RegularGuy

You are right, you did take away someone else's right to consent. It might not have seemed like a big deal at the time, but it sure was. It's okay though. You can and should still disclose. He might be mad, but at least you will give him the chance to get tested. You don't have to maintain contact after you disclose, but offering support might be a good thing to do. That is, if he doesn't get threatening or verbally abusive. Then, realize that disclosure is an absolute priority above all else. Failing to disclose adds guilt and shame to sex. And nobody deserves to feel that way, especially not you and not your partners. Sex should either be just a lot of fun, or just not happen.

See a doctor right away. Don't just cross your fingers and hope. Go do the only thing you can do about it. Get the sore swabbed and tested.

It's going to be okay. If you haven't already, go see a doctor and ask about suppression medicine like valacyclovir (val-ah-psych-low-veer), or valtrex. It will help you get symptoms under control, and also helps to prevent transmission when taken daily. Try to focus your thoughts on the most positive future you can imagine, with plenty of excitement and fulfillment. Because it's not that far off. Try to love yourself and if you need to, re-earn your self respect. Being diagnosed with herpes effects your self-image primarily. Be aware of how you think about yourself, and understand that all of the fear and anxiety are unfounded and unrealistic. You're still the same person as always, with all the right qualities to lead a good life including love, success and happiness.

Good on him for disclosing! Good on you for disclosing too! You are totally right, choosing to do nothing or to wait is often the worst option. I hope things go well for you both!

With all those symptoms, it's difficult to say that it is herpes. One thing is for sure, that steriods can make herpes outbreaks worse. Decide to focus on the things that have always been important to you, and try to picture the future as an exciting, fulfilling thing. Get your swab results and take action based on rational, objective decisions rather than based on fear or anxiety. The usual caveat: I'm not a doctor and have near zero medical knowledge. Always talk to your doctor about stuff like this and follow their recommendations. Give your doctor all of the important information you can and be 100% honest with them.

Welcome to the club. Good to hear that you've seen the good in yourself and are able to appreciate yourself as a human being! You not only did the right thing for him, you did right for yourself. You gave a real relationship a chance. You gave yourself a chance to experience unfiltered affection and desire, without threat of guilt or regret. And that is exactly what you deserve! Keep doing things the way you did, and the only option is that you will find the kind of fulfilling, passionate relationship you're looking for. Try not to invest too much of your view of yourself in this one guy's opinion. But good luck! I'm sure that however it turns out with this guy, you will keep seeing yourself as a good, kind, caring person who deserves to find fulfillment!

Glad you're handling your diagnosis in stride. Super glad to read that you've been disclosing! You should be proud, it takes a lot of guts! As far as oral, I have ghsv-1. It's been relatively quiet for me since my first outbreak. My girlfriend goes down occasionally over the past 8ish months since my diagnosis. No evidence of transmission so far, but she is also diagnosed with the same. So, immunity, outbreak, timing, angle of the light of the moon. Who knows... I'm not one to place my bets on statistics, but if you take suppression medicine and abstain during outbreaks, risk is statistically much lower. However, there will always be risk no matter what. That's why disclosure, consent, and being respectful of others' right to decide what they do with their body, with who, and when, matter. If you keep disclosing, allowing others' opportunity to make their own decisions and respect their right to decline due to uncertainty, you won't have to accept guilt or sole responsibility for a possible transmission. The fact is, people should be allowed the right to decide what they do with their body, what risk is acceptable, and hold themselves responsible for their own choices. If you're honest up front, and don't try to decieve or mislead, then you really can't hold yourself accountable for their actions. You can continue to be honest and caring, you can plan to offer some support if transmission happens, but you can't be expected to accept blame (or most importantly, deal with negativity or aggression) when someone accepts a risk and stuff happens. Either way, it is up to you and the person / people you decide to be intimate with to decide for yourselves what is too unknown / risky and what is okay. And on that note, remember that it isn't all on you. They have to do their part for themselves. And you aren't the only person out there with a diagnosis, so in the process of disclosing, ask the other person to do the same if they have their own diagnosis.

