Feeling like giving up

[Butterfly211]

I apologize in advance for the dreary tone of this message. I was diagnosed two years ago and still haven't come to terms with it. Im to the point now where I'm considering suicide over this. The stigma is just too much to bear. And the thought of having to fight that and face this for the rest of my life has caused me to become severely depressed and isolate myself. I've tried therapy but it's almost as if the world says: too bad just deal with it. Why isn't there more being done about this? I'm 24 years old and really can't see a life with this...it just seems easier to just end it :( Please help.

[mr_hopp]

It's okay to have suicidal thoughts. All of us do. (Not everyone will admit that they've thought about offing themselves at least once in their life.) The important thing to realize is this: They're just thoughts. You're in control of this ship. And what you're going through now is so, so normal.

 

I thought of suicide plenty of times. It is the easy way to go whenever something happens in our lives that is unexpected, tragic or super painful. You're stronger than that, though. You know how I know? You're reaching out. You're coming to community and sharing your pain. That's a huge step.

 

And you know, it's a double-edged sword: Having herpes is on one hand is not a big deal. It's a virus that causes cold sores. A skin condition that for most is an annoyance at worst. Big whoop, right? But you and I both know that it feels like a fucking HUGE deal when you first get herpes and are confronted with your own self-judgments and our culture's judgments and stigma. But you know what? This adversity is making you stronger. It's helping you grow. It's not the things that happen to you in life that make you who you are; it's how you choose to relate to the things that happen.

 

I'm proud of you for coming on these forums and reaching out. It's not wrong that you feel dreary. Share everything you got inside you. All too often, we let that shit fester for too long until it has us thinking crazy things like killing ourselves when all of us have felt this way at one point in our lives. It's just part of being human.

 

And you know, I heard a great question from a spiritual teacher once about someone wanting to commit suicide. He simply asked, "What part of you wants to die?"

 

[Butterfly211]

Thank you for your comment. I've been seeing a therapist since December but it's just not helping. And I cry everyday now. I feel trapped in the fear and pain..:(

[mr_hopp]

It's okay to cry every day. Crying is so healthy. I like to think of crying like washing out a wound. As long as you are treating yourself with the compassion and kindness you deserve. Then crying is super healing and beneficial. Then the tears are like putting clean water in the wound, cleansing it. It's when we're crying beating ourselves up that it just makes things feel more and more like a dead end. That's when the water turns yucky.

 

What is it like for you to cry? What are the thoughts and beliefs you have about crying?

[Butterfly211]

I beat myself up a lot so crying is just an extension of that. I wake up and cry after crying myself to sleep. It's overwhelming. I graduated college not long ago have a great job and my own place but this pain is so SHARP that I'm not able to feel the joy of those things. Those are just things and thinking of a lifetime of fighting stigma, being afraid people will find out, having it thrown in my face (it already has been), it's too much. I wish doctors were more supportive of this my pcp treated it like she diagnosed me with a cold and sent me on my way. I know to her it's trivial but for some of us it's life altering. I told my mom when it happened and though she was supportive she also started spraying the toilet with Lysol after I used it :( I went to a church member for guidance and they just said they'd pray for me...I've done everything I can think of to pull myself out of depression but when the healthcare, family, religion aspects all fail what else can you do? I'm only human and when it feels like this is a crisis that I can never escape... I see my options as drugs, drinking or death. I know that's harsh but again...a human can only take so much suffering before they break.. trust me these past two years I've tried all these options to cope.

[optimist]

@Butterfly211 - I am so, so sorry you're feeling this way. I am pretty new to all this and still have those feelings sometimes, too. I feel a lot of anger about the stigma. A couple things have helped in lifting my mood. First, taking long walks outside. I put in my earbuds and play music that lifts my mood and I walk and walk and get some sunshine. I look up at the endless sky and it helps put things in perspective.

 

I tried talking to a couple friends who've been positive for a long time and it wasn't all that helpful because I'm still feeling so strongly about it and they can't really relate to that. They both happened to marry negative partners and no longer dwell on it. I suppose I did find it reassuring that they were accepted by their partners.

 

I found some relief in talking to a single and sexually active positive woman around my age who shared in detail how she approaches disclosure conversations and how things go for her in the dating world and in sexual relationships. That was reassuring and gave me a lot of hope. I won't get into too much detail because it's someone else's experience, not mine, but it sounded to me like it would be realistic to expect that sometimes it's a deal breaker but most of the time it's not. And also when it's not a deal breaker, things can get pretty relaxed after a while. I would like to believe this is true.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Take one minute and one hour at a time. That's how I get through it. Some days are better than others. But you will get thru it. U are so young....I am so envious. Lots of life to live.

 

Do little things to cheer you up. I like peach green tea lemonade at Starbucks. This little treat cheers me up.

 

I had to take antidepressants to help me out of My funk. Ask your doctor to help you temporarily so you can work on you.

 

 

I thought of suicide lots too but just because you are having trouble living doesn't mean you want to die.

 

Hugs to you.

[hippyherpy]

There's one advantage that most of us have that other people who don't have herpes lack- we know a lot more about this thing than them. We know it isn't anywhere near as big a deal as some make it out to be.

 

When I first got my diagnosis, I did not know what to expect as far as how people would react. I was surprised to find that there are actually a li of people out there who aren't freaked out about it.

 

Now, when we people get freaked out about her herpes, I chuckle to myself because it's almost like hearing someone getting superstitious about stepping on a crack or walking under a ladder. Keep in mind that most people just don't know enough about it- they have low info on the subject of herpes. An analogy would be like a lot of people thinking the Earth is flat and that the Sun goes around our planet, and we are the small group who know the truth.

