RegularGuy

The pain could have been a physical thing or mental. It can be difficult to know. The virus does attach to nerve bundles, so you could have been extra sensative because of that. There is also the mental aspect in that being anxious about it could have caused all kinds of effects like a slight lack of wetness, or muscle tension, like you said. It will get better either way. I think your work to bolster your self-image as well as your immune system getting proficient at killing the virus will ease this issue.

The percentage is totally misleading. The virus only transmits through skin-to-skin contact. An H- person can only become infected if the virus physically comes into contact with them. That 1% is basically the "Sh*t happens" factor. Unexpected, inexplicable, "We did everything right, but sh*t happens", circumstances that are unfortunate and unavoidable. So, no. The percentage doesn't change, no matter how many close calls or how many careful precautions. Because the percentage is just a mathmatical description of the random chaos of the physical universe in action. and doesn't mean anything other than to prove that you can (and should) take steps to prevent transmission to your partner. That suppression medicine and condoms reduce risk so effectively, that it's irresponsible not to sincerely discuss the options of using them.

You're realization that all of your effort to work on yourself and make progress toward goals have been interrupted, or defeated, by life is actually really common. You're not the first person to question whether what brought all that pain and misery down was the act of trying. There is a voice within each of us that is full of doubt. It is rooted in fear, shame and often, laziness. It tries to convince us that our goals are not worth the effort, that we are not worth the effort. Either because we are incapable for some reason, or because our goals are unreasonable. That voice is wrong. It can be powerful and compelling, but it is wrong. I've fallen victim to it plenty. I think we all have. At one time, I accepted that I'd never quit smoking cigarettes because I wasn't strong enough, or because I enjoyed it too much, or because I didn't deserve to, or because I just need like one more. I tried to quit smoking a hundred times and each time I failed within a year or so. Broke up - start smoking Lost my job - start smoking Car accident - start smoking Life threatening illness and no medical insurance - start smoking Because my compulsion, but also because of my low sense of self-worth. "Life kicks me? F*** you, life. Come here, cigarettes. Help me replace my contentment with satisfying self-harm. That'll show life I didn't care in the first place." Then I'd get hooked again, and my reaction (as dumb as it is) would honestly be, "O cruel fate! Why have you chosen me to sate your morbid form of entertainment?" While it's true that events may have been out of my control at some point in these scenarios, and my reaction may have been understandable... There was always a point where I was flat-out deciding that I was not worthy of my own effort and affection. I replaced affection with self-pity and effort with excuses and rationalization. Now, I'm not at all saying that what you're experincing isn't real. It is very much real, and no doubt very difficult. To be put through so many extremes, it's understandable that you would search for answers as to why fate chose you. Personally, I don't believe in the story of Job. God, fate, the universe doesn't pick people to suffer for good reason. It seems the evidence is that really bad things can happen to really good people. And for no purpose other than they just happened, and now that person has to deal with it. But, it's all too easy to list the things that hurt, that bent you until you thought you'd break, or that were so unfair and unjust that you never would have imagined a person like you would have to suffer like that. It's a self-destructive habit, though. Dwelling on the experience more than you absolutely have to. Listing all the things that made it hurt. Reading down the list of reasons it wasn't fair. Doing that too often only keeps the anger, sadness and pain sharp and fresh. It also stops you from so many other things that are important for your present and your future. I honestly believe that nobody should ever sit down and list all of the things that made them hurt, or made them mad. Dwelling on the feelings and painful events only forces you to experience it all over again. And I know that, if I wanted to, I could probably remember every terrible detail about some of the things I've endured. Probably in real-time, if I concentrated on it. Because they are ingrained in my memory forever. Clear, painful, and vivid. But it doesn't help me figure out anything I don't already know by now. It doesn't change anything I've decided I'm going to do from here on. And it definitely doesn't make me feel any better, or make any more sense. So instead, list the things you have that you can appreciate. Qualities in yourself. The few things, or people, you have that are important to you. The future that you well could have. Those matter so much more than things that happened. They matter more because what you like about yourself, what's important to you, and where you want your life to lead are the best factors to help decide what you should do now. They are actionable, they are guiding, and they give evidence to what your own answers are for the questions like, "What do I do now?" "How will I ever feel whole again?" Certainly, dwelling on the memories of the pain, sadness, anger and injustice of the past will not provide those answers. Because, if it did, you'd definitely have figured it all out by now. We all would have. I know not having someone physically there for you makes it so much harder. I'm glad you reached out here, at least. We are all in your corner, cheering you on. Please lean on us as much as you want to, please keep giving yourself another chance, and another. Because you're worth it, whether you know that right now, or whether you will remember it again soon.

