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Resentment Towards Herpes-Negative Friends

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I am curious as to see if anyone has resentment towards their friends who don't have it? Basically, the source of my resentment comes from the fact that I am the least sexually active of my girl friends and many of the men. As I have gotten a lot of them out of my life for other reasons, the ones that I have chosen to allow to still be a part of my life, I have immense resentment towards. They do stuff all the time with people and mess around with tons of people, yet I rarely did anything and would get tested if a man just touched me down there, and I have this. Is it normal to feel like this? I mean, I know it's not right, but it really makes me want to make these people get out of my life too, because they are just carrying on f'n around and dating and everything else, while I sit here, go to bed alone, and wonder why the F this happened to me when they are out doing what they do. It just seems unfair, and I know life is unfair, but it really pisses me off. And to be honest, it is disrespectful, for some of these people to be so close to me (as they claim) and I have warned them and tried to let them see how easy this happened to me, yet they have no regard for their health, mentally and physically, especially after seeing what I've gone through. I feel like it's a slap in my face. I don't want to hear about them having sex. I don't want to hear about how awesome a guy was or how great a date was, nor do I want to hang out when they are with these men and have it flaunted in my face. I'm angry. I just need to know what to do, make them not a part of my life until I am healed, or just deal with it. It's making me miserable. I don't know. Is this normal? Is this some stage of the healing process?

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Why would I have resentment toward my friends who happen to not have herpes? That's like one of my friends who had cancer being upset with me for not getting cancer. Isn't that a bit misdirected? It's a numbers game. And living life is risky in general, not just about getting herpes. If I wanted to, I could find plenty of things that my friends have or have gone through that I haven't. I could choose to use that as a way to feel better or worse about myself. Comparing and contrasting hasn't really helped me much in my healing process. And if this is having your friends doing disrespectful things outright to you, then they may not be people you want to be friends with. But if they're just living their lives and making their own decisions, it really has nothing to do with you. Remember that people just don't understand what someone else is going through until they go through it themselves. Maybe they need to learn their lesson through their risky behavior. You've said your piece, and now they are going to make their own decisions. This may be an opportunity for you to drop your own resentment. Have you heard that resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick? It's just not worth it. And no amount of resentment will have your friends change, either.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Yes, I have heard that. I think part of it is jealousy. That does have something to do with it. I'm stuck in this awful ass position for every man I want to date while they don't have to worry about a thing. That is frustrating. I then think about some of the guys who have slept with upwards of 40 women and are scott free. That pisses me off. Then some of the girls who just bounce guy to guy to guy. Letting them go down town, screwing, whatever. And I'm here. Wherever the hell I am. The jealousy is not superficial, like looks or something. It's deeper than that.


One friend for instance said, "I'm so tired of talking about herpes." Well I am so sorry to inform her but it's about all that's on my mind, with hours of fleeting happiness, then back to herpes. I am tired of hearing about which guy she is screwing and how great he is, but I don't say that. It's not just herpes. I am over having it. Like I get it. I got this there isn't shit I can do about it. But the betrayal by friends, family, and him, has been the true focus of my anger and hurt. I want to talk about this. I need to. And I need love and support. Which seems to have been nonexistent in my life in my physical world besides two people.


I want to talk to him.

I want to feel like I can go out there and date and have nothing to worry about. I want that back.

I want my health back.

I want I'm sorrys from the people who have done me wrong through this.

I want to let go. And I can't. And I'm tired. I am so emotionally tired.

I'm so exhausted everyday and all I want to do is sleep.


It's been three months tomorrow and I don't understand why some days I am okay and some days I feel like I can't do this anymore. And I want everyone who doesn't have it in my life to go away and stop coming to me with their happy problem free lives. Their problems are fixable. Mine isn't.

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I feel like I'm going crazy. I do. I'm so strong and okay some days and then I have days where I literally can't focus on anything at all but this. I just want it to be gone. And I want to be married and have kids. I want to skip the next 15 years, just go to sleep and wake up and see that my biggest fears didn't happen and I'm happy. I just don't want to play the maybe it will happen game for the next 15 years. Like wake up and either it did happen and I have a husband and kids, or wake up and it didn't happen and I can finally be okay with it all.

