lelani

I'm sending healing and love Sayyywhattt:-)...I'm at home too feeling sorry for myself tonight - for no other reason that I am on my own. But I am not having an episode. They can make you feel so awful, and you just want to be looked after. I had constant episodes for the first 5 months (like one long permanent one!) and being on my own was hard...only I didn't have conflict around me like you are experiencing. Stress can set off episodes and I am glad you are looking at finding somewhere new to live . Just keep imagining you have found a lovely new place and tuck yourself up in bed if you can to rest. Lay on your back and put one hand on your heart and the other on your solar plexus...focus on slow deep breathing and imagine you are breathing in healing and breathing out discomfort...its a powerful thing to do and will help you feel calmer. And know that someone from the other side of the world is sending you healing too. You aren't alone. x

Wow this thread is opening a lot of stuff for me right now...you know, the going around in circle thing and meeting yourself back in places you thought you had moved on from? And the dark humour...fuck I get that and yes I laughed, and understood. I just went to a show that had a punch line about herpes being one of the worst things in life and then....i can't believe this happened only minutes after...one of the main characters picked me out of the whole audience and handed me a business card (properly printed for the audience participative show) that said "Are you single? Need help? Phone.....". I laughed at the time but its kind of caught up with me a couple of days later. Yeah I am and yeah I do! This sadness will pass but right now it sucks...both men I contracted viruses from have wonderful women in their lives now (my H man just told me he's met someone special and my ex husband has just had his long term girlfriend move in and she is awesome) and I am still alone. I am perfectly capable of being independent and love my own space, I have a full and inspiring life etc etc (and I feel thankful for that every day)...it would just be nice to be cherished :-) I have never met either of you yet I get you and your words have opened me up to see more of myself, to express it and share it. Never apologise lovely man...we are in the dark together...and it kind of feels like we get to guide each other through it here. And Kristin I'm going out dancing tonight...standing up that eighth time, puffy eyes and all! Thanks..your quote was perfect for me. Get that puppy...I have my dog and she gets a long morning positive affirmation walk every day (its a wonder she hasn't learned to say them the number of times I repeat them)!!!! The current one is 'I am attracting a loving and fulfilling relationship with a man I respect and adore"...maybe its just stirring stuff up to help me get rid of some more negative stuff before I meet him??? Much love to you both :-) xx

You beat me too it Kristin...and what can I say - include me in that handful of women!!! Yeah Michael I'm glad you are here too and I thought the same as Kristin...what an awesome guy! And I chose to be with someone H+ and he had just had an episode. I didn't care about the scaring (he had a little) at all...I was more interested in making him feel loved and having him know I was the best lover he ever had! I didn't see it as any more than the inconvenience of the cold sores my ex husband got orally. I don't know if the grief of loosing sexual freedom (and I mean being able to fully express yourself freely with a partner without thinking of H or having to use protection) ever goes...I think we learn to manage it. I miss it - sometimes not much and sometimes its painful. I know how you feel about the woman who has just returned. I have a lover who has been in my life for a few years (met him pre H), he travels and we always get together when he is back (both of us are still single). He totally accepts me and doesn't see H as a big deal...but I still do and make sure we shower together afterwards, that I am on medication, that I'm checking for any symptoms and every time we make love I hope that he hasn't contracted it. Using protection has always been a natural part of sex with him but I got it using protection. He's returning next month and this time I'm not sure I can be sexual with him and haven't felt like this before..he's younger than me and wants to find someone to settle down with and have kids (I want that for him too) - that means if he gets H he could pass it on to a partner in the future...unthinkable for me. But you know...I took the risk because my man was worth it. I'm not with him now but we are still good friends. So, I know there are women out there who see past H and you are the kind of man I would take the risk with. Your honesty and emotional responsibilty, your empathy and ability to express yourself...they are more important than a minor skin condition. So yes..be courageous in your actions. Your crush is a lucky girl to have a guy like you longing for her! :-)