Welcome to the club. Sorry to read that your view of your future is so bleak right now. But, believe that nothing is ruined. Nothing has ended. Because that's the reality. There is a primal part of you that is rooted in fear and anxiety, and that part is very powerful. When that part of you speaks, you are compelled to listen. But that part is not always right. Now is an example of one of those circumstances. Many of us felt that we had lost something precious when we were diagnosed. Many of us feared that the life we knew was gone, and the version of ourselves with HSV was somehow less worthy of our own respect. None of that is true, though. The reality is that nothing fundamental about you has changed. There is no new law of nature or physics which dictates that you must forfeit your happiness and your goals. Those feelings are strickly internal, and they are very incorrect about the subject. You are valuable. You are desireable. You are worthy of respect, especially your own.

@Elphie623 It seems like you're going through some serious inner turmoil. Many of us H+ peeps can relate to that. You would probably benefit from working on appreciating yourself more. To me, it seems like you have accepted your situation, but that's only one stage of the whole process. You can find your admiration for yourself again, and see yourself the way you deserve to, as a valuable, desireable, worthy person. Find the things you like about yourself and give yourself permission to appreciate those qualities. You are right that another person's decisions are their own, and if they decide not to start a relationship with you, you shouldn't be mad about it. But there are lots of people waiting to meet someone like you, and a medical diagnosis isn't going to stop the right person from falling for you. Only vowing to take yourself off the market forever is going to stop that from happening, and that would be an absolute shame to rob them and yourself of.

It's not uncommon at all to feel like you might not have much to offer someone else. I questioned my own worthiness, despite all of my hard work to be desireable. I didn't realize it until a few years ago, but I spent almost my entire 20's feeling like my effort, time, and affection were not worth very much to anyone. Then, I decided to start getting serious about viewing myself as a very worthy and valuable person, despite what management at my job, or women on dates would lead me to believe. I made a career change at 26 - 27 and started seeing that my treatment at work improved significantly, that helped me to see my worth (as a man often defines himself very heavily through his career). I began to see that my time was very valuable, a few minutes of my care and attention could be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in a customer's decisions to make purchases or ask for repairs. I started to look at my personal time that way, too. I wish I had learned that sooner. I wish I knew I was a really great guy, with intelligence and charisma, and good morals. If I had known that when I was 20, I would have had a much better experience dating, at work, and all around. You'll find the same about yourself. You finally start doing what you should have done years ago, and find your true measure of worth is much higher than you ever thought. Having been diagnosed with HSV isn't going to stop that realization from happening. At worst, it will delay it. But, no matter what, you will wish you had seen yourself as valuable and worthy much sooner. Start right away. List the things you like about yourself. Write them down, say them out loud. Remember to tell yourself all about that list every day. I have been doing this for a while now. Whenever I'm feeling down, I spend several days or weeks or years every day. I look in the mirror and I recite something good about myself. It seems silly, but it's worked for me. Being hard on yourself can sometines be a good kick in the pants to make the changes you need to be the person you deserve to be. But being hard on yourself for no good reason is only going to slow you down from being who you deserve to be. Cultivate your own affection. You have accepted some hard truths about yourself, but don't get stuck on that stage of growth. Too many people do, and it's a damn shame. The world could be packed full of decent, kind people, if we could all learn to be the way we deserve to be, feel the way we deserve to. There are things you can do to try to find your admiration for yourself. As an example: After my diagnosis, I healed physically but was too down to go to the gym again. I did start exercising again, and there were times where it felt futile (both because I had gotten weaker from taking time off, and because I felt imperfect with HSV). But it became productive again quickly. It became my zen, my chi, my gathering of energy, and my sense of self again. I combined that with reaching out to people close to me for support. I didn't beat around the bush, I told then I was feeling down about myself and needed some help. I also began transitioning into a new diet, nothing too extreme, just less fast food and more home cooked meals (until just a couple weeks ago, now I'm on a pale-like deal). I kept trying hard at work to do a good job, and kept doing the things that made me feel fulfilled. Like, writing, singing in the shower, keeping my home clean. Doing those things not only made me feel like myself, they made me feel like I was still making progress on myself, not repairing damage. I also made a plan to do something exciting for myself, using a little bit of my savings. I took a trip to see a band I love in concert and it helped me to look forward to doing more exciting things in the future. To know there are all kinds of great things waiting for me to chase them. Don't vow to take yourself off the market. That would be a terrible to all the guys who are looking for someone who is intelligent and empathetic like you clearly are (and I bet, a lot more, too). Instead, vow to work toward earning your love and respect. You deserve it, the people you care about deserve it, the guy you're going to fall for deserves it. Vow to change the things you know you can, that you need to. Vow to accept the things that are irrefutable, proven fact, not assumptions or perspectives. HSV might be a fact, but your projection of fear and despair upon your own future is a perspective. You deserve to feel like you have lots to look forward to. You deserve to know it's true. Don't let this muddled self-image fool you, it's all temporary and untrue. Don't let fear decide your actions or your opportunitues, it's an errant instinct that just feels strong temporarily. Don't preclude yourself from the good things you could, and should, have. That is the worst injustice you can enact on yourself. To take away your own happiness willingly. A damn shame. Decide the person you want to be. What does that person do daily? Imoressive things, I'm sure. How do they view themself? Highly worthy and valuable, I bet. Why are they so great? Because it's who you deserve to be. What's the real difference between you and them? Maybe a little focus, will, and effort. Maybe 10 minutes in the gym clothes a few times a week. Maybe a kind gesture or small, helpful offer to a loved one each day. Maybe a stricter sleep schedule. Maybe more time for fulfilling hobbies, and less nerve-racking worry. Maybe a positive self-image and a big boost to confidence each day through incremental progress toward your goals. I'm not saying you haven't tried any of this, or that you aren't doing it right. I'm just saying, make the plan if you haven't already, and stick to the plan you make. Life is a series of slow, incremental movements toward progress. There is no great final battle, there is no epic finale. There is only one day, one choice at a time. To either do what you know you need to, or to ignore what is right for yourself.

