fitgirl

@kitcat77 I totally understand your question about disclosure. I have often wondered why we are here painstakingly worried and conscious about disclosure when we have herpes on our genitals YET...... I have NEVER had anyone disclose to me that they get cold sores before kissing me! It is such a bizarre double standard that goes to show how idiotic our human thought patterns and perceptions can be. After all, you kiss your mother with those lips! And my parent both get cold sores (I don't) but the point is...... we shouldn't be kissing or having sex without disclosure in my opinion. That's how you got here in the first place. The more we bring genital herpes to the masses and educate them, the more we will enlighten the 80 % of the population who has cold sores (or at least carry hsv1), that they have HERPES!!! It's amazing how many people don't have a clue about the virus that they carry. It doesn't matter where you have herpes, you have it! And as such, you should let your partners know regardless of the length of the relationship.

There may be hesitation for some women for sure but to be honest, I was never a chick that would blow a guy I wasn't in love with and in a monogamous relationship with anyway! I save the good stuff for the men that mean something to me :). Herpes had nothing to do with that decision, it was just a personal choice. The point is.... as much as hook ups can be fun, the novelty wears off and you are generally left without a meaningful relationship. Herpes just forces you to prioritize your sexual and emotional relationships in a new, more meaningful way.

@janeyjazz That is the perfect analogy. I remember feeling the exact same way when I got my period. I thought my life as I knew it was over.... I couldn't swim or do sports....or so I naively thought until my mom simply pointed out "that's what tampons are for" :). Duh!!!! Yes, herpes is just like your period in so many ways. An inconvenience at best.... and for me (15+yrs with H) the suppressive meds are like my tampons, they handle the symptoms and reduce the risk so I can get on with the other 99.9% of my life

Same in Canada. an infectious disease doctor might be willing to do it but you would have to ask specifically for it and hopefully you get a good doc!

Did you sleep with her after you had your diagnosis?

Ahhhhh ok... and she has it orally and had it before you knew her? If she has hsv1 orally it's not impossible for her to get it vaginally but it is far less likely since most of the time you "can't" get the same herpes twice especially if she has had it for a long time orally. There are rare circumstances that it apparently happens but that is not the norm. I find it crazy that she would react this way when she already has herpes!!!!! That blows my mind, she can give it to someone just as easily as you can so her attitude makes no sense. And why would you feel guilty about giving herpes to someone who already has herpes? :)

@WCSDancer2010 amen!!! As a personal trainer I hear ALL the complaints every day like you do in your profession and I say exactly the same thing. Back pain (undetermined pain in general) is very often a physical manifestation of emotional and psychological issues. It's not that the pain isn't real, it is. The CAUSE is not physical. There is a trend for newly diagnosed people to attach every ache and pain they have to herpes. It's also common to attach every emotional and relationship issues to herpes. That's a bit too convenient..... Herpes is demonized as the root of all evil it seems!!! Wow that is a lot of power given to one relatively minor viral skin condition!!! The sooner we stop placing so much negative importance on the virus, the sooner life will go back to "normal". Think of herpes as your new best friend... accept it, treat it well and love it unconditionally even when it's a pain in your ass :)

The blood test will only tell her what kind of herpes she has, not where it is located. But..... if she already has hsv 1 and gets tested for hsv 2 it would seem likely that it is herpes vaginally. You have type 2 genitally? I am not sure how accurate the swabs are but they really need to dig deep in the sore to get enough virus to test so it is possible they didn't test properly. It's also possible she had a yeast infection and it's not herpes at all. The symptoms can be similar. for peace of mind, I suggest she get more tests done in 6 months since early testing often comes out with false readings.

What did they swab? Vaginal or oral?

@WCSDancer2010 is a wealth of information on testing and accuracy she will post that info in this stream I'm sure! In the meantime, read some of the earlier posts because she always gives the info to newcomers and I would just be regurgitating her words :)

@New_Name You have said and done it perfectly! Disclosing and remaining confident in who you are is the key to moving forward in new relationships. You have proven and articulated that your life is just as good if not better after h and I share that same reality. Herpes is inconvenient but it's not a life sentence like most people feel when they are first diagnosed. Disclosures are really hard but they are worth the challenge...regardless of the outcome. H just makes you more responsible and that is never a bad thing. I have had it for over 15 years and have had the MOST amazing relationships inside the bedroom and out. @Koolkat you will experience many blow jobs in your lifetime if you are a good, honest man, those blow jobs will come from a woman who trusts and loves you instead of just a "hook up". Learn about the virus, be safe and conscientious then continue living your life!

