fitgirl

And @beachdude, I appreciate all your info . As I am sure others do too. Education is good for all.... admittedly I glossed over after "hello" and did need resuscitation after the first paragraph :) That said...... we all need different types of support, its all valuable.

I echo that @dancer. I have much support for all that Adrial has done on every level! Minor glitches of technology are not my concern at all! The fact that we have this forum is what matters...

And.... yes, my grammar sucks because I'm on my phone as well :)

Erring on the side of caution is fine BUT...... the intent of our input in many cases is to provide an opportunity for people to stop obsessing about herpes traveling to every part of their body and shutting down their sexual an physical lives completely. @WCSDancer2010 was making the point (I believe) that yes, there may be a remote chance of transfer but if we all lived our lives on the 1% chance of shit happening, we would never get out of bed. The pros and cons of the forum are often in direct contrast to the point of support. Information and statistics are great, but living your life and don't stressing about ever hang nail is FAR more important in my opinion. There are always exceptions to every rule. That's life. After many years with herpes, I masturbate, I fuck, I make love, I kiss, I give blow jobs, my man goes down on me and I also run with scissors from time to time. Safety and caution is important yes, but don't let it stifle you, life does go on. The truth is.... NONE of us are experts on this virus (even the "experts" aren't experts) so sharing what we have experienced and learned is all we can do to help the people newly diagnosed and show them that herpes should not consume them.

@Sadman Regardless of the outcome.... ask yourself, would you rather have the woman you love in your life with herpes or would you rather let her go? If she knew (and that is a big if) it doesn't mean that she is untrustworthy nor does it mean she doesn't love you. I have had men "want" to get herpes from me so I don't have to worry about it because they loved ME. They didn't care that they had a relatively minor skin condition. I am not saying that is the norm but..... if you walk away for the reason that you feel you can't trust her, that makes sense. If you walk away because of herpes, that makes ZERO sense. (in my opinion).

@Cortney00 The symptoms may be an OB or they may not. Could be a yeast infection or UTI. It is quite possible to have OB's on your anus and swelling can also occur with OB's. I always assume I am having and OB (when in doubt) but if it persists, you may want to get checked for candida so you can treat that separately. You don't needs blisters or bumps to be having an OB so it doesn't hurt to use the ointment to see if it helps.

@Savashpar It's normal to feel less sexy when you discover you have herpes and even moreso when you have an OB. You will learn to deal with that over time, be patient with yourself. But..... as much as you feel this way, I suggest you talk with your BF, he is feeling the guilt of giving it to you along with the fact that he is dealing with herpes also. It's not easy for either of you but if you have open dialouge you can get through this stage together and be more connected than ever before. Don't shut him out and don't shut down, you are in this together and if you feel badly about yourself he will feel even worse about himself. I know it's hard to come to terms with the diagnosis but take from a vet..... you do get your sexy back and you have a man who needs you to understand and accept him just as much as you need him to understand and accept you. There is no blame in this, if you come together you will find a deeper level of connection.

@sandman I understand you feel betrayed. But...... it is a tricky situation, scary and uncertain. She was likely in denial or what we call "willfull blindness" she didn't want to lose you and wasn't completely honest with you or herself. That said, you have decide if you can forgive her. Herpes is a virus but it doesn't put in any life threatening risk. She should have told you but she couldn't/ didn't. It's not because she doesn't love you, it's because she was so afraid of losing you. Sometimes we have to look at intent. I'm not saying it's ok that she didn't tell the truth, I am just saying in understand how and why she didn't. . You only need to ask yourself if you can forgive her and if you would rather live without her. Only you can answer that. You need to talk to her and tell her your feelings. Then you need to decide what is best for you. Just make sure you don't let go of a woman you love because she made a mistake. She likely did it to hold on to you (from what you describe). It is sooooo hard to disclose and not everyone has the courage. Herpes isn't a life sentence, just an inconvenience but you have every right to your feelings. Good luck :)

@Danaaaaaasaur NO this is NOTHING to be ashamed of. You could have contracted herpes I soooo many ways and from anyone under any circumstance. The condom may or may not have made a difference. Don't beat yourself up, you didn't do anything wrong. We haave herpes, and you know what? It's ok. There are always moments of "what if" but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter, we are HERE. More importantly, learn from this! You are worthy of MORE than you gave yourself credit for and men will treat you how you let them. This isn't as bad as it seems right now, you adapt to herpes and now you will demand more from the men you meet. It doesn't matter how or why you have herpes, you are still the same person and you ARE worthy of someone who has your best interests at heart. This man was clearly not that person but they do exist. Don't let him or the virus define you. Pick up the pieces and move forward with confidence and pride. You deserve so much more.

