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Disclosure #2

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I disclosed for the second time last weekend. I have had HSV2 for almost a year now. I want to post my first disclosure story at some point because it was also a really positive experience (although the relationship didn't work out for other reasons), but this time it was really special.


I was dating this guy for about six weeks, but over that time we got really close. We had epically long dates (like, lasting days at a time on the weekends), and deep down, I really did believe he would be okay with it, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him because the fear of rejection was so loud in my head.


In the time that I have been single between the last boyfriend and this one, I did a lot of work in therapy to come to terms with having H, and I thought I had come a really long way. Before I met him, I had accepted that H was not that big of a deal. It has not affected my health or daily life in any way except for the social stigma. I really convinced myself that I could have a healthy relationship and that this wouldn't scare guys off. I believed it wholeheartedly...


...then, I met this guy and the only thing I could think of was that he wouldn't understand and it could only ever be a deal breaker.


I told him on Friday night that there was something I was going to have to tell him. But I couldn't do it. On Saturday he told me he had thought about it a lot and had come up with a lot of "worst case scenarios" but he couldn't think of anything that would make him not want to be with me. I cried and sort of told him - he said the top three suspicions he had were:


1. I had had a botched abortion and couldn't have kids

2. I had a terminal illness

3. I had caught something from someone


He told me none of those things mattered to him and then he said, "you're not going to die soon, are you?" and I said no. And he said, "well that was the one I was most afraid of because I don't want to lose you." And then a few minutes later I said, "I didn't have an abortion either." And he said, "okay, so what did you catch?" and I burst into tears and told him the story of how I met/dated my giver. How my giver lied to me and was basically living this double life and how it really shattered me.


But I didn't tell him it was H. The next day (Sunday) I gave him a letter in my apartment (I know...it's just still hard for me to say out loud) and he read it and started smiling. Then he looked at me and said, "can you stop being so anxious now?"


He didn't really know anything about it, so I explained a lot and told him what we could do to protect him, but that there was always going to be a risk. He said, "those numbers seem really low," and I said, "yes, but there is still a chance you could get it." And he said "I know. If I get it, I get it. I think you're incredible."


Then I made a joke about how I used to be awful, but then I got H and realized I had to step up my game to be 'worth the risk'. And he said, "I don't think that's true but if it is, then I'm really glad you got it, because I love who you are right now."


So, it's been almost a week since I told him. He told me he loves me on Tuesday and we had sex for the first time on Thursday night. He actually has become even kinder to me since I told him. I am really surprised that I got this lucky, and now I'm not really scared of H anymore, but of losing him. But that's just another item on the long list of things I need to work on in therapy :)

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Ok I'm literally crying right now. Thanks you for sharing this beautiful story. I am beyond happy for you and wish you two the best. I'm about to disclose any day now to this guy that I have been seeing and whom I have a crazy amount of feelings for and I am absolutely terrified. But your story gave me a ton of hope and inspiration. I just have to finally mustar up the courage to have the talk with him.

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Thank you for sharing your experience and the happy outcome! What a beautiful story!


and now I'm not really scared of H anymore, but of losing him.


Isn't it amazing that in the midst of such happiness and joy, our mind will do it's best to sabotage that happiness??? I can see you realize this is just something else to work on ... guess your "life lessons" are not yet over, eh? ;)



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