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You may be going crazy, but realize you're doing it more to yourself than herpes ever will. :)


You know how you could also choose to see what you're experiencing right now? Growing pains. You're growing into more and more self-acceptance. The less you accept yourself, the more it will keep hurting. You have a built in mechanism for healing. Brilliant, huh? ;)


If you were to skip the next 15 years, you would just continue right where you are right now. Only 15 years older. You would also skip over all the learning and growth you are going through right now. You need to go through this to learn that herpes isn't your problem. It's ultimately how you're thinking. You can't change that you have herpes, but you can change the habits of your mind.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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I know how you feel hun...I have a friend who's a whore...no really she is a prostitute :( my heart hurts for the emotional damage she's suffered over the years and how little she values herself. She sleeps with men for money while at work and then numerous others just because she's "bored" of her boyfriend. When I found out she was one of the ones I told first and while she didn't make me feel bad right away I remember her looking at me and sayings "if I were in your shoes I would never sleep with someone again that's dirty" and being floored.


I went through a long phase after being "okay" where I was angry. I aimed a lot of that negative energy towards her because I was jealous. It wasn't fair in my mind that she could be permiscuous, unfaithful, and a hooker and just walk around unscathed while I make a bad choice and BAM herpes yaaaaay.


I feel like it's part of the process...you're angry and want to leave all this behind now but I feel like we have to go through what we do to truest appreciate what life has to offer. Right now you're down and can't see and out so you don't want to wait...but just hold on a little longer and you'll see your anger is not only misplaced but not even needed. And that long horrible wait of a maybe game...well that's there no matter what so why not enjoy it :) if I wouldn't have experienced that anger and hurt I wouldn't be able to truely appreciate the calmness and joy I feel now. If I wouldn't have felt so lost and hopeless then my relationship now wouldn't be as special...look at each down point in life as just the moment before things get really good...hard to do in the moment but know it's coming <3

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Ah Grasshopper.... what a tangled web you are weaving for yourself.


So Mama is gonna speak from her heart....


I want to talk to him.

I want to feel like I can go out there and date and have nothing to worry about. I want that back.

I want my health back.

I want I'm sorrys from the people who have done me wrong through this.

I want to let go. And I can't. And I'm tired. I am so emotionally tired.


Want Want Want. Honey, you are so attached to what you WANT that you are creating a guarantee that you are going to be unhappy.


You want to talk to him. As long as you are attached to this as a step to your happiness and acceptance, you will remain stuck. Let him go. This part of your life is DONE. Now, he may come back, you MAY get your talk. But I'm guessing that if you *want* to talk to him you also will *want* the talk to have a certain outcome, and you can bet your bottom dollar that the reality won't be what you *want*. If you got your talk right now, it likely wouldn't bring you the peace you are looking for.


you WANT to feel like you can go out there and date and have nothing to worry about ... My dear, "having nothing to worry about" is what got most of us here :p . AND it's what had put most of us in relationships that were not workable or healthy for us. Herpes will help you make better choices in who you date and allow into your "vulnerable zone". AND, once again, this is a great lesson in attachment. Let go of how you *think* a date should look like ... how it *used* to be. Stop using Herpes as a reason for all your perceived future failures in dating. Herpes is but one of MANY MANY "deal breakers" that can cause someone to not pursue a relationship with you. Stop making it out to be THE ONE AND ONLY reason that someone might walk away. Just go out and date. It will fell uncomfortable at first but just push through.... I mean, really...have you not been reading the success stories on here lately - half the posts have been about people who have had a successful disclosure! Give yourself a chance to be the next one!


You WANT your health back. Honey, you have NOT lost your health. I have a dancer friend who went through chemo for Non-Hodgkins lymphoma in her late 30's. Spent about 2 years in a wig and hardly able to teach. Got the all clear and was doing great for almost 2 years...2 weeks short of her "all clear" check-up, she was admitted to hospital with colon cancer... had her whole large intestine removed. Has to live on a special diet now. And while I am sure she had many many days where she wondered if she'd live to see her grandchild, and that there are many days now where she still struggles because of the diet and scar tissue and other damage, she NEVER complains about her health because she's damned grateful to be alive and able to teach and play with her grandchild. We here have a virus that may hurt like hell sometimes (esp in the early days) but that will eventually chill out on it's own without us having to poison our bodies with really nasty drugs and such. You have your health my dear.... believe me....I'm sure my friend would happily switch places with you if she could.


