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It hurts worse than the blisters

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Sometimes even those of us who are strong and usually forward with hopeful eyes, well, even we get kicked in the guts from time to time. Tonight was one of those nights for me.


I met her just before Thanksgiving. Her name is Justyna. It was a fast burning romance, something I'm not known for getting involved in. But, I liked her. The attraction was mutual and instant, and I wanted to see where it would go. We had a great weekend together and it felt right. It was passionate & was everything I'd been searching for all my life. I even believed her when we had "the talk" before we did anything and was confident she was telling me the truth. In hindsight, that was stupid on my part, but I'll have to live with that. What really stings is the memory of our last morning together when she told me about her boyfriend. That hurt. That stung as bad as the blisters that were to come later. That actually stung worse.


We've emailed a few times since then, had a casual dinner and a coffee, & tonight I took her to coffee again. She didn't want to go but I insisted; after all it's always best to give bad news in person. I told her everything my doctor had told me, and what I've learned elsewhere including this forum. I gave her the facts, told her how I was hurt, and how the pain felt. Told her how I wasn't angry, just concerned and a little emotionally wounded. Told her how the blisters looked and how I waited until after Christmas to tell her because she had told me earlier she and her boyfriend were going on a romantic week of skiing together. I told her how she needed to be honest with him and that he needed to get tested, too. While she was off being loved and making love with someone she'd cheated on, I was at home nursing painful blisters and wondering if I'd ever be loved or hold another woman again.


And, she didn't even care. She just looked across the table with cold, heartless eyes and with her arms folded she said "What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? I'm not. You got what you deserved. It's not my fault." Those were her words and I couldn't even look at her after she said them. We'd flirted, I'd romanced her, I'd discovered after the fact that I was the "other man" and been a gentleman about it after I found out she'd used me and lied to me, but somehow I deserved this. Somehow this is my fault.


For the better part of an hour she barely said anything other than that. She wasn't even scared of the diagnosis or what else she might have gifted me with. There was no guilt, no remorse, no sympathy. No compassion whatsoever. The lifelong ramifications of her not telling me about her having herpes and telling me before we slept together didn't even register with her. All I wanted her to ask was "Are you OK?" A simple I'm sorry, maybe. But, the only thing that she was concerned with was the fact that I found out from someone else last week who her boyfriend is and could tell him about the affair. One quick push of the "send" key copying all of our emails to him is all it would take to achieve momentary justice for what she's done and how she's made me feel. I can't decide right now if that would be justice or revenge, so it's probably best to just wait and see how I feel in a few days.


So, here I am. 36, single, never been loved, alone in a foreign country with no local support network, with an incurable and highly stigmatized virus inside me, and for the rest of my life I will have the knowledge that I got herpes from a cold, heartless woman who didn't sleep with me because she cared about me, or was attracted to me, or was even falling for me, but did so because she "was curious." And, I'm the one who gets to pay for her curiosity for the rest of my life.


Now I know what real pain feels like and it hurts. It hurts bad. What the hell is wrong with people these days?

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I dont know you well, but this has enraged me as if we were besties! What a bitch! I'd use another word, but i wont be entirely inappropriate as i dont know how young the ages go on here. ( But im sure you can figure it out ;-) )


Clearly she is a selfish, inconsiderate person and although you had to meet our friend H to see that about her i think you should count your blessings that you didnt end up being with her. (you could've been the boyfriend she cheated on next month and then ran away to some romantic place with.) Lets throw around the word derserve.....

There is nothing you could've done to "DESERVE" to get herpes no more then those kids on the St Judes commercials "DESERVE" to have cancer.

You DO DESERVE to find a nice girl (and she isnt it). If you wouldn't have gotten herpes from her you could've went on with your life and left her alone with her boyfriend, but you would've been leaving her while caring about her and wondering "what if" about this person you thought you knew. maybe comparing the next woman to her and putting her on some type of pedestal. (just going from what you said about not being something you usually get involved in) without seeing this cold hearted side of her .. Which i think speaks volumes about her lack of compassion, selfishness and poor charecter as a human being. Thank you Herpes for showing us the true colors of this woman. Let her go be with him. Clearly she doesnt "DESERVE" you!



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Herry, there's an tightness in my chest the size of fist after reading what you wrote. It's so achingly poetic that I wanted to forget there was a real man with a giant heart on the other end of the screen.


It's probably not much of a comfort to say that your capacity to hurt is a testament to your capacity to love and that the pendulum will swing the other way. It is the law of nature.


It won't take much of the sting away to say that she'll probably get her comeuppance in some karmic-ally comedic way because you're due. But even if her life fell apart, it's doubtful it would make an impression on a heart as cold as that.


It likely won't make you feel any less raw to note that even in this moment when the winds of anger and disgust and betrayal are howling in your head, you're default is still gentlemanly logic and temperance, and your instinct is that the momentary pleasure of ratting her out isn't worth twisting and chewing up your personal code.


But at this particularly crushing low, I hope you'll find strength in knowing that whatever else she took from you, she gave you us.



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As Justsmile said:


Clearly she is a selfish, inconsiderate person and although you had to meet our friend H to see that about her i think you should count your blessings that you didnt end up being with her. (you could've been the boyfriend she cheated on next month and then ran away to some romantic place with.)


