Once supportive partner, now not so supportive

[misskellyrenee]

So I disclosed to my current partner the day I got diagnosed and he seemed pretty supportive, said he would get tested and said he would need a bit of time and space to figure things out.

 

Cut to now, he is basically nonexistant. No messages about how I am doing or anything. I have been trying to reach out to him to see how he is doing and find out when he is getting tested.

 

He finally responded yesterday saying he would be getting tested this thursday and that he's taking time to figure out what it all means for him and how things are going to change, etc. He said he knows he is going to test positive.

 

This is part rant and part question.

 

I don't know how to handle this situation. I have told him that I would love him no matter what the result was and that I am here for him. I have told him that it's been hard for me too. Still, no talk, no venting, and no asking me how I have been doing.

 

I have been going back to all my old partners within the last 4 years to determine if anyone had it, and a few have told me they don't and others are getting tested still. I have a feeling that my current partner is the one who gave it to me, as this was my first outbreak and certainly the most painful and it happened within 2 weeks of me and him sleeping together.

 

I'm trying to give the guy a break- this shit is difficult and we all handle it in our own way. However, it sucks to not have a partner in this. I can get sympathy from friends but I have no one who is going through the same exact thing as I am here with me and it blows.

 

I just don't really know what to do.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Sounds like he's being a douche. But maybe he is a good guy that is just confused and scared right now and will stop being so selfish and say hey how are you doing today. Some people don't deal with their emotions very well and have a hard time coping with bad changes in their life and sometimes unintentionally get so wrapped up in their own crap they forget to say hey how are you. Keep being a strong capable woman. Maybe this will all pass and he will man up about the situation or maybe better things will come your way. Will be hoping best for you

 

[misskellyrenee]

Yeah, he is kinda being a douche, huh?

He can be such a sweet guy, and at the very beginning he was more concerned about if my life was in danger, if there was anything else going on, etc.

Now, even though he said he was not ignoring me, I still feel pushed to the side.

[NSgreenville]

I feel for you. I had a similar situation. I found out I had it and in turn found out she gave it to me (she did not know at the time). Rather than be mad at her I tried to be supportive and let her know she didn't have to go through it alone. She then text me said her test results were positive and she was moving away. A little humor My friend and I laugh because she took my favorite hoodie when she left and I was more concerned with getting that back.

 

Not to defend him but some people cope differently, sounds like he closes himself off. All you can do is let him know is that you're there for him if he wants. But at the end of the day you always have us here. Stay strong

[misskellyrenee]

Yeah, I am trying to give him the space to figure it out meanwhile letting him know that I am here for him.

[Aerial2013]

My situation is a bit different in details of how I got it and the partners reaction... However, feeling like no one gets it but the people who have/are going through it...SPOT ON! How could they? I would like to share with you, though, that for me, learning to be ok with JUST me is VERY important to me right now. Once I made my mind up (yes just LAST weekend, lest you think I'm SO wise and have been at this forever! HA) to be ok being single for a while and hanging out on here and other sites where I can meet H+people who understand and have experience to share, something was relieved in me. I guess I felt a sense of relief that with EVERYthing else I'm dealing with at the hand of this <*|£~'|£<^{*{><^} virus...degraded love doesn't have to be added to the list. Never again do I want a partner just for the sake of not being alone. I want to be with someone because we truly value and respect each other in our journeys! Sounds like philosophical, romantic crap I suppose, but let me tell ya...The last thing I ever expected to find/feel with this new diagnosis was self-respect. Yet WOW! I'm seeing it settling in just a week after reaching out and getting advice based on experience! Best wishes to you! Nice to meet you, and I'll look forward to hearing if this emotionally unavailable man changes his approach to life as you guys go through this.

[misskellyrenee]

I got to talk to him tonight for a couple of hours about everything other than herpes. I am figuring out that the way to be there for him is to distract him, take his mind off things and get him talking about other stuff.

 

Proves that he isn't ignoring me, but that he really is just thinking about the hard stuff on his own- but he knows I am here and that is important. It can be sorted out later and we can talk about how to compromise on that at a different time.

[misskellyrenee]

He continued to blow me off and be unsupportive so I am no longer contacting him.

