HikingGirl

Hi, @Fran2196. I had so many memories reading your post. I found out I have HSV1 & HSV2 about a year after splitting with my ex-husband of 15 years. I just casually asked for a full STD panel with my Pap smear, thinking nothing of it. I had no sores, and in hindsight, the mild symptoms I rarely had over the years I attributed to yeast infections. It took about two months to get up the courage to tell my ex--via e-mail, actually. At the time, I insisted on text or e-mail communication about our dog because I absolutely could not keep my cool trying to talk to him on the phone or seeing him. His first e-mail back to me was, "Great. Shit." Throughout the evening he continued to send a few more emails, getting progressively nicer while still insisting I couldn't have gotten it from him, but I'll never forget that initial reaction. Ultimately, my ex tested negative. I've said this before on the forums, but I'm still in shock. Because that means we had unprotected sex with no antivirals for 16 years and he never got it. Initially, it drove me nuts not to know who gave it to me. I had a handful of partners before him, all fairly short-term in nature, and I wasn't in contact with any of them because it had literally been 20+ years. And at the same time I was totally pissed that my ex didn't get it. *I* get it from short-term relationships always using condoms, and he doesn't get it. Unbelieveable. Occasionally I'll have a bad day and be really resentful of my "bad luck." Then I remind myself that I can't go back. I can only go forward. Even with all of the uncertainty that entails. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could take that perspective. This is all so new for you and so many emotions and feelings result from a herpes diagnosis. Be kind to yourself. And regardless of what happens with Mr. Tinder, know that you absolutely deserve love and acceptance regardless of herpes. {hugs}

Good to know, @Katidid! I was at the doctor's recently for something else and asked her for an acyclovir prescription. It's only been about a week since I've been on it, so I'm just paying attention for now. I've felt a few tingles here and there, but nothing like the Valtrex. It's comforting to hear others have experienced something similar and to know I wasn't losing my mind. :-)

Welcome, @AllenC1981. I'm sorry you had this experience. I wish I could offer positive stories from first-hand experience as an antidote here, but I have not yet re-entered the dating world since my own divorce. However, you *definitely* deserve better than this guy. "Rejection is God's protection" definitely comes to mind!

@nikirae @adrial A physician's assistant once told me that even if I'm with a partner who also has HSV2, there are different strains of the same virus (just like there's different strains of the flu virus) and if we had different strains, it was possible I could get the strain he has and then get different (better or worse) outbreaks than I do now. I wonder if that's what your doctor was trying to say to you. I posed this question to Terri Warren, an expert on herpes, via e-mail when I was getting the Western Blot test from her (now closed) clinic. Terri wrote back to me and said, "While it is conceptually true, experts agree that there is no clinical implication to this theory and we do not discourage this kind of contact nor do we suggest that you be careful about transmission with someone who has your same type (1 or 2)." Hope that helps to clear the confusion and put your mind at ease. Like Adrial said, I definitely wouldn't worry about getting "more of the virus" from your boyfriend. Outbreaks can change over time anyway, with or without additional exposure.

It must be beyond frustrating to get unclear and conflicting answers. I would sit down with the doctor and (a) ask for the index values (a numerical number) for the IGG tests, and (b) ask for clarification as to why you're getting both negative and positive results. I'm sorry you're going through this.

As someone who is no stranger to yeast infections and had a whopper of a UTI last year, my heart goes out to you! You've been through a rough few weeks! Herpes aside, are yeast infections and UTIs a recurring problem for you? Also, what you were referring to regarding the safest method?

@cier, have you told anyone else? If not, you might get the same sense of relief by telling a trusted friend or a counselor.

The nurse practictioner who gave me my diagnosis a year ago said this to me when I started to cry, "Oh honey, don't worry.....all this means is if you have an outbreak, you use a condom. That's all." Needless to say, I'm never going back to see her. I spent a long time beating myself up for getting herpes. Eventually, I decided to forgive myself. But even now I still occasionally remind myself, "You didn't know. When you got tested before getting married, there was no good test for herpes and even today many doctors don't test for it. You didn't know that it was possible to get herpes even if you used a condom every single time you had sex. You didn't know that one of your partners had herpes--hell, he may not have known himself. You didn't know. You didn't know. You didn't know." Now that I know, I'll make better decisions. But I didn't know and I can't change that. {hugs to you}

Sounds like you've definitely done your part to try and educate him. I'm a big over thinker myself, so maybe I'm not the best person to reply to your post. :-) Perhaps the doctor's suggestion that you stop antivirals could be a good opportunity to discuss further (e.g. "The doctor says.....and I was wondering how you feel about how this changes transmission rates....").

I loved reading your post, @tnicole. You're going to be a wonderful example to an resource for the women you interact with--both in your career and your personal life. Kudos!

There's definitely no need to tell them if you don't want to. There's not a chance in hell I'm telling anyone in my family--way too much judgement.