It may be too soon to get a positive result and without conclusive diagnosis you may be jumping ahead. There are others on the forum that will chime in on the science and testing accuracy but regardless of the outcome, use this as a great learning experience. The feelings are normal. None of us wants to pass this on.... but at the end of the day we can't control all outcomes. You have done what you needed to do. Disclose. In future, suppressive meds will also help minimize transmission (if you haven't already considered them). You may not have passed it on at all, so don't beat yourself up about it! If you did..... you have to remember that you don't need to feel guilt, just empathy.

@riverstyx I totally get how hard this is.....been there a few times. Not to be taken lightly.... its very important to you and super scary. I get it! What I can guarantee.... regardless of how she takes it, you will be a better man for having faced the fear and taken a chance. THAT is how you will find the woman of your dreams. Too many men let the good ones get away because they are afraid to take emotional risks. Don't let that be you.... if she isn't the one, it's good practice for the next lucky lady :)

I agree with the previous posts. Use your experience as a starting point. Full disclosure and honesty is number one on most women's list of what they look for in a man. Take it from me, honesty and vulnerability and the willingness to have uncomfortable conversations (the ones that are awkward but matter most) is a huge connecting factor. Men willing to put themselves out there are very desirable ;). Not weird at all...... your efforts would make you even more attractive in my books. Openness and honesty are hot!

@New_Name My advice is simple. You haven't done anything wrong. Be proud and realize that if you are made to feel badly, that person would have eventually made you feel this way for some reason. It's not your fault. It's just the luck of the draw and the chance we all take. You will learn from this and they will too. Keep your head high and know that the initial reaction is based in fear. Be supportive of your partner and continue to be open. As time goes on, we all come to terms with this and they may just need some time and understanding. You are well equipped to be that person. Just don't feel guilt or shame!!!

I totally agree and very much get the "culture". I remember the day magic "came out" and easy E passed away. We ALL need to get real.

Ha! Crap :) didn't see that! I'm much better with words than technology! Thanks ;)

@CaliLuv143 You are right, anyone can give it and anyone can get it. Most people don't know they have it and most people don't know that HSV is not part of the typical screening. In Canada they don't test for it generally at all (even if you request it). Just know.... yes, you may have herpes but nothing else has changed. Life will be everything you want it to be, marriage, kids, a picket fence if you want! Herpes is a pain the ass at times but it doesn't define you, nor will it limit you. It will just redirect your approach to love. Love yourself first. Once you do that, Mr. Right will be just around the corner. I have had H for over 15 years and I have had a fantastically full and sexual life. I love deeper now than ever before. Herpes did me a favor, it forced me to focus on what really matters. This is just a hiccup in your life plan, the more you learn the more you will get comfortable with the virus and as time goes on it gets way easier :)

This is a old discussion that might help add to this stream. Not sure if I referenced the link properly! @WCSDancer2010 help if I didn't please! :) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1716/a-question-for-men-with-herpes#latest

I understand the hesitation. If you love to work out and it improves your mental health then you should work out. Whether you are newly diagnosed or not, please try to remember that you need to do the things you like to do and the things that make you happy. We can't avoid every action that "may" lead to an OB. If that were the case..... I would never work out, never have sex, never drink etc..... I know it's hard at the start of all of this but my message is the same whether you are new to the virus or not..... continue to do what makes you happy and whole, as time goes on you will realize that the virus only controls you if you let it. At no time in my life would I tell anyone that being active is a BAD thing. It's totally up to you but I support movement :)

As a fitness professional and long time herpes carrier..... yes on some level there can be the potential for increased OB's but working out makes you feel better physically and emotionally. Wear loose clothing, eat well and recover. The positives to working out will far out weigh the negatives. Often, the ob's are the same no matter what you do so staying fit should not deter you.

