RegularGuy

I think this might be an example of waiting too long to disclose, combined with a long-distance disclosure. In any case, I wouldn't recommend getting flirty before meeting in person. It establishes expectations for both parties. 8 months is a serious investment of time and effort. Effort that could well be spent physically dating someone so that you can establish the other 50% of the foundation, chemistry and attraction, in addition to an intellectual and moral connection. I'm not trying to tell you that taking things slow is bad or that distance ruins opportunities. But the level of expectations you built up in yourself and the emotional investment you made did inherently set you up for disapoinrment. It was a bit of a gamble. I was guilty of huge expectations and over-investing time and effort in daring for a long time. I had to stop dating and start working on myself, my self-respect, and my appreciation for myself all before I realized that dating isn't crossing a line. It isn't a commitment. I needed dating to filter out the noise so that I could find someone who was as thrilled to meet me as I was to meet them. To do that, I dated several people at a time. I didn't sleep around, never have. But I did hold conversation with a few women, make plans to date one a week or so. That allowed me to gain the resillience I needed to deal with rejection well. It also helped me to evaluate whether another person was worth an investment in time and effort (the two most important commodities I possess). When I taught myself to have affection for myself, I learned how to demonstrate empathy, compassion and kindness to people I dated. When I dated, I treated the first date as a test of wits and humor, the second as an evaluation of chemistry, and the third as a sample of what the other person was like on their best behavior. It helped me to side-step the women who are all promises and agreeability (frauds), and to filter out those who only gave me the time of day out of loneliness (aiming low, lack of respect). It also saved me a lot of disapointment and lonliness. If only that it was very expensive to go on so many dinner dates, haha! But that's the society we live in. All this to say, consider changing your view of yourself. Respect yourself and seek to get what you need. I assume closeness, physical contact, chemistry, affection, and empathy rank pretty high. Don't deny yourself any of those things, especially physical contact. Anything short of that list you come up with is unacceptable. Then be wary of over-investing in someone who doesn't have or can't give what you want. Find our if the are the kind of person you need quickly.

Always disclose. It is a matter of consent. You are making a malicious decision to inflict hurt, shock, pain and shame upon other people by planning not to disclose. Failing to disclose will not leave you feeling fulfilled or satisfied. Rather it will erode your self respect for having harmed people who trusted you, who saw you with affection and desire. There are a million excuses to justify harming another person. You are so clever that you managed to dream up one of them. There is nothing reasonable about that. Your shame is utterly misplaced. Herpes isn't your problem. Your problem is using herpes as an excuse to take away another person's right to consent. Using fear and shame as justification for hurting other people. When in all reality, herpes doesn't influence who you are, or whether you can have sex. True that the shame, pain and loss of sense of identity is real and it is profound. But those things are temporary, and should in no way be used to justify harming other people. Putting them through that shock, shame, sadness, anger and fear. Condemning them to all of that secretly and nefariously. You didn't get a choice. I get that. It isn't fair and it isn't easy. Unfortunately bad things happen to good people. But a good person doesn't do others harm, even more so, a good person doesn't plan to do many others harm. You have the capacity to do good things and enjoy a fulfilled sexlife without harming anyone. The choice to harm others is entirely separate from that capacity. And consent matters. Inflicting risk of a communicable disease upon another person is no different from the cliche line of every frat kid that ever sat in court facing the prosecution of their victim: "I thought she was cool with it."

It could have been. If he chooses to initiate contact in the future, that up to him. But you also don't deserve to hound a person who isn't seeking your company. You are worth more than that, and your time is valuable as well. All this energy and thought would be better put to use working toward just about anything else. And I know that yearning for someone else is a powerful thing. But it's not healthy when it isn't reciprocated constantly.

Sounds like it might be hemorrhoids. They are way worse on the pain scale than a herpes out break. Definitely get a diagnosis from a doctor and follow their advice.