@Ava_, you're definitely not alone. I think most all of us here found it difficult to practice self-love after the diagnosis. I was also asymptomatic--until the diagnosis that is. The stress of it all has given me regular outbreaks in the past year that are just now starting to calm down. It's up to your ex whether he gets tested or not, but for what it's worth, my ex-husband and I had unprotected sex for 16 years and he never got it (I didn't know I had it until after the divorce). In my opinion, you can't change someone else's mind. Not about herpes, not about anything really. All any of us can hope for is that the person we date likes us enough and is interested in us enough to look past herpes *or any number of other imperfections we all have*. One thing that having herpes has taught me is to be more understanding of other people's imperfections. But ultimately, some things will still be a deal breaker and that's all due to my attitudes, my experiences and my needs for a relationship. Whenever I stop and realize how many things are completely outside of my control, it's still painful. I wish you strength to get through the part that you can control (the disclosure) and the peace to know that no matter what happens, you're still worthy of love.

I agree with optimist, and would add that this experience is giving you an excellent opportunity to brush up on your knowledge of STIs. :)

Did your doctor say why he/she thought you should stop taking antivirals? It was my understanding that they're safe to use long-term for most people. I can understand that you dont want to question and pressure your boyfriend. I do think it's really important that he understand there will always be a risk of transmission, no matter what, and that risk increases without the use of condoms and you potentially going off antivirals. His comment makes me think he's not crystal clear about transmission rates.

Be gentle with yourself. Right after the diagnosis is a pretty emotional time. Everyone's experience wil be different, but I'd break down crying--anywhere, really--at random times for several months afterward. Some days I'd feel almost normal, and other days I'd think about herpes from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. I also told a friend early on and got the look of pity. I haven't discussed it with her since. Going back to the counselor I saw while going through my divorce helped more than anything. {hugs}

Welcome, rst2. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now. I couldn't tell from your post if you and your wife were both aware you had herpes. What is it you feel like you should have been doing differently?

I also tested for STIs last year after a divorce and was certain I was "clean." Like you, I was shocked to find out I have HSV2 (and HSV1, for that matter). My ex-husband of 15 years tested negative, so now I know I acquired herpes around 20 years ago. So yes, it's definitely possible to have herpes and have no symptoms, or have very mild symtoms you attribute to something else. It's also possible that symptoms could appear in the future. The stressors I faced in 2016 led me to start having regular outbreaks, including my very first actual raised sore less than two months ago. I secretly hoped I would remain asymptomatic or have really mild outbreaks, but now I know that there are no guarantees. I have not re-entered the dating world since my divorce, so I can't comment on the how-to's of a disclosure. But when I think about question of whether or not to disclose, I always come back to this: I wish the person who gave me herpes gave me a choice. I have no idea who it was, and it's possible they didn't know themselves. But I simply could not sleep at night knowing I have herpes and withholding that information and choice from someone I cared about enough to have sex with.

Welcome, @Copo. I was diagnosed with HSV1 & HSV2 11 months ago and I remember having the feelings you describe like it was yesterday. Fortunately, the stigma around herpes is far worse than the reality. The reality, for me today, is that I have an annoying skin condition, but it doesn't stop me from doing any of the things I want to do. (I'll be the first to admit I'm not yet back in the dating arena because I've been healing from a divorce and focusing on me.) Expect to have a rollercoaster of emotions for a while (including the stages of grief), and know that it's totally normal. Those first couple of months I read everything I could on herpes. Adrial has a lot of great information here at H Opp and I also highly recommend Terri Warren's book, which you can get as a Kindle version on Amazon. Getting educated with the facts on herpes really helped to remove some of the hysteria I felt. When I found this website, I saw no chance of ever seeing my own herpes diagnosis as an opportunity for anything except pain and rejection. But now, my perspective on damn near everything looks different than it did 11 months ago. What exactly that opportunity is will look different for everyone, but I wish you comfort and peace in your own journey.

Thanks for sharing your success story! For those of us who haven't gotten back in to dating yet, it's so reassuring to hear stories like yours.

Welcome, Jeff! I acquired HSV2 at least two decades ago, but didn't get the diagnosis until last year. I eat almonds all the time and haven't noticed any adverse effects.

This isn't directly related to herpes, but I thought it might offer someone some inspiration as it has for me. A few years ago, I came across the idea of selecting a one word theme for the upcoming year (instead of making a bunch of resolutions). In December 2014, it was obvious my ex and I were on the brink of divorce (the nail in that coffin came on January 2nd). I chose the word "Forward" to represent that no matter what happened--whether we stayed together or I found myself on my own, and no matter how bumpy either path would be, I would do my best to move forward. I can't even tell you how helpful that was. I put it on my bathroom mirror, a friend of mine painted the word on a rock, I made myself a poster, and even bought a necklace with an arrow on it that I still wear every day. For 2016, I chose "Choice." I didn't know why exactly I chose the word--it just seemed right. Little did I know that a month into the new year I'd find out I have genital herpes. That word stared me in the mirror every day as I found myself a little pissed off knowing that I really did have a choice as to how I would react to this bombshell. Some days, it was a reminder about whether I wanted to live or die. It was a constant reminder that no matter how much of life was beyond my control, there was still a lot within my control. This word didn't necessarily bring me a lot of peace. More like it was just a daily kick in the pants about the choices I was constantly faced with. In 2017, my one word will be "Connection." I severely neglected friendships during my 15 year marriage. The trifecta of divorce, being dumped by a new beau not long after my diagnosis, and learning to work through the shame associated with herpes has left me acutely aware of how much I've been shying away from connection at a time when I need it most. I'm definitely ready to change that. Since the new year is just around the corner, I thought this might be helpful to someone else. I'd love to hear your word if you choose to share!