Glad you're both being so strong and supportive toward each other! You're absolutely right that it doesn't change anything significant for either of you. I can't remember if I said it, or my girlfriend said it first but.. "It's just a thing that isn't really a thing." And it's alright if it gets you down once in a while, as long as you can talk about it when you need to.

I hit the gym today and really crushed it like I used to. No shame, no holding back. The thought of herpes didn't even occur. Damn that felt good. I can still shape myself however I want. I can push myself to desparate levels of exhaustion and keep finding new wells of inner strength to tap into. Not too long ago, I thougjt that was never going to happen again. It's rediculous to think that. In other news, I moved into a new, nicer place. That was something I really wanted to do for a while and I finally found the right place to be. It's been really exciting and satisfying to take a step forward in my living situation, especially because I feel like I've worked so hard and been so dilligent in recognizing opportunities to earn a better lifestyle. It's really rewarding to look back and see a resilient, tenacious self making sound decisions to open doors and win what I wanted to have. The best part is knowing I can keep doing it. And even if something terrible happens, I think I would meet adversity or tragedy with strength, determination and satisfaction in knowing I really honestly did things to the best of my ability. That's what I get from these late night gym sessions. Satisfaction and inspiration through introspection. For those who might read this: Do that for yourself. Find a way to gain that kind of pride and self appreciation. It makes the good times more enjoyable and the hard times a little easier.

You actually can take steps to minimize risk, bit there will still be risk. Helping your dude to understand that risk is important. You can take a daily suppression medicine to help your immune system supress the virus and prevent transmission. You can also use condoms. Personally, when I first found out, I was too nervous about the risk to have sex without both medication and condoms even for a long time after healing from my first outbreak. And that was okay. Because the important things is to be able to enjoy a relationship and sex without feeling guilt or regret. Nobody deserves to feel that way. So, keep talking to each other about stuff until you don't need to. I think it's really great that you both went to a doctor together. Profound stuff.

@LoveTheMountains I'd really like to hear your stories about your hospice patients advice. To avoid derailing this thread, might be better to start a new one, or just PM me about it.

BHT the food preservative? I've never heard of it as a treatment for anything, but you can get it cheap in junk food like cookies and chips, haha! Anyway, welcome to the community. Damn right, love yourself! I'm really gald to hear your perspective is one of resillience and strength. You are right that there are many things that are a bigger deal than herpes, and that list will grow longer as time goes on and herpes becomes less of a psychological burden. As far as the other, bigger situation, Good luck. I guess the best you can do is what you're already doing. Accept the circumstances, be determined to endure and not let it make you feel like it's hopeless. Keep looking forward toward a positive future. At times, we all need to think about the negative stuff. But don't dwell on it longer than you have to in order to stay sane. Try to steer your thoughts toward how great the future will be, and how it will be soon. And definitely reach out if you need an ear to bend. For treatment, I'd recommend getting a prescription for valacyclovir (or equivalent) for supression medication. It's proven to help prevent outbrek, transmission, and reduce severity and length of outbreak. Damn near a wonder drug for me. I stuggled with not being able to sleep and controlling my thoughts (always have, before herpes. Still do, sometimes related to herpes, sometimes not). Try to get up out of bed if you know you aren't going to fall asleep any time soon. Do something that keeps your brain at a low idle and your heart rate low. For me, that's dishes or a walk around the block, or a small snack. Focus on driving your thoughts toward things you want to do the next day, or on the future. Positive stuff. Avoid anything with a screen like TV or your phone, because it makes you stay up longer and lose track of time. Avoid the urge to plot and plan how you will handle things, that task is reserved for buisness hours only. Nobody ever made good decisions or had a great idea when suffering bouts of sleepless insecurity. Get up, engage chill mode, think about buying a puppy, but don't actually do anything or accomplish anything. Just get yourself re-ready to sleep.