I want to have a cup of tea and chocolate with both of you beautiful women!! xx

I think we all have a long way to go...just when we think we have together something pulls us apart to start again - it may not be in the same place but we have to re evaluate and deal with the emotions it brings up. I loved your post too Michael (and Kris hope you are doing hun)..and kristin you have such a way of expressing things - I am crying as I write this. "feeling a loving embrace you can lean into...." and "real wholeness is being fully in my body...". Those sentences are so eloquent and describe exactly how I feel when I am missing being free and open with someone spiritually and sexually...it seems like so long since I had it. With a having HPV all my adult life and now this I am so used to being super aware of my body in relation to being sexual with someone else. It took reading this for me know deep down that I have a long way to go too, even when i think I've come along way. I have got past the no eye contact thing...only I realise I have just taken it a step further and do the 'just friends' routine so I don't have to get too close. It seems easier to live without the worry of passing it on to someone, that affects me more than the challenge of disclosing. Yeah its a journey with all its twists and turns and trip ups...its about getting up and dusting off, keeping going and keeping looking ahead and having faith that you will get there. I'm so glad I found all of you here...you challenge me and inspire me. Thanks :-) x

The biggest hug for you WD...no it isn't easy and yes we lick our wounds and move on but that time between cannot be escaped. Maybe he is thinking...I know I needed to think about it when I was told, only I already had an STD too so the thinking was pretty short! It could be any number of reasons...he may not know how to move forward with this and is needing time to work it out. So many maybe's in that time between aye? If he doesn't want to move forward with you I hope does he makes contact, because whatever the outcome I think we all deserve closure. And if he doesn't, he has done you a favour because it will show how he deals with things and doing a runner isn't a mature or caring way to do it, and not the stuff of a supportive and loving relationship. Unless you howled like a banshee and freaked out while telling him (which I'm pretty sure you didn't :-) ) I don't think it has anything to do with the way you handled it. I love your posts and you are a gorgeous, intelligent and caring woman...don't think of it as the virus winning because you will have won either way this turns out, you just have to get to the point where you know it again. In the meantime I am sending you good thoughts and tons of hugs! x

"Being vulnerable doesn't have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives".

My heart is bursting Marii!!! Go you! I am sooo proud of you! I have been sending you good thoughts and had a feeling it would go this way...from your post I could sense your courage was stronger than your fear, and that you had a good man. You took the risk not knowing the outcome and despite your fear...that is intergrity :-) Now enjoy overcoming the fear and having an even deeper connection with your man :-) Hugest hugs to you.x

Love your blog WD!!! I could relate so much of it! I agree with both of you that doctors need educating. I didn't get anything from mine either...had to push for a test and she said she didnt' think i had it. A phone call diagnosis to tell me I was positive and that was it! no advice, followup NOTHING! I called back crying and asking for advice and was just told to call the National Herpes Foundation. If I was young, inexperienced and lacking confidence I would have been in an even worse emotional state! I'm starting to get more proactive too to help others. :-) Love to you my lovely H mates :-)

OMG fellow LOST addicts on the other side of the world! I'll have to wait another year at least for this show but I'm gonna look out for it now!!! :-)

Oh Kristin I love the 'mental shame ninja'!!!!! I laughed and totally got it. And after dealing with alot of pain over my life I get what you say about that too - it's always a message to look at something that needs addressing or healing emotionally. Awesome blog! x

I had my constant episodes over the summer too - not a good time! Mine overlapped so much it was like one long one for 6 months. I ended up using two affirmations constantly...like ALL the time day and night! "My body is continually healing itself even when i am having an outbreak" and "My body is healed an my viruses are sleeping" - might sound crazy but i couldn't think of anything else to do to stop me being upset and scared that I would have symptoms forever! I still think of them (I have both HSV1 and high risk HPV) as sleeping and thank the universe every day that they are (I found it easy to imagine them tucked away in a dark place lol!). I love the 'up and running and making value of my day' I do the same thing! And yaya for the name change! :-) x

