surfsup

@hippyherpy, I've seen your thread, and I gotta say thank you, on behalf of a lot of guys, and probably some girls, who that thread has probably given some encouragement to post-diagnosis in terms of continuing to have some kind of casual sex life. @surfsup, you were right with you said about how I've typically done things in the past, having sex fairly soon after meeting them. If I can avoid herpes being this cataclysmic routine-changing thing, where I now need to spend copious amounts of time getting to know someone before having sex, then I hope to. At the same time I do feel myself shifting towards perhaps wanting to be open to something a bit more substantial than I've done for the past few years - and definitely more than one night stands. So, I just want to cognizant of the other person's feelings - how they process the new information, and give them time if they need it without pressure. I really appreciate all the advice I've received in this thread. Also, @surfsup, sidenote but kinda funny, but my situation right now is VERY similar to yours. I have a work life style that allows me to live a fair amount of the year abroad, and I also believe I contracted it from a girl last year when I was in Guatemala. I didn't mention it to her, because honestly I wasn't really upset with her about it - I have no idea what the cultural norms are around it in that country. But now I'm living in Colombia, and this girl I'm interested in does not speak great English, so if I get that far I'll be doing the disclosure entirely in my non-native language of Spanish. Depending on what happens with that girl (or any other girl I end up meeting in my next few months living here), I'll probably post about my experiences, since I know international attitudes about herpes are a subject of great curiosity on this board. Where are you living now? Forgot to mention, our situations do seem similar. I haven't been angry at the woman I got it from. She probably had no clue she had it and was asymptomatic, or if she had any issues, they were so minor she didn't think anything about them. I would prefer to not have herpes, but I went my entire life without having HSV-1 or HSV-2 for a long time, and if I am meeting girls off Tinder and sleeping with them, I really cannot be too shocked and pissed for getting something as common as herpes. I take really good care of my immune system with herbs and supplements, and I think that helped me avoid it as long as I did, but I think not having the partial antibody protection from HSV-1 made me more supectible to getting HSV-2 eventually. Have you thought about telling the woman you got it from? Just for her benefit and so she can manage things as effectively as she can. I was super non-accusatory to the woman I got it from, but I was like FYI you might want to get this checked out. She still hasn't let me know if she got tested (she said she would) and I may never hear, but it doesn't matter.

@dani -- I am in Thailand currently. I've mentioned it in another thread, but I'll say it here, I spoke with a doctor here about herpes and she said it is not a big deal here. Like, it's common, but socially the stigma is not too bad. I forgot to ask her if people here typically disclose, but I have a feeling she'd say it's a toss up. I am currently moving around a lot and it makes my situation even more conducive to casual sex. Like you, I am interested in having something more stable like a relationship, but I really need to settle down in a place a bit longer than I have been for that to happen.

@surfsup I totally get it. I'm also in a casual sex/dating phase of life. I was really concerned about how to wedge that talk in at the right time, but it's worked out fine. Just took a little practice. I bring it up when it becomes clear things are heading in a physical direction or when I feel that expectation is starting to form and that it's mutual. Sometimes that happens even before I meet the person, if we've been messaging or talking a lot. Usually I wait until after I meet the person because you just never know if the physical chemistry will be there until you meet IRL, but I really only wait until after the first date. If there's mutual interest after meeting in person, the next time they reach out to me after that first meeting, I discuss it with them. I try to make the first meeting a coffee date rather than cocktails so it won't accidentally turn into a hookup. I'm all for casual sex, I just want to get the conversation out of the way first, so a cup of coffee has been a good buffer for me. I'm sure there are unique challenges for females and males. This is just my experience as a female in casual sex/dating mode. Cool, it sounds like things are working well for you. Thanks for sharing, and it's awesome to have the female perspective. Not to beat a dead horse, but it sounds like one of the main differences (at least from this small thread) b/t male and female perspective is guys don't want to come across like they're jumping the gun by disclosing. Not from a perspective of being ashamed to look for or talk about sex, but from the perspective of a lot of what turns an interaction sexual is unspoken and more subcommunicated, and I would prefer to walk the fine line of seeing that sex is going to happen (assuming she doesn't say no after disclosure) and then disclose before it gets too hot and heavy. This is clearly not an exact science and we can't map out every encounter, we're all just doing the best we can. I think the disclosure can be good in that it tells you A LOT about someone based on how they react. It's obviously totally their right to say no and I'm not gonna dog them for it, but it's got to be interesting to see how people react in terms of their education about STD's and just in general with how mature they are. I am living abroad currently so I occasionally have a slight language barrier involved (not always though), so it will be interesting to see if that factors in at all. I got herpes abroad (I'm from USA) and when I spoke to the person who I am 90% sure I got it from, she was pretty clueless. I think about if there was a role reversal and I had to disclose to her, how would have it gone.