I don't have much to contribute here that hasn't already been said. But, from a guy's perspective on dating: We tend to seek someone who has bragging rights in career, Independence, confidence, physical prowess, good sense of humor (the dude kind, yeah, there's a difference), and ability to hold a conversation about a variety of topics. A solid demonstration of one of those qualities offsets a lack of another to some degree, but that's the formula a lot of guys are looking at. Looks are a factor, but only for about the first 20 or so seconds that it takes a guy to decide if a woman is approachable. Once you lock down a date, you can rest assured your chances of physical attraction are about 90%, barring any shocking personality trait. Carrying this oppressive burden of a lack of self admiration and feelings of inadequacy would be that shocking personality trait that leads to a failed date. Not that I mean to criticize you at all. I am certain you have heaps of desireable qualities. You just need to see then in yourself and learn to show yourself love and respect again. I struggled with this after my diagnosis. I also struggled with being a mediocre date before I contracted HSV. I had to work on how I conducted myself to protray confidence, not arrogance. I had to learn to show that I respected the other person better, rather than just trust that my genuine reapect internally would be read through my poor body language. This was all despite my physical fitness, career success, positive attitude, accepting nature, and sense of humor. No body cared to get deep enough to see thise traits because my body language and first impression were pretty horrendous. The same might not be the case for you. You might have zero of the obstacles I had. But you have some, otherwise, you'd be killing it in the dating world, with your clear awareness of your own thought process and your intelligence to be able to communicate it! Maybe a step back from dating, to get closer to loving yourself is necessary. Maybe some dating tips will help, but if you don't have affection for yourself, other people will pick up on it and wonder why.