Hey fellas, its ok to get fired up about this. All threads are organic in nature and that's ok. Dialogue is good! (even if you are wrong :)) No system is perfect. And yes I know that taxes pay for our Healthcare, I live here in Canada, I get the tax bill. The point in all of this is that "regular" people should have accessible care and even though our taxes are insanely high, no resident goes without the care they need and that could be as small as wart removal or suppressive meds to open heart surgery and extensive cancer care. I think we can all agree, there are pros and cons to every system. All I can say, is that our ideals on this side of the border differ greatly from the American approach. @seeker makes the point clearly, whether you have herpes or cancer, Healthcare needs to provide access for all.

Whoa!!!! #1 Healthcare in the world??? You mean in research and drug development? Yes that may be true but "government sponsored" Healthcare provides ALL people with the critical (and not so critical) care regardless of whether they can afford it. I'm not sure how it works in the UK but here in Canada, we get exceptional treatment and care from top physicians. You can get suppressive treatment without issue and we pay ZERO premiums in Alberta (other provinces have small premiums and you only pay if you can afford to). So....yes, I would rather that kind of Healthcare.

@lasko I figure your "stats" would have been the same without herpes.... isn't that how life is? We get accepted and we get rejected. 4 out of 6 would be a good average for anyone :). We have to remember that without herpes, relationships don't work out. It's important to remind ourselves of that reality. Chances are good you record may have been the same without H. You may have been "fucked" more but I guarantee you wouldn't have been LOVED more. Herpes just weeds out the players ;)

@tired_of_hiding what a great post! Thank you for sharing it..... as a veteran of herpes myself, we need more of these stories for the newbies to hear. What many people don't realize (especially those under 30) is that we have the Internet now and no one has to fear scared and alone, there is support across the world, access to information and education that wasn't available in the years when you were first diagnosed. The more we can share our stories, the less scary this is. It's truly amazing how many resources are available to us now, we need to embrace the help and the knowledge and pay it forward to those around us. Thanks for sharing

When you are new to the virus your body and your head space are different for sure. The symptoms are often worse in the beginning but they are also more prevalent to you because they are new. Dealing with the physical pain and the emotional fears can be overwhelming. We ALL want a cure for herpes! What you will learn is that as time goes on, it does get better and it does get easier. As a veteran of the virus, I have felt all the same things at some point but I have found an immense shift in my life that has been positive as a result of the challenges associated with HSV. If you focus on everything that is GOOD in life you will find that the virus only has the power to bring you down if you let it. It's all a process.... I can tell you for certain, my life is BETTER and more enlightened than it was before H. I have deeper, more connected relationships and I embrace the virus as part of what builds my character. I own it, it doesn't own me.

Yep, you are correct. Hope and research and discussion is all good. The point was.... helping people manage the symptoms and emotional scars right NOW is exactly why we are on this forum. You cannot control what the "powers that be" will research and fund but you can control how you deal with and manage your life with herpes right now. If we don't have a cure, we need to put our energy into supporting those living with it until we do.

@WCSdancer2010 you say a lot of great things on this forum every day! Your patience is amazing :)

While we all hope for a "cure" it might be better served to put our energy into the here and now, that is what we have direct control over. Hypothesize and hope for a cure for herpes but in the big picture, support and management for those who contract it would be a far more effective and realistic focus where our efforts will have immediate and life changing impact. We aren't dying of herpes, merely dealing with it. There are MANY other diseases that require a cure to save lives.

@Sil88 even when we are objective thinkers, we can never be truly objective when it comes to ourselves. A qualified professional can provide you food for thought and show you potentially different ways to view your problems and strategies to solve them. @whitedaisies offers good insight into the physical issues, there are often symptoms that are difficult to medically explain but it helps to know others have experienced them so at least you know you are not crazy :) I would suggest......that for people who have the feeling that everything before H was great and then "suddenly" everything "fell apart" post H.......that maybe, just maybe there were issues deep inside you that you were unaware of and maybe, just maybe Herpes dug them up! We ALL have issues, herpes just has a way of shining the spotlight on them. I look at the virus as a way to enlighten my mind and spirit. instead of taking a lifetime to deal with your shit, herpes just rips the Band-Aid off and forces you to deal with the wounds. it often takes some major life challenge for us to look at ourselves and figure out who we are, what we stand for and what makes us happy. Be thankful that your life lesson is just herpes, if that's the worst thing to ever happen to you, then you are one of the lucky ones

@BlueRedGreen Exactly as @PositivelyBeautiful said..... herpes isn't oozing out of every pore. It's a very manageable skin condition that only spreads from the affect areas when skin on skin contact occurs during shedding and outbreaks. You would not have contracted herpes from the interaction you describe. It is fantastic that your guy was open and honest about having it (disclosure can be extremely difficult for a lot of people). He has shown you respect by telling you and I am sure he would be happy to help you understand the virus. The more you learn about it, the less scary it will be

