HikingGirl

Same here. I have HSV1 and have never had a cold sore. I also have HSV2, and my symptoms are very mild. Mostly some itching and occasional redness that stings to the touch.

Hi, @kaygee, and welcome. What you're feeling is absolutely normal. For many people, it takes time to process something like this and they go through the stages of grief. I found it really helpful to give myself permission to be sad, angry, confused, scared, etc. So it's definitely normal and healthy to feel these things for a period of time. It's just not healthy to unpack and live there forever. :-) Herpes tends to bring a lot of old issues to the surface....issues and emotions perhaps we tried to suppress or ignore over the years. Some people move on pretty quickly, and others (like myself) may need to spend some time with a therapist. I found that the friends I told just couldn't--for whatever reason--be a source of understanding, strength or even just listening. Learning everything you can about HSV will really help you to shift your perspective away from the absurd and outrageous stigma we're all surrounded by. I can't change what others think, but I sure as hell can change what I think--about herpes, about myself, and about what I want for my life. Knowledge is power. I really enjoyed Terri Warren's book (available on Kindle) and several of the sites regularly mentioned on these forums. Meanwhile, while you're making progress with coming to terms with HSV, be kind to yourself. Outside of some therapy and many hours reading on this forum, I credit my sanity and positive outlook today with a lot of regular exercise, eating better, journaling, meditating, hot baths, my golden retriever, a consistent gratitude practice, reading, etc. In my humble opinion, the best antidote to feeling like no one will want me, aside from reading the awesome success stories on this forum, is learning to really love myself and putting that into practice. Because frankly, I doubt anyone worth being with would want me unless I loved myself first. I vividly remember how I felt in the days and weeks after my diagnosis (a full seven months, to be honest), and it was the most painful experience of my life so far (I'm 43). I cried all the time, I didn't feel worthy talking to strangers, and herpes consumed my thoughts from the moment I woke up until my head hit the pillow at night. Today (14 months later), I can honestly say I would not trade the person I am now for a magical cure. I am stronger, more confident and more hopeful now than ever. {{{hugs}}}

p.s. Make sure you're getting a type-specific IgG blood test.

Get tested first. You may not have it. I found out I had HSV1 and HSV2 about a year after my divorce. I told my ex-husband and he wound up testing negative for both, which meant I'd had it for about 20 years and had no idea. My ex and I were together for 16 years--I'm still amazed he's negative, but it's possible. If you feel a conversation with the new woman is in order, just be honest and let her know you're in the process of getting tested. You didn't know.

Gosh, I admit I'm stumped. It seems so improbable to me as well. Have you been to see your own doctor yet?

Is it possible you already had the virus? Have you ever had an IgG blood test for HSV1 and HSV2?

I think I've touched insulation maybe once in my life, so hard to say. :-) Doesn't detract from my quality of life one iota. If itching is bothersome for you, I freaking love tea tree oil. It must be diluted! I usually wet a cotton square, add a couple of drops of tea tree oil from a health food store or Amazon, and apply. Some people also add it to coconut oil. You're only using a couple of drops, so I promise you won't smell like tea tree oil all day!

I never had a primary outbreak. I contracted HSV2 about 20 years ago, although I didn't find out I had it until last year (my ex-husband tested negative, which is how I know I contracted it so long ago). My primary symptom is itching. Occasionally prodrome tingling. Sometimes I'll have just the slightest bit of redness in the fold of my labia that stings slightly when I spray it with the shower head. Rarely it's very red (instead of barely more red than usual) and stings a little more. Last fall I had my first and so far only single raised bump. My outbreaks, in hindsight and from really paying attention in the past year, seem to be tied to my hormones. It's common for me to get a very mild yeast infection and some HSV itching most months. Acyclovir has reduced my already mild symptoms significantly. Sometimes I'll apply diluted tea tree oil in the morning to help with itching and I'm good for the remainder of the day.

p.s. I should clarify that the 1% is an annual risk (assuming sex twice a week)--not your risk per encounter.

With your ex on antivirals and you using condoms, your risk of getting it was 1%. Let that sink in for a moment. 1%. Tons of people never get a primary outbreak or any symptoms at all. I had it for 20 years and had no idea. My ex and I were together 16 years and he never got it. Estimates for asymptomatic shedding for HSV2 vary a lot. I've read 5-30% of the time. There's no way to know when that's happening. Herpes isn't always a horrific, painful experience. I've heard others here say a primary outbreak usually happens within 10 days of exposure. Get an IgG blood test 4 months from now to be sure. And in the meantime, go enjoy life!