You WANT I'm Sorrys from people This one is GUARANTEED to make you unhappy. Again, while you are feeling that this is a necessity to your happiness, pretty much any apology won't be what you *want* to hear. You know what you *want* to hear from them and having that prerequisite on any conversation will make the outcome anything BUT what you *want*. Until you can stop making everyone else wrong for their behaviors (because right now you are demanding that people act and be a certain way around you) you are not opening a space for them to be able to enter into YOUR world. They have no hope in hell of pleasing you right now.


You WANT to let go Then DO IT. And I get it... it's a simple concept but it's not easy. Because to let go means you give up control of the future. It means allowing everyone to be free to be who they are and not take everything they are dong personally. It means, being ok with their behaviors and allowing them to make their own mistakes (and I can promise you, odds are most of them have their own battles that they are fighting..in fact, the promiscuous ones are likely so miserable and lonely they jump from one bed to another looking for validation and love and leaving each one empty and unfulfilled. What a miserable existence!) It means getting off your couch, out into the world, and out of your pity party and putting your beautiful self out there for an amazing man to come along and scoop up.


Until you stop WANTING everything to be the way YOU want it to be, you will stay exactly where you are. Trust the process. Go back and read all those success stories (YOURS included) that show that Herpes does NOT end your love life. Find one thing each day that you can do to divert your attention to a Positive frame of mind and away from the Herpes Hamster Wheel that your brain is on.


I'm betting that if you really take this on; if you really work on living with acceptance and let go of your attachments, you will suddenly find all kinds of men wanting to get to know you.


And BTW, I just saw the first part of Adrials Home Study course - if you are not signed up for it, make sure you get on the list as soon as the next version comes out ... I think if would do you a WORLD of good!!


Love you chica... I hate to see you suffering like this. I hope you can at least take something from what I said and find some way to let go of all this upset. It WILL get better, but you have to be ready to let go of all your expectations and *shoulds* first :)



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Thank you Dance your post gave me a lot of good things to think about today as I am feeling so much like this woman is feeling. The one thing that I still struggle with is your point about how many health issues others have to deal with that are far more devastating to their health. I agree with you except that what they have is not contagious. My girlfriend just went in for her annual female checkup, she is single and worries about getting an STD. She was so nervous that they would discover that she had an STD during her checkup. They did not find an STD but they did find a questionable spot on her mammogram. When she called me she said that although she was concerned about the spot on her breast she was just relieved that they didn't find an STD. She said she would much rather worry about a spot on her breast than having anything wrong with her lower region, she was specifically talking about herpes.

Soooo a lot of people would actually be more devastated with h than they would be with most anything else....yep that is a sobering thought for those of us with herpes.



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Felareed we fear the unknown. And more often than not what we fear we respond to with negativity and a feirce unrelenting stubbornness to resist learning more. And the truth is most of what we fear, if we knew the truth, wouldn't be so scary. It's like when kids are sacred of a monster under the bed...you can tell them there's no monster but they won't believe you. You can try and show them but they won't go and look because what they've envisioned in their mind is so horrifying...what happens when they eventually look and see nothing but dust bunnies? That's kinda what herpes is...it's not a giant scary monster under the bed just a couple of dust bunnies and maybe some mismatched long forgotten socks :P


I've read through some of your posts and it seems like you don't want to let go of this stigma...I'm not saying forget you have herpes but rather try and see the positives. And I wish I could link threads from my phone @WCSDancer2010 care to link the "I'd rather have cancer" thread for me? I think that would be an excellent example of what I'm trying to convey here.


<3 love and good vibes chica

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You know, I can understand where you're coming from. I've got three tiny li'l notches on my lipstick case, and I have friends that have so many their cases look like Freddy Kreuger has been borrowing 'em every weekend. But, somehow I'm the one with the STD. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? That's the jealousy talking and it can really get to you if you let it.


I also have friends that died long before they could ever enjoy the pleasures of sex. That's not fair either. And, I have friends who have millions of dollars and others who have none. Not fair either. But, that's life and the only thing that's fair in life is that we all get to live, and we all get to be subjected to the lousy music Justin Bieber is putting out there. Everything else is up for grabs.


You're making herpes be who you are rather than being a small part of who you are. Plus, you have HSV1 which is as common as they come. Over 1/2 of the country has it, and the other 1/2 doesn't care about it and isn't worried about it. HSV1 is like the Backstreet Boys of STD's; it's utterly harmless and might cause a minor annoyance, and I've yet to see anyone ever get rejected because they have HSV1. Club feet, bad breath, lousy dancer, talks in sleep, annoying mother, yes. HSV1? No.