If he doesn't want to have contact, you can't force yourself on him. I know how hard it can be, but you have to dig deep for the strength not to make contact. Having struggled with stopping myself from making desperate phone calls at 2am on a Sunday in the past, my best advice is to avoid alcohol and try to redirect your thinking with hobbies and work / school. It might sound like weak advice, but having other things to focus your thoughts on will break the habit of thinking about him and prevent it from becoming a compulsion to punish yourself with. Alcohol isn't good when you're under emotional distress, as it amplifies moods and emotions. Even just a little bit of it has an effect. Try to get used to the thought that the next chapter of your saga is waiting for you to turn the page and keep living. Remind yourself that you have plenty of desirable qualities and that you don't deserve to feel like you have to lock away terrible secrets from someone you intend to build a relationship with. You deserve to share genuine feelings of appreciation, admiration and respect with someone. And you deserve to appreciate, respect and admire yourself. It doesn't seem like old dude wants that with you. It isn't right or wrong, he just made a choice and you have to let his choice be his own.

You can spread the virus and contract different types of herpes, even without symptoms at the time of sexual contact. You should take the time to ask a doctor questions. They can help you understand what risks you should be aware of and how to reduce risk effectively.

Well, consider that you might be disclosing a little early. I am a huge advocate of disclosure. Always, always, always disclose before becoming physical! But, each of these men got very little in person time with you. Generally (and I'm assuming a lot here) people tend to consider intamacy an option after several dates in person. Either way that works for you personally, there is a definite point where conversation turns toward that genre and sex starts becoming a matter of inevitability. I don't know about most, but that's about where I initiate the STD / Genetic Disorder / Personality Disorder talk. Sure puts cold water on the mood, but it never ruined a good date. This would be the easiest and most effective way to disclose in my mind. (Other more experienced member feel free to correct me on this). Asking the othrr person about their medical history opens the door for disclosure in an environment where they are both ready to listen and also ready to demonstrate some understanding. Now, there are going to be people who are terrified of herpes. You can't change that. But those people aren't afraid of the skin condition. They are afraid of the same thing you are: struggling to find new partners and build new relationships. Meaning they probably plan to sleep with someone else. Not that there is anything wrong with some casual sex. But that they don't intend to be your night in shining armor anyway. And a one night stand is not so rare as to stress about 1 or 2 rejections. As a person who dealt with tons of rejection befote my diagnosis, I can tell you that if herpes is your biggest hangup in dating, you're not doing bad at all. You must have a lot to offer the right kind of person. There are plenty of people who deal with rejection and loneliness. It's a fact of life.

I doubt pubic hair has any effect on transmission of the herpes virus. But I'm not a doctor and my advice is based on zero research into the issue.

Well, you broke his heart. Not the other way around. There are a thousand different ways to justify denying someone their right to consent and all of them are wrong. If he chooses not to initiate contact, you could respect his choice and start giving him his right to choose for himself back. I know you are busy beating yourself up and wishing you could change the past, but eventually you will need to decide to trudge forward. The good news is that you have a lot of desireable qualities to have sustained a relationship for all those months. That is significant and you can't lose any of that just because you made a mistake or two in the past. You have the capacity for a lot of good, and you can be the kind of person who builds a really great relationship with someone special. You have to be prepared to find the state of being that allows you to feel genuine compassion for another person, and through that, respect for their right to make their own choices. This isn't a unique struggle. Most people get compassion and respect for others muddled up amongst the billions of conflicting thoughts and emotions that make up their state of being. Myself included, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. For all of your wishing things were different and that you could effect the kind of changes that would make you happy, realize: You CAN do all of those things. Be the change you wish you could experience. Turn your desire for happiness and a fulfilling relationship inward. Train yourself to love and respect yourself. Let that level of empathy and affection spill into every facet of your daily life. Then learn to feel that level of empathy, affection and respect for the people close to you. There shouldn't be any question as to whether you would disclose to anyone. Hubby material or a one night stand. They're all human beings who have an inherent right to consent, knowing there is risk. Just like you have the right to consent. Let this one go. Do some reflecting on how you could even begin to doubt telling a person you admire and plan to be intimate with about your diagnosis. Because the diagnosis isn't the issue at all. It is honesty, respect and consent that ae the issue here.