Good plan to seek support from a close relative and from your doctor. Be sure to ask your doctor about suppression medicine like Valtrex or valacyclovir. It helps lessen symptoms and prevent future outbreaks when taken daily. It helped me a lot. In the meantime, practice boosting your self image by trying to steer your thoughts toward things you like about yourself. Trust me, you haven't changed in any remarkable way. It's natural to fear for having lost some kind of quality or ability you had before, and to fear for your future. I can assure you none of that has changed because of HSV. Many of us have felt many of the things you are feeling. Emotional, mental, and physical. You will eventually find that it's all just a state of inner turmoil. That you are still good ol you, still capable, desireable and worthy of affection. Especially your own affection, I should add. Don't dwell on thoughts of negativity or strife more than you have to. Try to do things that you've always done. Reach out if that gets difficult. Talk to people you care about, talk about HSV when you need to, distract yourself with conversation not about HSV when you need to. When you start to physically recover, make a plan to do something special for yourself. Go somewhere, do something exciting. If you've been saving for a rainy day, this is that day. Look forward to it, and remember that there are a million more exciting things to look forward to. Welcome to the club. Sorry you had to join. We will be here if you need an anonymous, sympathetic ear, or some advice.

It is totally possible to have HSV and not know it. Even people like my current girlfriend, who got tested for " everything" can be unaware because sometimes the medical community does actually test for HSV when you ask for "everything". You have a lot of tough things to handle, and the suspicion of unfaithfulness can be overcome with effective communication and displaying integrity in all things. She will see through your actions lining up with your words, that you are being truthful. Then, she can start providing the kind of empathy and support you need.

Thursday and Friday were stressful days. I'm grateful that stress doesn't seem to be a trigger for me, and still no followup outbreaks. I was once very fearful that I would no longer be able to handle stress due to risk of triggering an outbreak, but those fears were totally unfounded. I have much to be thankful for. The girlfriend had a combination of her phone and car nearly crap out and she decided it was time to replace both. A big endeavor for most, and even more so for her. Then her cell provider blindsided her with a huge bill for a new plan they snuck in without communication. Needless to say, I was a victim of her rightous vengeance for a while, haha! But I remained positive and supportive and things settled down as we made progress on researching new options together. There is a minor lesson for me to take note of here, communication and a little patience vand understanding go a long way. Being able to weather the storm of someone else's bad day, but maintain a sympathetic and supportive attitude is an important talent to bring to the table. Sure enough that the shoe will be on the other foot just as often. So give as much as you would hope to get. Well, anyway. After hammering out some serious research and cost comparison and budgeting while enduring the intermittent cries of frustration and despair, we came up with a plan and started pulling the metaphorical trigger on one item of our checklist at a time. Things are coming together well. But damn if it wasn't a lot of pressure to be precise and quick! I am yet again assured that herpes has no bearing on who I am, or what I can accomplish. Even if it is just pricing out discounts and budgets. By the way, for you ladies: If you can calculate a budget, price out major purchases like a car including discounts and intrest on a loan, and execute the checklist you develop to get the thing done, you're a special kind of woman indeed! Doing all that with my girlfriend, seeing her flex her smarts and exercise some reasonable financial decision making was actually both very refreshing and very reassuring. It's a rare set of skills in my own personal relationship experiences, and made me feel very confident that I had chosen a woman who can handle adversity, accept the bad news, and mitigate fallout. All with just a little sideline style encouragement. If you can do all that, you're a catch for sure! If you can't, get some practice by getting familiar with Excel and plugging in your monthly bills and expenses. Of course, I tangent my own tangent. Bottom line: Don't waste your time mourning the loss of a part of yourself you never actually had taken away. Communicate well and be empathetic with people close to you. Be blunt, but kind. Handle herpes like my girlfriend handled her less than ideal circumstances these past couple of days: Vent to someone who cares about you, listen to their reassurances, accept their offers to help, take their help and amplify it with your own honest best effort. Make an actionable plan based on a checklist of tasks to perform. Stick to the checklist and do the damn thing! You might not be able to change certain aspects of your situation, but you can mitigate damage before it happens, you can make changes you need in order to steer yourself toward a better future. And, as always, put both hands on the situation and steer it the way you want it to go. You'll end up on a better path than if you had done nothing 100% of the time.

The right person will see all of your great qualities and all of your flaws clearly, and they will show affection because of those flaws and qualities. Someone who wants to keep you around just to have you is not doing themself or you any favors. The right person will share your goals and dreams. The right person will want to see your dreams through, and have you help them achieve their goals too. The right person doesn't do it because they feel guilty or obligated or conflicted. The right person is sure beyond any doubt that they need you and that you need them too. So congratulations for having the guts to make the changes you need. Go get yourself the kind of love and affection and passion you deserve.