Great big hugs back alone...maybe its time to change your name to Notalone...??? You really aren't and I am glad you know this now. I knew your body would get into the swing of dealing with H...sometimes it takes a while and it seems like it is going on forever! Stay in tune with that stronger you...its always there even in our darkest moments...actually thats when you can make it shine - just look at H as giving you the opportunity to find it and sparkle in spite of it :-) That is true character.. x

Yep your friend is right...he will be wondering. And what a good way to start the conversation...."I know you will have been wondering why we haven't had sex yet...I love what we have and now feel like I can trust you enough to talk to you about something important about me ...(you fill in the rest :-) ) Trust isn't a 50/50 deal. It's not about expecting the other person to react how you want because you have trusted...its about trusting yourself be authentic and letting go of the outcome, knowing whatever it is will be right for you. Sometimes the outcome is exactly what you want, sometimes it isn't. It's harder when you have strong feelings because emotionally there is more at stake and we are afraid of our painful emotions if it doesn't work out how we want. You are at a crossroads with your own fear right now and I think its awesome you have set a time frame - stick with it! Sometimes we have to push ourselves to overcome fear..and if the alternative for both of you is that you will implode...you have nothing to loose! You are giving the gift of honesty and trust and an even deeper connection in telling him. I accepted an H+ man and despite not being with him now and I don't regret it. Good luck and let me know how you get on. Sending you tons of courage and love :-) x

Hi Pcvkak..have been thinking about your post and how to answer it. I was H- and chose to be with an HSV2+ man - we were together for only a few months and I contracted it in that time (it took about 4-6 months after we stopped seeing each other before my first episode). Previously I was with my ex husband for 28 years and he had HSV1 orally..I never got it from him. I'm not sure what you want to know...I have this and HPV and there are things I can do to reduce the transmission of them (diet, lifestyle, body awareness, medication and condoms) to any sexual partners I have. I know I have to have the courage to talk about them if want to have sex with anyone. Yes doing these things reduces the likelihood of someone who has sex with me getting either but that is no guarantee...I haven't fitted the statistics with either type. Not sure where the doctor got the 18-20% from..! The information on here and other Herpes sites are the best places to find accurate up to date information :-)

Hi Domh :-) Glad you found us too :-). You know sometimes I say a silent thankyou for H - it can point us in the right direction in life and I think it has for you right now - away from a man who doesn't have enough integrity to be there for you and to bail out. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love...and there is always a reason for on/off relationships not becoming permanently on. You are right...you don't need him and his love isn't real. How wonderful you have support with your Mum ( I would have done the same as her) and your friends. They are right...you will find love (and with H it has to be real!) and have kids and a wonderful life...its all in how you think :-). I love the title of your post..I think you are moving on with strength and support and any questions you have just fire away. We are all here to help each other and I know when I have needed it the support has been awesome. And as for the ex...in rejecting you sadly he is rejecting himself and anyone doing that is not in the right space for a loving relationship. Thank you for your positive story...it great to hear you have good support. Look after yourself and focus on the good people you have in your life :-) It says a lot about you as a person that you have them around you :-)

Mariah I'm so glad you posted here...I'm sending as many hugs as you have tears. Don' t blame yourself for being young, we all make decisions when we are young that we wish we didn't. Honey it isn't the end of the world even though right now it feels like it is, it really is a minor skin condition that is no more than sometimes uncomfortable and annoying as time passes. I have had it for a year and felt like you do now when I was first diagnosed (I had to tell my adult kids...have to say that was harder that anything I ever had to tell my parents!!) Do you have anyone you can talk to? I know you are scared to tell your parents...but I'm a mother and would always want my kids to come to me if they are so scared and upset. If you can call Adrial then do it because I know you will feel 100 times better if you do. It's a great community here and we all help each other with this...you aren't alone :-) x