He was supposed to contact me to tell me about whether or not he was positive and if he had anything else by yesterday or today and I have not heard from him.

I do not wish to ever be together again.

[Pacific]

Dear Miss Kelly,

 

I am so sorry that this man has turned out to be a bitter disappointment. I am sorry that in a moment when you needed him to step up, be selfless, and caring, he basically failed to rise to your standard of conduct (because it sounds like you handled a difficult situation as gracefully and honestly as you could). Something very similar happened to me, so I feel your pain and frustration. But I'm also proud of you and cheering you on! You realized that he was acting poorly; you realized that you deserved better; and you didn't turn a bad moment into something worse by hating yourself or blaming yourself. You have shown yourself to be a strong person who can overcome a challenging situation. I am rooting for you. But I'm already confident that you're a winner. I hope you find a man who realizes that too (which I'm pretty sure you will, because you won't settle for less!).

 

Sending you lots of love. And beaming with pride at your self-love and self-confidence!

 

[misskellyrenee]

Thank you so much! That really brightened my day!

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Aw kelly I'm sorry he didn't man up. A strong woman however should never settle for a weak man. He sounded like a whiner lol. Now you don't have to put up with his whining lol

[misskellyrenee]

True. His method sounded like he was doing PR. "Im not focusing on the past anymore." "I am learning to deal with the consequences" "I am focusing on my health and on moving forward." Very fake things, very surface level.

He doesn't understand that handling it alone is not the best thing to do, but even if he does get it eventually, I won't be there. He screwed that up.

[NexisLexis]

Miss Kelly,

So sorry to hear that he just could not man up. I was diagnosed last week, and told my husband that what it was he became very supportive. we just got married a month ago. and by having this we hav become closer. what a missed opportunity for that man to ditch you like that.

 

[misskellyrenee]

Yeah for sure, and really, if it wasn't this then it would have been something else.

[misskellyrenee]

Lately I've wondered about this guy. He never told me whether or not he had H.

We've spoken once when I drunkenly, and still eloquently asked him about what we were when we dated, and he surprisingly responded.

Not long after the disappointment of his emotionally abandoning me, I cut him off and told him to never contact me.

It could just be that I've been lonely, and still haven't been on a date since getting diagnosed. I just can't seem to find the desire for another guy (even though my libido is still in full swing).

I just don't know what is going on with me, why I feel such a need to contact a man who let me down.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

He is your giver. I'm the same way. I've gotten much better about him leaving me and not giving a shit that he did it. But I do have my days still where I want to explode from the inside out and go beat the shit out of him or post flyers or watch him burn in a fiery automobile wreck. (If you can't tell, I'm right there with you.) but! The feeling passes, everytime and I have good days again. It's natural to want this person. To care. Be there. Love you. Support you. You are lonely, and it hurts being lonely and going through things with no support. You will likely always have some kind of pull towards him there. I believe I will. But I also believe it only keeps you down to keep dwelling. I've done it for 5 months. It isn't healthy.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Aerial2013

 

Never again do I want a partner just for the sake of not being alone. I want to be with someone because we truly value and respect each other in our journeys! Sounds like philosophical, romantic crap I suppose, but let me tell ya...The last thing I ever expected to find/feel with this new diagnosis was self-respect.

 

Just had to say I LOVE this!!!!

 

@misskellyrenee

 

We all want answers.... we all want to know WHY. Why did you leave? WHY are younot contacting me? WHY have you not told me your status? It's human nature to want answers. But he's proven he is not capable of being VULNERABLE with you. Likely he is ashamed of both having H and giving it to you...and embarrassed men (in my experience) tend to shut down.

 

Right now I would say, "get back on the horse" and just start dating...or at least going out with friends and guys who you may find attractive. You keep looking behind you, in the past, for a happiness that isn't there.

 

There's a great saying

 

"If you are sad, you are living in the past ... if you are worried, you are living in the future...if you are content, you are living in the present"

 

Time to let the past go and get present with yourself my friend :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[misskellyrenee]

It's been about 5 months since I got diagnosed and since I heard from him.

I've been trying dating sites again but I just can't get into anyone. I find very very few guys attractive right now, which is rare for me.

I have some friends here in LA that I am trying to go out with but it's hard, the friends I've had the longest are back 8 hours away in NorCal. They are aware of my situation and I can at least talk to them about it.

