I have herpes. So why would a man choose me?

[forgivenessandpeace]

Hugs to you @Lisa :(

[jjallabouth]

@Lisa I feel the same way. Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat!! Let's maintain hope together!!

[sw85]

As a guy, recently diagnosed, I am battling with the same emotions.

 

At 29, I had only recently had any luck with girls, not one night stands as they dont really mean anything, but some special times with new female friends whilst ive been travelling around south america. I finally had some game, probably the gringo amoungst the latinos, but this did my confidence the world of good, but now thats completely gone, to the point that I struggle to get excitted about exploring a new part of the world....I know how stupid that is, but I still cant keep my mind off h, and how any girl will want to be with me in the future. I wasnt fully sure on having kids, but the complications of potentially giving this to my partner and the rest that goes along with it, makes me now want it....how crazy is that.

 

this im afraid isnt really answering any of your questions, like other people have brilliantly done, but to let you know guys with h, have the exact same problem.

[sw85]

After re-reading my post I want to add....

 

one night stands dont do much for me, I much prefer to spent time with partner, and getting to know what they like, its a much more rewarding experience, rather than wham bam thank you mam.

[Anonemess]

@sw85 One thing I have learned in my journey is that nothing is sexier than a genuine man without game than a man who deems himself a man-whore. The latter is a deal breaker.

[forgivenessandpeace]

There are two sides to dealing with this hsv infection: the physical symptoms of clinical disease (prodromal symptoms like the tingling/itching, blistering), and the emotional difficulties associated with the stigma of the disease. A huge part of the emotional difficulty lies in this illusion of being undesirable, which really boils down to our normal human fear of rejection.

 

There are over 100 stories on this site of people with h disclosing to potential partners WITHOUT being rejected. In many cases sex has been delayed and the human beings involve actually get to know each other better (like you're talking about @sw85), they develop emotional intimacy and build the foundation for a much more fulfilling relationship that ultimately we all want, male and female alike. Add some great sex to that combination and WOW, jackpot!!

 

So, our first response has to be to figure out how to manage the clinical disease for ourselves. There is a ton of advice on that subject here in this forum plus a ton of experimenting we can each do on our own.

 

Next we have to overcome the temptation to let this h+ status serve as an excuse to hide out and avoid rejection. It's so easy to blame all of our woes on this little virus critter. The fact is I reject potential partners on a whole host of criteria long before I know their hsv status. Hell I've been known to reject partners based on their poor grammar (yes I'm a grammar snob). I've chosen not to pursue a relationship with a man because he has 5-year-old twin daughters (my youngest is 15 and I don't want to go back). We are all afraid of being rejected for a whole host of reasons, many/most of which we have no immediate control over (height, weight, cup-size, penis size, eye color, skin color, cancer status). It's easy to slip into blame-everything-on-h mode, decide our lives are ruined, and just sulk.

 

Alternatively, we can focus on being the best people we can be for ourselves. Nobody likes a Negative Nelly and healthy self-confidence is universally attractive to both sexes. We are who we are. We had strengths and weaknesses before h, we have potentially more strengths and 1-more, non-life threatening weakness after h. If we decide this one thing is enough to knock us out of life, well, then I would argue we need to decide differently.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Bravo @forgivenessandpeace. I'm proud of you. You've come a long way. Beautifully said!

[sw85]

@anonemess , thanks for those words. Much appreciated.

 

@forgivenessandpeace , again great words, thanks for sharing.

 

the physical part, I am dealing with, it seams im lucky enough to have mild outbreaks, yes a little uncomfortable at times, but from what ive read im fortunate.

 

I did have a little epiphany yesterday, I was blaiming my drunken mistake and getting h, on what seemed to me to be a ruined life, but it occurred to me, a fews prior to getting h, I was panicked about the future, ive been travelling for a year, and the future of going back home, and figure out what the hell I was going to do, was a scary thought. Its a littlebackward, but I took some comfort in that I was a little worried about the future anyways, human nature, the fear of the unknown. I started to break down this challenge, into bits, im not ready to date anyone yet, I dont think I could confidently have a disclosure talk, it would be a train wreck. But like any chalkenge, little by little....

 

im going to practice disclosure talks with some close friends in new zealand, and treat them as kind of date situations, so I get used to talking about the subject, in the comfort that they are my friends.

 

Depending on any possible dating situations, ill try both usual internet dating services and h services. Im totally on board with ardal and others advice about this is limiting the dating pool to 10%, but I think this could be a useful tool into the road of dating again.

 

yesterday I had a very positive day, I did almost cry in public, but managed to shake that off,quickly and try to stay positive. I just need to learn to remember and focus on the ideas that make it manageable.

 

how do you eat a H-elephant?..... little by little

[WCSDancer2010]

@sw85

 

Good for you for starting to get some clarity about your situation. As you said, one step at a time.

 

You may want to check out my Wingman blog ... one thing about the disclosure process - it helps to weed out the people who are shallow/cruel/judgmental from your life ... so when you disclose to your friends remember that ... it's good to be aware that if you have a negative experience with them that it's not about you ;)

 

((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

[vanessayee]

Such a great thread, thanks everyone for your posts and I really enjoyed reading yours @sickoflifelessons. I'm so afraid to tell potential mates because I feel it will alienate them from me or if I told family but if it really is so common that maybe it won't alienate everyone. Just by the way ppl talk it seems like they are all clean and have normal dating lives or maybe they just don't know that they too might have it.

