fitgirl

after reading this stream I wanted to momentarily revive it only to say this...... getting all the facts and statistics about the virus is extremely important. It helps you to understand and mitigate the spread of Herpes and it empowers you with the information you need to make an educated decision. That said, you can crunch all the numbers in the world and rely on the percentages and statistics but you will NEVER be 100% protected from the virus. Every time you have sex there is risk. You may have herpes and not know it, your partner may have herpes and not know it...... at the end of the day you have to decide which risks in life you are willing to take and which ones you aren't. Be careful, be mindful and be compassionate but don't let the fear of the "what ifs" stifle you. If you did the stats on dying in a car crash you would never get behind the wheel. Herpes is just a virus, it is a mere inconvenience. When you put it in perspective you will realize that life is full of risks and no amount of averages and data will change that. Do your best, protect yourself and others, be careful, be honest and be good to yourself and the ones you love. The rest is beyond your control.

Because the nerves in the genitals/anus are connected, the outbreaks can travel down different nerve endings but its the same virus and not necessarily "spread" from one place to another. I get them on my tailbone at times, rectum and various locations on my vagina. The nerves "down there" are all part of a system and in some people the outbreaks can appear in different locations in that network. Just as if you had hsv1, your cold sores don't always appear in the exact same place. I do echo @wcsdancer2010..... it really doesn't matter :)

apparently hsv2 orally is quite rare but you will see a few people on this forum that are in the approximate 1% of people who will contract it orally. The advice I received from my STD specialist and from Adrial via this site was that hsv2 prefers the genitals to all other areas of the body BUT its not impossible to get it elsewhere. my man is HSV- and goes down on me regularly with the knowledge that it is a remote possibility. I would encourage you and your boyfriend to research the site on this topic and I bet @wcsdancer2010 will even send you directly to the links for it :) the more knowledge you both have, the less scary this will be for both of you. You can only provide him with the information and he will make the choice he is comfortable with and you will have to love and accept his choice one way or another. If you don't already use them, I suggest trying sex toys with clit stimulation that he can use on you. Its not the same I know but its still a fantastic alternative!

It's extremely unlikely to spread it to his hands. If there is only 1% chance of spreading hsv2 to oral, it would be even less likely to spread it to hands. Maybe Adrial can confirm this since I am no expert but that is my understanding. As for the other fluids....the virus spreads directly from the area that has an OB. if you have an OB vaginally, that is the only fluid that would carry it, not in your saliva unless you have an oral OB or are shedding. So you could perform oral on him when you have a genital OB and be totally fine. I hope that helps.

Open cuts would be susceptible for sure but if the virus is in your body already and you touch it with your hands in the absence of cuts it is highly unlikely it would spread. Hsv2 prefers the genitals at the best of times. I also want to remind everyone that it is smart to learn everything you can about the virus, protect yourself and be cautious but don't let it consume you. Love your body and live your life, enjoy sex, enjoy playing with yourself and other :). Being careful shouldn't hold you back from your sexuality.

The ladies on the forum with more facts may want to chime in on this one but from what I have learned, once you have genital hsv2 you cannot get it "again" in another location. That was also confirmed by my std specialist. Others may have different information on this topic but that has been my research. I have had the virus for nearly 20 years and I masturbate with or without an OB!!! My men have also done it on me and were just careful to wash their hands. In fact, using sex toys and hands is the best way to enjoy sex while you are shedding (if you know) and having an OB!! P.S. For the mindset side of things, check out H Opp's e-book and handouts. They're golden. https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

@lebunny your life has changed yes, but it is far from over. In fact, its just begun. Sometimes a reality check is what the universe had in mind for us and this is yours. I know exactly how you feel, the first part of this process is to go through all the emotions you are feeling now. I felt exactly the same way, as though I would no longer be attractive to a man, no longer be able to feel sexy and that somehow I lost the freedom I once had to enter into physical relationships. Those are all natural reactions. they are also VERY WRONG. after 15 years with this virus, I can tell you that you will get your sexy back, you seem to have a fantastic man who loves you and cuddos to both of you, this virus plays by its own rules and it is tricky. The more you learn about it and the more you understand it, the less freaky it is. funny enough, I had my H- boyfriend say the same thing to me when I first disclosed to him..... he too said that I am not getting rid of him that easily and that we will deal with it together. I also told him that I didn't want to be with him if he looked at me differently sexually once he knew I had it. I told him I would understand if he didn't and I would understand if he didn't want to be with me. We cant control how other people will react, and we can't judge them either. We just have to accept that everyone is entitled to their own reaction and decision. We can only believe in ourselves and our own worth as whole human beings. This virus eventually becomes a minor inconvenience in a lifetime of experiences and relationships. If you find out which one you have down low, it can help you process this. You are assuming that you gave him cold sores/HSV1 but it is possible HE gave you HSV1 of the genitals. either way, you both have herpes!!!! why do we feel shame when we have a cold sore on our genitals yet oral cold sores don't generally create that same feeling? you kissed him and loved him the same after his cold sores healed right? the point is, it doesn't matter in the big picture whether you have HSV 1 or 2 or both.....what matters is that you aren't "dirty" and you aren't different now that you are H+. You are one of 80% of the population that has herpes, try to remember that :)