I found out I had herpes a year after my divorce. My ex husband and I were together 16 years and when I told him, he got tested and was negative. That means I contracted it 18-25 years earlier and had no idea. My primary symptoms were some mild itching and maybe a slightly red area that would sting to the touch once in a blue moon. I didn't think anything of it. Last fall I had my very first raised bump. It's maddening, but it's totally possible. I'm still surprised that the stress of the simultaneous divorce, basement flood and dog hospitalization didn't trigger an outbreak, and then I get an outbreak when I feel totally fine. It's an unpredictable virus, to be sure.

Hi, @Lighthouse11, and welcome. At five months post-diagnosis, I felt much the same way you do. It is a very dark place to be. :-( Have you considered seeing a therapist? Herpes tends to pour salt on our existing struggles, and I found it really helpful to talk to a therapist to help me move past the feelings of unworthiness. I didn't even feel worthy to talk to strangers!! Today I see everything with a completely different perspective...a much brighter one. I wish the same thing for you and everyone who is struggling right now. {hugs}

@optimist Even though I'm not interested in dating at the moment because I'm enjoying being single too much, I'm sure I'll date eventually. But I swear I would never date again (knowing my HSV status) if it weren't for your level-headed, self-assured, encouraging posts! I just love your attitude. You've mentioned before what you just expressed in #2 above and it really made an impact on me then. It made me realize I absolutely need the same thing and I'm not going to settle for less. *Thank you* for taking the time to be so active on this forum. Your insights are always appreciated!!

I would seek out a western blot test. There's information at the Westover Heights Clinic (now closed) web page. I had a low IgG value and ultimately tested positive with the wb test, but like was mentioned, false positives do occur in your range. For me, it was worth the $200+ bucks to be sure.

Do you have any tips for proactively trying to feel normal again? I'm especially thinking in terms of confidence/ not feeling... unclean. What do you do to feel better about yourself if/when you have one of those days where it just all really sucks? I hope I'm not being too presumptuous in assuming that you have days like that too :) Oh yes, I definitely have days when it sucks, but they are becoming fewer and farther between--thankfully! A lot of things helped me to start feeling normal again, including.... 1. Therapy. I used a great therapist after my divorce, and she was a godsend when I got my diagnosis. So helpful to have a professional, objective perspective from a person who can see through the b.s. I was telling myself. :-). I didn't have anyone else I could really trust to talk to about herpes, so it was such a help to talk it out with her. 2. Exercise. Thank god I started exercising regularly (for the first time in my life) about six months before my diagnosis. Never mind the physical benefits--the mental benefits is a huge part of how I made it through the darkest days and continually grows my confidence. Running and weights helps a lot to relieve stress, hiking and getting outside in fresh air really helps to put my problems in perspective, and yoga helps me to appreciate what my body *can* do and is also a great stress reliever. 3. Learning. Learning everything I could about herpes was crucial. And now that those darkest days are behind me, it helps me feel better to come here and be a support and resource to others. 4. Mindfulness - Another huge one for me. Establishing a regular meditation practice (short--like 5 or 10 minutes a day is all) has made me much more aware of my thoughts and that helps me to catch myself in a negative thought more often and dispute it. It took me months before I really started to believe positive things I'd say about myself because I was finally getting enough repetition! Along these same lines, I told myself early on that I was going to allow myself to fully feel my emotions and not try to sweep them under the rug or numb them with a substance or activity. Learning to recognize and name the emotion(s) I'm feeling (easier said than done) and using R.A.I.N. (just google "mindfulness RAIN") often provided near-instantaneous improvement in how I was feeling. I get that it all sounds hokey, but it has been outrageously helpful for me, so I'm sticking with it. :-) 5. Reading - In order to combat all of the negative stuff in my mind, it was helpful to read positive books. I've already mentioned books by Brene Brown in other posts, and I keep copies of Untethered Soul (Michael Singer) and When Things Fall Apart (Pema Chodron) on my nightstand. I need to be regularly reminded that (a) shit happens, and (b) I might as well work with it than against it. 6. I really haven't been interested in dating because I'm *really* enjoying being single and having the autonomy I didn't have while being married. Truth be told, I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to ask her if it's normal that I have no desire to date, and I'm 99% sure that has nothing to do with herpes. LOL. Taking responsibility for my own happiness by doing things I enjoy, developing friendships, and really figuring out who I am and what's really important to me helps a lot with my overall confidence. Because it means I can be happy even if I'm alone. Even if someone rejects me because of herpes. Never again am I going to let my happiness depend upon what someone else thinks of me. If they want to reduce me to a label or stigma, they're going to miss out on a lot of great things about me. 7. I mentioned in an earlier post that I just finished up a 10-week small group workshop about shame resilience, developed by Brene Brown. I don't remember what exactly was said in the very first class to make this impression on me, but I had a very powerful realization that EVERYONE experiences shame. And I mean EVERYONE. Maybe not about herpes, but something else. Never mind that some people's lives look perfect, EVERYONE has stuff in their lives that eat at their insecurities or cause them too feel shame. When I left class that first evening, the thought that was screaming in my head was, "Wait a minute. If everyone feels shame about something, then why the *^@#&% am I walking around with my head down and my tail between my legs???!!!!!" That was huge. Sorry for the extra-long post. I've been thinking about your question all day and I guess I had a lot to say! :-). I guess if I were having a really crappy day, my immediate fixes would be "RAIN" and naming my emotions, followed by a good workout and probably writing a few pages in my journal too!