 

I have told this to some close friends though and they are still supportive and in my life so I am grateful for them. It is Just hard to disclose to potential mates now. I know they are going to even go around asking their friends for opinions of what they should do and if they should be with a girl like me who has Herpes and I don't want them to even do that.

[WCSDancer2010]

It is Just hard to disclose to potential mates now. I know they are going to even go around asking their friends for opinions of what they should do and if they should be with a girl like me who has Herpes and I don't want them to even do that.

 

Well, if that's the case, then we have well over 100 people on here whose friends gave them great advice. (and for every person who posts, there are hundreds who are lurking so I know the number would be FAR higher if more people posted ;) )

 

I'm 100% out - I have over 1000 friends on FB (I'm a Swing Dancer so I have a lot of dancing friends all over the world) and I've never had anyone say ANYTHING negative to me. I have my status on ALL my dating profiles (OKC and POF) and I get plenty of H- guys who say they ADMIRE my honesty and transparency.

 

Yes - there is ignorance and ugliness in the world. But you really need to get that all that is NOTHING to do with you, nor is it to do with Herpes. It's about the other persons unwillingness or inability to have empathy and understanding for others .... and when you see who that person *really* is, it is a gift ... if they show you ugliness, you just learned that this is a person you don't need in your life ... if they show you empathy and love, THAT is the person (friend, family, or partner) that you want in your life.... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[brittyo]

This first post is exactly how I felt, and still occasionally feel about my Hsv-1 genital. Im learning to cope, I've had one rejection (which he is still a friend, and neighbor and has told me multiple times he doesn't think of me any differently, bull hooey Huh?) and one success (he was just the wrong guy for me) but willing to accept me for me! Such a hard pill to swallow, I really enjoyed reading all of the posts, the negative ones are exactly my thoughts. Even today I was talking with a friend about medication I am taking for my "acne"(which is really just nothing) but- to me I feel like I cannot control my H out breaks but I can control everything else, from my pretend acne, to my weight and for a guy to like me, like I have to be perfect for him to want to stick around after learning I have H. Im still a rookie at this, H stuff, just since August, so I love to read the positive things, while im still trying to patch myself up again!

[WCSDancer2010]

@brittyo ...

 

Perhaps the "opportunity" from for you is to learn to be ok with those things you can control, eh?

 

Just a thought :)

[whitedaisies]

Negative thoughts are aooooo easy to have...that why we have them when we are at our weakest.

 

So I hate h really the it. It's done a damn number on me BUT I know myself wayyyyyy better now...doing things I had always wanted to do and never thought possible.

 

Do me a favour....create a bucket list of sorts....I did mine....it helps with the negative noughts....write down everything or at least some things u want to do before u die. It can be anything

 

Once I did this my fous became how do I cross off my bucket list items to make me happier vs this damn h

 

My personal favourite list item was skinny dipping....never did it before...promised my ex ass bf I would do it with him. I thought I would never so it but h know what? An opportunity presented itself and I said "hey I got to do it.it's on my list!" And it was fun!!!!

 

So without h, without fear, I would never have created his list to live life fuller. Met a lot of great people I wouldn't normally meet and did a lt of fun things that fulfilled me

 

Te bucket list items opened me up to new experiences and people I wouldn't otherwise know.

 

This spontaneity and surprise o fulfillment without control allows the revelation that I don't need full control to enjoy my life an feel satisfied

 

Well it's my 2 cents and even though I still have my control freak days its helped open me up a lot more...maybe it will work for tou

 

Xo

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I love what whitedaisies has suggested here, in focusing your energies and thoughts on those things in life that will make your heart smile, on a better sense of accomplishment, and a more fulfilling sense of growth. Every action will provide concrete examples as to why you are capable and worthy of living fully, and loving fully. It reminds me of a quote I keep handy too:

 

"The love of your life is out there... but they won't just drop on your lap, nor you on theirs. So stop living an on-hold life! Go out there and experience your life, write your story and live your fairy tale. It is on that journey that you'll cross paths with the love that is worthy of the story."

[WCSDancer2010]

This spontaneity and surprise o fulfillment without control allows the revelation that I don't need full control to enjoy my life an feel satisfied

 

LOVE THIS! So proud of you @daisy .... you've come a LONG way my friend :)

[whitedaisies]

Thanks Dancer,...

 

Xoxo

[serendipity515]

I appreciate this thread so much. I had a (initially) healthy relationship with an H- man fairly soon after my diagnosis, but I know a lot of my ending up with him had to do with my belief that "he'd be okay with it", unlike men who had more characteristics of what I'd like in a mate. I still have bad days and nights, but these positive affirmations and FANTASTIC ted talks keep me encouraged. I hope you all feel the same. It's scary to think that I'll spend the majority of my life living with H than without, but it is such a minor part of who we all are. I can't wait until the day where I can truly shake off the shame.

 

Much love everyone!!

[WillieOK]

why would a woman choose me...i used to wonder...i am not handsome, i am not any tall or strong, i don't have anything my bank account, i can't father her child, and i'm H2 positive... however my beautiful beautiful wife (the girlfriend) said she would rather care that I don't love her than those 2 things... what should i say... ( she was virgin then, and she had a lot of guys chasing her skirt).....true love can't be stopped.

[WCSDancer2010]

@WillieOK

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

"Tis true!!! Thank you so much for posting your story ... as you know it's hard for the newly diagnosed to believe they can find love, so we need all the contributions from people like you that we can get so they can see that Herpes won't stop you from finding love unless YOU let it ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[vanessayee]

@WCSDancer2010. Thank you:)))