There are harder conversations to have and much more terrible feelings than having the disclosure talk. Just read up on some of the other posts, for example: "I didn't diclose and now I'm alone, ashamed, regretful and sad" Or "They found out by surprise and now we're both miserable" And the boomerang effect "I never told any of my one night stands because their well-being doesn't matter. Unrelated, I have poor self-image and struggle to respect myself and others" While I'm sure in all the 7 billion peole of the world (most of them having herpes, by the way), that there are a few psychopaths (not an insult, that's the correct term for the disorder) who genuinely can't feel those things. I suspect that you are not one of those few, considering your feelings of conflict. But either way, I assure you that the choice is very clear. If you choose to avoid this important conversation you would be ignoring another human beings right to consent. You would be manipulating them in order to deny them their ability to decide what they do with their body. No different than the classic "I just assumed she was cool with it". Everyone has the moral right to decide what they do with thier body, when, and with who. You already know that. So, don't use herpes as your excuse to abuse someone else. It's just as weak a defense as any in attempting to justify hurting someone who trusted you. But more importantly, disclose because you deserve the chance to have a satisying, fulfilling love life (regardless of if this is the one or not). You deserve to be with someone (or people) who respect you, who appreciate you, and in ways that don't destroy your ability to respect and appreciate yourself. That comes hand in hand with both consent and refusing to accept excuses not to get it.

@HeyTotoro Thanks for the kind words and thanks for reading. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to have some good days and some not so great. It'll all settle into more good as time goes on. I'm also glad you are giving yourself permission to feel out the feelings and think the thoughts when you have to. Definitely important. Try not to wait on picking up and moving on. Try to keep doing things the way you have always done as much as you can without breaking at the seams. I may have been able to push myself at work and other stuff, but I also had a huge amount of support from my family and my girlfriend at the same time. Anyone can reasonably throttle back and withdrawal a bit, even if they are lucky enough to have the kinds of support I have. So take your time when you need to. Push yourself when you need to. But do it to earn back your own respect and appreciation, feeling like yourself is rooted very much in those things.

Sorry to read that things are unsteady. You are totally justified in wondering "how long do I wait". Even though that would be a terrible sentence to start a conversation with, it does boil down to a very important point. Your time and energy are valuable. You don't want to feel like you have wasted them. That said, he can't fake his way through the anxiety and fear he feels, nor should he. I'm sure you've had conversations about the situation. I wonder if they have been a matter of his voicing his fears in an honest way with you. Probably something to the effect of, " I see how you felt when you found out by surprise. I don't want to feel that way." And maybe, "I'm afraid that it might bring an end to a lifestyle I am very happy with." And to be fair, not only are those very common concerns, you could probably empathize directly in a lot of ways. It is worth asking if you have each gathered the courage, patience and understanding that it requires to have the really hard conversations that could clear up your uncertainty. Knowing that having that conversation could mean that you choose to part ways can be anxiety-inducing. But if each of you wants things to work, and trys to make things work, they will. It is certainly a matter of how much time it may take for him to accept the situation. But it is also a matter of him gainingvthe assurance that not only will you be there for him in the future, that it will be a fulfilling, loving future together. One where you are the same great you, and you feel it, know it and act like it. Likewise, where he will feel know and act the same. Quite the challenge on your hands. But if I could offer some personal experience: I had my first outbreak after dating my current girlfriend for a couple months. She got tested and was diagnosed as well soon after. We were straight forward and perfectly honest with each other. And it was tough. I asked her, "How did you get it? Did you know before we met?" She asked me, "Did you cheat? How many people have you slept with this year?" Those kinds of questions almost beg defensiveness and hostility. Absolutely feeling of resentment and suspicion ruled our instincts. It could have been a complete mess. But it wasn't. Because we took our time to speak honestly and bluntly, knowing feelings woulbbe hurt amd moods would be harsh. Then, we took the time to demonstrate empathy and compassion. She asked what she needed to ask, just as I did. And we answered with total honesty. It didn't settle things in just one conversation, and certainly didn't settle things the day after the last conversation we had about it. But it did immediately put our cards on the table and help us to decide what we were going to do about the situation. We tentatively agreed that it would be a shame for us to split up over JUST herpes. That if it were herpes and some other issues that would also ruin a relationship, then ot would make sense to break up. We did abstain for a long time. But because we had spoken so directly about what was up and how we felt, it didn't feel like endless waiting. We each knew the other needed some time to feel right about themself as well as about the other. And that can take a lot of introspection in addition to a lot of "feeling it out" when we were together. Things have worked out so far. About 8 months after, we are doing pretty well together and things are fun (except for the occasional normal relationship stuff). You can do that, too. But you both have to be ready to feel upset, or voice regrets or resentment in a way that doesn't add more accusation and hostility than absolutely necessary. Then you've got to empathize. Gather up these thoughts you wrote out into a brief set of direct questions. Expect that he will have even more questions that are even harder to ask and answer. And remember that there isn't any rulebook other than the one you write for yourself.