I'm not an HR or police expert, so I can't definitively answer your specific questions. But here's what immediately came to mind.... Have you asked your ex about it? I would go straight to the source, in person. Let him know what you're hearing, then calmly ask him to stop. It's too easy to ignore a text or email, and when you're standing face-to-face with him, it makes you a person (someone he once cared about enough to have sex with), and not an object for ridicule. It doesn't change the fact that it's now out there, and you can't control who is telling whom. For that, I am sorry. You just hold your head high and walk tall.

I used valtrex for six months last year and did not experience hair loss. It just didn't work well for me. I've been on acyclovir now for two months without any issues.

If anything, getting herpes is like getting an honor badge of being someone that has enjoyed their life hahaha Just kidding, sort of. LOL!! I think that's the best thing I've read in months!! Perfect! :-)

Here's the link to Part 2 since the two posts are likely to get separated by time and it's too late to edit the original posts: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/8701/healing-through-speaking-shame-my-herpes-manifesto-part-2-of-2#latest

Thanks, @ihaveittooo. It was very empowering to write and read!

Hi, @Kbh, and welcome. The past month sounds like it has been very stressful, disappointing, frustrating and confusing--on top of the physical pain you've had. I hope your initial outbreak has started to heal. I found out I have HSV1 and HSV2 after my divorce (my ex later tested negative for both), while I was seeing someone new (long-distance). Initially he was supportive, but within a few weeks he just faded into the woodwork. I tried to open a discussion about why we were drifting apart, but didn't get anywhere with it. Of course I jumped straight to the "it must be because I have herpes" conclusion. It was very painful. Of course, with a little hindsight, I think it easily could have been the distance, the fact that he just didn't have very strong feelings for me, or that I completely fell apart emotionally because of the diagnosis. I'm not him, and I'll never know what he was thinking or what previous life experiences and beliefs led him to have the perspective he did. I've spent a lot of time in recent months learning and practicing that I just can't control other people's reactions to things. That and not having any control or minimal control over having herpes has been maddening. At the same time, it's also pretty liberating. Because then I'm not taking responsibility for other people's shit and I have more time to spend growing into the person I want to be and living the life that I want to have. At the time I was diagnosed, and for several months following, I know I would have been the one to bolt if the tables were turned. I hate to say it, but it's the truth. And that's because of the lenses through which I saw life due to my upbringing, lack of education on herpes, etc. Coming to terms with my status has made me far more compassionate overall than I was just a year ago. Lastly, just because the culture you're in "doesn't do dating", does not mean you have to follow the crowd. You may find that others are happy to get to know you before becoming intimate, but don't have the courage to ask for it upfront like you might.

Hi, @scared2death. The short answer is, anything is possible, and there aren't statistics to give you on this type of question. If the blood test comes back positive, then you've likely had it for awhile. If the blood test is negative, then it's probably a recent infection. That's because the blood tests are testing for antibodies your body produces in response to the virus, and it takes time to build up enough antibodies to be detected through a blood test. I found out I have HSV1 and HSV2 after I divorced, and my ex-husband later tested negative when I told him about it. Coming to terms with simply not knowing who gave it to me has just been part of the process.