That's a good point @optimist about the differences between casual sex and potential relationship disclosure. And great line, btw! I guess where I am coming from is I am in a casual sex phase of life right now, and if I am sleeping with someone, it is usually after seeing them the first or second time, maybe third. There isn't a whole lot of time to bring it up in the non heat of the moment where it doesn't come across really presumptive and awkward. That said, I have yet to disclose as I was diagnosed less than a month ago and I'm still processing things, so we'll see how everything goes once I am "out in the wild" with it. I got the impression @dani was similarly sleeping with people relatively soon after meeting them, so that's part of the reason for my recommendation to you. Great discussion -- personally these discussions are what I find most interesting and helpful about this forum. And have fun Saturday, regardless of outcome!

I vote for wait and see how things go, and if they escalate then disclose. Be confident, clear, not making it more of an issue than it is. I wouldn't make a set script because then you'll get too in your head, but have a general idea of the points you want to cover when it comes up. As you said, I think it's too presumptive to text her or bring it up before things even get close to sex. I know some people here are obsessed with NOT disclosing in the heat of the moment, but I am with you, you are fulfilling the obligation and doing way more than a lot of people do. If she's an adult and isn't insanely drunk or something, it isn't like you're twisting their arm.

I've been trying to casual thing simply bc I don't want a relationship right now and I think that should be ok. But I still annoyingly have to disclose. So I have been pretty quickly into conversations and it's going pretty well. They're always naturally a little nervous and ask questions but this new guy is just so ok without any question and I haven't had sex with him bc it's a little weird am I right? To not blink an eye and be totally down for a girl you hardly know? Any thoughts???? Uhh, I'm trying to follow you the best I can, but here goes... Guys are usually very horny - perhaps you know this ;). A) He might not know the facts and isn't scared at all---B) he might know the facts and be okay with the fact herpes is a skin condition and still be into you --- C) he might be blinded by his horniness and not even thinking at all --- D) he might have herpes himself --- E) any combination of these All you can do is go with your gut and don't be afraid to ask him questions. Also, not sure how early you're disclosing after meeting someone or the manner in which you're doing it, but by telling a guy you have herpes, he might be interpreting it as "green light, she wants me" and it's just making them think with their dick.

@countrygirl13 - I know EXACTLY what you're talking about - I'm a month into learning that I'm hsv2+ so I've struggled with many of the same questions. My twist is that I started dating someone about 2-1/2 weeks ago - may not seem like a big deal, but the connection we have forced me to start a disclosure discussion. I waited about 4 dates before I had the courage to open up - I couldn't go months because I wanted either acceptance or rejection. I dont have the energy to invest in a relationship unless theres a possibility its going somewhere. I emailed her my disclosure because I couldn't find a good opportunity to say: btw, I have herpes. I also wanted her to have a chance to digest before being forced to make any decisions. This email opened up some honest, frank, deep conversations that actually moved the relationship forward. We had sex this past weekend... I've gone from thinking I would be celibate the rest of my life to having a deep connection with an amazing person in 31 days. My new thinking is: don't stress too much about herpes - easier said than done - but, when the right person comes along they will work with you or they will move on. If they stay, you have a better chance of having that deeper connection we all want Cheers. Beautiful.

