fitgirl

There is far more gratification in saying nothing in times like those. You did the right thing and it gave you the power..... nice job

@wcs.. often our children are the ones who test us the most. You have come too far to let this bring you down or pull you back. The reality is.... we can't control what anyone thinks or feels, even our own flesh and blood. stay your course, be loud and be proud. The rest is out of your control.

Whoa...... @wcs...when it comes to our children we don't always have perspective. This is one of those moments. Regardless of what we do and who we are, we can't guarantee our children. Will be the people we tried to raise them to be. Sometimes it takes longer than we hoped for them to mature and sometimes it never happens and we live with the knowledge we did our best. You have spent countless hours giving so many on this forum wicked advice that is wise and heartfelt... I am going to turn your own strategy back on you. if you read this post, what would you say? You would say that there is no downside to transparency and honesty. There is no fault in owning who and what you are. There is not shame in this and the stigma is only what we allow it to be and we WILL NOT allow it to define us. This is fucking ridiculous.... how can something so trivial create such emotional pain? I can't explain it any more than you can but I it's up to us to keep pushing forward and realizing that our children are shit heads sometimes... we love them anyway and eventually they grow out of being shit heads. (hopefully). At the end of the day, you know deep down this issue with your daughter (and everyone else in the scenario) isn't about herpes at all. It's about maturity and integrity. You have both in spades.

Herry, for a guy who is new to this herpes game, You are well on your way my friend. It's been 17 years of my 40 year old life that I have had this pleasure..... you are light years ahead of most in your process. keep up the positive attitude and humor just don't use it to always mask the pain. FEEL the pain, metabolize it then make fun of it. That is what will be your ace in the hole (sorta speak ;)) I like that you posted the down moments, they exist for all of us....the testament to our future is how we turn them around

Herry, the only disgusting one in this situation is her. a solid 10 you say? I think you meant a solid 0 . I find it unbelievable that someone could be so shallow and ignorant but as I always say, you can't fix stupid. you really took a beating but maybe you just had get all of those shitty things out of your system in short order. you are a funny and compassionate guy who will eventually find your match, these experiences are just tests along the way. you will pick up your bootstraps tomorrow and move on with your head held high and your humor sharp, the world has so much more to offer. I feel sorry for people who can't pull their head out of their ass long enough to know that human connectedness is only achieved by those who love the whole person, not just their parts. keep being brave and keep trying, your soul mate awaits you out there somewhere.

yes, you will know when the time is right and you shouldn't rush it if you are not ready. for me, I woke up one night and knew that I was ready....I know a lot of people prefer face to face disclosures but I found it helpful to me and my partner to write him a letter. yes....a good old fashioned letter! it gave me the opportunity to put all my thoughts and feelings on paper and articulate everything I needed him to know. I included the links to positive information in the letter so he would be guided towards the good sites like this one. it gave him a chance to read and process what I was telling him and respond without feeling like he had to say something right away. just another option for you to consider. in my case, it went extremely well and I am now madly, deeply in love with this man and he loves me even more than he did before.

lelani, nice work! props to you girlfriend..... you offer a unique perspective. someone who accepted the man and the virus but loved anyway and accepted the potential risk. even though I was the one with the virus to start a new relationship I firmly believe I would be the same woman you are...I would take the chance and accept the risk. I have loved addicts and accepted them, I have accepted the broken and tried to help fix them. if a man I loved disclosed to me he had herpes I know I would have taken the chance and accepted the outcome. that's who I am and good on you for being that same kind of woman! the lesson here is that at the end of the day...herpes or not, we have choices in life and I never regret...I only grow. I would take the passion of living over the scared life any day . even if it meant I got herpes. its a small price to pay for the depth of love and connectedness that follows

Laughter is helpful in finding the good in any challenge we face. If you let go of the bad and embrace the good you will be one step closer to laughing through the pain. Then after a while it doesn't hurt anymore and the laughter will make you feel human again. I joke about herpes with my H- partner all the time and we both enjoy the fact that it's just part of our lives. Doesn't define us or bring us down. I got a virus on my computer the other day..... I told him I had to disclose something again..... its about a virus... its my computer....its infected.... will you love it the same?? :) Viruses are everywhere. Most people have one. Yours is herpes. It's not the end, it's just the beginning.

