lelani

Ok so it's a year since I was going through the crazy time of being sick, being diagnosed and working out how I would deal with having H in my life. I had to tell the guy I got if from, we were (still are) friends but had been apart for several months. I had to tell the new guy I was dating..we ended it but stayed good friends. I also ended up disclosing to a new man because as much as I was blown away with a chance meeting and falling for him I couldn't cope...turned out he had it too! I ended up saying goodbye to him after a couple of months as he wasn't over his ex...ran hot and cold when she said she wanted him back... and I was devastated when he went back to her. So three men and three goodbyes in the space of 6 months of contracting H. I chose to be with the man who gave it to me...people have been surprised that I chose the risk. I wasn't, I had already had HPV so there was no judgement and I had already dealt with so much having that. Funny thing is that now, even though I am proof that people choose the person over H and I know others intimately who have it, I still go through all those feelings that no one will want me now. I often hold back from connecting with men as I feel like I am tricking them about who I am. In my head I know its not a big deal...but for today, having an episode after none for 6 months makes it feel like it is (even though its such a minor one!). H only really surfaces in my thoughts when I have to disclose or have an episode, or when I am feeling alone (in those 'not wanting to be' phases). Today I have been thinking about what H has meant to me over the last year with the goodbyes and times of feeling I will always be alone, and I found this: "After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You learn to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring your flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you are really strong and you really have worth and you learn and learn... With every goodbye you learn..." I am very comfortable on my own, enjoying my own company and feeling very fulfilled in my life, and I am really thankful I have learned that sadness passes and I do have the power to change things with my thoughts. It has taken a lot of personal work to get to this point and that really never stops. H does deal us a few goodbyes but maybe that's the opportunity... to plant our own garden and decorate our soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring us "flowers" (love, belonging, nurturing...). And when we do get some flowers we will know more, feel stronger, and understand that happiness starts with us, whatever we are dealt. So this is like my H birthday...and that quote was my gift for today. It's not expensive and shiny and fun...its one of those hidden ones that mean more and are actually priceless (like a lot of H's gifts!). And tomorrow (or the next day ;-) ) I will feel happy again...because I've learned that I can choose to be.

Hey you guys...it has been awesome reading your thoughts, thank you so much for posting. Like WD I appreciate hearing how you feel about having H..and seeing that you are really no different in the fear, the shame..being angry and having a whole roller coaster of emotions too. I totally get how you feel about dating Just...I feel the same way and I am a woman! Must be so much harder for you guys when the cultural norm is for you to ask us out. I find I sometimes avoid eye contact with men because I feel I am tricking them... ( and I know I am a great catch ;-)! ) and its just a matter of time before I have to burst the bubble and deal with the disclosure. I have disclosed to several men in the last year...and found it's easier to get it out of the way as soon as I can so I don't have to feel like the elephant is bursting to get out of the room every time I see them. But you know what..I chose to be with an H+ man...and it didn't feel like a bomb when he told me (I already had HPV). I thought enough of him that he was more important than H. We aren't together now and I was dating another guy when I was diagnosed..told him the same day and he was amazing (we went to being friends, my choice - and we still are ). I then met another not long after and when I disclosed he told me he had had it too for 25 years...that ended because he hadn't go over his ex. It has been so helpful to me to have been with two men who have H...their experiences and feelings about H were very different and both of them had no where to share them 25 years ago. I am really glad you both posted and for any of you guys there who are just looking, feeling isolate and don't feel like you can say something...just post! It's so freeing to be able to 'talk' about your experience...it not only helps you but it helps all of us. Keep posting guys :-) x