Yea, you probably have it genitally. It's pretty uncommon to have it orally (1-2% supposedly of HSV-2 is oral, vs genital).

Lysine helps your immune system, which helps you have less outbreaks, which helps you shed less virus, which helps your transmit less. :) How do you know you have GHSV? Because the blood test said you have HSV-2 and not HSV-1?

Thank you! I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I'm not really into dating sites at all. Herpes or no herpes. At this point in my life I just don't think I will ever date or have sex again. I think I am ok with that. Just makes me sad some times. :( Gotcha, yeah the timing has to be right. Use this time to focus on yourself and your daughter. Please do not resign yourself to no dating or sex again though if you want it in the future. There are endless examples of people on here finding anything from serious relationships to casual sex, while maintaining their integrity.

Some people contract herpes the first time they ever have sex. I would consider myself a very informed, educated, and healthy person and I got it. It's a likely product of having sex, especially if you have numerous partners. There are too many people on this earth who have herpes that it really has to stop shocking us when we get it. It's been said on this forum a million times, but the key thing going on is that most people who have it, do not know they have it (due to denial, lack of testing, and/or symptoms they do not notice enough). Now I think the challenge you've been dealing with is the relationship issues with your ex, plus you are concerned for your child. The best thing you can do for your child is love yourself so you can be happy and strong for yourself, which will then be the best thing you can do for your child's sake. If your ex is hanging your herpes status over your head as a threat, then he is sick. I realize it's complicated because you guys have a child together, but you need as little of that guy in your life as you can afford, in my opinion. Do your best to stop condemning yourself with the "mistake" word. I'm assuming you did the best you could in your life given the information you had. You asked your partners if they had anything and you trusted them. It's really lame of that nurse to say you weren't being careful because you didn't demand your partners STD testing docs. Yes, it is possible to do that and maybe I'd do this if I was going to a swinger's party or something -- but this nurse is talking from a damn health clinic and not the real world. In closing, I think this is more about loving yourself in general and not as much about herpes. Herpes has been a big trigger though I suppose. Surround yourself with people who are positive and loving as much as you humanly can possible and be very picky about where you put your energy. Not sure about your life situation, but try to focus on things you enjoy doing for yourself, and your daughter. BTW, I am not a big proponent of H+ dating sites at all, but they might be an avenue for you to get your feet wet in dating if dating is too daunting. I've never used them though and I've heard mixed reviews to say the least. Take care of yourself.

Yes. Very much so. Igg will miss almost 30% of HSV1. Since you haven't specified which blood test you're talking about, even with that 30% it's still the best out there. Make sure that all tests were igg and not igm (that said, a combination of negative igg + positive igm would really strongly suggest recent infection) Just curious, do you know why HSV-1 is missed so much? Maybe because people have it for a long time being first infected as children, and then antibodies wane over time??

Thanks for responding. It's honestly stressing me out more that you have never had an outbreak. You really can't understand how awful it is to have your body violated the way mine was. I'm not flippantly saying it's the worst pain I've ever had; it's absolutely excruciating. I also have stomach flu symptoms aka nausea and barfing. I take care of myself, I'm very healthy, and my eating habits are great; why are my outbreaks so severe? It's just not fucking fair. I get it -- I can't pretend to know what you're going through. And I am not sure I have never had an outbreak, I just have a weird situation. Have HSV-2, but after sex with a new partner, had only symptoms that would indicate oral HSV. So I might be a rare care of oral HSV-2, or I might have genital HSV-2 with no symptoms and when I thought I maybe had my initial outbreak in my mouth it was really a flu or strep throat.

