HikingGirl

@MM552 I'm able to exercise just fine while having an outbreak (running, yoga, pilates, weightlifting and hiking), because my outbreaks are mild. As @optimist said, everyone is different, and things may change over time. If you can change your perspective about "messing her up a little bit" I think it would help. You rarely hear people agonize over passing along oral herpes (cold sores) because, as you've experienced, they are mostly accepted as just a normal part of being human and not tied to being damaged in some way. I'd highlight, bold and underline this a million times if I could!! @optimist did a great job of summarizing what I was trying to get at earlier. It's normal for you to feel bad, and to express regret. Your reaction is especially normal since this is a brand new diagnosis for both of you. As you learn more about herpes, and eventually forgive yourself and accept what has happened, it will improve the way both of you view the virus. Because aside from the (sometimes) physical pain and discomfort of outbreaks, it's the (mis)perception that those of us with herpes are "damaged" that is the most painful of all.

Hi, @MM552. Welcome! Yes, outbreaks typically improve with time. I always had mild outbreaks which I attributed to yeast infections or rough sex (I had no idea I had herpes for 20+ years and just got the diagnosis a year ago), nor do I remember ever getting an initial outbreak, so I don't have much personal experience with how time has changed things. In hindsight, my experience with herpes was a lot like yours. Yes, a lot of people really get back to normal. Really. :-) How people deal with the initial diagnosis is going to vary widely. For some, it's a blip on the radar. For others, there's a much bigger impact. Ultimately, herpes is an annoying skin condition with an undeserved bad reputation. The more that both of you learn about it, the more you'll realize how common it is. My personal thoughts on how you can help--just my own humble opinions: First, give her room to experience whatever she's experiencing. It might be anger, grief, shock, sadness, or all of it all at once. Don't try to fix it. Just continue to express how much you love her and be patient if she needs to experience some negative emotions as part of the healing process. On the flip side, try not to treat her like fragile glass either, expecting things to bottom out. She may have a relatively easy adjustment. When I feel broken, I want others to believe in me and believe that I am strong and capable of whatever I'm facing. It helps me to believe it myself. Second, don't forget about YOU! I get that our society--heck, even our loved ones sometimes--don't really give men permission to be anything other than strong and totally together. Learning to forgive yourself and love yourself is a huge thing that would absolutely benefit your wife. You're not a d'bag. You're human. You didn't know. I'm about your age and had sex ed too---no one mentioned that herpes can be without symptoms or really mild symptoms and that condoms dont guarantee you won't get it. You didn't know. Forgive yourself and move forward. That's all any of us can do. {{hugs}}

I just can't imagine life without intimacy, passion and sex. Hi @Tiredofshame. I'm sorry you're going through this--it sounds very frustrating and painful. The above statement really jumped out at me when I read your post because it describes where you're at right now with this man. Intimacy is impossible without communication, you're already feeling resentment toward him, and he has stated his unwillingness to have intercourse in the future. Have you thought about the possibility of taking a "time-out" from dating and focusing on you? I don't know you at all, but a number of statements in your post (including...."didn't particularly click with but desperate for acceptance"....) triggered within me something I've been dealing with myself. I was also married a long time (15 years)--most of that time there was a serious lack of true love and a poopload of resentment. He was also sometimes emotionally abusive. I admire your courage for leaving your ex. My biggest regret is that I didn't have the guts to leave. My ex had to "cut the cord" because I couldn't. Several months after the divorce became final, I started seeing someone long distance and later found out I had herpes because I asked for an STD test with a Pap smear. That relationship quickly went cold and I entered a very dark time in my life. Shame sucks the life out of you and it's miserable. I realized late last year that I had been getting all of my validation from other people. So even though I'm now doing much better and am curious about dating again, I'm intentionally holding off because I've decided I need to learn to be happy as a single person first. It's a pretty scary place to be, because my previous sources of validation (ex-husband, former boss) are no longer in my life, I don't have kids, I neglected female friendships while married and am now having to start all over in that respect, and am not close with most of my family. But I'm willing to keep rebuilding my life as a single person because I believe I will make a better future partner if I'm not dependent on someone else for my self-worth or my happiness. This is a totally new concept for me at age 43, but it really resonates with me, so I'm giving it everything I've got. Anyway, your experience may be totally different. I just felt compelled to share what I experienced. I wish you peace and strength for whichever direction your current situation goes.