Honey I totally get the strong and then crumbling thing...it happens until we just accept and stop blaming ourselves and others. And yeah sometimes we stuff it up and handle things in ways we wish we could have done better...we are all just learning! I remember your first post about this guy and the on off thing with him and how he handled you telling him you have H...maybe H is a gift in this sense. His responses to you..his on off thing - are not good for you and not loving. Let him go and concentrate on yourself, healing your body and your spirit. Stop searching for answers...answers to what? You have H like all of us and you will never know who you got it from. Ask yourself other questions like 'what do I need to do to be the healthiest I can?'....'what to I need to do to forgive myself and others?'...'how can I be an inspiration to others?" ...' And at the same time look for all the things you are thankful for...like your mom. I'm a Mum and it is a privilege to be there for my kids whenever they need me. It gives me the opportunity to love them and show them how much. Don't feel bad you have put her through anything...she wants to be there for you. You will become strong again and its often one step forward and two back...the steps back allow us to work out how to move forward again...its where we learn. Big hug to you. xx

Hey Domh...I answered your other message...yeah don't obsess!!! And give up the worry...that's the worst thing ever for not being happy. And yeah you can be happy with H...and H can push you into learning how to open yourself to it. You will still get sad and sometimes anxious but those emotions pass and you find that good place quicker and more importantly, even when you worry and stress you know that its still there and what you need to do to get back to it. I've just had a sad time, but it only lasted a few days and now I'm back to feeling good again! So focus on the things you enjoy, ditch worrying and have some fun!!! :-)

Hi Domh :-) I haven't taken any medication...chose the natural way as I have done for most things. I think its just personal preference...if you use natural healing you have to be committed and disciplined and it takes a bit more work. But in saying that you do get in the zone and don't even think about it. You are doing great..not just in terms of dealing with H but just being healthy...its good for you! :-) Go for it with the fitness class, keep eating healthy and if you aren't having any episodes of H why take pills? If I get sexy with someone who isn't H+ then I'll take it but in the meantime for me I seem to be keeping H sleeping with all the things you are doing. You have a fab day too!

Me too...they are fighting infection :-)

Hey NC...I agree with pcvkak in that your ex is insecure and defensive and that is why she is also vindictive and nasty. But when someone tells you something the wisest thing is to believe what they say...it doesn't come from nowhere! She was going to tell your family that YOU gave it to her...that's about vindictive as it gets! And to dictate that she will come and verify what is hers...and negotiate discrepancies...I'm with Lisa...dump her things on the curb - no...even better...leave her stuff at your families house and let her pick it up from them. As I mother I would love that opportunity...she wouldn't mess with me lol! Really glad you made it to the hills...this crazy stuff will pass. Be gracious and intelligent in the face of craziness and let your family support you - you'll get through it :-).

Hi LL...can imagine how you feel after your boyfriend freaked out. Adrial is right and I can tell that deep down you know it too...its just getting over that fear of not being able to say the words right. Hey read the disclosure e book and just tell him that as you have gotten really close you need to trust him with something about you...honestly you have nothing to loose. If you don't know if it's going anywhere its a good practice disclosure. No you don't know how he will react but that is all about him...not you. If you disclose with caring and honesty you are giving him the opportunity to respond with the same...if he doesn't then again if you respond as you disclosed you will teach him something. I haven't had anyone freak out yet...I may not be with them but they were supportive and learned heaps from me. So treat it as a practice run and if he is sweet with it then yay! If not he's not the one for you and H has sorted that out. Sending you good thoughts :-)

Brilliant!...very cool... and can see why Adrial is blown away (you deserve the gift mate :-) )

Awwh thank you....yeah we gotta keep this amazing energy going and pass it on whenever we can. Love your posts too and one day we will all get together, will be amazing! And I want to get to a seminar...working out ways of making more money than my saving the planet job pays lol! Where there is a will there's a way...just may take a little time!

I'm in New Zealand..will have to win a lottery! :-)

I'm excited for you..I know it will be amazing! I'll have to be there in spirit as its just too far for me :-( One day [-O< .

