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Life is bigger than H and its OK to feel sad at Christmas.


lelani

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Hi everyone...I just wanted to wish you all a loving Christmas. We are a day ahead down here in New Zealand and the celebrations start in a couple of hours for me. While I would like to say I am excited and loving the festive season its a toughy and I know for many of you it will be too.

 

H has woken up for me this last month and I have had another episode that's taken about 10 days to get over. I went on suppressive medication (decided that instead of resigning myself to being alone I would take every measure to feel more confident and responsible when someone does materialize 8-> ). Not totally comfortable taking daily medication but I want to know how my body deals with it before I have to take it if I am in a relationship. So far so good.

 

Interestingly despite this big step for me (I don't take medication for anything unless I absolutely have to) H has taken a back seat with so many other things being more important...I had to fit the doctor in between visiting two sick friends who were diagnosed with cancer within days of each other. Another close friend died and I also put my house on the market and I may loose my job in the New Year. Life itself is bigger than H and my little patch of spots and job insecurity pale to insignificance when friends are going through bone marrow transplants, major surgery and chemotherapy.

 

My longing for someone special hasn't gone (it's been a while!)...only if I had someone now I couldn't be there for my friends in the same way. My time is my own and I can spend it with them. The depth of our connection has increased tenfold and is such a gift, talking about life and death, appreciating our friendships and having to be very open and brave with each other to be authentic in the face of pain and fear.

 

Having H has also given me these things when I have been brave enough to be open and share...and they really are gifts. This Christmas I am happy and sad all at the same time...I have cried buckets in the last two weeks but very few tears have been for H (except in the doctors office having to acknowledge that my Genital Warts are back again with the H episode - 'two for one' again dammit!).

 

So if you are feeling some sadness at Christmas too I send you a hug...its OK to not be jumping for joy, just make sure you find ways to love yourself and connect with others. Create special moments that make you feel good and know that everything is just a season...and I wish you special moments and loving times this Christmas season.

 

Janice xx

 

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You are beautiful in so many days, Janice. Much love to you down under. Good to know the world hasn't yet ended even with you being a day ahead. And our world won't end unless we think it will. It feels good to hear your check-in, even in the sadness. I'm feeling pretty sad myself during this holiday season, still feeling the separation with my amazing girlfriend deeply. And the deep sadness still tells me I'm deeply alive. And that in itself is beautiful. And I look forward to you sharing your beautifully heartfelt life with the person you're wanting.

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Thanks so much Janice and Adrial. I needed to see this today as I have been struggling as well. I am with you - not always the happiest time of year and yes, I too would LOVE to have someone in my life. It seems the herpes monster has been screaming in my ear though - "yeah...you'd love someone but who is going to stay once they find out about me." But then I look around and see so many people struggling with major life issues of life and death and I feel a bit silly for my melancholy.

 

Janice, I will ask Santa to send you Mr. Wonderful for Christmas. Maybe he can give us a "two for one" deal. All the best with the herpes situation and I will pray for you and your friends who are struggling with such unbelievable challenges.

 

Love and Best Wishes,

 

Brenda xoxoox

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Janice, I'm feeling it all with you, mate. I love you to pieces. Thank you for being the beautiful, amazing woman you are. You bring so much love to this community. I know the Big Love you long for is on its way to you. Until then, keep loving you. You deserve every beautiful thing.

 

I know you know this, but I want everyone else to know too...you are the angel of these boards and my angel friend....and now the Christmas angel! (I always think of Linus from the Peanuts Christmas reading this in their Christmas pageant while Schroeder plays the piano quietly underneath). ....and the angel was upon them saying...Behold! I bring you good tidings of great joy!"

 

That's you, my love. Merry Christmas!

 

K

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Merry Christmas Janice. So glad I read this post all of you are so amazing!! I believe I'm having or had my second outbreak it's Christmas and my birthday is a few days away. I've just been trying to distract myself from this. Janice u are so right that life is bigger than H. With all that's been going on I. The world I feel like while H is annoying there are far more worse things that could happen. I love you all and I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas. Janice I will have your friends and you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Hello everyone,

 

this so brings us back to earth on what is important. Yes our struggles with H do color our lives, but everything seems highlighted at Christmas; it does give pause for the bigger things. Wow Lelani, that's so much going on at once, no wonder your body has been showing signs of stress with episodes. You are so courageous, sharing your love and reminding us that we are human and all our feelings have their place.

 

Seeing our friends deal with issues of life and death reminds me of how short our time here really is. Loving and accepting each other and loving and accepting ourselves and all our feelings about everything keeps us real and connected. You have all been such a great gift to me in my journey, I would never have emerged from the darkness without you. So let's celebrate together love and its place in all our lives, whatever is going on, whatever day of the year it is. I wish you all so much love, Big Love and little love and all kinds; and a healing sunny 2013.

 

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What awesome posts thanks everyone - you are truly amazing people and I love checking in with you. I am getting back into the swing of things slowly, grief has a way of hanging about and spilling over for a little while.

 

Had a slight set back with totalling my car a few days ago (really bad weather conditions and a blind spot). I decided that has to be the final kick in the ass for 2012! I'm ok and he's ok, that's the most important thing...and I will get a new car out of it so its kind of good.

 

I hope you all had lovely Christmas's despite sadness and struggles. That you found special moments and deeper connections with people because of them.

 

I had a really broken girl I am mentoring say to me last week "Well life is a bitch, but that doesn't mean I have to be sad and my new year resolution is to choose to be happy no matter what". Was an amazing thing for me to hear...just a few months ago I was waiting for a call to say she had ended her life because she couldn't cope with finally confronting her abusive upbringing. That was one of my special Christmas moments...not fun or entertaining but hopeful and all about renewal.

 

Now New Year is approaching I will be celebrating friendship with someone who may not be around next New Year. She supports me dealing with H and I support her dealing with cancer. But we will celebrate hope and faith and the connection we have.

 

And I will be celebrating all of you...you have all been a gift to me and I am glad I found you. I'm sending you all humongous (H)ugs ;-) x

 

 

 

 

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Dear Janice... I just came across this thread. I'm sorry to hear about your friend who's dealing with cancer. That's really tough. We've lost a family member to cancer this year, and what's worst, her daughter just got a cyst removed that was precancerous. You're right, cancer makes herpes simplex seem like a nuisance. It pains me to hear that you've been in so much pain these past couple weeks. I'm not going to go into some elaborate "do this" and "don't do that" speech here. Sometimes it's just best to be present, quietly, and move through the unpleasant emotions together. If it's raining, let it rain... right?

 

I wish you love, and I wish you health. And I'll say a prayer for both your friend and you. Stay strong. You're an inspiration and we need your light around these parts!

 

Your friend from NYC,

Carlos

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