RegularGuy

Hey, thanks for reading. It means a lot. I'm having trouble trying to talk to my girlfriend about herpes recently. It's not anything important, I just want to find the words to tell her that it still makes me hurt sometimes, but that doesn't have anything to do with her or our relationship. I want to be able to seek some empathy without making her feel guilty or responsible. But it doesn't seem possible. She does great at being super supportive and kind all the time. I don't want her to have to think about how her not knowing ahead of time caused me this kind of pain. She's so empathic, she'd be torn up about it all over again. But I've been feeling shame lately. I had the thought cross my mind again for the first time in a while, "Why exercise? you are permanently flawed. Why try to cover up your shame? You are not worthy of desire." It's pretty lame to have those thoughts just inject themselves in an otherwise normal day. It makes me angry that this kind of thinking interrupts what was once my very ritualistic exercise. I get no piece of mind today from exercise. And I am somehow less myself for it. Fuckin herpes taking away my sense of self. I used to be able to smash this kind of doubt under huge amounts of exhaustion. My ritual used to be the only way I could cope sometimes. I drag this stupid vurus and the psycholical baggage. It won't last for more than a few minutes at a time anymore. But I want to talk to my girlfriend about it without bringing the same kind of pain down on her. Absolutely she deserves to be content over myself. If I could think of a way to talk to her about it without dragging her down. Shame, shame, shame. I used to be overflowing with pride. I still get to be most of the time. I just miss out on it sometimes.

Welcome to the club, sorry you had to join. We have all felt all of these things. Rest assured that your shame, sorrow and anger are temporary. It won't take long for you to find out you are still the same great person you've been wprking on becoming. Nothing is lost, nothing is ruined. To answer your questions: Your life hasn't changed much. You have some work to do to learn to appreciate yourself, but what 17 year old doesn't struggle with that? The only difference is that you'll just be better at washing your hands, probably take suppression medicine, and choosing who you disclose to and subsequently have sex with. It's not complicated. Yes, your niece is totally fine. You can hang out with her, you can hold her. Depending upon the location of your infection, sharing drinks might be out, but thats not a big deal. You don't have to talk to your mom about it. In fact, part of becoming your own person is picking and choosing what you talk to your parents about sometimes. And your life is far from over. There are a billion awesome things out there waiting for you to experience. One of the hardest parts of being recently diagnosed is having a very negative view of the future. Fight that. Realize that herpes isn't going to stop you from doing anything you want to do. It's realistically not even a hurdle to goals and aspirations. It may seem that way, but it's just an illusion. Yes, what you are feeling is profound and very real. But your fears and anxiety are just a temporary symptom that don't hold up to the real situation at all. Start working on being anon1 and doing anon1 things. Be kind to the people closest to you. Seek opportunities to be there for them. It'll remind you that you are valuable and worthy of affection. Plan to do something fun for yourself, something you can get excited about. If you can't think up anything, ask your dad to help. Considering you turned to him, he will understand you need to feel what it's like to look forward to something. Make a plan to do that thing soon, look forward to it, and remember that feeling. It wil become very common again soon. Take good care of yourself. If you need to lay in bed for a day, do it. Likewise, If you're laying in bed, wishing there were something to pull you out of it, get up and go find that thing. And remember not to let yourself dwell on "how"" and "why". They are a bottomless pit of anger and sadness. If you have to think about that stuff, do it. But let the thinking be done when it's done and steer your thoughts toward the future. Make it a good future, one where you get to feel some contentment. It you need to talk, or you find yourself struggling to steer your train of thought towaed positive things, reach out to someone close. If you can't, consider posting in the "herpes buddies" thread. We're all on your team, rooting for you to get to feel like yourself again. We know it's totally possible, it's just a matter of a little time and a little effort. You're going to do all the things you always wanted to do, all the things you've been working toward. That's a fact. Start by training yourself to regain the pride, self-image, and confidence you have so temporarily forgotten.

You are investing a lot of brain power into this guy. Is he worth the trouble? Are you going to feel like your time and energy were well spent, even if things don't work out in the long run? A "No" to either of these questions should be taken seriously. Especially the second thing. It's easy to invest a whole lot of hope and expectations into a single person, but everyone always turns out to be human once you really get to know them. The only recommendations I can give are that you're just going to have to disclose before getting intimate and that you'll have to respect his right to make his own decisions. In the meantime, it might help to avoid investing too much in one person that you've spoken to for a few weeks. It's okay to date a few people, or just talk to a few people in order to lessen the level of anxiety involved with dating. The only rules are to protect yourself and disclose so you can get real consent before getting physical. Pretty much everything else is up to you. Including what distance is acceptable, frequency of dates, whether phone calls are allowed, and what pace you set for moving forward with any individual. So maybe that's not at all helpful to you. Maybe you haven't given yourself permission to date the way you want to.

