Whats the point of living....

[ihatemyself]

I had sex with a guy (1night stand) on the 14/12.2014 silly me done it without a condom. I started getting really ill on christmas and went to the A&E they said they taught i had herpes and needed to go the clinic to make sure. I went on the 30/12/2014 and got y results on the 7/01/2015....i have herpes types 2.

 

When the doctor initially suspected it the guy said just check it out and when i called him with the results he said its fine don't cry about it just take medication. I know for fact he knew and intentionally gave it to me...how can someone be this cruel.

 

Since NY I have been locked up in my room I hardly eat or drink anything anymore. Im 28 single and nobody is going to want me PERIOD. I don't care about other people happy endings thats them not me. Nothing works out for me and this is proof for me once again. Yes bla bla bla its very common, i'm not alone, 80% of ppl have it and they dont know but who cares my life is over.

 

I was the most bubbly girl and now my family are worried as i'm so distant and locked up in my room. I have taught about killing myself im not going to lie... but I dont know how. My mom is a widow and has lost my dad in 2012 due to a stroke, it would be hard for her at first but she will get over it.

 

I feel that being off a muslim background the whole not being a V before marriage is already a taboo but i am adding the H into that equation. I personally would look the other way if someone told me they had it and now this will be me destiny. The rejected promiscuous girl who was not a V but also has herpes.

 

I told 2 of my close friends and 1 male friend they all like its ok but its easy when you on the other side of the fence.

[JessikaRabbit89]

You shouldn't be so down on yourself. The bigger picture is Herpes is nothing more than a skin condition, like people who have eczema, or psoriasis. Its also something over a billion, not million, BILLION people have, so you are FAR from being alone.

 

When I was going through my depression from finding out, my sister, who is an RN, told me "Do you know how selfish you sound? You're sitting here, crying about having herpes. Are you going to die? Do you have any missing limbs? Do you still have your health? You can easily say yes to all of these questions." She then said to me "I get patients that are so depressed because they are paralyzed from terminal illnesses that they wish they could kill themselves but physically cant". When she told me that, as brutal and cutthroat as it was, it really put things into perspective for me. I realized there are worse things to suffer from. You could have AIDS or Cancer, God forbid.

 

Just try to think on the bright side, I know its easier said than done, I know its all a process..but take it from me, who at first wanted to kill myself from this, to loving every moment of life with this.

[ihatemyself]

Cancer is better then herpes. At least ppl wont judge you and if you die you die dignified.

 

 

[mr_hopp]

Hi ihatemyself,

 

It's up to you how you see this. It seems that you're doing a super good job of convincing yourself that your life is over. :) We can all do our best to offer you different perspectives about living with herpes, but if you're not open to hearing it, then you're going to keep convincing yourself that you lead a horrible life. We're not here to convince you of anything. We're here to support you in feeling the best that you want to feel.

 

But guess what? Your life is what you make it. It's up to you.

 

You are creating your life as you speak. The words you say. The screen name you choose. The stories you tell yourself. How you treat yourself moment by moment. It's all happening now. What reality do you want to create for yourself?

 

By the way, read this blog article I wrote on the power of words:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/

 

If you read through this site and the e-book and the handouts and the herpes facts video (links below), you will find plenty of perspectives for you to see that your life isn't over. In fact, your real, authentic, humble and empowered life might just begin right now. A life where you realize that the things in life don't define you. You define you. Because if you think herpes has enough power to make your life horrible, you've got another thing coming. It's not herpes that has that power. It's YOU. And you're now using that power to convince yourself of horrible things. If you can recognize that now, half your battle is already won.

 

You can find plenty of proof out there in the world that your life is over. You can also find plenty of proof that your life is beautiful and full of potential. What matters is: Which proof will you BELIEVE? That determines your destiny.

 

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." — Henry Ford

 

e-book + handouts:

https://thehopp.leadpages.net/free-e-book/

 

herpes facts video:

 

[JessikaRabbit89]

I disagree with that. Cancer is extremely painful and mentally as well as physically exhausting and I guarantee you they would rather have herpes than a disease that will or can potentially kill them. Herpes is all in how you think of it. Most people who look at is as a disease that only promiscuous or dirty people get and attach the stigma to it, only do it because they are very little informed about the disease. I used to criticize and judge those I knew who had it too, and once it happened to me and I learned more about it, I understood that its something anybody can get, regardless of race, gender, financial status, religion, etc. Basically any and everyone who engages in sexual activity is at risk for getting herpes. Most don't even know they have it.