@beautifulbreanne as @PositivelyBeautiful said.......he may not have known. Even if he did, it doesn't mean he is a bad person it just means he was scared too. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if he knew or not, all that matters is that you have herpes now and you WILL BE OK. You will love and be loved again I promise you..... there are a lot of really great men out there who will see you as a beautiful, sexy woman who is worth the risk. We all take a risk every time we have sex with a new partner whether we know we have herpes or not. Herpes will be your filter now, you will be more careful and you will shift your attention to building an emotional relationship with a man before jumping into bed with him, that is the gift in this. The virus will slow down the process and allow you to find out if you really care about him and find out if he really cares about you. adjusting to the knowledge that you have herpes and learning about the facts and physical symptoms is the first step to regaining your confidence. You have come to the right place! I have had the virus for many years and have met some fabulous men who didn't care at all about herpes, they didn't see it as a big deal and definitely was not a "deal Breaker". This virus will actually help you find an authentic man, one who wants more from you than your body. as for the symptoms and suppressive therapy, I highly recommend it! I am one of those people who got regular ob's (even though I live an extremely healthy lifestyle and have had the virus for 15 years) I can tell you that 500mg/day of Valtrex has been amazing. Not only does it reduce my ob's to nearly zero, the one I did have while taking it lasted less than 2 days. AND of course, taking suppressive therapy reduces the risk of passing it along to my H- partner and that is a huge factor clearly. As for my H- partner....he has been amazing, doesn't care I have it and doesn't care if he gets it (I care) but the point is, its not at all relevant in our relationship. I am not going to lie.....disclosure is tough, its scary, its nerve wracking but its also a growing experience regardless of the outcome. You are the same chick now as you were before H, in fact, you are better. smarter, more enlightened and you will be more compassionate towards others who struggle with their own issues and stigmas. welcome to our world....we are the lucky ones.

As a veteran of HSV2, I can tell you..... there are MANY good, smart, amazing men out there who can see past the inconvenience of the virus. My man has actually wanted to get it just so it wasn't an issue for ME. THAT is an incredible gesture of love. I have done everything in my power to prevent that from happening but it does make life far less stressful and far more liberating to know that the person you love accepts you and accepts the risk. I would venture to guess there a a lot of men and women out there who have open hearts and open minds, you just have open yours and you will find them :)

If he had a cold sore, it would seem the test may not be accurate. I would recommend testing again. Did you both get tested for HSV2 as well? And why would he break up with you if he gets cold sores and you get "vagina" sores.....how are they different? This is a constant confusion among genital carriers and their partners.....why are the rules different when the sore is on your mouth instead of your genitals? You kiss WAY more than you have sex!!!! As you will see all over this forum, we need to be rational even when those around us may not be. And... if he breaks up with you at this point because you have cold sores of the genitals then I would suggest he wasn't the kind of man you would want to end up with anyway.

@guyfromkc Yes! You could carry for a long time and not know it. So could your partner.... depending on the tests and accuracy you can never be sure. I have had experience where my partner was married (twice :)) three kids and no herpes symptoms. Years later it erupted and he didn't know what it was... he had a long sexual history so there was no telling when he got it and from whom. that is the herpes dilemma. We can never know for certain how or where we got it....we can't know for how long we have had it and we certainly should NEVER assume someone has strayed. herpes lives within us whether we know it or not, we need to understand how this virus lurks and how it erupts to understand that just because you have infected someone (unknowingly) doesn't mean you knew you had it and damn sure doesn't mean you cheated. Have faith, you have done anything wrong.