@Franca1 Welome to the forums. I hope you'll find them as helpful as I have. You're diagnosis is so new. It's completely normal to feel depressed. I bounced around the five stages of grief for several months. I got a new boss just a month before my diagnosis and he must have thought I was nuts because I was an emotional rollercoaster. I had planned to go back to work after my diagnosis one afternoon, and had to call him crying and ask to go home because I had bad news at the doctor's office. It was so embarrassing. He probably thought I had cancer!! LOL. Please give yourself permission to grieve. Grief was really scary for me because I felt like it would never end and I didn't want to enter a never-ending nightmare, but feeling everything associated with grief really helped me to move forward. (FWIW, after I divorced, the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Peter McWilliams was a godsend. I picked it up again after my diagnosis nearly a year ago and was pleasantly surprised by how well it applied to any situation involving grief. Anything by Brene Brown--a shame researcher and professor of social work--is also wonderful.) To echo what others have said, now is the time to learn everything you can about herpes. Terri Warren's book is available in the Kindle version and was very helpful for me. Nothing eats you alive quite like the "what ifs" and not knowing. Likewise, second-guessing past decisions will make you crazy. Everyone you ever meet would like to go back in time and do a few things differently. Learning from past choices and moving forward anyway is one of the bravest things we will ever do. If you have anyone in your life you can share this with, when you're ready, it really helps to ease the burden and the shame. For me, that meant a therapist. I told one friend and she wasn't judgmental, but she just wasn't able to offer me the support I needed either. Even so, I still felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted. All of the work you've done to get yourself to where you are today is definitely not for nothing. It's what's going to give you the strength to turn this newest setback into yet another strength. Not today, and probably not tomorrow, but it's coming. The fourth sentence in your post is the clue. You've done it before and you'll do it again. But for now, have a good cry. {Hugs} to you.

@NeedHope_ Unfortunately, there's no way to prevent transmission entirely. I grew up hearing that condoms protected against STDs and I got herpes during an encounter that involved a condom. Most people who have herpes don't know they have it, and most doctors don't test for it. I'd be willing to bet many of us here knew very little about herpes before we got it. We just didn't know and we can't go back to change that. Staying with your ex was never a guarantee of having an STD-free life. Sometimes I think about how if I had never divorced, then I wouldn't know I have herpes and could be blissfully ignorant right now. (Btw, I acquired it before I met my ex and we had unprotected sex for our 16 years together and he never got herpes.) But my ex asked for the divorce and that was beyond my control. It also would have been beyond my control if he had cheated on me and had been the one to give me herpes. It sucks to think about how much of our lives are beyond our control. And we all know what it's like to wish we had done things in our past differently. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. It helped me to give myself permission to grieve. And I grieved like hell for nearly 7 months before I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. {hugs to you}

@hippyherpy I'm definitely not an expert, just recalling from memory some stats I read in Terri Warren's book. I went back to the source, and she states "two to five times." She also added this applies to those with HSV2 (not genital HSV1). It's definitely not my intent to spread misinformation. I'm not one to live in a bubble to avoid risks entirely, but acquiring herpes has just made me acutely aware that I can't eliminate risk and sometimes the odds are not in my favor. :-( @Tyedye99 I highly recommend reading Terri Warren's book (available in the Kindle version on Amazon) for a much better description of how having HSV2 makes one more susceptible to acquiring HIV. In a nutshell, when the HSV2 virus "sheds" from your body (whether you notice it as an outbreak or it's asymptomatic), it creates microscopic tears in your skin. This makes it easier for HIV to enter your body. Also, when the herpes virus is active, your body sends a certain type of immune cell to the genitals to, as Warren puts it, "defend against the herpes outbreak or shedding. Unfortunately, it jut so happens that CD4 T cells are the very ones HIV prefers to infect. .... If HIV is present and you add in the friction of sexual activity to the whole picture, you can see why T cells can be far more easily infected with HIV when you have HSV 2." Please don't beat yourself up about wanting to feel "wanted and desired." It's not pathetic. We all want that! Do you have access to a counselor? Therapy isn't for everyone, but I found it really helpful to talk to one and I learned a lot about myself.

It's definitely possible. I found out I have HSV1 and HSV2 about a year after my divorce. I told my ex and he tested negative, so I've had it for over 20 years and didn't know it. We were together for 16 years and didn't use condoms, and he never got it. To this day, I'm still blown away by that.