Hi, @lee104. I was 9 months into my diagnosis the first time I heard Adrial say "it's not about herpes--herpes just brings your shit to the surface." It was a pretty big lightbulb moment. I've never had symptoms of HSV1 and my HSV2 symptoms are very mild. However, the diagnosis was a huge deal to me, because it was like pouring salt on some existing emotional wounds which I thought had scabbed over. Combined with the societal stigma, the adjustment has definitely been a process. The good news is the future looks a lot brighter with some time, education, and personal exploration.

Continued from part 1: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/8700/healing-through-speaking-shame-my-herpes-manifesto-part-1-of-2 — — — You may describe me this way: emotional, sad, distracted, irritable, nervous, aloof, closed and withdrawn. **My diagnosis makes me feel alone and isolated.** In our culture, merely discussing sexually transmitted infections is taboo, and herpes especially is highly stigmatized. I don't know *anyone* with herpes. When I Googled "herpes support group," the results were dating sites for individuals with an STI. When I've reached out to people I trusted for support, I've been met with fear, indifference, anger, and being ignored. My only sources of compassion have been my therapist and an online support group of total strangers. For me, the shame and isolation has been far more painful than divorce, death of a loved one, depression, or childhood sexual abuse. **My diagnosis makes me feel confused.** The amount of new information I'm learning--even today--is overwhelming. The fact that there are eight different strains of herpes, two of which can be transmitted to the genitals, and how those two strains are both alike and different, makes it really hard to keep it all straight. Recognizing my own symptoms has also been very confusing. In hindsight, I attributed my very mild symptoms to yeast infections. So even one year post-diagnosis, I still question whether a symptom I'm experiencing is due to herpes or something else. **My diagnosis makes me feel anxious.** I have no control over this virus because it's permanent and unpredictable. Medication can minimize outbreaks and reduce the chances of transmission, but there are no guarantees. Even with antiviral medication and using a condom, there is still a 1% chance per year of giving herpes to a future partner. Every time I have an outbreak, it's like reliving the initial diagnosis all over again. I wonder when my next outbreak will be....how bad it will be...and how long it will last. I also wonder if the medications are safe for long-term use. **My diagnosis makes me feel mad.** I'm mad at myself for not being better educated about herpes, even though at the time I started having sex, no one knew what we know today about how it's transmitted or how few people show symptoms. I'm mad that even today, herpes is glossed over in many materials attempting to educate people about STIs. I'm mad at myself for getting tested, and mad at my healthcare provider for including herpes in the blood panel. Most doctors won't test for it unless you have symptoms, even if you ask to be tested for "everything". I'm really mad at the drug companies for literally marketing shame and fear. Prior to the 80's, herpes was a nonissue. But drug companies created shame and fear with their 1980's ad campaigns so that more people would buy their drugs. **My diagnosis makes me feel frustrated.** In spite of being the most common sexually transmitted infection--BY FAR--more than all Americans with diabetes or high blood pressure--most people believe herpes is reserved for the careless or the promiscuous. This stigma is unequivocally undeserved. The general public (including myself just a year ago) doesn't know basic facts like how common it is, how it's transmitted, and how most people who have herpes don't know they have it because they either don't have any symptoms, or they're nothing like the symptoms we see on the internet. I am frustrated by the ignorance and misinformation within the medical community. It's common to get conflicting information or wrong information from trusted health care providers. Since herpes cannot be cured, it isn't problematic for most people, and no one is going to die from it, most doctors just don't care. I'm frustrated by the overall lack of support. No one is going to bring you a casserole when you're diagnosed with herpes. **My diagnosis makes me feel resentful.** Even though I'm grateful my ex-husband tested negative, it makes me very resentful that he did not get it after a 16-year relationship with me, but I got it with a small number of partners who always used condoms. I resent getting an STI even though I practiced so-called "safe" sex. I resent the overblown stigma that exists for what's basically a nuisance skin condition and I resent that the CDC actually recommends against testing in the absence of symptoms. If everyone were tested, there would be no stigma because we'd see how common it is. **My diagnosis makes me feel sad.** I have lost my sexual freedom. Every future relationship--if there are any--will require an awkward conversation about herpes. And every future partner will assume some risk, even if it's as low as 1%. I am sad because before my own diagnosis, *I* have made jokes about herpes. I feel terrible for how much that must have hurt someone else. I am equally as sad that I cannot provide support to others because we're all wearing masks of protection which prevent us from seeing and knowing each other. **Most of all, my diagnosis makes me feel afraid.** I'm afraid if people knew I had herpes, they would treat me like a leper--afraid to talk to me, afraid to be seen with me, or afraid just to know me. I'm afraid of being exposed and losing the respect of my peers or even losing my job. I'm afraid of being judged, labeled, rejected, and invisible. I'm afraid that no one will love me. You can help me. I know you care about me and I know that my diagnosis, especially my own interpretation of it, affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me hurts you too. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger, and help each other through this sadness. This is how you can best help me: **I need you to be calm.** Please fake it if you have to. A calm presence will help me to be my strongest self. **I need you to respect my privacy.** Please do not share my struggle with others without my permission, even if I don't know the person. This is my story to tell, and I am the best person to decide when and with whom I'll share it. **I need you to be informed.** Please help me to reduce the stigma, even a tiny bit, by learning the facts about herpes. Your willingness to learn means the world to me. It is a gesture of respect which says, "I can see you for who you really are, because I can see herpes for what it really is." **I need you to reach out.** Please ask me how I am, especially if I seem sad or withdrawn. Please don't assume I need space and ignore me--this fuels my fear of disconnection and makes me feel even more alone. **I need you to treat me the same as you always have.** Please help me to remember that I am not broken and my diagnosis does not warrant pity. **I need you to stand up for me.** Please share the facts with your friends and family members when opportunities arise. Please do not joke about herpes or laugh at jokes that others make. Chances are very good that someone within earshot has herpes, and they need a champion too. Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor and not to take life so seriously. Help me to be grateful for all of the things going right in my life, and remind me to focus on my strengths instead of my imperfections. If others share a similar struggle with you, please give them my name and contact information. I would like to be a support to them if they need it. Eventually, I will move beyond the struggle of my diagnosis. I will never return to the person I was before, nor would I want to. From this experience I have become more empathic, compassionate, resilient and kind to others and, more importantly, to myself. I am grateful to you for listening and giving me your understanding.

