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Feeling like my life is over when it’s only just really begun


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I turned 18 this year, had an amazing time going out with friends and embracing my sexuality being single after being in several long term relationships. I recently went on a girls holiday where I contracted genital herpes and gonorrhoea (which they have now cured) but the thought of living with herpes for the rest of my life seems like too much to handle at the moment. One stupid mistake with a good for nothing guy who I’ll probably never see again who I text to inform and he didn’t even have the decency to reply. I feel violated and disgusting, like I’ll always be paranoid of an outbreak as my first one has been so horrific, too scared to tell a partner in the future as there is such a stigma around all STIs. I just feel like I have a burden weighing me down.

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There are a lot of people who have felt (and are feeling) what you're feeling.

Focus on rebuilding your self-image.

You haven't changed fundamentally. You simply have a medical diagnosis which you'll need to disclose before being intimate.

It may slow things down with some people, but it won't stop you from living the way you want to, unless you stop yourself from trying.

Nothing is ruined. Nothing has ended.

Those feelings are temporary, and you will feel like yourself again.

Give yourself permission to see the good things in yourself. Seek your own respect and admiration again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have had a similar experience! Don’t worry though! I got it young as well, all though the world may feel totally over it isn’t. At first it really really sucks, but as time goes on you realize it isn’t a big deal at all and this STI does basically nothing. I’d say just to know your stuff, when hooking up with someone  make sure to tell them, and just don’t let the BS phase you. It’s annoying but if someone really likes you they can see past it and realize it’s so minor and really isn’t a big deal!! 

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Hi! So I'm 21 and going into my senior year of college and totally understand how you feel. I was partying and experimenting after my horrible break up with my first love right before my sophomore year. After being a complete idiot I finally slowed down and was only hooking up with one guy for a little while that I was friends with and I ended up getting HSV2 from him. I actually got it right before spring break and my 21st, so my spring break trip wasn't as fun as i wished. I feel so lost and alone and I've found myself contacting my ex who wants to get back together and I don't even know if its what I want or if its this diagnosis I'm avoiding coping with. I guess I don't really have any answers for you, but I I wanted to offer my situation and struggles so we both feel less alone. I have told my mom and two of my best friends which helped but it isn't the same as being accepted by a significant other, and I'm so scared for that part to come. If you're heading to college it's going to be hard, but I know many people in college have it as well, they just hide it like i am, hence how I probably got it (though I don't plan to expose someone without letting them know). The worst part is I was doing pretty good just not talking to my ex and being independent, getting healthy, and focusing on my future instead of partying and hanging out with guys, and now I'm more confused about if I want to be with him and what I want. I also just experienced my second outbreak because I got sick with a fever, that piled on top of my friend messaging me saying she would rather die than get herpes were just the icing on the cake.... Anyway you're not alone, let me know if you need to talk. 

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Hey ladies, I'm 22 and I just got diagnosed around 3 months ago.  I had gotten out of a 3 year long relationship when I decided to embrace being single and shortly after found out my diagnoses.. I had slept with 2 other people that I trusted and I'm hoping whoever passed hsv2 to me didnt know.  I also have been depressed and feel like life can never be the same.  Fortunately  the guy I have feeling for was very understanding when I told him and said it wasnt a big deal and didn't change how he felt about me.  Unfortunately him and i have parted ways because of professional reasons.  That experience showed me that it doesnt matter how many people accept my diagnoises if I dont accept it first.  It's just as big of an inconvenience as getting your period!  Which us women have always been strong enough to handle.  I'm hopeful that some day I'll end  someone  just as reasonable and understanding as the guy I first disclosed to.  I know it can be scary but the future has always been uncertain, this is just a curve ball we didn't see coming.  Fortunately there are great people out there that will listen and take time to understand what herpes really is and learn that's just another medical condition.  There are ways for you to keep your partner safe and hopefully there will soon a vaccine!  Stay positive and know you're amazing just as you are.  If you accept this and understand what it really is then you can take back control of your life.  Overall this is a small mountain that if you let it will only make you value yourself more.