@Kt41 If you use a condom and are on supressive meds and have no prodome symptoms, your risk is really low. I can understand his reservation but his support is awesome. I have had long term relationships and not spread the virus, it is VERY possible. I do say this though..... every sexual encounter presents risk whether you have herpes or not. Don't let the virus consume your life. It is natural to want to avoid herpes but every time you have sex (or anyone has sex) you risk catching something!!! In your case, you are aware of the virus and will take precautions.... he could go sleep with 100 other women who don't know they have herpes (80% of the pop) and he could contract it from them. The odds are far better having sex with and aware partner than one who is unaware. There will come a day that herpes doesn't come into your mind every time you have sex.... Trust me. I have had it for 15+ years and I have had some awesome sexual relationships. Be safe, be honest, do your best. The rest is just the small risks we take in life. We can't control the things we can't control ;)

@HBH This period of dating can be excruciating!!!! I have felt those same feelings myself. It's soooo hard to know when to disclose, its an individual choice and there is a fine line between tell too early and waiting too long. Might I suggest..... when you are talking about taking things to the next level (sex) ask him to get a full STD screen (as you should/would in any new relationship). When he gets his results you can compare notes! There is a good chance he may have HSV1 which would lead the conversation...hey, we both have herpes woohoo! :) If he doesn't, it gives you a starting point for the conversation. If you live in Canada, a full STD screen does NOT include HSV1 or HSV2 or HPV (even if you ask they are unlikely to test for it). The US has a more accessible and available testing profile. Regardless, don't rush "the talk". Go with your gut.

@Sil88 therapy helps you get an objective opinion on your emotions and decison-making. A good therapist can help you process and organize your thoughts and feelings so you can "re-program" the patterns you have. An objective qualified person can give you tools and guidelines on how to change your thinking over time. It doesn't always require medication to work, but in some cases the medication clears your mind so you can think straight. The meds aren't for everyone, sometimes you just need to work on yourself and need some help to do it. @GetBetter111 It sounds to me like herpes has just brought to the forefront the issues pre-existing in your marriage and in your life. Getting help for ALL of those problems is step one. Usually when a spouse "can't find the time" to go to therapy it's because they don't want to deal with the issues. It may be that lack of communication and connect that led you down the path you chose (I am not sure if you meant an affair but regardless). Herpes is your wake up call! It might be the thing that saves your marriage and save YOU. I can guarantee that the feelings you are having now have very little to do with herpes, its just the symptom of a bigger problem. I echo @whitedaisies on this, get help. You will be glad you did.

@caterpillarmonarch I am glad you followed up and asked them. It was a learning moment for all of you. You learned that people can react in a "defensive" way for a lot of reasons, and in many cases, reactions are based on not knowing what else to say. You have already started to educate those around you by having these conversations and that is how we all need to approach this. Even if it's one person at a time, education has to start somewhere. I have educated myself on many STD's..... just because we have herpes, the research shouldn't stop there. it's equally important to understand HPV, syphilis, HIV etc since we are just as exposed to those. Becoming an "expert" on herpes is a great start but while you are in the process of educating your peers, the more you know about STD's the more you can pay forward the information! I often talk to my friends and clients (I'm a personal trainer) about STD's, usually I start talking HPV because it is so prevalent (virtually every sexually active person has it if they have slept with 2 or more partners) and once you have it, like herpes, you ALWAYS have it. And, you can pass it on at any time. Soooooooo how is that different from herpes??? Well, it isn't. Genital warts vs genital cold sores - both contagious, both widely spread yet here we are with the "stigma" virus. It makes ZERO sense and it's up to us to change the attitudes of the uninformed. You have done your friends a favor! And the more you talk about this, the more empowered you will feel about it.

@eproder That sounds like a stellar approach. Much credit to you having the ability to share with us, and especially her. This road is not an easy one sometimes but knowing that others are considerate of each other and honest goes a long way towards developing lasting relationships. Life is short and we have to make the best of it. The beauty is....we get to decide what that means. you have every right to your choices and opinions, I am really glad you could see past the herpes and see the woman regardless of where your relationship goes. In my books, its a successful relationship already :). Keep me posted.

Often people who are ignorant of the facts represent themselves as knowing things they don't in fact know. Reality is, if they actually knew these facts, they would likely react with more compassion and understanding of the info presented. Some may even be deflecting the knowledge that they do not get the tests or take precautions they claim to and/or they too have herpes and aren't disclosing. Either way, don't let the ignorance and "yes of course I know" attitude affect you. YOU know the facts and you will continue to be informed