Why are people not willing to disclose?

[officer195]

I've forgiven the woman that had given this to me and forgave myself as well for not asking up front for a medical examination before having unprotected sex. But, why do people not disclose such a thing as herpes to another, is it fear of rejection, even though knowing they could pass such onto another person?

Just doesn't make sense to me, what is the point of hurting another person? Just trying to wrap my head around it.

[hippyherpy]

Fear of rejection. The rejection part is definitely out there, but it's not something to fear so much. I've been rejected and have had successes as well. It does suck to be on 100% course for sex and than reveal this thing and that stops it.

 

I think that can be worked out depending on how you present the disclosure. Of course you do what you can to keep your partner safe, and then also do what you can to dispel the stigma from their mind. You yourself become the best example of how the stigma is BS.. you are living proof that it's nonsense, an embodiment of confidence that isn't affected by having herpes. It's not trying to downplaying the risks, but showing them that it's not a problem for you at all (at least for me it hasn't been).

 

What's powerful about that is that it can show them that you aren't a slave to larger societal forces and you can live life on your own terms and can see through the lies etc. and are not controlled by them.

 

People are probably also afraid of social stigma as well. People gossip, and a lot of people don't know much about herpes and think it's on par with HIV almost.

 

 

[officer195]

I have gotten that impression from people that they relate herpes like HIV, insane thinking. I've dated couple of women in the past that were honest up front about having herpes never caught it from them. I only caught it because I wasnt told upfront and wasn't able to take extra precautions so it bit me. But, life goes on. It stings but I'm not going to stop living because of it. Thanks for your feedback...:)

[2Legit2Quit]

For some, fear of rejection does come into play, but that's the emotional aspect of it. When you really like someone and/or care for them. Then there are some people who just want to get laid and that's more important to them, than disclosing unfortunately. Some people are just selfish and about their own needs. Then there are people who are asymptomatic and have no idea they are infected and didn't infect you because they were trying to be deceitful, they just didn't know. I had someone who knew and chose to lie to me, so I understand how you feel.

 

What's your story, hun? You didn't say much. I'm sorry you're going through this, buy I promise you'll be OK. @adrial

 

@hippyherpy he's struggling w being deceived... Another approach is warranted in his post. He's not looking to dispel the stigma. He is hurt and betrayed. You gotta read what someone's emotion's are and not what your emotions are when you respond hun. You are projecting your feelings into his situation and you're not even answering his post, but rather how you feel inside about the stigma of the virus. You gotta start putting yourself in their shoes before responding, as hard as it may be. You cannot respond as if you're them, which is what you doing. Your response is not even addressing what he's posting about. I think that this is a great post for you to recognize the disconnect you have w others hun.

[hippyherpy]

I got what he was saying. He's trying to get why people were rejected. Sometimes people get thoughts when they are writing- it's called inspiration.

 

Why are you always looking for the negative in what I write?

[2Legit2Quit]

Not at all, but you totally went off course and basically projected. As Dancer told you on another post, save your advice until basically it is conducive and you learn to empathize w how others are feeling and not what you're feeling.

[officer195]

hey guys its all good, no worries. The person I had sex with said and did the right things in order to get off. She invited me over, made me a wonderful meal even took me out to a play in order to just have sex. Once I realized something was wrong and I was getting a outbreak but didn't know it at the time she suddenly went silent and never to be heard from again. I was vulnerable at that time and she capitalized on it. Nothing I can do about it but make the best of it.

[2Legit2Quit]

@officer195 so you confronted her and she just disappeared on you? Imtao sorry.

[hippyherpy]

I'm not here just to give advice. I'm exploring my thoughts on all of this herpes stuff. If there's advice, that's great. Are you the thought police?

[2Legit2Quit]

@officer195 , my apologies for some of debauchery that has taken over your thread. Please pay no mind to any of it. This is about you, how you feel and what you're going through. Myself @wcsdancer2010, @adrial are here to support you and any concern you have. Feel free to vent openly and w out judgement, as this is what Adrial created this space for. If you need to swim in your emotions of betrayal, anger and grieving z then do that. We are here to walk you through that and I apologize of there is any insensitivity you may experience. Just know we are here and it is totally natural to feel the way you are at this moment. I did as well. How are you feeling now?