Xoxo

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6 hours ago, alllgood said:

Hi! So I'm 21 and going into my senior year of college and totally understand how you feel. I was partying and experimenting after my horrible break up with my first love right before my sophomore year. After being a complete idiot I finally slowed down and was only hooking up with one guy for a little while that I was friends with and I ended up getting HSV2 from him. I actually got it right before spring break and my 21st, so my spring break trip wasn't as fun as i wished. I feel so lost and alone and I've found myself contacting my ex who wants to get back together and I don't even know if its what I want or if its this diagnosis I'm avoiding coping with. I guess I don't really have any answers for you, but I I wanted to offer my situation and struggles so we both feel less alone. I have told my mom and two of my best friends which helped but it isn't the same as being accepted by a significant other, and I'm so scared for that part to come. If you're heading to college it's going to be hard, but I know many people in college have it as well, they just hide it like i am, hence how I probably got it (though I don't plan to expose someone without letting them know). The worst part is I was doing pretty good just not talking to my ex and being independent, getting healthy, and focusing on my future instead of partying and hanging out with guys, and now I'm more confused about if I want to be with him and what I want. I also just experienced my second outbreak because I got sick with a fever, that piled on top of my friend messaging me saying she would rather die than get herpes were just the icing on the cake.... Anyway you're not alone, let me know if you need to talk. 

Hi I am the same age as you and I am also going into my senior year of college. I got herpes type 1 after loosing my virginity to this guy I was talking to for months and I really liked. The crazy thing about it is he didn't even have herpes but must have had a cold sore on his lip that i didn't see. It is hard being in college with it but like you i'm just focusing on my future right now and getting into grad school. Stay strong!

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  • mr_hopp changed the title to Feeling like my life is over when it’s only just really begun

It helps hearing replies from people going through the same situation as me and my age... I know I need to just get over it, but hearing how other college kids and the world in general talk about it can really get me down. Like I'll be fine and then someone will make herpes a punchline of a joke or sound like the end of the world, or I get an outbreak, and I just feel so awful. I'm going back to my doctor this week to get an actual blood test and ask for advice on how to manage. I was avoiding this since my diagnosis a few months ago I guess I was still in denial. Wish you all luck, and you can message me to talk whenever! I know I need to. 

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I think it's awesome that we're all here to talk and comfort eachother.  I'm sure we're all going to be fine and eventually find someone who understands this is a simple skin condition that can be managed.  Let me know if any of you ever need to talk again 🙂

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi guys, sorry I’ve been inactive I had started a new summer job! Your replies really helped me and I’ve been slowly but surely getting my head around it. Since contracting hsv2 in late June I hadn’t had an outbreak until now which is on my inner thigh which is a lot less painful than what my first outbreak was and I feel less embarrassed than it being in my genital area. I start university in a months time (I’m from England so in America it’s college!) and I’m just hoping if I do find someone there or have any relationships that they respect it, I’m so worried some shit bag might end up telling people if we didn’t work out! I’m a huge over thinker though 

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11 hours ago, cw2000 said:

Hi guys, sorry I’ve been inactive I had started a new summer job! Your replies really helped me and I’ve been slowly but surely getting my head around it. Since contracting hsv2 in late June I hadn’t had an outbreak until now which is on my inner thigh which is a lot less painful than what my first outbreak was and I feel less embarrassed than it being in my genital area. I start university in a months time (I’m from England so in America it’s college!) and I’m just hoping if I do find someone there or have any relationships that they respect it, I’m so worried some shit bag might end up telling people if we didn’t work out! I’m a huge over thinker though 

My biggest insecurity right now is the back firing of the disclosure to someone, seeing as I'm young and I'm sure I'll have a few more relationships before I find the one. 

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After hearing about a few people on my campus that have hsv2 but dont disclosure or even use protection I've decided I'm going to protect myself and my reputation.  I'm in no rush to jump in bed with someone but if I decide to I'm not going to disclosure.  I'm only the dail suppressant and will always use a condom.  If the relationship ever gets to the point where we want to stop using a condom I will have the talk with him.  I've ways put others first but in this situation I need to protect myself.  Its only a skin condition and it's totally manageable.  If someone were to contract it from me they can grow up and learn to control it the way I have.  I dont take this situation lightly, I never want to hurt someone else but I'm going to put my feelings and reputation first.

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7 hours ago, Gypsy22 said:

After hearing about a few people on my campus that have hsv2 but dont disclosure or even use protection I've decided I'm going to protect myself and my reputation.  I'm in no rush to jump in bed with someone but if I decide to I'm not going to disclosure.  I'm only the dail suppressant and will always use a condom.  If the relationship ever gets to the point where we want to stop using a condom I will have the talk with him.  I've ways put others first but in this situation I need to protect myself.  Its only a skin condition and it's totally manageable.  If someone were to contract it from me they can grow up and learn to control it the way I have.  I dont take this situation lightly, I never want to hurt someone else but I'm going to put my feelings and reputation first.