@dancer As usual, I concur with you. That is exactly my approach to this virus and everything else in the world for that matter! As a nutritionist I have seen the "experts" continually change their so called facts about foods and when when it comes to vitamins and minerals, very little is actually known. We can only be forensic in our research and collect info from all sources. We can never be certain, there are no absolutes. I am actually one of those people who's immune system did not "kick the virus to the curb". I live an extremely healthy lifestyle that would rival most, I sleep no less than 8hrs a night, eating naturally and organically, work out 6 days a week and lead a low stress lifestyle. I rarely get sick even. Though I have a grade school child and work hands on with people daily. I tried every natural remedy in the book from ozone therapy to lysine etc.... yet, after 15 years with the virus I was still getting OB's at least 6 times a year with varying degrees of severity. One of worst OB's was only 1.5yrs ago!!!! They lasted on average 7 to 14 days so the immunity theory clearly did not apply to me. I tried valtrex for and OB one time and it made me sick!!!! BUT...... I went to my infectious disease doc for more advice and he suggested I try it again but with only 500mg daily. I was motivated to try it because I was entering a new relationship with a H- partner. Low and behold..... the 500mg didn't bother me at all and in the year and a half I have had only one OB that lasted 2 days. For me, the suppressive therapy has been fantastic, my body obviously was one that needed the meds to control the virus. And regarding the Healthcare systems, there are pros and cons to both but as was mentioned, other countries don't see herpes as such a big deal. There is also a profound lack of knowledge and many assumptions made about Canadian Healthcare and medical expertise. We are often under acknowledged for our contributions and approach to ensuring our citizens are receiving the care they need. Here in Canada they don't test for herpes or hpv and even if you request it, you are not likely to get it! The attitude is that hsv and hpv are not curable nor are they life threatening (directly that is). Of course hpv can lead to cancer but they do not test for the hpv since almost everyone has it, it is not treatable and not all strains are life threatening. In a pap, they are testing for irregular cells as a result of hpv, NOT testing for the virus itself. I have to say..... while I know the emotional toll that herpes takes is huge for many people but when the docs and nurses view it as relatively minor and are happy to treat the symptoms it does make you realize that we can have the tendency to blow it out of proportion. I am not minimizing the pain and struggle of having herpes for those who are still learning to accept it, merely pointing out what I say over and over.... herpes is just herpes don't give it more power than it deserves. Deal with it in any way that works for you then get out there and live your life!

Ha. This was for a different stream.... will post it there too :)

@sickoflifelessons I have been where you are!!! A few times. I know exactly how you are feeling. Dancer nailed it..... IF he has it, you didn't intentionally give it to him so you will have to let go of the guilt. He is ok with the risk, you should be too! Too many h+ people push away their accepting and loving H- partners because of this. He signed up for this and is a grown man who made a decision and HE is ok with it dont let YOUR issues get in the way. If he has it, deal with it together but stop the pitty party (and I mean than nicely). Just trying to get you to clear your head and realize you have a man that every single woman on this forum would die to have. Go home kiss that man and be thankful for that. Don't let this consume you, it doesn't have to.

@dancer As usual, I concur with you. That is exactly my approach to this virus and everything else in the world for that matter! As a nutritionist I have seen the "experts" continually change their so called facts about foods and when when it comes to vitamins and minerals, very little is actually known. We can only be forensic in our research and collect info from all sources. We can never be certain, there are no absolutes. I am actually one of those people who's immune system did not "kick the virus to the curb". I live an extremely healthy lifestyle that would rival most, I sleep no less than 8hrs a night, eating naturally and organically, work out 6 days a week and lead a low stress lifestyle. I rarely get sick even. Though I have a grade school child and work hands on with people daily. I tried every natural remedy in the book from ozone therapy to lysine etc.... yet, after 15 years with the virus I was still getting OB's at least 6 times a year with varying degrees of severity. One of worst OB's was only 1.5yrs ago!!!! They lasted on average 7 to 14 days so the immunity theory clearly did not apply to me. I tried valtrex for and OB one time and it made me sick!!!! BUT...... I went to my infectious disease doc for more advice and he suggested I try it again but with only 500mg daily. I was motivated to try it because I was entering a new relationship with a H- partner. Low and behold..... the 500mg didn't bother me at all and in the year and a half I have had only one OB that lasted 2 days. For me, the suppressive therapy has been fantastic, my body obviously was one that needed the meds to control the virus. And regarding the Healthcare systems, there are pros and cons to both but as was mentioned, other countries don't see herpes as such a big deal. There is also a profound lack of knowledge and many assumptions made about Canadian Healthcare and medical expertise. We are often under acknowledged for our contributions and approach to ensuring our citizens are receiving the care they need. Here in Canada they don't test for herpes or hpv and even if you request it, you are not likely to get it! The attitude is that hsv and hpv are not curable nor are they life threatening (directly that is). Of course hpv can lead to cancer but they do not test for the hpv since almost everyone has it, it is not treatable and not all strains are life threatening. In a pap, they are testing for irregular cells as a result of hpv, NOT testing for the virus itself. I have to say..... while I know the emotional toll that herpes takes is huge for many people but when the docs and nurses view it as relatively minor and are happy to treat the symptoms it does make you realize that we can have the tendency to blow it out of proportion. I am not minimizing the pain and struggle of having herpes for those who are still learning to accept it, merely pointing out what I say over and over.... herpes is just herpes don't give it more power than it deserves. Deal with it in any way that works for you then get out there and live your life!