On the subject of antivirals, she might try a different one. I was on Valtrex for six months. While I didn't notice any hair loss, I seemed to have constant prodrome symptoms and it drove me nuts so I went off of it. I've been on acyclovir now for a month and have felt much better. I believe there's also a third medication (famvir?) although I don't have personal experience with it. If she could tolerate a different antiviral, the chances of transmission would remain roughly the same if you stopped using condoms (no antivirals and condoms vs antivirals and no condoms).

If she takes antivirals daily, it reduces transmission rates by half. She has to be on the antivirals for about 5 days to get the full effects of reducing transmission. I'm not sure there's a clear answer about when to have sex after an outbreak. At least not that I've read or heard of. Definitely not before the symptoms have completely cleared.

I found out I have HSV2 after my divorce. My ex chose to be tested and he tested negative. So that meant I've had it for about 20 years and had no idea. My ex and I had sex for 16 years with no condoms and no antivirals. It still blows my mind he didn't get it. In hindsight, I had mild outbreaks I attributed to yeast infections so I was unknowingly avoiding sex during those times anyway. My experience may or may not be typical, but it just goes to show that while transmission is possible, it's not a given.

Hi, @coffeeluv215, and welcome. I was diagnosed a year ago with HSV1 and HSV2. Life has just thrown you a curve ball, so please be kind to yourself. The sadness, confusion, fear, anger will not last forever. But for right now, give yourself permission to feel whatever is coming up for you and expect to experience some or all of the five stages of grief. This site is an amazing resource to get you started. I found Adrial's videos really comforting. The getting started fact sheets will give you the very basic facts and will be helpful for your partner. For detailed facts on herpes, I really loved Terri Warren's book, available on Amazon as a Kindle book. Even though she's a nurse practitioner, it was very easy to understand and she covered every question I had when I was first diagnosed. I think you'll also find the forums helpful. You can pretty much guarantee that whatever you're currently feeling, have felt or will feel.....someone else has felt the same way! Or they've had a similar situation or question. There's so much knowledge and acceptance here. My outbreaks happen to be fairly mild--I find diluted tea tree oil helpful for itching. I'm sure others will have other suggestions for pain relief and discomfort. You happen to have a virus which affects the skin of your genitals. Millions of people have it--just like you. Most just don't know it, and that feeds the stigma. You are a whole person and you are worthy of love. The very fact that you are brave enough to reach out to others on the day of your diagnosis tells me that you are a very strong person. {{hugs}}

For 20 years I was clueless about having herpes because it felt so much like a yeast infection! For me, a yeast infection usually includes the tell-tale white "cottage cheese" discharge. Even if my panties are clean--forgive me for being so blunt--put a clean finger into your vagina and see if any discharge is on it when it's removed. Ever since my diagnosis, I've noticed a strong tendency to get mild yeast infections AND herpes outbreaks around the same time. I'm convinced there's a hormonal element to both!

The point is, let yourself experience whatever you need to experience. That’s healthy. If you push away what is, you stuff it down. And it’s bound to squeeze out the edges when you’re least expecting it. With all this being said, keep an eye on how your thoughts are creating the feelings you are feeling. You have a choice over what kind of thoughts you are thinking. Feelings and emotions don’t just arbitrarily come like clouds in the sky; they come because of the thoughts we are choosing to think. Sometimes the thoughts are conscious (we choose to think them) while at other times, our thoughts are more on the unconscious or subconscious level. This is why developing a mindfulness practice and self-awareness practice is key to healing fully. And this isn’t just about H; developing this kind of mindfulness will allow you to be less and less impacted by anything in your life that might have derailed you before. This reminds me of the mindfulness technique of RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate and nurture/non-identification. I am a freaking pro at letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me, and in the past year, RAIN has saved my sanity at least a few times a week. Many times, even just naming the emotion(s) I'm experiencing makes me feel better. It sounds hokey--I know--but it's been really, really helpful for me. Even for upsetting times that have nothing to do with herpes.

@optimist I love them all, but the book I'm reading as part of the workshop, "I Thought it Was Just Me (But it Isn't)" is especially applicable to the shame most of us have felt with the stigma of herpes. I listened to it on Audible last summer while on an airplane ride, and reading the paperback now in the context of the workshop, it feels like entirely new material. It's very helpful to put words to shame and to see it from a different perspective. We're just now digging into the four areas of developing shame resilience and I'm really curious to learn more. I will definitely check out "Training in Compassion." I love to read. Maybe we need to start a book thread! And I love Pema Chodron. "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" sits on my night stand and I've referred to it countless times over the past year, along with "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer.