I have to say OMG again...! She gave YOU an ultimatum???? Maybe it will be freeing for you to tell you family straight away (and give them the opportunity to support you in this...if any of my kids or siblings shared this with me they would have my back 100%!!!! and just let her carry out her threat. Scott...run for the hills!!! I hate to sound flippant but seriously...she is not good for you and she has done something very hateful and vindictive...the hate comes from her and its not you. She actually needs help. This virus won't stop you from having a healthy future relationship...actually it is a guarantee for one if you live with honesty and integrity. It will require you to overcome your biggest fears about yourself, learn to love yourself and to be courageous. Your girlfriend has already terminated your relationship...that kind of breach of trust is a deal breaker. You deserve so much more. And I have gone through the same level of shocking behaviour in a relationship with someone I thought loved me so your experience doesn't shock me...I know how it feels. But I also know it teaches you what real love is and that it is better to be alone than in a relationship where you have no trust. Yes I'm here for you too Scott...this too shall pass. There are so many amazing women out there (a few of us here to ;-) ) that you don't need to settle for this. Another hug coming your way :-)

RS...I posted on another one of your discussions too. I am glad you posted again and i have been worried about you. You don't need to be scared honey...millions of people have it too, it is soooooo common so you are not alone. It is not going to go away in that the virus sleeps in your body until your immune system is down, like if you get a cold or you are stressed, not eating well or just plain angry about something. Have you talked to anyone about it, do you have some support? Do you know what type you have? How has your boyfriend reacted? You can write anything on here, and there are a lot of amazing people to help you. Tell us more about what is happening for you and we support you. I am looking out for you and please post again I can be there for you. A hundred Hugs for you RS...you will be ok and you are not alone. x

OMG I feel for you NC...glad you reached out here! Maybe you need to follow your name...and create a new chapter now. I feel sad you have been treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you...I feel for her that she is so bitter and angry she can behave this way. Yeah, I think you have missed a few redflags, reactions like this one don't just come out of the blue...but we all have have missed some in relationships too so you are not on your own in that. But this red flag is pretty hard to ignore. Do you want to be with someone who is so consumed by hate and anger? There is no love in her reaction...for you or for herself and you deserve to be loved and cared about...she has given you neither. She is wrong saying no one else will want you...so so wrong. You may as well stay with her..? Why??? Because she is crap and your relationship doesn't amount to much more than that?? She is right though, your relationship will be crap. Don't stay NC...take some time to heal and love yourself. You are not responsible for her feelings. The biggest hugs to you...I know how heartbroken you will be feeling. Keep posting, you will get heaps of support on here. :-) x

When you squeeze an orange, you'll always get orange juice to come out. What comes out is what's inside. The same logic applies to you: when someone squeezes you, puts pressure on you, or says something unflattering or critical, and out of you comes anger, hatred, bitterness, tension, depression, or anxiety, that is what's inside. If love and joy are what you want to give and receive, change your life by changing what's inside. Wayne Dyer

I love all these posts!!! You are all definitely cool amazing freaking goddesses fully deserving of being loved! Your posts have me smiling...and that toothpaste tough love Kristin is the best!

Rainbow...SW is right (and I am so happy to read your words honey :-) ). I'm sending love your way too. It isn't the end of the world and you are worth too much to do anything like that over a minor skin condition millions of us have. I know you feel awful and guilty and it feels overwhelming. I don't know how your boyfriend is reacting either but again SW is right...and he is responsible for his own feelings, not you. This is an opportunity for him to be caring and vulnerable, if he isn't then H is showing him he needs to work on that area of his life. It is an opportunity for you to love yourself too...think about how you would help someone you love who was feeling like this. Treat yourself the same way... We are here for you...we all know that depth of despair and that it gets better. Awesome people have H...and everyone on here is pretty awesome. Whenever you need support come on here...type like a mental and we will be here for you :-) I'm sending so much love your way too. xx