I have been where you are...had previous disclosures that ended in acceptance and love. some people say that with each disclosure it gets easier but that is always the case. even after positive experiences, it can feel like the first time all over again especially when you feel something deeper than you have before. what I learned was that the longer I waited, the harder it got.....I also stressed about it and felt sick to my stomach imagining all the possibilities. I had grown so emotionally attached to my man that the fear of losing him was overwhelming, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. I had to end the insanity and pull the trigger, let myself off the hook and move forward pushing past the fear. I realized that the longer I waited the worse it would be for us both so I took the leap of faith and I told him my story. I also gave him links including this site so he could learn more about the virus and warning him that google will scare the shit out of anyone so don't believe the hype! it was a huge weight off my shoulders and I felt better letting go of the fear and shame and I had to let go of the part of this I can't control.....his reaction. I could only be myself, open and honest and completely transparent. sharing the challenges but also sharing the reality of herpes in my day to day life. I have had the virus for 17 years and the only time it has ever impacted my world is when entering into a new relationship, otherwise it has virtually nothing to do with 98% of my life!!! why would I give it more attention and power than it deserves? you are just as smart, sexy and funny as you were before you got it so if he doesn't think you are all of those things once he knows you have it, then that's his issue. my outcome was awesome, epic in fact. the man I loved and adored accepted me in every way and we actually connected on a much deeper level as a result of herpes. give your man the benefit of the doubt, go in with the attitude that he will love you just the same because there is a good chance he will. regardless of the outcome, you are growing and learning and connecting to life in more meaningful ways and these experiences build our character and help us define who we are. good luck, much love....I know how you feel but its REALLY going to be ok.

I have to suggest that based on his aggressive reaction and negative response, this guy may not have been the person you thought he was. You didn't set him up, you didn't betray him, you waited until you felt close enough to share something very personal and scary. His lack of compassion and understanding point to bigger issues with this man. His response has more to do with his own baggage than it has to do with herpes. I think that herpes was your filter to weed out a man who wasn't going to stand by you and love you completely. There is no perfect way to disclose and you can't predict how someone will react. Don't beat yourself up about this. Lick your wounds and realize there are so many men out there with more depth than this!

I love stand-up comedy.....but I always hated when the comedians made jokes about herpes as though it was funny, I love to laugh but when they told these jokes I felt like the fun was sucked out of the room. yet, when they told gay jokes or fat jokes or any other jokes related to people's insecurities I laughed my ass off. tonight while watching my fave comic Kevin Hart, I realized something very important. for the first time since I have followed him, he made reference to herpes and I realized that the reference is no different from virtually all of the topics that comedians talk about. they address the awkward and they make fun of it. the fact that I couldn't laugh at the joke was my issue, why did I think that laughing at every other unsettling and insecurity based joke was ok yet herpes isn't something I should and could laugh at? sometimes when we are so close to an issue we lose perspective...... I want to laugh at it, I want to embrace it and I want to be reminded that we all have something deserving of a stand-up joke.... why should I be immune to the joke? herpes is in fact funny! it feels like a cruel joke but actually its just one of the many things in life we need to learn to laugh about. one of Kevin's first shows was called "laugh through the pain" and I have to say.... when I allowed myself to laugh about it, herpes became just another opportunity to laugh at my pain and the challenges I face each day. I laugh equally about all the other bullshit in the world, I want to laugh, even if the joke seems like it is on me. the critical message here is that the joke is NOT on me (nor is it on you).... its just a joke and we all need to embrace that its ok to make light of a painful issue. the more we laugh, the better it gets....

I totally agree! in my case it was willful and purposeful harm (he also kidnapped me, sexually assaulted me, stole my money and ruined my credit) that said....I have let go of the rage many years ago. I actually believe that there is no place for blame in all of this. it really doesn't matter how we got herpes, all that matters is what we do with it. I will say when the intentional entrapment is fresh, you have the right to feel hate and rage and anger. its part of the process and its natural. the key is to get it all out and then let it go. I really believe it was a gift and I am thankful for everything I have experienced in my life, no regrets. its made me who I am today and I am wickedly awesome :)