Last week I had the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. When I first found these forums, I really enjoyed hearing from people who had known about their status for a while, so I've decided to share what the past year has been like for me. Sorry it's so long....I guess a part of me feels like I just need to tell the story. The Diagnosis About a year after splitting with my ex-husband, I had unexpectedly started a long-distance relationship and decided to ask for an STD panel along with my Pap smear. I had no concerns whatsoever since I wasn't aware of any symptoms of anything, believed my ex to be faithful, and had been tested before getting married. Life was good and I felt on top of the world. I was 42. I started to cry when the nurse practitioner told me I had HSV1 and HSV2. I was still crying when I had to call my brand new boss of two months and explain I couldn't come back to work because I had some bad news at the doctor's office. I spent the afternoon bawling my eyes out, curled in the fetal position on the floor of the kitchen. And again the next day when I had to take a personal day from work. The Fallout I cried for months. At home, at work, in the car, at the store, while hugging my dog. For seven months, herpes was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning, and the last thing I thought about before going to bed. And most moments inbetween! My friends kept asking what was wrong. My boss kept asking if everything was okay. I couldn't tell anyone and the isolation of it all was excruciating. The relationship with Mr. Long-Distance fizzled. I felt unworthy even just talking to total strangers. I wanted to be dead. I researched how to commit suicide. The only thing that kept me alive was knowing that I couldn't abandon my 14 year-old golden retriever. Never mind my mother or my eight siblings. It was my sickly dog who depended on me and had no one else to care for him. I had a low IgG index value, so I retested with the western blot. When that came back positive, I chose to tell my ex by e-mail. I braced myself for his response, which was, "Great. Shit." Miraculously, he tested negative for both HSV1 and HSV2. Sixteeen years of no condoms or antivirals and he doesn't get it. I'm still in shock. And a little pissed. I don't know who I got it from, nor has it ever really mattered. I'd almost rather not know. It just meant that I know now I've had HSV for about 18-25 years and had no idea. Since I was stuck--didn't want to abandon my dog and didn't see any hope for the future--I did all the reading I could about herpes, and passed the time with exercise, journaling and reading self-help books, but totally closed myself off to human connection. When I finally got the courage to tell a friend, she reacted with shock and tried to make me feel better with a round of "at least you don't have......". The Turning Point At seven months post-diagnosis, I broke down and went back to my $170/hour post-divorce therapist, even though my dog's medical expenses were eating me alive. She asked if she could give me EMDR therapy. I had just read the Humans of New York's series on veterans and PTSD at the time, so I knew what EMDR was, but didn't think it would be applicable to me. But I was miserable, so I agreed. After just one session, I came back the following week and said, "I actually felt quite a bit better this past week, even though absolutely nothing has changed and I still have herpes. Is that normal?" She smiled and said she was very skeptical herself, but once she saw how much it helped her clients, she felt like she was doing them a disservice if she didn't offer it. As a result of that session, I immediately started making connections to how my herpes diagnosis had a lot of really surprising similarities to a brief period of sexual abuse I experienced when I was seven. (In terms of how I felt about both experiences and how I viewed them through the lens of my very religious upbringing.) I realized how profoundly my early childhood beliefs about perfection and judgment influenced me without even being aware of it. I had two more sessions of just talking and processing what had come out of the first session, then ran out of things to say. It was the weirdest thing. It was like a drain had been unclogged, mentally and emotionally. The Healing Journey I'm not even sure how to describe the past five months except to say I've never experienced such an intense period of personal growth. I started to to consider that I just might be okay. I participated in several of the support group phone calls that Adrial posted. To anyone else who was on the line--thank you. I underestimated how much just hearing the voice of another person "like me" would help me to realize I'm truly not alone. I had a huge realization that I had unknowingly been very dependent upon other people for validation, and when those sources of validation dried up (divorce, former wonderful boss who moved away, Mr. Long-Distance), I had nothing to draw from within myself. I'm changing that. I've started to take much better care of myself--eating better, lots of exercise, more sleep, meditating, exploring my interests, and making sure I'm taking the time to "fill my tank". I am paying close attention to my body and what outbreaks look like for me (mild enough I attributed them to other things). I'm making connections with others and re-entering the social world of humans a top priority. Six weeks ago I started attending a ten-week workshop about shame resilience created by social worker, professor and shame researcher Brene Brown. I had read several of her books over the past year, and I couldn't believe my luck in finding a workshop about shame. It's been kind of like a small class and group therapy all in one. It's been WONDERFUL. By week two, I thought to myself, "Wait a minute. If *everyone* feels shame about *something*, then WHY THE F*%@& am I walking around with my head hanging low and my tail between my legs??" So I'm changing that too, and I've felt profoundly different as a result. The Future I am so hopeful for my future. I feel like a new woman, really. I feel better about myself now--even with the knowledge that I have herpes--than I have at any other time in my life. I haven't re-entered the dating world. I'm actually really enjoying being single right now and figuring out the things I wish I had known before I got married at 26. When I do decide to date, I will know my value and hold my head high. For that alone, I am grateful for herpes. No person, no experience, no diagnosis will ever take that away from me again. To everyone who is suffocating from the grief, shock, anger, isolation, and shame: you are not alone and you are not broken. {hugs}

Thanks for sharing this! Hearing "not everyone will reject you" means a lot more when you can hear a brief description of how things went with the disclosure. It just seems more real and more believable somehow. :-) You give me hope as well!