My heart is going out to you LOTD...it all seems so unfair when stuff like this happens and yeah I can understand you feeling angry and yeah its a phase. It's still early days for you with your body working out what to do with H and I remember it as one of feeling awful and wondering if I would EVER feel 'normal' again. I had back to back OB's for about 6 months - it wasn't fun. I did a alot of crying! What I learned was that I needed to just let go and accept it...the only other choice was to continue to feel angry, anxious and unhealthy. I changed my diet to mostly raw foods, took supplements, bumped up my meditation times, did daily (often hourly) sets of healing affirmations and just forgave...and one day the OB's just stopped. Now I have been symptom free for 6 months and if feels wonderful. I still have H but I don't focus on it most of the time. I am on my own so I do have times where my fears of being along forever creep in but they don't last for long. You love your husband so much and can't imagine life without him...then you have to forgive him. He will be feeling guilty and so bad too...your ongoing anger is blocking the amazing connection you can have with him. Forgiveness is your only option and it is a choice...its practice, and its a gift to yourself. You will find that in practising it your symptoms will reduce sooooo much - anger feeds H like nothing else! With time this WILL get better...hating it just keeps it in the front of your mind and what you think about expands. I know exactly how you are feeling and I have come a long way since those days - H has been a gift in so many ways...especially in learning to forgive and to love. So talk with your husband... without blame, and work together to live well with H. Nurture yourself, eat well, exercise and also rest and forgive.....you have a man you love and who loves you, H can bring you closer together if you let it. Biggest hugs to you and sending lots of healing. x

Well with Crohn's you have to eat well to stay healthy so that is a plus for H. And yes..think positively, it really beats thinking negatively :-) Keep in touch..gotta go as time for work!

HI Judith, welcome :-) Glad you found us! You will find a lot of support on here and if you read through all the messages you will learn so much. A couple of us girls have both HSV and HPV...I have had HPV for 28 years, just had it come back when I got HSV2 a year ago. I am dealing with it pretty well, have mostly great days with a few sad ones that don't last long. If you want to talk about anything just private message me anytime :-) You have a great day too!

Yayaaa! It's awesome and impressive and just bloody fantastic! :-) I had to laugh..I so know about the practicing and not focusing on anything but how to say it right! You will work it out with her and no relationship is 'normal'...so aim for healthy and fulfilling :-)

Hey lovely...not much else you could have done. I think it sounds like you were pretty balanced about it...it's how I have disclosed too. It's this part we are anxious about: will they or won't they? Having been the one to have taken the risk, I chose all of him and knew that he chose all of me...yeah the 'awesomeness and not-so-awesomeness' ;-). When relationships are new, we don't see the challenging parts of a person...telling about herpes brings those parts to the front, and how they deal with it is a good indication of how they might deal with other 'heavy' stuff. Just observe and take it slow. I fell for a guy who I disclosed to who actually had herpes, too, and thought we were perfect. It wasn't until later patterns showed up and I realised weren't healthy for a long term relationship - too late, i was emotionally hooked and it was tough ending it. Hope it goes well :-) x

GO you! haha an H cheerleader huh? Actually it helps me too, you know clarify things and get perspective. I have down times too but I know they will pass and they are just a kick to get practising nurturing myself and working out whey I feel like I do. I have gone through a lot in my life and actively pursued happiness lol..and you are right, its all about forgiveness, Yep sheddings probably the way you got it and there's no point in hunting for the giver. You know you are handling things right when you feel more peaceful...and its about letting shit go and getting on with living :-) Love and light to you.x

Domh this is any awesome post on forgiveness and courage, compassion and empathy/ I totally agree with you and practising forgiveness makes you happier and healthier. I had a lot happen when I was younger that could have made me angry and bitter (I did get angry...just learned how to let it go :-) ). I realised forgiveness is about just this..realising the other person is ignorant and they just don't get it...! And when you choose forgivenss and let it go amazing things can happen. My ex had an affair and I ended up leaving him after a long time of trying to work it out but he couldn't leave me or her. I forgave really quickly, just wanted to move on and figured it can't have been fun for her either and she would have had reasons to choose a married man. Years later she contacted me to apologize and asked meet up...I did and it was the most amazing connection ever, I was right with my intuition and what kind of space she was in at the time. Anyway she was able to forgive herself finally too and it was one of the highlights in my life. So H is a gift...that pushes us to be more courageous and forgiving. Sending you the best hug Domh...great post!!!! :-)