. So this discussion can go round and round. Morally vs non morally, right or wrong.

[WCSDancer2010]

So tell me this: If it was the other way around, and the person who gave it to you KNEW they had H, wouldn't you have wanted them to tell you first so you had a CHOICE about whether you continue with them or not? Because here we believe that given that *WE* know the risks, and we know our status, *more* of the burden is put on us to make sure we have the WHOLE STD discussion (this shouldn't be just about Herpes.... you need to protect yourself too.... odds are many if not most of us here might not have H if we had had that discussion before sex. Not that we wouldn't have had sex with the person anyway, but we would have practiced a lot more caution :)

 

Thanks. I know and I have disclosed..even bought the lifestyle guide on having the talk! This guy even admitted he gets cold sores, but in his nose. He wasn't willing to wear a condom because he's selfish (his words) and too paranoid to contract something from me.(his words) I just think I played the whole thing wrong. Can you even change the guy's mind afterward and get him to see you again?

 

Honey, that right there was Mr Herpes being your Wingman. You just dodged a huge-assed bullet, actually, more like a Mortar, with that guy! He wasn't into YOU.... he just wanted to GET INTO you! And when his selfish ass got bored, he would have moved on. Why the hell would you want to "change his mind"? He TOLD you he's selfish!!! When a guy is straight with you like that, LISTEN to him!!!! And odds are if he's not willing to wear a condom (for his selfish ass) then odds are he's carrying *something* ... if not HSV, then HPV, Chlamydia, or something worse. I have 3 words for you friend: RUN FOREST RUN! LOL

 

I do hope you will reconsider your comment to not disclose in the future, for several reasons:

 

1) It's the right thing to do. Period. Sure, the other person should ask your status but ignorance is bliss and none of us here are ignorant about the reality of STD's any more. H made sure we had the wake up call on that one.

 

2) Starting a relationship with HONESTY. Sure, you don't have to tell them you have H until you are going to have sex. But that's a GOOD thing because it kinda forces us to slow down and get to KNOW the person a bit better, see who they are, and make them EARN the right to our disclosure.

 

3) Finding better partners. We are back to the Wingman again - even for casual sex, H will help you to have discussions that may save YOU from becoming involved with someone who is not in the "relationship" (whatever level it's at) for the right reasons.

 

4) Creating DEEPER relationships. H can open the door to conversations that bring you close which allows, or even forces you to be vulnerable that can bring you and your partner to a whole new level of closeness.

 

So - yes, you are hurting right now, and that's ok. But when you have had time to get over El Jerko, come back and look at this again... and in the meantime, read all you can on the Success Story category. And read the links below... because there's a lot to be gleaned in each one. :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

At the same time I do agree with all that has been mentioned. I recently started working at a drs office. Young guy ask to be blood tested for stds. I look at the lab sheet dr filled out. Only hiv was checked. Granted I don't know all the abbreviations, etc but hsv 1&2 would smack me in the eyes. This dr is an internal medicine dr. So this discussion can go round and round. Morally vs non morally, right or wrong.

 

Have you thought about talking to the Dr and giving him our info and seeing if you can get him to do the whole STD panel in the future? I'd say this is a opportunity for you to help to make a big change in that practice :)

 

 

[Hope2015]

I'd just like to thank everyone for commenting on my post. I am very thankful to have this safe place to come too to gain perspective. I'm sure I will continue to disclose, it's just so heartbreaking when all you really want is a relationship. I live in a small town and trust me opportunity doesn't always come along in as nice of a package as this one was. Thank you @WCSDancer 2010 for all the links, I have read and watched them.Very uplifting and great perspective! Onward and upward!

[hippyherpy]

I've disclosed to everyone since I've got diagnosed.

 

Maybe the problem isn't that you have herpes, but that you've only tried dating three people in the last 11 years.

 

Increase the number of people you are meeting and you are more likely to find someone who doesn't care.

 

At the very least, take suppressive meds and use condoms with people you don't know that well like a "random" hook up. Also consider that you could be catching things from them like HIV now that you have herpes which increases the risk of getting it by 3 times if you com into contact with it.

 

I've had doctors tell me not to disclose if it is a girl I just met at a bar, but to disclose if the relationship is evolving or if we are going to not use condoms.

 

This website is all about disclosing. In the end, it is up to you and how you would feel about it.

 

There are a whole bunch of people who have herpes and they don't disclose because they don't know they have it. I sometimes wonder if they are just as "guilty" for not getting blood tests etc.

 

Then there are many people with herpes who know but don't disclose. I'm pretty sure that we here on this website represent the minority of herpes carriers that disclose.

 

Everyone has different reasons for why they might disclose. Some people might be afraid of legal action, some people will disclose because they truly believe it is the right thing to do, and other might disclose to prove a point.

 

I do think that amount that do disclose are a drop in the bucket. Not enough to bring about massive social change on the perceptions of herpes.

 

Then there are people who genital HSV 1 who don't feel like they have to disclose.

 

If herpes hit the same percentages as HPV or HSV 1 oral as far as people infected goes, then this debate my change to be more like those where people say you don't have to bring it up.

 

It would be interesting if there was a national herpes register that people could access online or through an app. Then it would put the burden of responsibility on the un-infected partner because they'd have a choice to look it up or not.