You can also have oral HSV1 without ever having a cold sore. I have both HSV1 & HSV2 and I've never had a cold sore in my life (I'm 43).

How people experience outbreaks (severity and frequency) seems to vary widely. Generally speaking, the trend appears to be that outbreaks are milder and less frequent as time goes on. There's just no hard and fast rule. I've had the virus for at least 20 years and I still have outbreaks, although they are pretty mild and appear to be triggered by stress more than anything.

Yes, acyclovir works for suppressive therapy like Valtrex. Taking antivirals cuts the transmission rate in half. As does using condoms. As surfsup mentioned, knowing which type of HSV you have (1 or 2) will help answer your other questions.

Wow. Just....wow. I'm having another flashback to my post-divorce therapy days, when I asked my therapist how to avoid getting involved with men like my ex in the future. She said, "Notice how they react when they find out you're not perfect." Amen to that! {{{hugs and wine and chocolate!}}}

Hi, @IwillneverforgiveMe. Have you thought about maybe just printing your post and reading it to her? We all make mistakes. I know I was really mad at myself for a long time for "not knowing better." In the end, I had to tell myself about 10,000,000 times: "K, you didn't know. You didn't know. You didn't know. If you did know, you would have done things differently. But you didn't know. All you can do is get really educated now and make the best decisions you can in the future. You can't change the past, and beating yourself up for eternity is not going to help your future. You did the best you could with the information you had. Now that you know more, you'll make better decisions in the future." What you can do is be honest with her, explain where you're coming from, apologize, and offer her your love and emotional support. If she never wants to see you again, then that's her decision. You can't do anything about it. Just like you can't help her cope if she doesn't want to be a part of your life anymore--none of which you know until you have a conversation with her. She might surprise you. Getting a herpes diagnosis can be a helluva bombshell for many people. Give her some space if she reacts strongly--herpes plus a broken trust is going to be a double whammy. Not only that, but she has a lifetime of previous experiences and beliefs--all of which have nothing to do with you--which will influence her reaction and you have no control over. What you do have control over is you--how you tell her, how you support her afterward if she wants the support, and how you react and move forward if she walks. Personally speaking, offering her money at this point feels really....I'm not sure of the right words to use.....not good. Maybe some women would be thrilled, and take the money and run. I would be really hurt and insulted at the insinuation that someone can buy my forgiveness or good will with money. I wouldn't want your money. I would want your love and to be able to trust you. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I certainly don't mean it that way. Just offering another perspective. We're all doing the best we can. I hope you'll find a way to extend some of that compassion to your own self. {hugs}

There's a saying that I love which I think fits here: "Trying to understand other people is like trying to smell the number nine." It's not possible and we'll just drive ourselves crazy by trying. You mentioned earlier that you two were on the fence for awhile after your diagnosis, and that he eventually said it was a deal breaker. I hear that he has been saying how wonderful you are, both before and after the break up. But he still decided to end the relationship. Like you, I would also be wondering, WTH??? It seems like such a contradiction, and it FEELS like a contradiction, but he still ended the relationship. Anyone in your place would be feeling really hurt for being dismissed because of a virus. It's HIS loss. If you were my sister, I'd say cut all contact with him and focus your time and energies elsewhere--either to yourself, or a new partner who will accept you, imperfections and all.