No payback necessary. I'm paying forward about 6 people worth of huge support and advice, both on this site and in person, that all helped me to deal when I was down, angry and confused. If you really want to do something to eve the balance, seek out opportunities to do small things for other people. Hold a door, offer to help, be a sympathetic ear to listen. It doesn't have to be anything profound, just a little decentcy goes a long way. Give yourself permission to feel the pride and satisfaction, even when the people you try to help are ungrateful.

Your doctor is mostly right. The only difference between brands is potential side-effects, from what I understand. It is absolutely possible to have both oral and genital herpes at the same time. Any mucus membrane can be effected. Personally, I was on a total of 1000mg of valacyclovir once daily while I was in outbreak and as suppression. The dosage is based on overall health, body mass, body content, side-effects and interaction with other medication. Stick with taking medicine the way it is prescibed. If you feel like your prescription isn't doing the job, talk to your doctor. Antiviral medication like Valtrex and similar take time to build up in your body and then yet more time for your immune system to get up to speed. It's not a magic bullet, but it does work over time. Trust that your outbreak would be worse without the medication, but also that your doctor is prescribing the medicine after due consideration for potential side-effects (up to and including liver failure). You can ask your doctor to adjust your medication, but do so understanding that there are many, many factors involved with your doctors decisions.

I'm really sorry to read things are that bad. It must take constant will power to hold yourself together. It's not going to be forever. The pain will relent and you will be able to endure. If you haven't already, reach out to people you can talk to in person, or consider one-on-one therapy. We will be here to listen when you need us, but having someone physically present is a better alternative. You have a lot of stuggle happening at the same time. Now is the time to reach out for support from those you could count on. Keep reminding yourself of the qualities you like about yourself. Work on trying to reassure yourself that you do have good things to offer, regardless of how difficult the present may be. Know that you will have the opportunity to find excitement, fulfillment and happiness, you just have some tough things to deal with for now. But it's going to be worth pushing through, it's going to be worth going out on a limb for a sympathetic ear, and it's going to he worth seeking the good things to remind yourself you possess. Avoid drinking, or anything else that might make you vulnerable. An impaired state of mind will only amplify those negative thoughts and emotions. If it's difficult to steer your train of thought, find ways to keep your hands and your mind busy.

That's a lot of turmoil for one person. Sorry it's been so rough! I'm not sure outbreaks away from genitals, mouth, and buttocks is very common outside congenital herpes from birth. This would be the first time I had heard of it, personally. I know it's really redundant to say, but you have to try to let the anger go and look forward to the future. There are many reasons to look back on how pointlessly painful past events have been, but the reason to avoid dwelling on it is the most important: To participate in your present, and to decide your future. Those two things are far more valuable than looking back and feeling hurt and rage. And however satisfying it might be to plot vengeance, it only makes the hurt and anger prolonged. Bad things happen to good people. It doesn't make sense, and it doesn't happen for a real reason (outside just circumstance). There are still millions of great experiences waiting for you to be ready, and they amount to a fulfilling future. A life you do deserve.

It's great that you came for advice, but you should really talk to a doctor about it. Find a doctor that will take your questions seriously and give you straight answers. The reality is that there are 2 types of herpes that are most often found in one of 2 places, genital or oral. It is possible to contract the virus even without sores or symptoms present. Type 1 and type 2 can be contacted in any mucus membrane (genitals, anus, mouth, eyes, etc...) But it is most likely to infect genitals or mouth. There are steps someone with HSV can take to prevent transmission: taking prescription medication daily, using condoms, abstaining during out break (the term for showing symptoms). But, there will always be some degree of risk of transmission. It's going to come down to how you feel about your relationship, your future, and your realistic ability to come to a conclusion on those decisions. You need to decide how you will handle things, in best and worst case. It's not an easy place to be in, given that he waited 6 months to tell you. He should be willing to help you talk to a doctor, get answers, and accept your decisions both for your own health and for the good of the relationship.

Don't hold out all of your hope for a cure. While it's nice to imagine, putting your life on hold while you wait for drug trials that are more likely to fail than show any promise is a damn shame. You have big goals and lots of excitement to find. Focus on those things and let herpes fade into the background.

Congratulations on being so courageous! It was really great to read how you overcame so much inner turmoil through seeking help from people close to you! You should be very proud of how you handled things and maintain the methods you used to ensure that you had such a great opportunity not be ruined by fear or shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and plenty to be proud of! There is nothing more fundamental to a fulfilling and positive relationship than honest communication and courageous integrity. You're giving yourself all of the advantages you need to find the happiness you deserve, and that's really inspiring!