Your explanation is far less important than the act of making the disclosure. She will recognize your need to explain your withholding this information as exactly what it is. While she may or may not understand the kind of inner conflict you have endured in your effort to try to build a meaningful relationship, she will at least recognize that you are trying your best. If your best effort isn't good enough, then that's that.

The longer you put it off, the worse it will be for your anxiety. Worse for your sense of right. You've got to gather up your courage and do this. Avoiding a situation you know is inevitable is foolish. You know you're either going to disclose, or you're going to fail to do so and suffer the backlash. You are actively sabotaging yourself by putting this off. You deserve to have an awesome relationship. You deserve to be accepted, admired and appreciated. Not just for how you guardedly present yourself, but for what you are entirely. You are stopping that from happening by being timid and letting fear make decisions for you. It won't get you what you deserve, it'll only get you some temporary comfort if you keep the issue hidden. Have some self respect and see how valuable you are. You have so much good to offer someone who is really special. Go freaking get it. It's waiting. And don't try to fool yourself into thinking she hasn't picked up on the fact that you're withholding some secrets. Likely, some good and some not so thrilling. But you're going to have to het past the difficult part so you can get to the good stuff.

If you plan to be, or think you likely will be physical with someone, disclose first. Other than that, if you aren't putting them at risk by making physical contact and don't intemd to do so, disclosure wouldn't be so pressing of an issue. However, if you are going to invest time and effort into building a relationship, there will eventually be a point where it is necessary to disclose anyway.

You should definitely take your medication (amd anything that comes with a prescription for that matter) exactly as prescribed. There are a million variables that contribute to a doctor choosing your specific dosage. If you feel like your dosage is incorrect, you should talk to your doctor about it.

Well, if he is aware that he is putting in max 80%, he may likely be struggling with some internal thoughts and feelings about himself. The defeatist attitude is sadly very common. I know a few people that struggle in that way just about every day. There are a lot of underlying causes behind why someone will not do the few simple things they need in order to get the results they want. It turns into anxiety, shame, and depression sometimes, but always manifests as apathy or excuse-making. When it's a loved one suffering from this kind of disinterest or inability to grow, evolve and succeed, it can be both heartbreaking and very frustrating. I'm sorry to hear that the investment of effort probably isn't even in your relationship. That's something I don't know how to navigate myself. It leaves one feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. But you can't expect another person to be coherced into behaving differntly or thinking didferently. Interactions with a significant other are very much rooted in projecting ones feelings about themself.

I get you. Very difficult to get the whole picture from a single post. It sounds like ol dude leans toward a certain style of handling his own emotions and communication of them in a way that might not be so easy for you to empathize with and navigate. Unfortunately, none of us dudes are really good at things like empathy and compassion, especially when we feel scrutiny of those closest to us. Becoming defensive and evasive is a common struggle. I had a little taste of this dynamic with my girlfriend just today. Not the same context, but I began minimizing and deflecting the significance of my actions, only to realize that I was doing so to avoid responsibility and end the conversation quickly. It feels like turning a huge amount of momentum around to reverse that instinctive behavior and let empathy be more important than justifying. A little effort goes a long way, though. All that said, there is a possibility that your husband's behavior is more than simply typical of the gender. Either that he feels futility outweighs progress, or that he genuinely fears the conclusions of such conversations might be worse than letting the issues stand. There is a lot of long term effort to be invested in assuring a significant other that difficult conversations won't spoil the relationship, only help to grow a level of closeness. That's a pretty steep hill to climb, one that I certainly have not ever achived in any relationship, current one included. While things might be trucking along fine, I see my girlfriend's hesitation to approach honest expression of disapproval as a flaw on my part for not having assured her through my reactions and behavior that those discussions will turn out fine. That is all to point out that we all have some stuff to work on both internally and toward our partners that will likely be a life long endeavor. But the bottom line is that both people have to try. It seems like you feel like you are giving a 100% effort and him less, netting zero communication or close to it. I have felt the same way in the past, and it is very frustrating. It is an obstacle that can be overcome, and maybe one on one counseling might help. But you have to believe that there is a solution that doesn't involve the properties of the universe changing, that he will still be him and you will still be you. Just better aware of how your individual words and actions are received. It sounds like you have been working on that for a while. Do you feel like your husband is working on it as well?