You are a smart young woman and doing everything RIGHT. You are well beyond your years and showing great responsibility and an authentic, realistic approach to life. go with your gut feelings, take the red flags as a sign.... herpes is one of many filters we have use your common sense and you will know what the clear choice is. I spent many years try to save people, help them, giving more than I ever received in return. you sound like a similar soul, protect that about yourself...don't let anyone take advantage of you. you are WAY out of this guy's league. if it was me, I'd cut him loose . when takers use up so much of our emotional real estate, we don't have the time or energy or ability to meet people who are giving back. you have to clear out the negative to be able to see the positive. its all around you and you deserve better

I am new to the discussion board and I just looked back at previous conversations you have all had regarding disclosure.....it seems the majority strongly believe in face to face disclosure but as I mentioned in my previous post, we have to acknowledge that there is more than one way to skin this cat. texting is not the same as an email or in fact a good old fashioned letter! there is something extremely cleansing to put pen to paper and tell your story. I look at it like a diary entry, revealing your deepest darkest secrets and sharing the things you fear most. I have had more than one extremely positive outcome from writing to my potential partner and they appreciated having the time to sit and read and re-read my disclosure. it also gave them a chance to formulate their questions and not feel awkward asking them. in my letter I provided resources including this site to guide them towards accurate and positive information. disclosure is not a one size fits all scenario, you have to go with your gut and follow what ever path you are most comfortable with. its not too late to follow up with an email or letter ....the outcome may not be what you hoped but you will feel much better having put all your cards on the table

I don't believe there is any right or wrong way of disclosing. its a personal decision and one you make to the best of your ability at the time. for some people, disclosing in a letter (email) allows them to explain and articulate their story, sharing their fears and providing information. it can give the receiving person time to process and think through what they have just heard and doesn't put them in an awkward position to "say the right thing" . for others, the face to face disclosure is important with undivided attention. it wouldn't have mattered how you disclosed, the fact is, you were brave enough and cared enough to tell him. he is likely scared (as we all were) and needs time to think and research. unfortunately we all know how horrible google is! I recommend exactly what WCS said, guide him to the disclosure booklet and this site in general. and coming from someone who has had hsv2 for 17 years, I can assure you there are plenty of people out there who don't care about a minor skin condition once they understand it. WCS nailed it though.....deal breakers come in all forms and herpes is just one small detail in the game of dating. acceptance begins with you. being part of a group of elevated people who understand that we are giving way too much power to this silly virus will help you find good people who will love you in ways you could have never imagined.

I have had the exact same disclosure experience and in fact, contracted herpes in the same way!!! a man trying to control me and not wanting me to ever leave him. there are some real losers in the world. that said, those types of people give us a great gift. they teach us that love is more than skin deep and we cannot be controlled. we are loveable and perfect as we are. my disclosure was equally traumatic, I was so scared and nervous to tell this man I loved deeply that I had herpes. the trauma quickly turned into the most loving and romantic and connected experience I have ever had. we need to share these great stories as much as possible to let others know that there are soooo many cool and amazing people out there who live a deeper life and value the person inside. its our own fears that hold us back a lot of the time, we need to remember that if we love ourselves and feel worthy then others will too. we have to take the lead and give the ones we love and care about more credit sometimes! its an amazing feeling to have someone accept you and understand you and support you in a deep and meaningful way. so thank that jerk who gave this to you......I firmly believe it was your path to finding the man of your dreams

my feedback will be simple .... it sucks to disclose. its scary and you can never predict how someone will react. herry is right, no one wants herpes but no one wants to be alone either. the reality is, everyone has a right to their reaction and we cannot control that. ignorance and google are our worst enemies in this fight! there is one thing I can guarantee you in all of this..... with any rejection comes another chance to find the right one. there are many smart and compassionate people in this world and you will actually have a greater chance if finding those souls with herpes than you ever had without it. keep trying and keep the faith, the world has more to offer if you keep looking, your time will come and you will be just fine.

herry has it figured out.... fuck that was one of the funniest things I have ever read. herpes related or not! reality is, it feels like the joke is on you but in fact its just a life lesson. you didn't do anything wrong, you lived life just like we all do and just like we all have. you dodged a bullet for sure..... life isn't over, just beginning. as you can see you are not alone. this is not a life sentence, its an opportunity to be better and grow. don't let a blister here and there hold you back.....there is a world full of connected humans out there who understand that what you carry doesn't define who you are. even if others have not shown they are elevated don't lose faith. keep trying, after 17 years with herpes I can tell you...... life is awesome. be brave, love deeply and don't ever feel shame. others will love you and want you, trust me