[mr_hopp]

And by the way, that last comment really hurt my heart. Someone very close to me has cancer. Please choose your words carefully and know the impact they have. Not just on yourself, but on others, too. You are not dying. You might just be shedding your bullshit beliefs that have been holding you back from truly living. The bullshit that would have you thinking for a millisecond that you're anything less than a powerful human being, capable of anything you put your mind to ... Don't blame how you're feeling about your life on herpes. And don't wish for cancer. That's throwing all your power away.

 

You wouldn't have come on this forum to say what you've said if you didn't see hope for yourself. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care about your life and the potential it still very much has.

 

The title of your post points you in the right direction. Because once you can honestly, with optimism and hope, truly ask yourself "What is the point of living?" and truly seek the answer for yourself, then herpes no longer negatively impacts you. Because you found something much stronger than herpes ever can be. And so the quest begins. ;)

[ihaveittoo]

Hello,

 

First, I would like to second what @JessikaRabbit89 said.

 

Second, your anger toward your giver is justified. Please don't let it lead to harming yourself.I hope you have a friend or family member you can confide in.

 

Third, many here have experianced circumstances very simular to yours. Please listen to any thoughts or advice they can offer. As someone who has had this almost 28 years now, I can tell you the beginning is the worst part.

 

Just saw @Adrial has responded. Let me tell you, he has created an amazing community here. I wish it had been around 28 years ago.Please explore this site. You can learn so much, and meet some amazing people along the way.

[ihatemyself]

Adrial and Jessikarabbit 89 I apologise to you both and anyone else about the cancer comment.

 

Adrial you seem to be mr positive and your not bad looking so i guess you wont have problems on the dating front with or without H. I on the other hand am not the prettiest girl in the world and sex was somehow my bargaining chip. Now that freedom gone i have no hope, Im not being dramatic but i am expressing my opinions.

 

I know you are all going through the same thing but its not easy for me and i really do wonder if i can be as positive as you.

I would need to worry about the talk and rejections. I had enough guy rejections in life and know the H will make that worse.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ihatemyself

 

First - Hello and Welcome! And (((HUGS))) friend..... I hear your pain right now and I hope you will be open to letting us help you to move through it.

 

So here is what I see. First - while your "giver" knew he had it, I'm not 100% convinced that he gave it to you intentionally.... from what you say he said, I'm just guessing here that for HIM, Herpes is no big deal. That doesn't mean what he did (not disclosing to you and not using a condom) was ok or right ..BUT, life is all about perspective and *perhaps* his is that Herpes is not something that affects *him* and he hasn't thought about how the DIAGNOSIS devastates so many (the virus generally wreaks less havoc on the majority of people than the stigma does). I could be wrong here. Just my impression given his reaction.

 

Second, honey, your life is FAR from over. I hear you have the issues of the Muslim culture to deal with already and now you have Herpes on top of it. But there are many progressive Muslim men out there... many well educated men ... and that's only assuming you would only marry within the Muslim culture. AND, remember, there will be Muslim men with Herpes as well .... so while I am sure that you may face some extra challenges with this, you may also find that you will find a man who is MORE empathetic and loving through this .... you may have to search a little more to find him, but I can bet he is out there.

 

As for your comment on cancer... check out this post by a woman who has had to deal with both:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2366/id-rather-have-cancer

 

So what is the point of living? You have 3 friends who already know who have supported you and who would be devastated if you let a virus cause you to take your life that obviously to them changes NOTHING about how they feel about you. Because you have a mother who has already suffered a loss and who would likley blame HERSELF for not knowing that you were suffering or that she didn't know how to help. And because Muslim Women need someone like you to be an example of the strength that women can show even in adversity and how you can choose to allow a culture and/or stigma to run your life, or you can CHOOSE how YOU want to be and how you want to live your life even while honoring the parts of the culture that are beautiful and wonderful... there are many very strong, powerful women in Muslim culture who have said NO to certain parts of the culture that would have kept them from becoming leaders and business owners and such in the past. Use them as your inspiration to help you to get through this time.