 

You can't change everyone's opinions, but know this: you are not alone, and what you are experiencing with regards to stigma is not the case everywhere. Also, if you are feeling depressed or down, try to recognize that feeling for what it is- it's just a feeling. It's not the be all end all of your existence. In fact the ability to feel great sadness is actually an amazing thing because it means that you can also feel great joy as well. The sad part will pass I promise you. Wait it out, and try to proactively look for positive things to build on.

 

Keep in mind that attitudes about herpes are changing. More people have more easy access to more information on this topic than ever before, and they aren't just taking the stigma as gospel.

 

Also, my advice is to maybe try to travel and get different perspectives. This isn't just for herpes stuff, but if you are feeling down, it can be easy to get emotional tunnel vision whee you think that what you are feeling is the only possible story. Realize that it's just one side of the life experience and that there are many others to experience as well.

 

Don't give up, stick in there, and when these bad feelings clear, you are going to come out stronger than you can possibly imagine right now.

[janedoe]

Hi,

 

I am a newbie to all this stuff but I know how you feel. Hell, we all know how you feel. Maybe some of us think this way only a second but we all thought it. I thought abt it. Then I thought some nasty stuff abt my giver too. I got angry with life, my luck and the health system. I got depressed, didn't leave my house, didn't eat and sleep. When I slept, I had nightmares. This is not easy and we clearly didn't deserve this s.ht but it happened. Nobody can change what happened to us. What is done is done.

 

The thing is nobody in this forum continued feeling this way. After some time, we all got up and started living again. For some of us it took longer, that is all. We are the proof that you can be happy and have a life that you want. Everybody has down days but it is ok.

 

Also, you don't need to fight and face this everyday. You just need to accept the fact that this has happened to you. You don't need any explanations to anybody, you are not required to change other's point of view including your parents'. What anybody thinks about you doesn't matter. You are who you are plus a skin condition. That is all.

 

So, life threw a sucker punch to your face. It happens. You just need to get up and continue living your life. It seems hard I know. Take one day at a time and be patient. I promise you it will get easier after some time. You just need to start.

[Katidid]

Ditto to all coments above and read the success stories here and the veterans page. Hippyherpy has lots and lots of successful disclosure stories.

[Bambina3]

Hi Butterfly and welcome

Great posts above me, I don't have much to add other than support, I also still have trouble dealing, mainly with the emotional stigma, and doctors think I have carried the virus for decades (age 18) but officially confirmed in August.

We reached out for support, that's a great step in the right direction, your days will be brighter and filled with much sunshine and smiles:

Hugs !!!

[Butterfly211]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I've read them over and over to try and grasp onto the reality of actually getting through this. The tears haven't stopped but I'm holding on. You are all so amazing, thank you.

[DD1234]

Wow! So much amazing advice on here. I can only echo what everyone else has said. The bad days really, really suck. But they don't have to last. I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago when I was dating my ex. Had a complete meltdown, with a lot of fear, lots of tears, hate etc. Who was going to love me? What if we broke up and I never had sex ever again (thank goodness for vibrators!...too soon for comedy? ;-)) But I can tell you those feelings eventually faded away. Hell, most of the time I actually forget I have herpes, until I start to like someone or think about sex. And I consider this progress! It means that I'm getting to a point where it doesn't have to affect my life.

 

I can also relate to you about feelings of being unsupported in the medical community. I remember when I talked to my doctor about it, I was expecting a hug and empathetic words of I'm so sorry for you, but instead she said "slap a bandaid on it" which I found funny, and also slightly disturbing. Possibly this was because my ex was positive too, since he gave me the virus. And then I started thinking....If the medical community acts like it's no big deal, what if that's because it isn't? Yes, it is a big deal to us when we find out, downright devastating actually, but what if doesn't have to be? What if in the grand scheme of life, Herpes really isn't that big of a deal? I think of all the sex-ed classes, and the photos they used to show us as kids to scare us away from sex, and how STDs were portrayed as "horrible" and "dirty" and "bad". And I'm not advocating anyone go out and get an STD, but like everyone else said above, we didn't ask for this. And having Herpes doesn't make us horrible, dirty, or bad. We're still people. We're still human beings that deserve all the happiness and love in the world.

 

I wish I could say to you that things will get 100% better, but just like anything in life, that's not the case. There will still be bad days. I had a pretty bad weekend actually, after some recent rejection, that stirred up feelings of hurt and depression, which is why I decide to join this forum. I CAN say however, that after reading the stories on here, and sharing my own, I'm already starting to feel so much better. It's amazing what a powerful group of like minded people can do.

 

One more thing that might help. I've been doing this recently, and it's been putting things in perspective for me. Statistically 1 in 5 people have the virus right? Well, most places I go now, when I'm thinking about it, I start to count people. I know it sounds silly, but it helps me to get a visual and to imagine that there might be people out there that are probably going through the exact same thing that I am. I even counted people at church today, and I go to a mega-church, so quite possibly a LOT of people at my church may have Herpes! LOL. (Yes, I thought about herpes at church. I never said I was perfect ;-))

 

Hope this helps, and keep your head up! You seem like you are taking all the right steps to recovery - seeing a therapist and joining this support group. Someone above also mentioned talking to your doctor about temporary anti-depressants, and I think that's a good idea as well if you haven't tried it. A lot of people in my family suffer from severe depression, and medication seems to help them a lot. You sound like a wonderful, smart and beautiful woman, and nothing in this world is worth taking your own life for, especially something that can be managed like herpes. Don't hesitate to keep reaching out!