First step, Talk to your husband. You may need to start by cutting the marriage counseling sensativity angle and attempting to reach a genuine level of communication centered around blunt honesty. For example, have you sat down together and discussed how you felt when you were diagnosed? Have you asked the really scary, difficult questions like "did you know?" "Were you always faithful?" And "why are we letting herpes become the center of our feelings toward eaxh other, rather than focusing on what brought us together in the first place?" Those kinds of questions in the sterile counseling environment get some very different answers than what is bluntly true. If you have done thise things, was the conversation dominated by careful adherence to rules of pleasantries, or did you allow each other to express sadness, disappoinent and regret? Obviously, take all this advice carefully. I've never been married, and my relationships may all be a mess of debacle and shambles. But, when what you are trying so far hasn't worked for a long time, it may be time to approach issues differntly. Give each other permission to be human beings and not chaste examoles of undying political correctness, or clinical platitudes. If you haven't worked past your diagnosis, you haven't communicated about it. Just be prepared for some serious challlenges of patience, understanding and empathy. Because I guarantee that's what effective communication takes. If no subject is truely taboo, hurt us going to happen.

How and why can be a perilous rabbit hole of anger and sadness. Better to focus on making the future one you look forward to. All this he said, he did, I discovered, I can't figure out noise is static that will only prevent you from drawing the kinds of conclusion you eventually need to reach. That is, what will you do to make the future a good one? How do you feel about your self-image?

Sounds like you need a better doctor. Seriously, these are some rudimentary questions and any doctor should be easily prepared to answer. Now, if you simply doubt the validity of the test results, only your own research can change that. But, Yes you can contract both. Yes there is a slim chance you might accidentally not transmit the virus, just like you might actually do just that. Yes, it is possible to have contracted the virus and not know it. Your frustration may get in the way of your ability to research the quality of the kind of tests you took and what the numbers on the paper mean. But if your doctor is certain that you are positive for herpes, they are probably right. Now the important thing is not how or why. The important questions are how do you feel about your self-image and about your future? What will you do to make that future a good one?

I might be mistaken about which school, but I think Princeton did a study that corellated herpes with Alzheimer's. However, another school debated the correlation due to the prevalence of herpes in people of the age where Alzheimer's becomes an issue. Herpes is very common, and is hard to correlate to any health effects in the long term due to so many coincidental variables. The bottom line I read up on way back in the day (we're talking 2010 or earlier) was that it would make sense for a virus that attacks nerves and moves along nerve pathways to effect brain function eventually. But that brain function would deteriorate eventually, regardless of pathogens present. Basically, even when humans are extending life through medical practice and robot legs and such, our brains will only operate so well for so long. So the slow, long term effects of something like herpes is either non-existent, or much too subtle to study yet. I was just throwing out perposterous scenarios to emphasize that fear is both a fact of life, and a matter of imagination. The more creative you are, the more you have to fear. Likewise, the more creative you are, the more you realize the futility of wrapping yourself up in bubble wrap and wearing a tinfoil hat.

You could see it that way. You could also stress about the fact that herpes has been linked to Alzheimer's. Or you could die in a car accident tomorrow. Or a meteor could desteoy the planet next year. Truth is, we only get to worry about living to be 70 years old because we were lucky enough to be born in the modern era. Another thousand years, and people will be stressing about turning 200 and the mortgage prices on mars. Live the best you know how so that when you do live to be 80 years old, you'll still be doing jumping jacks and not worried about out-living your retirement savings.

I have zero knowledge of how the medicine works. That would be a good question for a doctor or a pharmacist. However, I suspect that it takes time for the medicine to build up in your body and then for your immune system to respond, and then to get the virus under control. Possibly days, possibly weeks or months. I have no clue. Managing symptoms and balancing side effects is an important and personal choice. Whatever you do, disclose to your partner and if you choose to only take medicine occasionally, make sure your partner lnows that is not usual, and not how it is prescribed. Consent is what matters in this situation. Telling your partner that you do not take medicine as prescribed is absolutely vital. They must be aware of risk, and they must understand the implications.

The fact is that you can get both on any part of your body that is exposed to the virus. Likelihood of transmission and infection might change based on circumstances, but the risk is never zero. You can both take suppression medicine, use condoms,, and you can abstain during an outbreak. But there wil be some degree of risk no matter what. I only state it so harshly because misinformation can lead to some terrible heartbreak. Talk to your doctor about minimizing risk so that you can both get back to having fun without setting yourselves up for some major surprises.