Hi, @D_love, and welcome. Sadly, a herpes diagnosis often is really isolating. I know it was for me. I'm only a year post-diagnosis and it still blows my mind how many people have this virus and how few people talk about it because of the stigma it carries. I'm glad you reached out on these forums, because you are most definitely not alone. I believe what you've described is totally normal. It's normal and healthy to feel sad right now. Just thee days ago, you were told you have herpes (and if you're like me, you may not know much of anything about it), you are experiencing physical pain as a result of the outbreak, your boyfriend is upset, and you don't have a support network to reach out to. It's okay to be depressed and to cry. Not for forever, of course, but we're not there yet. :-) It's the people who totally repress any negative emotion that I worry about! If you don't have friends or family members you trust to reach out to (I didn't for quite a while), talking to a counselor can really help. As will reading through these forums and hearing the stories of others who have been where you are now. This is also a great time to get really educated about herpes (and this site is a great start), so you have some facts to help balance the negative thoughts running rampant in your mind. Your boyfriend may need some time and space to process his own emotions. They say anger is just a mask for another emotion, and he's likely feeling some fear and sadness over the possibility that he has herpes himself, the shame of the stigma, and the sheer panic that's usually present when we don't have the facts on an issue. Be kind to yourself in as many ways as is possible. You need and deserve some self-compassion right now. {{hugs}}

I'm really afraid of passing the virus to someone too. I think most of us here have or have had that fear. Since your ex knows you have herpes, it's his responsibility to use condoms and ask about your medication usage if he's concerned about contracting it. I, too, am still trying to figure out exactly what outbreaks look like for me. In my case, I know I contracted herpes at least 20 years ago, but just got the diagnosis a year ago. Until then, I had absolutely no idea. So I'm constantly questioning what is going on with my body. It can be maddening!

Hi, @Rayofsunshine. It's posts like these that make me wish I could offer hugs in person! I can hear how upset, sad, and utterly frustrated you are that herpes is a deal-breaker for him. Reading your post, I was having flashbacks to the first counseling session I had post-divorce. I really connected with the marriage counselor my ex and I used, so I continued to see her individually. She said, "K, he was really very critical of you." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I never would have described him like that. I would have said he had a bad temper and definite anger issues. But when he was happy....man oh man, he thought I was the most wonderful woman the world has ever known and he was the luckiest guy to be my husband. The point of this is that we all have different lenses through which we see the world, and these lenses are created by all of the experiences and beliefs we've ever had. Unfortunately, we can't change how other people see the world, or how they see us. We'll never really know 100% why someone acts as they do or says what they say. Heck, most of us aren't really conscious of why we do and say things, so we couldn't explain them to others even if they asked. You can give this man access to quality information about herpes and that's the extent of your control over the situation. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish for you a future relationship where YOU are more important to him than herpes. You deserve nothing less. {hugs}

Hi, @lulu_123, Statistically, the chances are small, but it is possible. If a man has HSV2 and does not take antivirals or use condoms, the chances of a woman getting it is 10% per year (assuming sex twice a week). Assuming you don't already have HSV2 (I've had it for at least 20 years and had absolutely no idea until I tested positive for it last year), it's highly unlikely it would show up if you took a test just three days from now. The blood test (the good one--IgG) tests for the antibodies your body creates in response to the herpes virus. It takes some time for your body to create those antibodies, or at least enough of them to show up on a test. If you're not having visible or painful sores, I would wait about four months and then test. By then, your chances of having a false negative on the test is very small. Our minds do pretty crazy things when we're stressed, and the random sensations all of your body are probably in response to that stress. Going forward, it sounds like this experience is a great opportunity to learn more about herpes and how it is transmitted because it's likely you'll encounter this in the future. The virus can still be transmitted even if the person is not having an outbreak. It's called asymptomatic shedding, and you cannot tell when it's happening. Also, the virus can be transmitted even if you don't have intercourse. It lives in a group of nerves at the base of the spine, so when it exits the body (either through a visible outbreak or asymptomatic shedding), it can leave the body anywhere in the entire boxer shorts region. That's why using condoms does not completely prevent transmission. When my ex-husband tested negative for herpes, that's how I knew I picked it up many years ago. I used condoms with every single relationship prior to my ex-husband, so I'm pretty confident transmission occurred from skin-to-skin genital contact. I know you're scared and I wish I could give you the reassurance you're seeking. I hope this helps you going forward. {hugs}

I had my tubes tied two months after diagnosis (although I know now I've had herpes for at least 20 years). There was absolutely no complications for the surgery and the surgery didn't affect my herpes at all.

*How long does Valtrex take to become effective in your system for suppressive therapy? (I took 2 500mg pills a couple hours before intercourse. We were broken up so I stopped taking them and when he asked to come over I took them just because I knew we would have sex I did not plan on unprotected sex we had a few drinks.) I don't have an answer to your first question, but it's my understanding that you need to take Valtrex for five days in order to get the full benefit of reducing transmission. I think it'd be very difficult to put a statistic on what a few hours would do. Does your ex know you have herpes?

I believe you can still get a western blot without going through Westover Heights. There are instructions on UW's site, it's just really confusing. With a competent doctor and lab tech, it should still be possible. Just not as easy. :-(