[misskellyrenee]

It's been about 5 months since I got diagnosed and since I heard from him.

I've been trying dating sites again but I just can't get into anyone. I find very very few guys attractive right now, which is rare for me.

I have some friends here in LA that I am trying to go out with but it's hard, the friends I've had the longest are back 8 hours away in NorCal. They are aware of my situation and I can at least talk to them about it.

[Sparklepony]

Basically, just let him go. People deal with things in their own way and unfortunately his happens to be to ignore it. You can't change how he acts so you might as well just write it off as a lesson.

 

I agree with @thisisgoingtobeokay, his actions speak volumes. I would assume he is the giver. Regardless, you did the right thing by telling him. That's all you can do girl.

[WCSDancer2010]

I've been trying dating sites again but I just can't get into anyone. I find very very few guys attractive right now, which is rare for me.

 

Perhaps this is an unconscious way that you are getting choosier ... The more I work on myself, the pickier I am about the men I will allow into my life. I read their profiles carefully and ask questions early on that will tell me a lot about them... I go on fewer dates but I don't have any "scary" stories or bad experiences either... I make it clear from day one... I'm looking for a life partner, I want to get to know them first, and I don't give up the goods on the first date. I look for quality dates now...not quantity ;)

 

It will get better over time...promise :)

[misskellyrenee]

I am at a point where i want something serious and had thought I'd found it with this guy, so that being said, I'm on the relationship track.

It is also possible, this just isn't the season for good looking men haha!

But yeah, I haven't had to disclose to another partner yet and a part of me wants to get that over with so I can get the first disclosure after my ex out of the way.

That guy was a coward, at the end of the day I could say that I was there for him and selfless when I didn't have to be. It takes a crisis to figure out the character of someone in your life. The either step up or step out.

[WCSDancer2010]

That guy was a coward, at the end of the day I could say that I was there for him and selfless when I didn't have to be. It takes a crisis to figure out the character of someone in your life. The either step up or step out.

 

And THAT sounds like someone who is starting to starting to love themselves enough to know when to walk away :)

 

Pat yourself on the back for that.... and the time for your first disclosure will come soon enough ;)

[Sparklepony]

Miss Kelly, it's an amazing thing to realize huh? How someone acts when shit gets real is the biggest reveal of who they are, and sometimes it even reveals who you are to yourself. It's easy to be angry towards someone who has a negative effect on you, even more so when it's a life long situation. It's how you chose to handle it that makes all the difference. I told the person who gave me this, I couldn't stand the thought of it being passed onto someone else if he didn't know. His actions screamed that he knew he had it and either thought I wouldn't get it or just didn't care. I chose to believe that he figured I wouldn't get it and was too afraid to tell me. While the conversation went about as pleasant as that kind of conversation could go, it made me realize that I didn't think he was as muh of a fit for me as I did before. No anger, no bad feelings, just a realization that we weren't a match. I still think he's a wonderful guy, just not the wonderful guy for me. Anger will only serve it's purpose if you can realize when it's time to stop being angry. Once things are to a point where you can't change them then a mentality of how can I work through this needs to replace the anger.

 

Dancer is right, that was a statement by someone learning to love themselves through their struggles. Which might be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. The more you love yourself, the more the right people will follow your example and love you. Everyone else just falls to the sidelines at that point and out of your way.

 

Damn I love this site!!

[misskellyrenee]

Another interesting thing, is that i learned that my family has an autoimmune disorder hat runs in the family, essentially if we don't get enough rest and if we are stressed, we get sick right away. I am always getting canker sores it seems.

That being said, I know that had I had this any sooner I probably would have presented at that point.

I'm not angry at him for giving it to me because being angry at that doesn't change anything. It's more a combination of missing him (as weird as that sounds) and still wondering what his status is.

I haven't been beating myself up over herpes in a long time, and I recently got on the antivirals so it is even less of an issue. It is background at this point where I always know I have it but I can forget I have it all at the same time. So it's not necessarily causing me to love myself through struggle nor is it causing me to hate myself.

Like I said before, I'm just still feeling this push pull towards him. I know I don't want to be with him again but there are times where I want to know what he's gone through, if he even had it. I want an I'm sorry.