I’m so glad you’ve said this. I’ve just been diagnosed and thought I’d never ever have sex again because I can’t bear the thought of rejection and someone possibly telling other people about it. But it’s my body and it’s just a skin condition! As long as we’re careful and taking preventative measures, why should anything change? 

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20 hours ago, Gypsy22 said:

That's exactly how I feel. On top of the daily suppressant and the condom I take lysine and echinacea to also help prevent an outbreak.  People with hsv1 dont disclose and we shouldnt have to either.

Feel deeply into what you're saying here. Is this your heart speaking or your anger and pain? If the roles were reversed and someone else knowingly put you at risk, how would you feel? What kind of relationships come of this sort of behavior? I say all of this not to judge (I was in your position at the beginning of this journey, too — it's part of the 5 stages of grieving), but to help to save you from the heartache of not disclosing and the guilt of putting someone at risk without their consent. I've coached so many people who are on the other side of such a decision and that is the moment their integrity truly kicks into high gear (or at least it's the moment they decide to listen to it) ... only after it's too late. Doing the repair work to recover your integrity is a whole lot more work than acting from your integrity from the beginning. I hope this helps put it into perspective for you. 

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Hey guys, I just wanted to share my story and offer some advice from my experience. 

I got herpes from the second guy I ever slept with after a long term relationship when I was 18. I am now 27.

Herpes ruined my self esteem and self acceptance. I've avoided relationships. Over the years I've sought  out men that I thought I could do better than only because I didn't think that men on my "level" would accept me. I didn't think I truly deserved it. I self sabotaged in so many ways because I felt disgusting and gross. I have subconciously sought out men with " problems"  because i figured theyd accept my problem in exchange for my acceptance of theirs.  Ive slept with people and not told them because I knew I was "being careful". I've left my family and moved away from my small home town city  because I feared letting myself get close to anyone Because then i would have to tell them I had herpes. I feared they would reject me and tell people. I have listened to people, friends, coworkers, society joke about how disgusting herpes is. 

A year ago I dated a guy who I actually thought I deserved and i didn't tell him I had herpes. I took antivirals everyday. 6 months into our relationship he got herpes. 

I broke all trust in our relationship by not being honest with him and our relationship ended. And now because of me , he has to live with herpes. I can honestly tell you that knowing I inflicted the same emotional suffering on him weighs much heavier then if I had just been honest with him from the start. The guilt is heavy.

Since then i have disclosed to 2 men that I went on dates with that I have herpes. They did not reject me. I'm sure in the future some will. And that's okay because you are more than herpes. 

Life is unfair and people can be cruel but don't keep the cycle going. EVERYONE has flaws whether they accept them, hide them, repress them. The right person will understand that, but first YOU need to find true value in yourself.  If you dont believe youre more then herpes then how can someone else believe that?

Its the anger that fuels the attitude of "well someone lied to me why shouldnt i"   The person who gave you herpes kept it secret because he was emotionally suffering with coming to terms with it himself. Be the person to find empathy and forgiveness and let the anger go for YOURSELF. The burden is much worse then the actual disease.

Herpes is not you and you are not herpes. Just like a cold is not someone and someone is not a cold.

If someone really loves you they will accept you for you. In reality, it is just a skin disorder and society has placed a huge stigma around it. But society is ignorant to most things because people are afraid of vulnerability. You are better than that !!

Also, throw the facts at them. When you're on antivirals and have sex without a condom it lessens the risk of passing it on to 2 percent a year. 4 percent without antivirals. That's the almost the SAME percent as the risk of pregnancy with a condom (1.5 percent) and 4 percent is the SAME percent as getting pregnant  using the "pull out method". Life Is full of risks so if someone really loves you then you'll be worth the 2 percent. 

Hope that gives you some insight and guidance. Good luck

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13 hours ago, Gypsy22 said:

That's exactly how I feel. On top of the daily suppressant and the condom I take lysine and echinacea to also help prevent an outbreak.  People with hsv1 dont disclose and we shouldnt have to either.

Are these orescripted drugs? I have no idea what I antiviral drugs I should be taking to prevent outbreaks and prevent transmitting it to partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

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  • 1 month later...
On 8/15/2018 at 1:08 AM, Caity11111 said:

Hey guys, I just wanted to share my story and offer some advice from my experience. 

I got herpes from the second guy I ever slept with after a long term relationship when I was 18. I am now 27.