If you loved him, you would have cared about his health and his right to consent. Meaning you would have disclosed your diagnosis to him before becoming physical. His reaction of depression, fear, anxiety, and withdrawal are all symptoms of the choice you made to surprise him with a communicable condition which he had no ability to prepare for or to exercise his right to consent to assuming the risk of. Your desirability and overall good qualities may have made it difficult for him to cut ties on his own, but feeling betrayed certainly stopped his feelings of romance for you dead in their tracks. Not to say that you were completely wrong. And you certainly do have much to offer the right person. You did gather your courage to disclose, that counts for a lot. It takes a lot of courage! You also had the courage to cut him off when he was indecisive. You definitely did the right thing there. You don't deserve to waste your time with someone who isn't as thrilled to be with you as you are to be with them. You could consider how honesty effected that relationship and how it effects you now, use that introspection to help you decide how you will do things differently in the future. Put disclosure at the top of your priorities before becoming intimate. People who care about you enough to be physical deserve to consent, knowing all the risk. Taking away a person's right to consent is always wrong, no matter the circumstances or the justifications you invent. Being able to decide for themself will reinforce just how caring, courageous and honest you are. Those are really rare qualities, and anyone in their right mind would find all those very desireable. I'm sorry things did not work out. And I am sure you are working through some inner termoil. But know that your decisions and your choices do effect people, especially those who care about you. You have the ability to do good things, and you have the ability to build a great relationship with someone special. You just have to give them the chance to choose to do those things with you. Take away that choice, and you're left either lonely or stuck with a bafoon.

I'm definitely not the most knowledgeable on test results. I can tell you for sure that you should talk to your doctor about this stuff and expect to get solid answers. If your doctor isn't providing the kind of information you need, find a new one. For now, try to focus on good things you can do while minimizing risk of transmission. Those numbers would generally indicate a recent infection, so wash those hands with regular soap and warm water to prevent spreading. It seems like you are at a point where you are tempted to dwell on the "how" and "why". Don't let yourself be sucked into that pit, it leads to confusion, anger and sadness pretty quickly. Keep thinking about the future, and make it a future where herpes isn't a big deal. Because it won't be. Either way your diagnosis turns out, you won't have changed fundamentally.

Welp, absolutely nobody has a right to threaten another person's health and safety, revenge included. You are right to accept the consequences of your actions, but remeber that you still deserve to feel safe in your home, and not be threatened or harassed. If it continues unprovoked, or has you double-checking the deadbolt on your doors, report it to the police. Outside of that, know that this mistake does not define who you will be. You can be a good person and you can do good things. You are very much deserving of affection, especially your own. If he asks you for help, you should help (from a very long distance, considering the threats) If he wants nothing to do with you, let him be. If he continues to harass you, get the police involved. Try to turn your self-reflections on this situation toward a more positive light. How you will do things in the future, how you want things to be. Remember that once you accept yourself as you are, and you seek the intamacy of another person, you need to both disclose for their sake as much as your own.

You know, I have had the opportunity to be part of the conversation when herpes becomes a topic. Either a punchline or a part of harmless joking on another person. It' definitely does queue a sharp reminder in my mind that "Oh, yeah I have herpes." Which isn't fantastic. But I also realize that nobody means any harm to me by it. Commemts like, "That's how you get herpes" could be offensive. But it shouldn't be. Being reminded that I have a medical condition and that there is stigma associated with it is a fact of life. It will continue to happen. I don't take it any different than when someone says something in a joking manner about my heritage. It's not a reflection of who I am, just a reflection of another person's perspective. Plenty of people have jokes about a Polish guy. "Dumb pollack" and etc... Best not to dwell on wishing you could prove them wrong or teach them a lesson. Better to let people have their own opinion and keep on cruising along. Overall, though, it sounds like you are actually dealing pretty well. Sure, yhere are some tough days and things will get you down sometimes. But keep focused on that longview perspective and you'll keep doing better as time goes on.

