Disclosure after sex. Seeking Advice

[herpaderp123]

Hey everyone,

I'm going to be brutally honest here as I trust this is a no judgment zone. I'm in a situation where I feel like I know what I should do but I just need some support or advice.

So I used to always disclose my HSV2 status but I haven't been this past year. I have some friends who never disclose and I guess I wanted to see what that was like. I also wasn't looking for anything serious so that was also part of my decision. Honestly, it was a nice change. Anyway, I've been having a romantic stint with my 1st high school girlfriend. We're in our 30s now. She lives in Canada and I live in the United States and we've been rendezvousing in various cities. Serious romcom stuff haha. Needless to say, we've been hooking up. She came to visit me this past week and we were having sex every night. No condom but I'm on anti-virals. On the 5th day of her visit (day before yesterday) I woke up with an "outbreak". To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's an outbreak. It was pretty small and easily could've been a friction burn or something. But regardless I was worried. Made up some excuse about how I wasn't feeling well and didn't have sex for the rest of her trip. Just dropped her off at the airport this morning. 

So I feel like shit. I can tell she trusts and thinks very highly of me but I've obviously broken that trust. Given the "outbreak", it's probably likely that I exposed her. I didn't have the balls to tell her while she was here cause I figured she was staying with me and I still had to drop her off and maybe it wasn't worth mentioning because it takes two weeks before testing works anyways. Bad or good decision? I have no idea.

One question I ask myself is would I be feeling this way if I didn't have the outbreak? The likely answer is no if I'm honest. I know that's immoral but it's also the truth. As much as I like her, I know there isn't any true long term compatibility for me to pursue something beyond casual.

Regardless, I feel like I should tell her so she can take the appropriate steps to get tested. I'd have to do it over the phone obviously. My preference would be to be 100% honest about the whole situation but does anyone ever worry about legal action being taken against them? Anytime I'm on reddit and someone admits they didn't disclose the comments are flooded with advice to take legal action. There was even a case recently where someone got sued for 900,000 dollars. One thing I've considered is just telling her I tested positive on a routine check up after she left, having had multiple partners recently, and that she should thereby get checked out. Pretty cowardly but better than getting sued. Or I could do nothing and wait to see if she contacts me regarding an outbreak. Even more immoral but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind.

Let me say this. I don't think I'm a bad person but I acknowledge I've made some ethically questionable decisions. It was nice to not disclose for this past year but I can also see that it can actually complicate things vs make them easier now. The whole topic of disclosure is pretty gray in my opinion but I’m now in a situation where things are a little more black and white.

So what is your input/advice? Please don’t shame me or put me down. It isn’t helpful. I decided to be insanely honest in this post and include my, I guess you could say, darker thoughts that we are all prone to having. I am going to tell her in all likelihood but could use support or advice on how I should go about it as well as mindset. I acknowledge that I can’t control her reaction and that she truly does have every right to want to not have anything to do with me. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Thanks.

[mr_hopp]

Hey @herpaderp123,

That's a heavy situation you've shared, and it's brave of you to open up about it here. First off, kudos for recognizing the importance of honesty, even when it's tough. Sharing your HSV2 status is about respecting your partner's right to make informed decisions about their health. It's a tough call but coming clean might ease that weight you're carrying.

Telling her sooner rather than later is the way to go. You can explain that you've been taking antivirals and thought you were managing the risk but then noticed something that made you worry. Your plan to be honest about the situation sounds like the best approach. It respects her and allows her to take any necessary steps.

Legal worries are understandable, but focusing on doing the right thing here is crucial. Honesty can lead to healing, learning, and, hopefully, forgiveness over time, especially you forgiving yourself and taking this as a powerful learning experience. Next time you're in a similar situation, you'll see the value in speaking to the moment. (And the "feeling like shit" part shows you that your conscience is alive and well; it shows up as guilt after something like this, but is teaching you to follow it more clearly in the future.) You're not alone in navigating these murky waters. Many have faced similar dilemmas and found a path forward through openness and compassion.

Remember, this moment doesn't define you. It's about how you handle it moving forward ...

[herpaderp123]

3 hours ago, mr_hopp said:

Hey @herpaderp123,

That's a heavy situation you've shared, and it's brave of you to open up about it here. First off, kudos for recognizing the importance of honesty, even when it's tough. Sharing your HSV2 status is about respecting your partner's right to make informed decisions about their health. It's a tough call but coming clean might ease that weight you're carrying.

Telling her sooner rather than later is the way to go. You can explain that you've been taking antivirals and thought you were managing the risk but then noticed something that made you worry. Your plan to be honest about the situation sounds like the best approach. It respects her and allows her to take any necessary steps.

Legal worries are understandable, but focusing on doing the right thing here is crucial. Honesty can lead to healing, learning, and, hopefully, forgiveness over time, especially you forgiving yourself and taking this as a powerful learning experience. Next time you're in a similar situation, you'll see the value in speaking to the moment. (And the "feeling like shit" part shows you that your conscience is alive and well; it shows up as guilt after something like this, but is teaching you to follow it more clearly in the future.) You're not alone in navigating these murky waters. Many have faced similar dilemmas and found a path forward through openness and compassion.

Remember, this moment doesn't define you. It's about how you handle it moving forward ...

Hi Mr_hopp,

Thank you for your sincere reply. I really appreciate that you didn't judge me or make me feel less than. I will probably call her tonight or tomorrow. Wish me luck. 