I love this conversation too...I also think of it that my body accepted it. I was with a man with HSV1 for 28years and never got it...my body was exposed to it daily and never 'accepted' it. I was with my man who had HSV2 for 3 months and I got it...something in my body caused it to 'accept' this virus at this time. Through thinking about the things everyone has written here I realise I can't think of anything else that could have happened to me for me to grow in areas of my life I wanted to...one was to make deeper connections with men as close platonic friends, without sex getting in the way. The price of H has been worth that...I have made the closest and most amazing connections with men since i was diagnosed. Thanks lively! :-) x

Oh Mariii...I know you really want to tell him, believe me the not telling him will be making you feel worse with guilt than if you come right out and say it. It's actually the perfect time...if you haven't had sex and you are getting hints that make you feel like you want to act on then you do need to say something. Adrial's right, if you don't want to have sex then you don't have to say a thing! But it is good practice...any opportunity that comes along that pushes you to be brave and accepting of yourself is worth acting on. And it's an opportunity for who you share it with to be the same. Have you read the e book on here and other posts about disclosing? There are some wonderful examples of how to talk about it. You haven't got anything to loose, in telling him you are giving him the opportunity to make a deeper connection with you. Lively is right too...grace and confidence only come from doing it and learning the lesson that goes with each disclosure. Yes let us know how you get on :-)

Welcome thisisme...I just want to reassure you it will get easier and all is not lost. I have had this for a year now and have no symptoms anymore, I may have them again but I know how to deal with it now. Your body is trying to work out how to deal with this virus so you may have a while of uncomfortable and annoying symptoms that come and go quite often. I had constant episodes for about 5 months and wondered if it would ever end and then poof! All symptoms disappeared and haven't come back (other that a couple of times I 'thought' I had them but it came to nothing). And I cried and cried too...your physical body is doing a lot of work to heal itself and get on top of H and your emotional 'body' is also doing a lot of work to come to terms with what it means to live with this virus. It's normal and look at it as a release. Do you have someone to talk to about it? Just look after yourself, eat well, rest and for every negative thought reframe it to a positive one (not easy but worth the effort). When I was having constant episodes all I could think us was "My body is continually healing itself even when symptoms are present" - I said it over and over again every day and imagined myself happy and healthy - it was better than my self pity trip! I'm glad you posted...there will be other awesome people on here who will reach out and support you too. So take care and know your body will get on top of it. Big hug. xx

Hi notaquitter....that's an interesting question. I refer to him as my giver...not just giving me H but also that H has given me so much more in terms of my connections with people, changing my thoughts about relationships and understanding myself. It sounds like an illness to me if i refer to it as something I caught and I would rather think healthy thoughts. I don't see it as my personal responsibility that I contracted it even though made a choice about being with someone H+...I see it as something put in my path for personal growth. The things I am learning from having H (I also have HPV which I got from an unfaithful husband) are huge and I see it more that it is my responsibility to learn and grow through dealing with these. We all have different ways of seeing things and I thing questions like this are good to throw out there for us to be aware of our thoughts and their impact on how we deal with things. Thanks for throwing this one out there! :-)

I knew it would go well...when I read your post i imagined it happening just like this. It's all about intention and yours was to feel empowered rather that being fearful of rejection. I am so happy for you!!! Yes you have defeated all those feelings towards your giver. That's what is empowering. It doesn't matter that you aren't serious with him...you have created a moment where you both have the opportunity to connect with integrity and honesty...and its a gift for both of you. You can't have that kind of connection without being vulnerable :-)

Much love back to you all..have been thinking of you and knowing that it will be an amazing time - I can feel all that energy from here (and it's the last stop before the south pole lol)! And Adrial I get the feeling this IS your "work" for the rest of your life ;-). x

Lots of love back FoundOne..I'm having a teeny episode now and you know what - I know the things I need to do and am practicing them..diet, thoughts, rest.... I feel more in control and 'know' it will pass..and really, I have had way worse things in my life happen so I am feeling thankful all I am having is a bit of discomfort and itch and it will pass. It isn't the end of you ;-) x

Thinking of you today and sending you strong good disclosure vibes ;-)