I know just what you mean about being scared of your own body. It's temporary, but damn I used to be so proud of my body. When I was diagnosed, that crumbled quickly. I never felt shame for my sexuality before. I never felt hesitation to be intimate with someone who passed all my tests before. 7ish months after diagnosis, I have a lot of that confidence back. I can admire myself in the mirror without feeling guilty or shame again. (Yeah, I do that. Doesn't matter if anyone thinks it's vain) You will get that pride back. You might need to work on it, but it will come back. It's really great that you can see what good will come of your circumstances. That's hard for a lot of people to see. Hold onto those lessons, keep looking forward to the future where you don't struggle with guilt and shame about sexuality. You are just as desirable, just as charming, and just as charismatic as ever (or goofy and quirky as ever)! Herpes didn't change much. You'll just be better at some things you probably would want to be good at anyway. Health, choosing partners, nutrition, caring for yourself. All super important stuff! You aren't burried under a mountain of shit. You haven't broken anything. You haven't lost anything innocent. You're just a person with a condition, like many many other people. And hell, none of us come out unscathed. None of us make it out of here alive. Your adventure is far from over. Love, loss, joy, sadness and comfort are all waiting in heaps to blindside you. If you can give yourself permission to see your worth, and give yourself permission to look forward to a positive future, like you have been doing, you will regain your pride. You will get to enjoy so many awesome things, it'll make you wonder if you even deserve it By the way, you do deserve those awesome things. I'm sure of it!

Well, doom and gloom are a real part of the adventure. Handling it is a talent. Glad to hear you joined a "regular dating site". That's where you belong! I hope you have the courage to weed out the bad eggs quickly, and find someone really amazing! And you are totally right! Be the change you want to experience!

Oh, well I'm glad that your tooth problem isn't so bad after all! Thanks for the info about arginine. I'll have to study up on that.

Depending upon where in Texas you live it might change what feels "different" to you. Obviously the big tourist sites: Orlando, New York, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Sand Diego, Seattle come to mind. Plane tockets are relatively cheap and getting a hotel and rental car is a snap. If you're looking for wilderness, to me North Carolina around Asheville is king. Hiking for days, antique shops, ma and pa restaurants galore. It depends upon what you feel like you need. Personally, when I need to escape, gain some perspective, and gather my zen. I look to the ocean. I try to visit the sand, the waves, and rent something right on the water. Just be aware that travel can lead to loneliness. If you can get a travel buddy, that's a good option. Another is to just butt into a group that looks like tourists and offer to buy a round of drinks in exchange for a game of 20 questions or whatever. Bringing a buddy and butting into groups can lead to good times, so don't rule either out, haha! Those tactics work anywhere, and make a good cure for travel disapointment, if the worst should happen. If you have the savings for it, going out of country could be a good option, but do your research. Many countries lack "modern" amenities we take for granted in the states. Cell networks, internet, taxis, and English are not guaranteed to be common (or exist at all) in a lot of places. But, I personally liked Croatia, Singapore, Japan, and Sydney, Australia. Croatia being the least tech savvy. But English is common in all those places, so it's easy to make friends (or get into troyble if that's your kick). Ask yourself what you need. Ask yourself what you would like to imagine yourself doing. Then ask what you'lll probably actually do. Then decide where to go where all those things are possible.

Thanks for sharing! I think you are 100% right about disclosure. One exception: I think that even the most pathological of people feel the backlash of failing to disclose. It shuts down any chance of building a good relationship, something we all need whether we admit it or not. As far as herpes effect on cancer survivors, that's a complicated question. Good that your interest is talking to a doctor about it. It migjt be helpful for you to seek the same advice from your own doctor. I think it is awesome that you are each trying to go about things with the knowledge and due consideration for health that you are! Keep doing that no matter what. I would think that if there is no lasting immune issues for the other person, it probably won't effect the chances of transmission. But the chances will never be zero. At best, close to zero. That said, I have near zero medical knowledge. Always ask your doctor / pharmacist and follow their recommendations.

It's okay to have a tough day once in a while. I'm glad you came to talk about it. I'd like to start by saying that taking yourself off the market is a damn shame and there are plenty of people out there who are at a loss in dating because they won't be able to find you. I'm sorry to read that you have been struggling with symptoms. If you haven't already, it might help to talk to your doctor about starting supression medication like valacyclovir. If you are on one kind of medicine, making a switch in brands might help (I've read ablot about frequent symptoms for certain people on certain brands). Also, I understand pulling away fron people close to you. I do that when I'm down, too. For me, I feel like it is imposing to subject people I care about to my shitty moods. However, doing that can make those down days drag on longer than they should. It's hard to feel appreciated when the only person you hang with (yourself) doesn't feel like appreciation is due. There is a lot of reassurance that can come from being around other people you care about. As my brother says, "Inflict yourself upon society" Meaning, you might not feel worthy. You might feel like a burden. But other people do want you around, and you do deserve to feel appreciated. You seem to have taken the time to do some introspection. A year is a pretty long time to look at yourself. If you've done so honestly, maybe it's time to act on some of those lessons you've learned and make some of the changes you think you need. Be the person you've decided you want to be. Make your life the way you imagined it could be. Not if only x or y were different, but because you have the ability to see it differntly, do it differently.