Casual stuff is totally possible. Disclose, take steps to mitigate risk of transmission and worry less. A user who seems to be less active here, hippyherpy used to promote casual sex whole-heartedly, as long as disclosure is the priority. He stated hundreds of times that you would be surprised that many people who are both attractive and desireable are also comfortable with herpes enough to accept a little risk. Because the truth is we all accept that risk whether we know it or not. Case and point, you didn't know, just like a lot of people don't know. At least, you can tell your partners there is risk and you can use condoms and take suppression medicine to reduce risk significantly. Don't let the anxiety and fear stop you from living the way you want to. As long as you get consent and aren't trying to harm anyone, you won't have anything to feel guilty about.

Thanks for sharing. It's good to catch up on tje medical research occasionally. I would add the disclaimer that research has been fruitless for a very long time now. That holding off on life plans to wait for cures and vaccines is probably a poor choice. But hoping to stop the spread of the virus isn't inherently bad. For now, as always, we will have to wait and see what happens.

You have some decisions amd some options to approach the situation with. You can certainly stil enjoy casual sex, but you'll have to figure out disclosing wich seems like it would be a little challenging in a group setting. I haven't ever participated in anything like that, but I imagine standing on the coffee table and making an announcement would be as embarrassing as it would be effective. It sounds like you chose to abstain from those occasions. Probably a good choice, but you clearly are a little torn on the issue. The third choice would be to separate yourself from the groups that get together in that way. It would require some lifestyle changes and not hanging out with some friends, but it would eliminate having to sit and listen to discussions about things you no longer participate in. For your own sake, think about what you want to be surrounded by. Not everyone in NYC is part of that group, you simply associate the lifestyle and the group of friends with living in NYC. If you want to participate, disclose and seek acceptance. Take steps to mitigate risk of transmission and let others make their decision about risk. If you can't or won't do that, maybe for your own sanity, you might need to start building a new circle with a different attitude toward sex. You certainly don't need to and shouldn't have to subject yourself to such clear torment. Having found myself having drinks with friends who did have conversations similar to that, realizing they would do so regularly when they got together, I simply excluded myself when certain individuals met up. Eventually, life careied me away from that circle and toward new friends with more similar interests and lifestyle to my own. Maybe that's not the best option for you, but it worked out naturally that way for me. Personally, I'm never one to care to hear about another person's sex life. Unless they are telling me how great sex with me was, haha!

8ish month update: Life is seriously all about that slow, incremental progress. Anything worth while tends to be that way. Learn one lesson. Gain one skill. Do it better next time. Find another method. Evaluate what you did, how it worked out and what you can do differently. Once you know what to do, keep cranking at it until the damn thing is done. I wish I could take my own advice better, haha! I'm impatient, I change my mind 99% of the way to completion of a goal and I stomp my foot and pout about wanting things to be different. But I do one thing right. I refuse to lie to myself. I don't take excuses as justification for giving myself a break. If I don't like my waistline, it's because I gave myself too much leeway on snacks and skipped out on the crunches. There is no two ways about it, whether age or genetics made it just a little harder this year than last. That's how I treat myself in my own head. It might be tyrannical. It might be a little harsh. To some. But for me, it's just what I need. There is a fearful, weak, sorry sack of lazy garbage lurking deep within me. He occasionally tries to justify initiating an argument with a loved one, or to justify cutting corners on the job. I don't need to feel ashamed of it. That's a part of human nature. I just need to identify when it's leading into some form of unhealthy or destructive train of thought. Then take action to get things back in line with how I choose for them to be. Being diagnosed with herpes gave fuel to that part of me and it threatened to drag my entire syche down with it. I was ashamed to think that way so readily. The shame I felt over thinking that way fed the part of me that could undermine me. What an epic battle against the perfect enemy, huh? It's like the cliche battle against the evil twin from TV. Only it's not a cliche when you find your instincts and your fears turned into the most prevailant part of your mind. It's pretty depressing in reality. How did I wrangle all that inner termoil into place again? I'm not really sure I could put it into words. I can give examples of my actions and my thoughts, but I can't describe the method or the mood. Refusing to act on ideas formed by that unlikable part of me was a big factor in regaining my sense of self. Idenifying what was an acceptable deciding factor and what was self-pity was another contributor. It takes time to influence such a subconscious beast. It doesn't understand words, and it doesn't care much for reality. It turns reflexive thoughts into depressing notions and dreams into anxiety-feeding weirdness. Only consistent behavior and an intentional mindset can really have any effect when that part of your mind starts trying to make the decisions. Even though the song is way over played and I actually kind of hate Incubus, their song "Drive" kind of hits the nail on the head.