[herpaderp123]

Quick update. 

I just got off the phone. She is understandably upset. Pretty short call. I didn't sugar coat anything. Just told her the truth. Admitted I lied. Last thing she said was "whoa, I gotta go"

I feel like shit. Hopefully I didn't give it to her. Thank you @mr_hopp for guiding me to do the right thing. It was really hard but I think I'm glad I did it. Any kind words you guys have would be greatly appreciated. I really fucked up this time but can't do anything about it now. I'm just going to have to move forward. 

 

[AlliKat12]

@herpaderp123 People make mistakes.  Making mistakes is how people learn and grow and become a better version of themselves..  You made the right choice in telling her the truth and by doing so, you gave her the opportunity to take care of her sexual health and make an informed decision on what she wants to do.  I would just give her space to process the information and if or when she is ready to to talk, then be there for her.  

[Farishta]

To paraphrase Maya Angelou, now that you KNOW better, you DO better.  And if you didn't have the chance in your short call, perhaps text/email with a short, sincere apology.

[herpaderp123]

@Farishta Yes we talked by text a little bit. I answered her questions and apologized multiple times. Thanks. 

[chapstick1520]

I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk anymore? If you had told her before would she have still proceeded?

[herpaderp123]

@chapstick1520She hasn't reached out. I'm giving her plenty of space. If she wants nothing to do with me, I'll respect it. Knowing her, she may have been okay with it but it's too late now. Live and learn. 

[chapstick1520]

I would reach out to her tomorrow. 

[herpaderp123]

We've been texting a bit here and there. She wants to talk more eventually but isn't ready.

For those who have been in this situation, how much info do you dump on them. I mostly just told her what I did (take antivirals) to mitigate risk and updates on my current symptoms. I'm kind of just giving her space and letting her come to me questions. I mean all the info is online so I figured I'd just let her parse through it herself. But should I be offering more? Ie telling her how common it is, how CDC doesn't recommend testing, etc.? 

 

[AlliKat12]

The info online can be a scary place for someone who is just learning about this.  I know when I went to google, I felt like I needed a chastity belt because no matter what I did, I was passing it to someone.  Maybe you can just send her a text with the main information and let her know that you are there for her if she has any other questions.  

When I actually found out real information and real experiences from people who have the same thing I did, It made me feel better and I wasn't always feeling like I was doomed.  

[mr_hopp]

Yeah, I agree with @AlliKat12: Dr. Google is a terrifying place to do herpes research. That's actually why I consolidated all the facts into the handouts. You might even consider sending her the disclosure handout itself since it really puts the true risk into perspective, which is actually quite small, considering the stigma that tends to blow this all way out of proportion — and no chastity belt needed. 😉 Download the handouts for free here with the ebook: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

[Sumshine]

Hey you definitely did the right thing by disclosing. Better late than never! Kudos to you for getting the nerve up and doing the right thing.

[Jasonlee56]

@herpaderp123...Like the majority on here...you did the right thing. 

I had a similar dilemma...and this is to make your guilt...feel a little less guilty. I had it for decades and never told my wife. Frankly...I thought there was a chance she gave it to me. To make a long story short...I came clean about 2 years ago. Her reaction? "If I haven't caught it by now...it must be hard to catch". Yeah....my wife is awesome...and understanding. 

To the point, as some have stated...if your partner...does do some research....she MIGHT and I stress the might part.....Might actually understand. Like my wife and I...if after all the times you had sex and she did not catch it...you were doing all of the right things to avoid passing it on. 

That said, to continue with you (if she chooses to) is TOTALLY her choice. She needs to understand the risks, take the appropriate measures....be completely honest with you and you with her. If you find away to continue the relationship, you both need an action plan SHOULD she catch it. 

The great news is you have the weight of the world off your shoulder...with a simple task. Honesty. It should drive everything you do with her in the future, REGARDLESS of whether you get back together or not. 

Good luck. Welcome to the group. 

[D_Marie]

I can speak from both sides. I had someone recently disclose to me about their HSV 1 status after we've been dating for months. I freaked out; not about the virus but I felt like they took no precautions to avoid infecting me. I felt betrayed and I did want to take legal action. I got tested and found out that I had both 1&2. I may have been living with HSV2 for over 15 years and not known it. I'm asymptomatic. Now I'm in a position where I may have to disclose. I've come to the conclusion that if an H+ person has done everything that they can do to reduce the risk to <1% or less than the risk of dying in a car accident, then I feel disclosures are optional. We live in a world where we take "acceptable" everyday throughout the day when you take medicine, drive in your car, eat store bought food, etc. without getting disclosures. Nothing is 100% safe. It would make us insane to have all risk communicated to us for all the things we do daily. We would be too afraid to do anything. I don't disclosure to people that there is a chance we may die every time I drive someone in my car. Anyone that's having sex is accepting some level of risk that something unwanted may occur. So my position is that people should do what is best for their mental health. If not disclosing causes you a lot of anguish and guilt, then disclose. If disclosing this personal information about yourself causes you an unhealthy level of anxiety then don't. 

 

 

[Veteran]

You did good telling her. It’s tough and you’re not alone feeling bad giving it to someone who doesn’t deserve it. But it happened to you and you didn’t deserve it. Keep texting she will come around to understand nobody wants to give it to anybody. You took your pills and they work. If it was a breakout but tiny and maybe it wasn’t a breakout look to the bright side that she wasn’t exposed.