It is possible for men to have sores inside the urethra, so liquid bandage wouldn't do the job either. Additionally, there is no guarantee that the virus would not permeate while the coating is in liquid form. Not to mention the fact that combining it with other compounds (oils, vinegar, latex, spermicide, lube, etc) might defeat the intended barrier. All of these ideas do have common foundation, which has merit. To reduce chances of transmission through suppression of the virus and creating a barrier. But there are already scientifically designed methods to accomplish that. Valacyclovir and condoms. And they are very effective. In fact, the only methods my doctor recommended to me, excluding all other methods. There are a lot of factors at play in protecting a partner from accidental transmission. Biological, molecular, statistical, physical, and chemical. There is a possibility that thinking outside the box and using unconventional methods may unwittingly create additional risk. Rarely is the simple answer the right one. But in the subject of protecting partners health, that is the case. Disclose. Take suppression medicine. Use condoms. Until you both agree to do differently, knowing there will always be risk.

First, Your kids will be totally fine. If you give them the chance to, they will prove to you that they have the kindness, compassion, intelligence, and strength to be good people. Worth while people. Worthy of your admiration and pride. Right now, it sounds like you are struggling with sadness, anger, and a loss of your sense of identity. Those are common things in our community. It can cause us to question the point of carrying on. But I can assure you those feelings are temporary. Super temporary. Your husband may not be providing the kind of compassion and empathy that you expect. Unfortunately, for us males, we are typically very under equipped for that kind of support in a relationship. It doesn't mean he is callous. It just means that he might lack some of the tools to effectively communicate on those topics. That is a life long endeavor for most of us dudes. Certainly is for me. I thing a major contributer to your current struggles centers around how you feel about yourself. Projecting those fears and negative feelings onto your children can be a powerful source of heartbreak on their behalf. In a lot of ways you are right though. If there were justice in fate, good people would not be injured, or contract disease, or suffer disorders. And it is okay to be angry at that injustice sometimes. Sadly, bad things happen to good people. But we can at least take some solice in the knowledge that it does not make them bad people. Those who experience strife can still be good people, they can still do good things. And despite any hard times, nobody is rendered worthless due to a medical condition like herpes. In fact, we are all very much worthy people. Worthy of admiration, appreciation, and affection. After my diagnosis, I considered that I'd shoot myself. I decided I would do it in a way that nobody would need to clean me up. I'd apologize to my family for the pain it would cause them. I figured RegularGuy was dead anyway, and I couldn't deal with living as Regular Poor Sap. But I talked to the people closest to me about anything other than herpes first. Doing so helped me to decide that I would give myself a chance to regain my own respect first. I really tested myself, expecting failure. But I didn't fail at anything. In fact, I was no better or worse at any of my tests I designed for myself than I ever would have been. You deserve the same chance. Your family deserves the same chance. You'll see, nothing is lost. Nothing is ruined. I would recommend that you identity what infuences the feelings of anger, sadness and loss of your appreciation for yourself which effect your views of the future and your children and their futures. It might seem convoluted, but it's actually not so. First, your view of yourself. You need to see the fact that you are the same great person you were months ago. You need to give yourself a chance to earn back your self-respect. You can do this by doing right by your children. Being strong for them. You can try your best to keep doing the things you have always done. If you want to feel like Faith3, do Faith3 things. You'll see that you are no better or worse than ever. Second, your view of the future. Make a plan to do something you will enjoy. It can be as small or as grand as it needs to be. But make a plan to do it real soon. Give yourself permission to be excited about it. Look forward to it. Think about how there are so many other things you will look forward to. It will make you feel like there is a good future hidden behind all the sadness and anger. Third, do good things. Don't let yoyrself dwell on thoughts about "how" or "why". Think those tough thoughts, then try to let them go. Likewise, don't dwell on fear about the future, or negative thoughts about yourself. Try to focus on what you can do, what you will do, that is good. Seek opportunities to help the people closest to you. It doesn't have to be Earth-shattering, just helping with dishes, or being a sympathetic ear is plenty. It will make you feel like you are appreciated. Hopefully, it will help you see that you are worthy of others' time and affection. You've been so strong to seek out someone to talk to. Keep giving this that level of strength and courage. If you find yourself having trouble steering your train of thought away from the negative things, reach out. If you have a hard time talking to your husband, make it a point to get better at it. Do what you have to, both internally in your own head as well as externally through words, to reach a common ground to communicate effectively. If you have trouble seeing the value in your children, their humanity, their worthiness. Realize that is a symptom of an internal struggle being projected onto them from within you. One that needs to be tackled with positivity, support, and strength. You are a good person. You are worthy of affection, appreciation, sympathy, love, and respect. If you try, if you do what it takes, if you give yourself the chance, you will see that it's not just a load of hokey voodoo bullshit. What you are experiencing is real and profound. What you do about it matters. To you. To us. To your family.