As a dude. You did make a mistake, even if to try to patch a wound. You still didn't "deserve" the outcome. I can understand your sadness and your anger may be effecting your self-image to the point of fearing you will never be you again. I felt that pain, man. But remind yourself that those feelings are temporary. You're going to keep being you, and you're going to get your strength and your pride back. Test yourself if you need proof, examine your ability to perform at work, witness that nothing is any easier or harder. Test your ability to be a decent guy who opens doors for those who need a hand, and let's others merge when they need to make a lane change in traffic. You'll see that you can influence other people in a way that is meaningful, just by being ready and making a small gesture of respect. If you can do those things, which you definitely can, you can find reasons to regain your own respect and admiration. The old markh didn't go anywhere. He is just struggling with some real thoughts and emotions that have him feeling down. But that won't last long. Try to find something to do that will get you excited, whether it's seeing a movie, going to a concert, picking up that dusty old guitar, or putting those aftermarket parts on your car. Let yourself be excited about the idea of it. Make a solid plan to do that thing really soon. Feel the anticipation and hope for the future build. Then remember that feeling and know that you will feel it again about all kinds of great things! Keep your thoughts turned away from sadness, anger and shame. Think those thoughts when you have to, but try not to dwell on them. Instead, try to steer your mind toward that positive future you know will come. Do things that help make the good stuff possible. It:ll get a easier as time goes on. You'll still struggle sometimes, but it will be less difficult and last for shorter duration more and more until you'll eventually realize that you've felt okay long enough to find yourself feeling like old mikeh again. Trust me, herpes won't be the biggest deal for you soon. Soon, you'll be worried about the same stuff that you used to worry about. Like whether those jeans can hold out another day before a wash, and how you wish the final season of Game of Thrones would hurry up and release already.

Doesn't hurt. My doctor did explicitly tell me that washing with regular soap and water is enough to effectively kill the virus. So i say go for it.

Good on you for taking suppression medicine! I hope you are committed to disclosing 100%. Just as much for your own benefit as anyone else's. To answer the Valtrex question: I have read lots of criticism of Valtrex. Different people react to the various brands of medicine differntly, but Valtrex is a pretty common offender from what I read on this site. You should ask your doctor to change brands to control symptoms and side effects better. Valacyclovir is the name of the generic drug in all these various brands. Valtrex, Alacyclovir are the most common brand names. It could just be a random outbreak, but if you don't trust the brand you are on, it's reasonable to change brands just to see how it works for you.

Yeah, it's possible to transmit HSV-1 (likely the type of herpes that cause your 'bump'), even without symptoms. It is important to disclose. Even though cold sores are super common, telling a potential partner anout it before getting intimate and abstaining during out break are important. If transmitted to a partner's genitals, they may be deeply emotionally effected by the sudden surprise of symptoms and subsequent diagnosis. Even though it's temporary, the pain, shame, fear, anger, and loss of sense of identity are very real and very difficult. However, in the situation you described it seems best to recommend your partner be tested and not freak out. The anxiety surrounding herpes is much worse than the virus itself. You can tear yourself apart with fear and guilt if you let the virus become an excuse to make poor decisions and keep secrets from people you are close with or just casually physical with.

I understand man. The stigma and the social structure you live in both compound each other. You got dealt a real shitty hand, and you don't deserve it. You won't be able to control the "he said, she said" dynamic. And you won't be able to know who will tell what and when. But herpes only defines you if you let it. And people you know in college are not all seeking opportunities to spread rumirs about you. You might need to date outside your circle. You might even need to avoid dating people you see in class often. But that's not necessarily the case. You can run potential partners througha quick evaluation of what you think their intentions are and how likely they are to try to harm you by spreading rumors and secrets. In all reality, do you want to waste your time and energy persuing the girl who will tell all her friends you have a small penis? Cuz she's the same one who would tell them you have herpes, or even invent lies like how pretentious you are, or how uncharismatic you are. Herpes can become a filter that helps you determine who you let close, and who you become intimate with. It can prevent you from the issues that can come from dating, or just sleeping with "the crazy ones".