Herpes ruined my self esteem and self acceptance. I've avoided relationships. Over the years I've sought  out men that I thought I could do better than only because I didn't think that men on my "level" would accept me. I didn't think I truly deserved it. I self sabotaged in so many ways because I felt disgusting and gross. I have subconciously sought out men with " problems"  because i figured theyd accept my problem in exchange for my acceptance of theirs.  Ive slept with people and not told them because I knew I was "being careful". I've left my family and moved away from my small home town city  because I feared letting myself get close to anyone Because then i would have to tell them I had herpes. I feared they would reject me and tell people. I have listened to people, friends, coworkers, society joke about how disgusting herpes is. 

A year ago I dated a guy who I actually thought I deserved and i didn't tell him I had herpes. I took antivirals everyday. 6 months into our relationship he got herpes. 

I broke all trust in our relationship by not being honest with him and our relationship ended. And now because of me , he has to live with herpes. I can honestly tell you that knowing I inflicted the same emotional suffering on him weighs much heavier then if I had just been honest with him from the start. The guilt is heavy.

Since then i have disclosed to 2 men that I went on dates with that I have herpes. They did not reject me. I'm sure in the future some will. And that's okay because you are more than herpes. 

Life is unfair and people can be cruel but don't keep the cycle going. EVERYONE has flaws whether they accept them, hide them, repress them. The right person will understand that, but first YOU need to find true value in yourself.  If you dont believe youre more then herpes then how can someone else believe that?

Its the anger that fuels the attitude of "well someone lied to me why shouldnt i"   The person who gave you herpes kept it secret because he was emotionally suffering with coming to terms with it himself. Be the person to find empathy and forgiveness and let the anger go for YOURSELF. The burden is much worse then the actual disease.

Herpes is not you and you are not herpes. Just like a cold is not someone and someone is not a cold.

If someone really loves you they will accept you for you. In reality, it is just a skin disorder and society has placed a huge stigma around it. But society is ignorant to most things because people are afraid of vulnerability. You are better than that !!

Also, throw the facts at them. When you're on antivirals and have sex without a condom it lessens the risk of passing it on to 2 percent a year. 4 percent without antivirals. That's the almost the SAME percent as the risk of pregnancy with a condom (1.5 percent) and 4 percent is the SAME percent as getting pregnant  using the "pull out method". Life Is full of risks so if someone really loves you then you'll be worth the 2 percent. 

Hope that gives you some insight and guidance. Good luck

Thank you for your guidance. As I am only 21 and resonating with the feelings with the girl above a lot more... I've also epxerienced the guilt of passing to someone before knowing and I can never forgive myself even though i hadnt had a clue. I would love to put myself first in this situation bc I'm with immature college boys that spread rumors, but that makes me realize it's not worth it until I find the right one. 

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On 8/14/2018 at 7:45 AM, Gypsy22 said:

After hearing about a few people on my campus that have hsv2 but dont disclosure or even use protection I've decided I'm going to protect myself and my reputation.  I'm in no rush to jump in bed with someone but if I decide to I'm not going to disclosure.  I'm only the dail suppressant and will always use a condom.  If the relationship ever gets to the point where we want to stop using a condom I will have the talk with him.  I've ways put others first but in this situation I need to protect myself.  Its only a skin condition and it's totally manageable.  If someone were to contract it from me they can grow up and learn to control it the way I have.  I dont take this situation lightly, I never want to hurt someone else but I'm going to put my feelings and reputation first.

The amount of people on my campus that I do and don't know with it and I know do not disclose( or maybe they also don't know), is an unbelievable number. I mean the guy i contracted it from could've not known, but when I look back, I rememeber the situation being weird, almost like he intentionally did it to me. And now he is back with his ex after jumping around to soooo many girls, and I'm just thinking about how many he must've passed it to intentionally (A friend of a friend said she got something from him but never said what.. of course i knew what). My point is there are plenty more of them out there, and right now I want to focus on me but I never ever want to put someone through it like I had been. I think if I used all protection and anti virals with one night stands that should be ok... but if I plan to get in a relationship or back with my ex, that's where my situation gets sticky. I'm going to have to tell them at some point but I just don't know if im ready to trust ANYONE with it yet. I also am in the stage where, well why can't they deal like I am if I give it to them? But there's just something about putting a life long burden on someone that fucks with my head, whether i think its a big deal or not. I don't want to be looked at as their abuser or like i intentionally did, like i think the guy i was with did. IDK.... college makes it much harder than people think, its just like high school with the rumors and stigmas and I want to protect my self esteem until I'm ready to disclose as well. I'm glad I had someone else say it before me, I feel a lot better lol. 

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