Congrats on grabbing life by the balls! Double congrats for the disclosure! It's really great to read that you didn't let fear control you. And even better, you based your actions on how they effect a person you care about! You did a really great things, and I know he got the chance to see how much courage you have, how important integrity is to you. Those are super rare qualities, and they make for a really solid foundation for a relationship. I hope things work out really great for both of you!

That would definitely not be an effective barrier. Any tape looses it's stick when wet. Also, you could break a blood vessel if mess with restricting bloodflow in your junk. You don't want crooked junk.

Back acne: I have gotten this off and on since my 20s, well before diagnosis. It seems to be stress / genetics, according to my doctor. They can be both blackheads or itchy red bumps that develop into acne. A reassuring note here: if it has any solid or thick material, or blackhead to it, it's not herpes. Herpes is completely fluid and usually clear when broken. Generally, after breaking, it will tend to leave a sore that scabs over. Shaving: I was really nervous about it. At one point I thought I may have really spread the virus badly, but it turned out to be unrelated issues. I'm currently using Nivea foam and a really delicate 5 blade mens razor. Sent free, dye free, alcohol free everything. It won't feel like you're getting a close shave because there is nearly zero resistance, but it works really well. Sex: It might be uneasy at first. It definitely was a little difficult psychologically for me and my girlfriend for a while. Use the precautions you need to feel comfortable that you won't regret letting lust make bad decisions for you, knowing that you will eventually get more comfortable and less worried with a little time. Herpes won't kill the mood forever, but it might spoil things occasionally with internal conflict about it. Better to let the mood be ruined once or twice at first that to let regret, guilt, or shame afterward ruin a relationship. It's actually really easy to let an awkward apology and a nervous laugh go than to repair the guilt of having taken too big of a risk. Oxytocin, the "feel good" chemical naturally occurring during sex, is powerful and can cause people to accept risks in the heat of the moment that they normally wouldn't. Coming back down from the rush should be comfortable, calming and reassuring and not riddled with guilt or shame.

GHSV-1 has a lot of misinformation surrounding it. I can see that you are concerned for your partner's health as well as your relationship being fun and easy without herpes getting in the way. I'd recommend taking the antiviral medication and using condoms at first until you both feel more comfortable. Nobody should feel shame or regret regarding sex. There was a few weeks where I had been diagnosed and my girlfriend was waiting on test results. We abstained for a while, even after I healed. Once we started getting intimate again, I was really having trouble feeling comfortable and having fun. We found that keeping condoms on the night stand, ready to go helped and being on antiviral made me feel a little more confident. It took a while for us to be comfortable enough to ditch the condoms even after we both had our diagnosis. There is a big psychological factor at play there. Talk about wanting to do all the stuff you want to do. Talk about what you're nervous about, especially regarding transmission. Take steps to reduce risk and feel more comfortable so you don't end up feeling shame or regret later. It migjt kind of drag the mood a little, and it might lead to some awkward apologies. But that stuff is okay. It doesn't break anyone. Talk about how you will each become more confident and comfortable together eventually. And be okay with being a little over cautious at first!