Every medication has side effects, but very few people experience them. Look at the side effects for aspirin, yet people still take it. Just curious, do you get outbreaks and/or take suppressive meds? Just wanted to know more about your story as I really appreciate and agree with your attitude and message about HSV -- not make it a bigger deal than it is. :)

I am pretty sure I only had HSV-2 for 2.5 months when my IGG came back at 10.5 -- so it is possible to have pretty high numbers even if you haven't had it too long. Maybe we have really active immune systems or something, I have no idea. Regarding the symptoms, yeah you really just need to get something swabbed the instant it pops up if you can. That would be good info to know so you can try to piece together whether symptoms, signals, etc you are feeling is actually an outbreak. It's easy to get butt, tailbone, pelvic and thigh discomfort from shitty posture, so this is common as hell these days. That said, the redness, sores, burning seem to point more to an outbreak... Good luck!

I have not researched the specific side effects of valtrex really at all, so I am sure there are more qualified people on here to speak to this, but bottom-line, pretty much any conventional medicine pill is going to put a burden on your liver. Even natural herbs can stress the liver if taken improperly (or if your liver is already compromised). Some doctors do not know this amazingly, or chose to not say it, because it shines negatively on their main modality of treating people -- prescribing pills. Kudos to your doc for not just turning a blind eye and keeping you on meds forever. HOWEVER -- I am not saying people should not take suppresive meds -- in many cases, the benefits will outweigh the drawbacks. Just be as educated as possible and then make a well-informed decision on what makes the most sense for you.

I was just diagnosed in October and I was really really upsetting to me because it was contracted through a sexual assault. On top of that, my initial outbreak was horrible. It was the most pain I've ever experienced; Flu symptoms, my entire labia, urethra, and perineum were raw and had the top layer of skin peeled off. My doctor said it was the worst outbreak she's ever seen (which didn't help to hear that). I had my second outbreak in January, so about 3ish months after my first. It was almost as bad; I had flu like symptoms and couldn't wear pants for 3 days because my labia was so raw. My doctor winced when I told her and it makes me feel worse about the whole thing. I know she might be trying to be sympathetic, but it makes me feel like I'm experiencing a worse reaction to the disease than everyone else. The whole thing has been so awful and I'm not only experiencing physical symptoms that are preventing me from going to work and school, but I'm so bummed that I have it worse than others and that I had no control over being infected. My doctor wants me to go on suppression therapy with valtrex and I wonder if I should. Does anyone have any insight for me? What should I expect moving forward with this disease? Yeah, all the wincing and cringing from your doc really is lame. They might be a great person and have a good heart for all I know, but that's not really the best approach for them to take. I have no doubt you are in pain, but it is doubtful you have "one of the worst cases ever". Try to take peace and hope for the fact that most outbreaks get fewer or less severe over time. I am not big into meds nor am I taking any therapies. I am a strong advocate of nutrition and herbs, so I go that route. That said, I have not had any known outbreaks, so it's probably easy for me to say. Even if you end up on meds, look at cleaning up your diet (gluten, soy, dairy, etc. can all trigger inflammation/gut issues in some people which lead to drops in immune system effectiveness). There are also a million supplements and herbs which are good for immune system too. Garlic, ginger, apple cider vinegar, and turmeric are some of my faves. Oil of oregano, olive leaf extract, neem are great for outbreaks too.

My partner was told by one of the STD testing centers that antibodies show ONLY after the first breakout, regardless of when the infection happened. Other clinics told us that antibodies take a maximum of 16 weeks to show in blood tests, regardless of whether or not there were any visual symptoms. Are there any skin conditions which tests fail to differentiate from HSV2? The clinic talking to your partner was probably talking about the IGM test which gets no love here, or with the herpes experts. I'm far from an expert, but I believe it only shows if you have HSV (not the type), and it can show recent infections, but these antibodies go away after the initial infection. The maximum of 16 weeks for antibodies to show up in blood tests sounds like IGG testing which are different antibodies than IGM. Mine showed up after around 9-10 weeks I believe.

@optimist Thanks, this really helps! Maybe in the future if I get some sores in my mouth (that I normally would attribute the canker sores I've gotten my entire life) or definitely if I get sores on the outside of my mouth/lips, I'll get them swabbed/typed. But hopefully I have no outbreaks.