I need to chime in here..... herpes or not, the balance of your vagina (flora and fluids) is generally disrupted by douching. it is best to leave your lady parts to cleanse themselves and keep things in balance. Acidophilus supplementation and a healthy diet will keep your "vessel" healthy :). Trust that your body will cleanse.... it will.

@blueskysagitarrius Sometimes herpes can consume us, we attribute so much weight and importance to it that we forget about the other 99% of life and relationships. Try to remember that (as you pointed out) you had challenges in other personal relationships (as we all do) and things didn't work out before herpes. Sometimes things happen for a reason and we discover we are not compatible.... its not all about the herpes :)

@wcsdancer2010 as always, practical and informed advice, it is very helpful to the new members of the "club" to have tangible and practical tools to help them through the minefield they are negotiating through. It's hard enough to be young, trying to figure this life out. With support and education, we can change attitudes one ignorant and naive person at a time. The change in attitude starts with our own.

@unknown1818 your last comment is perfect. its the bottom line in all of this. you did your homework, you are here....you found out you have HSV1 so you are one of "us". you always have to enter these relationships with the assumption you can "get it" but the reality is....that is how you should enter all relationships. You didn't know you had HSV1 yet, at 30....I am going to assume you have kissed your share of people (friends, kids, lovers) . Did you feel differently about yourself when you knew you had HSV1? does taking it slow mean you aren't kissing either? my point is, you are going about this in the most upstanding way, open and honest about your feelings, getting tested, getting information....MUCH CREDIT for that. the questions I ask are merely to make you think more. it is wise to take it slow on sexual relationships regardless of whether herpes is a factor. this is allowing you and her to be respectful, thoughtful and mindful. THAT is a gift. whether she is "the one" for you or not, you have already shown that you are a smart and mature man who is human and compassionate and she has shown you the respect you both deserve. The fear is natural, the uncertainty is normal. There are no guarantees in life, just make sure you are comfortable with all of your life decisions, not just this one. And regardless of how any of them turn out, remember........ risk is part of life, don't miss out on it thinking you can always control the outcome. Make your choices and accept the consequences without blame of yourself or others if it doesn't work out the way you had hoped. I can tell you from experience, you will find your happiness if you are prepared to be vulnerable and open your heart to all that life has to offer.

@Sil88 and @ele3 our peers don't get away with taking risks......they will learn their lessons the hard way (as most of us do). You are correct....we may be given this gift of herpes even if we did everything "right". the awkwardness and fear is normal. You don't have to disclose to make a difference, you can still be a leader and a voice. The conversations will get easier to have the more you have them. Test the waters, be brave and accept the fact that some people remain ignorant about so many things, herpes is just one topic of many where ignorance thrives (HIV, homosexuality, mental illness....the list goes on). if you learn to accept it. Own it and empower yourself, you will find that you no longer resent those people, instead, you feel sorry for them.

I think we all have the tendency to forget the way we saw the world before H. I would venture to say that every one of us was ignorant on some level because it wasn't our reality and it was something that we didn't understand. Once we get our diagnosis, we research, reach out and get educated. We become "experts" on the topic of HSV and we get enlightened. When people make jokes or seem careless, we have to show them empathy because we hold the knowledge and we know better. We know condoms don't protect you enough, we know that most carriers don't know they carry and we also know we can never go back to that ignorantly blissful place they are now. Instead of letting it get you down, try to take control of the emotions you are feeling and use the opportunity to educate. You don't have to disclose to educate, you just have to see the situation as an opportunity to challenge the others to learn more about all STD's. Herpes is one of MANY potential STD's and some of the others are far more dangerous! Herpes is a gift, it forces us to learn more about ourselves and the things we value. It forces us to be more authentic and mindful of our choices in relationships and sex. Herpes and acne don't define you, they are merely inconveniences. Your skin will clear and your outbreaks will come and go but your life will be full of amazing days where you are living, loving and laughing. Pay forward what you have learned and don't let a minor skin aggravation take away from being YOU