 

If you take your own life, that will show that the culture is still controlling your body. If you choose life, you show that you do not have to let the beliefs around women and sex of your culture (which I assume you do not ascribe to if you were sexually active ;) ) dictate how YOU want to live your life :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[forgivenessandpeace]

@ihatemyself I'm so sorry to hear that you became infected with this virus from a partner who (sounds like) knew he was a carrier. It's not a diagnosis anyone wants to hear. Please be aware there are at least 2 components to this infection: a) the physical fight your immune system mounts, and b) the mental battle we all have being h+. It's hard to make any progress on the mental/emotional front until the initial physical outbreak is under control. How are your physical symptoms?

[WCSDancer2010]

Adrial you seem to be mr positive and your not bad looking so i guess you wont have problems on the dating front with or without H. I on the other hand am not the prettiest girl in the world and sex was somehow my bargaining chip. Now that freedom gone i have no hope, Im not being dramatic but i am expressing my opinions.

 

Funny - I almost posted this link above which addresses this point of view but I felt I had said enough already ... perhaps this will help you to see things a little differently now:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

[forgivenessandpeace]

Also, this: "I on the other hand am not the prettiest girl in the world and sex was somehow my bargaining chip." <---- Perhaps this is an underlying problem that hsv2 is TRIGGERING on several fronts. You deserve so much more from/for your sex life!!

[whitedaisies]

Well lets just say I have been there and done that.

 

The way I contracted ghsv1 was a total fluke and I will spare you the details.

 

However I understand how you are feeling.

 

I lost 20 pounds, fell into a deep depression, thoughts of suicide obsessed my mind for a month until antidepressants kicked in, marriage failure, boyfriend failure. Alone w herpes a mother of 3 and it was petrifying

 

I would say I was probably rock bottom for quite a few months but u know what? It's been a year and I am better....I still think of h but it is not constant, I don't want to kill myself thank goodness that is no answer, I can function, I enjoy the little things now.../

 

Therapy twice a week and antidepressants is what saved me and I can't forget this site!!! Adrial and Dancer and every other wonderful person here.

 

Come on here and vent and kick and scream and cry. There is someone here always to respond.

 

You will get better i promise....I have been there. I am fighting myself back to living bc I want to experience some things yet....some great things and you do too.

 

Xo

[MMissouri]

I think that you should pause for a minute and take a look at what you think makes you unattractive. Maybe make a list some things that you don't like about yourself? Then take that list and narrow it down to what you can change, and what you can't. From there you could focus on changing what is changeable and accepting what isn't. Give yourself a purpose.

 

To me it sounds as if H is just the icing on top of other self esteem issues. I can relate to that. I'm sure a few of us can.

 

Granted Adrial is attractive, but I really think that personality goes farther than looks. There is something about people who are happy that draws other people to them. Intelligence is another one. I could go on and on. What is attractive to you? Most people don't want someone long term just because they "look good". Think about that. It's really much more than looks. Whether you see it or not, I'm sure you have something that makes you attractive to others.

 

I love the link WCS shared (Yoga/self love). Check it out.

[Ratpack1904]

I haven't been on here in a minute. And honestly I was feeling this way today just how your feeling . So I came here to gain something other than stay in my bed and eat cheesecake . Like all the other posts before overtime it does get better . Yes somedays it's hard and other days you forget you have it . Just hang in there and surround yourself with positive people . It's okay to have meltdowns we all do . As for romantic relations. Give it time the right people who understand will come . I experienced the same circumstances . Just do whatever it takes to find peace & good things will benefit from it

[seeker]

my friend, it will get better. I am @ 6 months post diagnosis and am worlds away from where I was then. barely even think about herpes most days and it only enters my mind when I do the daily scoping of the area, which in all honesty is something we should be doing anyway, tho im not too inclined to look at man junk even if it is mine.

 

and attractiveness is an odd thing, just look around you sometime. ive seen some fugly dudes with hot women and what I would think were decent looking guys with women I found utterly unattractive. I have also seen women who were not what I would consider attractive yet had a sexiness to them that literally oozed out and women who were drop dead gorgeous who had nothing sexy about them at all to me. wanna know something? I don't find Angelina jolie attractive at all, does nothing for me one bit yet she is considered one of the worlds most beautiful women yet I find Amy pohler attractive cause she is so clever and funny and given the choice would rather have sexy time with Amy, even if it isn't sexually spectacular I know its going to be fun!!!