You need some distractions. You need to workout or pick up a hobby. Something to get your mind off it. Sure, you need to talk about it, but you're preoccupying yourself with it and that's not healthy. You're obsessing over it, and that will drive your friends batshit crazy. It's driving you crazy.


You just got a new job. You're about to get your first big paycheck. You're an attractive young woman with an amazing life ahead of you, and gosh darn it, everyone on this forum likes you.


Now, I want you to do something. It might sound crazy, but it works and I do it every day much to the chagrin of my female roommate. But, it only bothers her because I no longer bother to close the bathroom door when I do it.


Get naked. I'm talking buck ass, just came into the world, flaunting it like you've got it Godiva naked.


Go stand in front of a full length mirror. Give it your best Buddy Christ pose and say...


"I love you. I love you more than anything or anyone else in the world."


It works. It really works.


Remember, life isn't about what other people think about you. Age and experience have taught me that what I think of myself is the only thing that matters. If you can look at yourself every morning and say "I love you" then you'll be amazed at what kinds of people that attitude will bring into your life.

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Here you go @Orangepeelmafia


The "I'd rather have Cancer" thread.






Read that thread. And be careful what you wish for....'cause you just might get it...




Honey - I'll take Herpes over cancer ANY DAY. I've seen what it does to people. And Herpes won't kill me... if anything, it's made me stronger. And without having to do Chemo and radical surgery. I'm way less worried about what people think of me than I am about wanting to live as healthy a life as possible. If someone is putting other people's opinions and ignorance over the honest truth about their health, then they may need to see someone to help them with that.


And BTW, you DO know that most Cervical Dysplasias are from the HPV virus (another STD). So your friend may have got her worst fear AND cancer..... I'll take herpes, thanks ;)



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I just wanted to say that I do understand where you are coming from on this subject. It's not that I resent them for not having this, but I share with some of them. Try to tell them how easy it is to get an STD, yet they keep on having sex without condoms or precautions in general. One girl " Well he told me he was clean.." Well now that I have had this happen to me, I am not mad about it. I want to see their papers. I want to know the truth, because a lot of people lie. It seems like a lot of my friends don't get that. I try to tell them that it can happen at any point. Some of their answers are " Well I don't sleep with nasty people." Well thanks. I didn't sleep with nasty people either. It just happened. It is that easy. It is just as easy for Chlamydea or any other STD for that matter. && once you have it you look back and say " Wow I should have been more careful." Being careful is one thing, but I also realize I have a lot of friends who don't get tested at all... because they have " not seen or felt anything the matter with them." I said there can be so many things inside your body that you don't even know about. Yet most of them still disregard their health.


I don't have a resentment towards them though, because this is a part of life. It happens differently to other people. Some people get cancer, some people asthma, and some of them herpes or other things. It's not fair to resent them.

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You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink..

You can lead a friend to facts, but you can't make them think..


Give your friends the facts and then you have to let go of what they do with them (This is GREAT training for when you have grown up kids!!!!) Attaching to them doing what you tell the they *should* do is in effect putting conditions on your friendship. You can't control them, they are adults and while they may be determined to self destruct it's not YOUR job to save them. ;)


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I think that comment goes back to what has been said over and over, the stigma is worse than the "condition". I've been lucky in that the friends I've chosen to trust and tell have taken this as a learning opportunity for themselves. They're more educated and now know that anyone can have it or get it. This hasn't stopped individuals from engaging in risky sexual behaviors but I feel I've done my part in attempting to educate.


As for being jealous, that was more true for me when I first found out I had herpes. Now after knowing the stats and living with it for almost a year, I just think some of my friends are part of the 80% who have it but are asymptomatic. I'm just part of the 20% that knows my status and I'd rather it be that way. Yeah it sucks having to have "the talk" but I'd rather have some know what they're getting into than pass it unknowingly to someone I care for. Its all what you decide what your perspective will be.

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when I hear someone else say that they would rather have cancer, it makes me feel even worse about having herpes than I already do.


Why do you let their words have power over you...words from people who really have no clue what they are talking about? It just shows their ignorance.... or immaturity. If anyone said that to me, I'd say something like "Really? Cause I have herpes, and it's just a nuisance, and I'll take that over Chemo any day".


But then again, I'm willing to write anyone out of my life who doesn't have a positive energy and/or who has a toxic effect on myself or others. With billions of people on the planet, I can let a few go if they want to be ugly (tho I haven't had to do that so far). I certainly don't need to let their ignorance bring me down :)

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