Seastar nailed it, It gradually gets easier. Someone once told me something that really helped me: Recovery isn't a constant state of improvement. It's a shakey, general trend. Feeling down sometimes is okay, and it's really good that you reached out when you felt like you needed some reassurance! We're all on your side, hoping you take the time to see what a great person you are. It won't be so tough forever. Herpes won't be your biggest problem for long either, I can assure you that work and the rest of life take a front seat again pretty quickly.

Well, it's been a few days and I haven't had that tough conversation with my girlfriend I had wanted to. Fact is that I just stopped feeling like it was so important. I will tackle that discussion eventually, but it really only manifests in my mind for a moment at a time, and not all that often. There is just so much more that is much more important to me. I actually was able to work out without feeling shame. And I realize that I often do exercise without any inner turmoil. It's just occasional conflict, and not overpowering. I'm beginning to cycle away from cardio and more into weightlifting again. Something that is very, very RegularGuy. He didn't go anywhere. Just went through a phase of temporary stuff. Also, I got to compare my blood pressure history with my dad. It's very similar in that his began to rise generally in his 30's, according to his memory. Either way, I will continue to compensate by cutting back on energy drinks and similar not so healthy habits. There are things I can do. Good things and bad. Healthy things and unhealthy. Fun things and lame things. Thanks to the RegularGuy of about 8 months ago for giving himself a chance to prove himself worthy. I would say in hindsight he was very worthy, if extremely foolish to doubt himself so badly, to judge himself so harshly.

This disease doesn't define you. These mistakes aren't an inevitable result of who you are. You already know all of this. You just haven't given yourself permission to see how valuable, desireable and worthy your whole self is, flaws included. I remember being hesitant to just say the words, "I have herpes" out loud. It felt like I would be shattering a glass windowpane that could never be put back together. But I had a couple phone calls to make when I first was diagnosed. I knew they would need to have a chance to know, to make their decisions based on knowing. So I called, got sent to voicemail and said the words out loud. I was surprised that it wasn't hard. I didn't cry, I realized it wouldn't break me even if I did choke up while saying the words. "It's RegularGuy. I just got diagnosed with type 1 genital herpes. You should get tested right away. If you are angry, I understand. If you have questions you want to ask, I will answer them. Please get tested as soon as you can." I blew right through saying it without much trouble, just like I had practiced a few times before making the call. It was a really big part in being able to gain some perspective on the virus and how I felt about myself. I felt bad for putting that kind of worry on another person, especially when I realized thise people had never been at risk fron me. But I was reassured that I was still capable of doing right, earning my own respect, and letting go of so much of the guilt and shame that threatened to overpower me. It was the first step of many that helped me to realize that I deserved to live, I deserved to seek some happiness, and that I could possibly live the kind of life I had always imagined. 8ish months later now, and I am doing just as well as I would have been if I had never been diagnosed. Not a single ounce of difference in who I am, what my day-to-day is like, or how I interact with others (except that maybe I am slightly less selfish and vain, maybe). You'll find the same is true for you. But you have to give yourself a chance to prove it in your own mind. We're all hoping for the best for you, and we're all here if you need to reach out! You did some things you don't feel great about, some things you don't want to do again. That's okay. As long as you decide to do the things that you know you should, that you really want, to get the things that are actually meaningful, not just superficial and temporary. It's okay. And at very least, I hope that if we don't hear from you it will be because you did things the way you want to and not the way fear and shame try to tell you to. But maybe soon you'll follow up with how you made the changes you needed to in order to be the person you deserve to be. I hope so.