Love that you are a long time lurker and first time poster. That's so funny, perfect and awesome. You are well on your way to understanding this process and this reality. You have shown an exceptional level of understanding (of yourself and others). Your realistic and positive attitude will lead you to the right relationship. I give you huge credit for being patient and understanding. Sometimes when we as herpes carriers are faced with these realities, we lose sight of what it was like before diagnosis. We also lose perspective at times..... we shouldn't blame others for their choices and their decisions, it doesn't make them bad people, it doesn't make us unlovable. this is just part of life and relationships. We all have reasons for our choices in life, the beauty of it is.....we have the right to our choices. we don't want to be judged, so we should not judge others. At the end of the day, herpes is a gift, a filter. It allows you to find your authentic self and allows you to be more connected with the human spirit. I have had men accept me, love me and not care at all about this silly little virus and with that attitude and positive energy, I guarantee you will have the same. Cuddos

@wsdancer....nice to see you still in the trenches of this forum and always giving positive and heartwarming advice. Your patience and love for all of the souls you help is impressive. I want to reiterate your sentiments. Believing that you will be let down by others can become a self fulfilling prophecy. As you say, our expectations of others and our assumption that they will let us down becomes a barrier and will most certainly lead to disappointment. If we can stop projecting our fears and insecurities on others and open up enough to be vulnerable and accept unconditional love, we would be surprised how many people are actually supportive, loving and genuine human beings. It seems to me, there are a lot of those people on this forum......

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/vanilla/discussion/bookmark/2552/VBRGXI4UZFYP?Target=discussion%2F2552%2Fmy-epiphany-herpes-is-in-fact-a-joke

refer back to a week or so ago on this forum.... I posted "my epiphany...herpes is, in fact, a joke." I love comedy and I love to laugh. I have learned that we all laugh at other people and the things that make us uncomfortable. just because we are sensitive to the joke, shouldn't make it not funny. it takes time and acceptance to get to this point but I have to say..... if I can laugh at gay jokes, Ukrainian jokes (I'm Ukrainian), black jokes (love of my life is black), why shouldn't I laugh just as much about herpes jokes? laughter is good, all good humor is based in pain. laugh along, and be free. its not judgement, its laughing through the pain and realizing that we all have something that is worthy of a stand up comedy routine. laugh along and mean it..... its ok . its actually pretty funny. no one get through this life without a challenge and if herpes is your biggest hurdle, consider yourself lucky :)

@mixedemotion22114 .... you are a smart young woman. sometimes boys (men) make you feel like they are loving you for the right reasons and make you feel like you are lucky to have them. sometimes you are and sometimes you are not. trust your gut and your intuition. herpes is no reason to stay together and it is not reason to break apart. it doesn't matter if you have chlamydia it doesn't matter if you have herpes, it doesn't matter if you have AIDS. you are who you are. get informed, get tested and stay strong. you are young and you have a full life ahead of you. this is soooo not going to define you, its only going to make you better.

hey fellas, I know you are male bonding here.... but from a female perspective I want to share something . I love boys (not in that way) and I love men (in that way) . I have a 7 year old son whom I talk to openly about anything and everything I feel he is able to understand at his age. I have always related to men and I feel like you guys get the shaft (pardon the pun). chicks talk (often too much), they share, they cry, they whine and they express. men don't always have that opportunity....guys don't talk to other guys about intimate things typically and they are criticized for being weak if they cry. who are you suppose to talk to if you can't talk to women for fear of being judged for being weak and you cant talk to other men for fear of being put down for showing emotion? its bullshit. it is so hard to be a man in this world when women want you but don't need you. you have to pretend that your heart doesn't break and you never cry..... and shit, now you cant even get some loving from a "hook up" . I am going to let you in on a little secret. smart and connected women will love you more now that you have to be honest and authentic....they will accept you and appreciate you in ways you cannot imagine. look at herpes as a great lesson that will help you make better choices and will lead to a woman that is everything you want and need. the hook up hot sex wears off fast, you are just skipping that step now and getting an opportunity to find a deeper and lasting relationship.

and may I suggest...... your roommate isn't a whore just because she has slept with a few men. it only takes one sexual encounter to contract an STD (or as we call it in Canada, and STI). part of our goal is to not judge and not make assumptions about people regardless of whether we agree with their lifestyle choices. if you do have HSV, it might be an opportunity to educate her as to the risks.

reality is......exercise is not likely to trigger an outbreak, wear loose clothing or do it naked! for all you newbies, try not to put too much emphasis on all of these little details and issues. worrying about triggering an outbreak is far more likely to cause one than most of the things you are fearing. exercise is obviously great for your body and even better for your mind and spirit. don't let this silly little skin condition control your life, just live it! as a fitness professional and someone who has had this virus for 17 years I can tell you, there is absolutely no reason to stay away from exercise!