I was diagnosed with HSV-2 via an IGG bloodtest. In the 10.5 range, so it seems pretty equivocal :) I initially thought, and it still might be, my initial outbreak was 2.5 months prior to testing and consisted of oral (inside the mouth only -- sore on my tonsil) symptoms, fatigue, headache, fever, and swollen lymph glands. This was 7 days after sex with a new, at the time, casual sex partner (who claims to have no issues, but maybe she's asymptomatic). I summed all of this up to mean I was a rare person with Oral HSV-2 as I had no genital symptoms. I know I could be asymptomatic in the genitals, but I thought if I am playing the odds, my initial outbreak being oral only proved I was a rare case. Long story short, I saw a doctor today, and she said what I thought was my initial outbreak 2.5 months ago could be what the doctor back then thought it was -- an upper respiratory infection -- due to pus and white spots in my throat. She also told me that the butt rash I saw her for was not herpes. This has me reevaluating my situation, other than the fact I know I have HSV-2 in my body and antibodies responding to it. I am wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to verbalize this with new partners in disclosure? Do I just say, "I've tested positive on a blood test for herpes, but I have not had any confirmed symptoms or outbreaks"? I want to be in integrity 100%, but I want to word in this in an accurate way that does not freak people out. The doctor I saw said that based on what she knows about my situation, it is very rare to transmit if I have not had any outbreaks. Yes -- I know about asymptomatic viral shedding -- but I wasn't going to get into a long conversation/debate with her. I feel like if I say to someone that I've tested positive for herpes but I've never had an outbreak, it is going to bring up WAY more questions/confusion than decisions/answers. Maybe I am just stuck in my head right now, and making assumptions, I don't know. If anyone is in this situation, or has any ideas, I'd love to hear it. Not sure how many people are on this forum that are asymptomatic but have been tested and are going out of their way to be courteous and educated.

@hippyherpy especially, but everyone really who has been contributing to this thread. Just wanted to give a HUGE thanks. Had a bomb dropped on me about a week ago -- a totally unexpected HSV-2 diagnosis -- and this thread has helped keep my spirits up immensely that my sex life does not have to dry out. :)

I wanted to share with you the thing that helps me the most when I get down in the dumps about HSV. I just focus on the fact that it is so common (something like 80-90% of the adult population has at least 1 version). Many people do not know their diagnosis of course, but that doesn't make us any worse off because we know. It's really no different than the flu or the chickenpox. I think it's the whole sex thing that gives it the stigma and shame, but we have to be careful to not let sexually charged connotations make us feel fear, guilt or shame (not saying you're doing this, but speaking to the general population really). Sex is part of life and is a natural and wonderful thing. If we have sex, it is almost guaranteed to eventually pick up something (it would be weird/rare to not). And if someone judges us harshly for that, then we probably do not need them in our life anyways, and something else just as easily would have caused them to judge us this way.

Not sure, am curious what others have to say about this. But I think bottom line is herpes does not always follow clear rules. General guidelines, yes -- but viruses are tricky. You could be having prodromal symptoms and dealing with something else creeping in on your immune system like another virus or a bacteria. Or it could be a HSV flare up with some symptoms that you also had during the initial. Watch sugar intake (sweets and alcohol for sure -- some people even have a hard time with sweet fruit) during times like these as pathogens in your body feed off sugar like crazy.

Beautiful -- great wisdom.

It definitely does not have to be the end of your sex life. There are people on here having sex of all kinds (casual, monogamous, in the middle) and they are consistently disclosing and people are okay with it. I think it just depends where you are at with your diagnosis and if you're at peace with it and do not make it more of an issue than it is, lots of people will be interested in sex still. And they'll respect your honestly. If they don't, that's their right but it probably wasn't supposed to happen anyways. I'm not sure about the leg pain, but I suspect it will. It's probably related to the initial outbreak which is basically always the worst. Use this as an opportunity to increase your health. Clean up your diet (if you need to), take some supplements/herbs that help with herpes, do some things to help with stress management/chilling out as god knows all of society needs this (hsv or not). :)