That's a tough deal. I personally have "nightmares" that my girlfriend who did not know she had herpes tells me that she knew all along. It naggs at me sometimes, but we talked about that a lot when we first got our diagnosis. Seriously not awesome conversations ensued. But it boils down to either leaving that person or sticking with them. In my case, the jury is out on the moral side of the house. For you, it's different. Can you trust her going forward? Will she do harm through omission again? Can you be comfortable around her? Is it going to be as great gojng forward as it was despite the surprise? Tough questions. You have to decide for yourself.

Thank you for sharing that. It is important to accept responsibility for your actions and the impact they have on others, especially those closest to you. But you aren't hopless or lost. You can decide at any moment to do something good, as much as you can to decide to let fear or shame control your actions. Seeking those opportunities to do right by yourself and those you care about isn't like flipping a switch. Just like doing something you regret is not flipping a switch either. It's a moment-by-moment choice to either take action based on what is right for yourself and your loved ones or not. Making a few consecutive mistakes can often feel like turning away from those poor choices would be difficult, but the truth is that you won't ever have to (or be able to) walk backward step for step through all of those mistakes. Instead, it's more like taking an exit off the highway. You decide you will make a change, slow to give yourself a fair chance to take advantage of the next opportunity, then let the gradual grade of the road bring you onto a new street. That may be a bit too metaphorical, but the essence is that you can do the same when faced with a series of bad choices that bring guilt and regret down on you. Decide to stop following that pattern of behavior by changing your intentions. Decide where you want to arrive as a milestone in your journey. Seek the opportunities to take different actions, ones you will respect yourself for doing, appreciate yourself for doing. Then keep seeking those opportunities. You can start any time you want. Sooner is better than later. And it doesn't have to be Earth-shattering. Next time you open a door, turn to see if the next person to pass through might need a hand. Next time you buy something at a store, smile and say, "thanks". It's not much to anyone else, but it breeds a feeling of respect for yourself. When you're ready, tell this guy the truth. He does deserve to know and to make his own choices. You can give him his right to decide for himself back whenever you want. It is literally that easy. Assuming you take steps to avoid a physical confrontation, don't put yourself in harm's way. He won't be thrilled. You won't be thrilled. But you are bashing yourself with guilt and shame and fear already. When he knows. When you have decided to give him his right to decide back. When you have told him what he should know. Then, at least, you will have earned back some tiny, massive part of your own respect and admiration which you had sacrificed to play pretend at the life you had convinced yourself you couldn't have. Or didn't deserve. Because the truth is that you do deserve to be in a fulfilling, rewarding, honest and passionate relationship. You don't deserve to sabotage your happiness with manipulation and deceit. The saddest part of your story is not that you have herpes. The saddest part is not that you feel guilt, shame and fear. I can assure you everyone here shares in those struggles plenty. The saddest part is that you hurt someone who trusts you. That is the part that robbed you of your happiness. That is the part that buried you under guilt. And that was the one thing in all the things which you had the chance to decide. For your own happiness, for the kind of life you deserve, for the self-image which is so temporarily deminished, for the person you care about so much. Tell him. Let him have his right to decide back. Begin building the life you deserved, rather than the one you condemned yourself to. Stop flying past those highway exit ramps at 100 miles per hour. Slow down and seek the next opportunity.