You should talk to your doctor about maintaining a daily prescription due to your concern for spreading the virus to your children, and also to help control your symptoms. Depending upon your general health, your doctor may decide that there is reason to limit your prescription. Otherwise, they should be willing to keep you on suppression medicine if you choose to keep taking it.

Depending upon your general health, it might be reasonable to ask your doctor to up your prescription further and keep taking it daily, outbreak or not. You can also ask about switching brands of medicine to see if that might help. When I was taking valacyclovir daily, I was on 1000mg a day. It caused high blood pressure, despite my general good health and regular exercise, but it did supress the virus well for me. Sorry to hear your outbreaks are so tough! I wish I had more to offer. Maybe take a look at your diet and see if there is anything you suspect might contribute to outbreaks, or ease them.

If you haven't already, ask your doctor about supression medication like valacyclovir or equivalent. It will help your immune system target the virus better and aid in recovery from symptoms. Also, take a look at your diet, sleep schedule and exercise routine. If you see room for improvement, now is a good time to start. Stress contributes to physical symptoms, diet, sleep and exercise help reduce stress. Personally, it took me a while to start feeling like doing good things for myself and my future was worth while after my diagnosis. But by being determined and pushing forward, it has helped me a lot. Maybe only because it helped rebuild my self-image and make me feel better about the future, but it definitely helps.

If you have to take some time off work to give yourself time to heal, do it. Keep taking your suppression medicine, get a new prescription if you need it. Your immune system will get things under control. Keep in mind that your biggest risk of transmission is early on, but it never really goes away. You'll have to be conscious of when you have symptoms developing in the future. But, if you simply avoid sharing drinks, you won't have to worry about them. Symptom-free a hug and a kiss on the top of the head is not out of the question. Remember that you're still a good person, despite an error in judgement and some backlash, you are still worthy of appreciation and affection. You might have some work ahead of you to re-earn your self-respect and the trust of your loved ones, but it's not futile. While you're breaking out the old travel rewards card to get gifts and mind your Ps and Qs about being dependable to try to smooth things out and show you care, take time to appreciate yourself a little, too. People make big mistakes. Good people accept responsibility and change their outlook on life. Not just for the people around them, but for themself, their own happiness. You got this.

You have much bigger things to seek advice and to work on than just treating herpes. But to answer your question: Rather than worry about hiding sores (which will likely turn out futile, given its your first outbreak), youre probably better choosing 1 of 2 options: 1. You hide in the bathroom for days or weeks until you heal. 2. You work on accepting that you have a common medical diagnosis, then focus on what really matters the most to you. You made some choices and some things happened. At least you understand why and how, so very many of us were totally blindsided by this virus. The best thing you can do for yourself is be good to the people closest to you, rebuild your confidence and pride in that way, and stay focused on the future. And it goes without saying, but the truth is fundamental to this scenario. Excuses, guilt, embarrasment, and consequences included, the truth is the better, faster, easier way. Because it's going to come up eventually, either from this scenario or from a future struggle. You have much bigger, much more impactful things to tackle than how to treat herpes.

I'm glad you read my lengthy response. I'm also glad that you're taking responsibility for your own happiness, present and future. You're going to bumble through things a little (everyone has to figure things out as they go), but as long as you are trying your best to do right for yourself by your own standards, things will work out.

You'll have to communicate with him about what kind of risk is acceptable to each of you, and understand that those opinions can change day to day. It's a good thing that your goal is to prevent any regret or shame, because nobody should have to feel that way about sex. I think it would be somewhat foolish to assume that transmission can't happen if you do act x or act y. There are so many complicating factors involved. For example, a handjob seems totally safe regarding transmission. But, there is risk from possibly having touched yourself, too. Compounded by the fact that it is actually possible to contract hsv in any mucus memberane (while some places might be statistically less likely, risk still exists and it does happen). What you're likely to run into is more a matter of each of you consenting to a kind of behavior that you are each comfortable with. There simply isn't any solid medical research that can guarantee that act x is this percentage safe, compared to act y which is this other percentage. Unfortunate as it is, you'll have to feel things out and put some due consideration into what might happen.