Like it or not, Herpes just became your Wing-man. I think you got the better end of the deal.... living with HER for the rest of your life could have been a far far worse "life sentence" than your little h friend :(


Personally, for me, I WOULD contact the BF - but when you are calm and not looking for revenge. I've been in a place where I got a call from another woman when I was dating a guy.... we were not quite to the full-on declare-to-the-world our relationship stage but I had made it clear I was a monogamous person. I thanked her for letting me know and we shared info back and forth. Funny - he blamed ME for the mess with her (sent a text saying "Thanks for the Shit Storm"... I actually laughed at that one once I got my jaw off the floor!) and cut me off but continued to text her begging her to come back to him ... even after she and I met at a local bar to compare info AND sent him a photo of the two of us together. It was sorta surreal but funny at the same time even tho I was also hurt by the whole thing. Found out later he actually had a real GF in Altanta too - she contacted me and we became friends. Sadly the silly cow took him back and they just got married .... I'll never figure some people out 8-|


Anyway, I say that because IMO HE deserves to know what she is doing. He deserves to know how she treated you as well as the fact that she's cheating on him because she will eventually treat him the same way. IF he stays with her, well, you can't account for stupid.... but you can at least say you tried.


(((HUGS))) my friend. You WILL get a good woman - and this one will make you all the more grateful for her when you find her ;)

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Wow. What a ... Nevermind, I am not going to say it.. But how could someone be so cold so mean? I am sorry Herry.


I would also contact her boyfriend personally, no matter what the drama and impact might come from it. I will know that I am doing the right thing. I know that I am making sure that the person that she obviously didn't care about is going to be safe.. That he knows that she was running around on him. Or maybe there is something wrong with their relationship. Maybe she is not happy with him. Maybe she is not happy with herself, and wanted to see someone else hurt.


Herry from what I have seen on this forum. You are a good kind hearted individual. Someone who has obviously been through a lot though. Show a woman, a real woman who deserves it, what kind of person you can be.. && you will probably have the best woman you have ever asked for in your life. <3

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Thank you all so much for your comments, support, and suggestions. It really means a lot. It was a very long night and I'm not ashamed to admit it was filled with more than a few tears and a few angry walks around the neighborhood. I calculated it up this evening and came in at just under 10 miles. In the end, last night led to a disclosure to my best friend and my mother who just happened to call me while I was going through all this, both of whom were very supportive. So, one more foot out of the h+ closet I guess.


It's hard enough "catching H" and coming to terms with it; it's even harder when the one person in the world who should be standing beside you with it turns their back on you in such a cold and cruel manner. I went through every emotion last night, went to bed about dawn, and woke up this afternoon realizing that yes, I have to tell the boyfriend in the near future. It's just the right thing to do. While I'm not blameless, the sooner he knows the better.


I also reached out to the local LGBT organization. There's a possibility they know of some local H+ organizations/support. Google's been useless at finding them, and the clinic looked at me crosseyed when I asked. Plus, they have an English speaking counseling team that's skilled with STD's and the emotional toll they can take. So, one day at a time, one step at a time, and I am so grateful that I found this forum to help get me through the journey.

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You have been one of the brightest lights in these forums. You always find the way to make us smile and just laugh at our situation. It's makes me so mad that this heartless b**** did this to you, and the sadder part is that you won't be the last man she gives this virus to. She didn't feel any remorse for giving it to you, and she won't when she gives it to the next guy. Finding out who she is now is the best things that could have happened. She would have just been one heartache after another, and although I only know you through these threads I can say you deserve so much more than this woman, H or no H!


As for telling her boyfriend, I think he deserves to know. He has a right to know that she played both of you, and that she gave you this. He need to get tested and understand who he's "loving" before they end up with something worse.


Just keep in mind that she was never a good woman. She sounds to have some deeper personal issue within herself and hurting others is some strange way of coping. You don't deserve a woman like that!! You deserve so much more!! You have managed to make so many of us smile when we felt so low, and that's the kind of man who deserves the best kind of woman. Keep your head up sweetheart. We will all get through this pain, fear, and darkness together.



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Let me start by saying I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure it hurt, especially with you being so great about it. Keep your head up :)


I agree with everyone else that you should tell him. However I would try to make sure it comes from a concerned place of "You may have an STD and really should get tested" not a more revenge type place of "she chose you over me and now I'm going to let you know your life has changed forever." I'm not saying that you would do that, but I've been in a similar situation before and didn't work through my anger at my ex leaving me for his ex. In the end the message I sent was mean and was meant to shake her up. Looking back I could have handled it better, and I doubt she's gotten tested.


We are all here for you :) I know that you are a great writer and will be able to deliver the news in the best possible way!

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Wow Herry.... And I thought my own H story was bad. I feel terrible for you. You sound like a great guy with an even bigger heart and compassion for people. When the 'karma train' comes back around, if I were her, I would be scared. I agree, I think you should tell the boyfriend as soon as you can. It is the right thing to do. I'm glad we're all here together to talk about our stories, fears, feelings and future hopes. Keep us posted... We want to know what happens next in your journey. Hugs, abc123

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