You might need to consider cutting ties with this guy completely. Your description of the situation paints a picture of someone who is deceitful and selfish. Glad that you took your concerns directly to your doctor. Keep following their recommendations and keep them informed as things change. You seem to have a very strong will and are very resillient, you should be proud! Stay focused on the future. Because it will be a good future!

Thanks for sharing that! There is so much misery and fear in so many of the threads here. Understandably, once someone recovers from the initial onslaught of shame and fear, they move on. It's great to have someone post about the long term impact of Herpes. Not just to point out that things will be okay, but to touch on the realizations that helped you to overcome the initial struggle following diagnosis. So many people seem to believe they won't get to experience the great things you get to experience. If you care to stick around, could you help share with others the importance of seeing the good in themselves, disclosure, and focusing on how good the future will be when fear and shame don't control their decisions? It's a bit of a task to do it, but there are people who are really hurting, really confused that come here needing reassurance. We always appreciate a returning member who can answer the really important question and give personal advice about how to heal.

You're right, the statistics assume quite a lot and generalize pretty blatantly. The real situation is that the statistics won't predict the future. That's why disclosure and consent are absolutely vital to both the diagnosed person and the H- person. Basically, if an H- person comes into contact with the virus, they will contract it. The statistics only serve to prove the effectiveness of disclosure, taking suppression medicine and using condoms in reducing risk (not eliminating risk at any point for any person. There is always risk).

It's okay to insist that he take suppression medicine and use condoms. It's okay to insist that you see him take the medicine. It's okay to abstain completely, or to pick and choose what you do with your body and when. Your well-being and your peace of mind are important and taking steps to protect those as well as to avoid feelings of concern or regret is totally reasonable. The real situation is that there will always be risk of transmission. It might be statistically one thing or another. But the statistics won't predict the future for you. The fact of the matter is that if you come into contact with the virus, you will likely contract. All you can do is make your own decisions, and if you decide to be intimate, take steps to minimize risk. But know that no matter how careful, there is a chance that you could come into contact with the virus. Now, there are examples of people who have not transmitted for years in a monogamous relationship. But holding on to hope that it could never happen might lead to some serious disappointment. You just need to be prepared to make your own chouces and understand the implications. And don't wait until you are in "the heat of the moment" to decide. There are a lot of brain chemical things that happen and they all essentially erode the ability to analyze and weigh risk rationally. Kudos to him for disclosing before you actually meet! The guy you are talking about must be both kind and courageous. Those count for a lot.

It seems like you are dealing with a huge amount of inner conflict. I'm sorry to hear you've landed yourself in such a difficult position. I know I'm about to point out a bunch of stuff you already know, but I do have a point. That you aren't hopless, you have a lot to offer, obviously. From the way you are able to articulate your feelings and the circumstances which they spawn from, you clearly are intelligent, empathic and are ready to share a genuine level of trust and love with someone special. Every human being deserves the right to consent, knowing risk. And not just once, but every time should be consenting. If you care about him or his right to make his own decisions, you'll need tell him right away. You know that withholding the truth is manipulative and malicious. Equally importantly, You have to learn how to respect yourself. You've got to re-earn your own appreiation and admiration so that you can then empathise with your boyfriend and in turn respect and admire him. So many of your negative views of yourself are projected on him, impacting his well-being. But just because you struggle to see your own beauty and worth doesn't mean that you can disregard anyone else's, especially not someone who trusts you, cares about you. Your fear and lack of self-worth seem to be eating away at you, considering you are withholding information that effects a significant other's well-being and peace of mind. You have to stop beating yourself up over your shame and guilt and start seeing yourself as a valuable, desirable, worthy person. This guy cares about you. He trusts you and he admires you. Tell him. He deserves to know and to be given back the right to make his own decisions. It's a right that everyone deserves at a most basic level. Just like you deserve to have your peace of mind and your appreciation for yourself restored.