[i did not expect to exceed the character limit! I've split this post into two parts, so feel free to skip if you're not in the mood for anything long right now.] For the past 10 weeks, I've been attending a shame resilience workshop which I describe as part class and part group therapy (just women). The curriculum was designed by Brene Brown, a professor of social work, the author of several books, and the speaker of a couple of very popular TED talks. As crazy as it sounds, discussing shame and how to build same resilience within a safe environment was outrageously therapeutic since my HSV diagnosis just over a year ago. (Regardless of whether or not you see herpes as a big deal, my diagnosis was a huge deal to me because it touched some areas within me which were already struggling with self-love, and feeling worthy enough to be loved by others.) My life has been forever changed for having this experience. The final homework assignment was to choose a topic I've felt shame around, to write about how it makes me feel, and then ask for what I need. I knew we were going to share our assignment with the group (always optional, but most people did). Although I hadn't mentioned herpes for the first nine weeks of the class, and in spite of feeling pretty darn good about life in the past few months, I knew I had to write about my diagnosis. I knew I needed to share it among people I had developed trust with. Below is what I call--for lack of better words--my herpes manifesto. I was following a template provided by Brene Brown specifically for this assignment, so if parts of it sound canned, that's why. Parts of it describe how I felt when I was first diagnosed, and other parts are still very pertinent to how I feel today. I spent six consecutive evenings writing this out and cried my way through most of the presentation (which was just reading it to a group of six other women), but I left that evening feeling a sense of peace I have not felt in a very, very long time. I don't know if I'll ever share it with anyone else ever again, but sharing it last week was profoundly healing for me. Since this forum has also been a huge source of healing for me, I wanted to share it with you too. -HG *********************************************************** I want to share my feelings with you about being diagnosed with genital herpes, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that it's an awkward topic to discuss and you may not know anything about herpes; there are times when even I don't fully understand it and have a hard time expressing myself. This struggle has provoked very intense feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand what I've been experiencing. [Continued in part 2]