[officer195]

Life isnt fair. I'm just as much to blame as the woman that gave this to me. If I hadnt gone there, listen to my gut in the first place then I wouldnt be on this site and all would be good. I'm an adult, I made a decision to have sex without truly knowing if all was well. My mistake. As far as betrayal, anger and grieving, not happening. I forgave her and forgave myself, all is good. My thinking people should be arrested and their name should be publicly shared with the rest of the world so all should know that they aren't taking precautions for prevention so know one can get hurt. But that won't happen. Life isnt fair. Pull up my pants per say and move forward.

[2Legit2Quit]

Don't blame yourself. You cannot blame yourself for being victim to someone being a liar. Stop berating yourself and shaming yourself to think you don't deserve to griev this, just because you participated. Humans are widly naiev and trusting of others more than they should be and we never think anyone go as far to lie about something like this, until it happens to us. I knew better too, so did you, but that doesn't negate the fact that they lied for a selfish reason. You say you're not upset adn you're over it, but I can read between teh lines and you are most certaintly upset about this and taht is OK and it is normal.

 

I think you fear how much this is going to impact your life and I want you to know, that it will be very little. you're going to have to disclose and you'll have to abstain from sex at times during an ob, but I can imagine much worse things in life to deal with, how about you?!

 

Are you in the military or police force? I ask based on your profile name. i'm prior army, which is why I ask. Hugs!

[WCSDancer2010]

@officer195

 

I have to say, I agree with HH that fear of rejection is a big one, but as 2legit said, the main reason most people don't tell is they just don't know OR they have been misinformed about the virus by their Dr. So here is my 35 yrs worth of thoughts between my personal experience and what I have seen on the many forums I've been on.

 

First, do you KNOW that she knew she had Herpes, or are you assuming she knew? Playing devils advocate below so you can really understand just how complex this whole subject is:

 

Often when people are accused of passing it on when they didn't know they had it (because they have zero symptoms), they get insulted and shut down when the person tells them they gave them Herpes. Can't blame them in a way because we are led to believe that anyone with Herpes gets those nasty OB's that you see on Google...most people have NO idea that 80% of people are asymptomatic. And most people BELIEVE they are H- because they BELIEVE they have been tested, which literally adds insult to injury for them when someone comes and says "You gave me herpes" - and they just get pissed and cut you off rather than getting informed and getting tested.

 

Also, many are given bad/outdated info by their Dr's. Back when I got it we were told that if you didn't have an outbreak you were "safe" and that you didn't need to tell your partners. Sadly there are many Dr's out there who are HORRIDLY behind the times with their info who are still spreading that info even though it's been more generally known for at LEAST 10 (maybe 15) years (among the larger medical population) that asymptomatic shedding seems to be the cause of most new cases today. In which case when you told her, she may have been mortified that she passed it on unwittingly and has just cut off out of embarrassment and fear of what you will do now.

 

And then, like HH said, there's the fear of rejection. I see it on here all the time. People get diagnosed and the first thing they say on here is "No one will love me now. Who will want to date me now that I'm a dirty slut" or something like that. The fear of rejection is an incredibly powerful force. It actually has a very primitive PHYSICAL as well as psychological affect on us. I'll put a few links below for your education - when I first read this I was fascinated when I really got how primitive our reactions are to that fear, and the reason for that primitive reaction.

 

I don't know your whole story - but one thing I DO know. When something happens, there's your story, their story, and what actually happened. You didn't have a good gut instinct about her ... and that may have been valid. AND, (assuming she's in the asymptomatic 80%) she may have made that dinner and gone to all that trouble because she REALLY liked you and when you then "accused" her (in her mind) of giving you Herpes, well, she *may* have gone to the Dr and been told by him/her that your accusation was false because she has no symptoms and to not worry about it. Yes. There ARE some dumb-assed Dr's out there giving out REALLY bad info. So again, just playing devils advocate here.

 

This is the real problem with H. Too much ignorance. Too much misinformation. Too many Dr's whose understanding of the virus is behind the times (to them, it's a nuisance skin virus in an inconvenient place and thus they put their time into becoming more educated about "important" things like cancer and mental health issues... and don't get up to date on H). And until the CDC gets on board and recommends all get tested, I fear that this will continue because it's going to take a huge shake-up in the medical community to affect a real change.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

 

[officer195]

2legit I am not in fear of this, it is more of a hinderance than anything else. I've experienced great challenges throughout my life, consequences come with bad decisions, that's life. It's a matter of time to adjust, not asking God to take it away, but, asking him to make me bigger and stronger to overcome this and to be used in anyway possible for all ages that one has to ask questions, get exams, be in a solid relationship before having sex. I followed those rules for 7 years after my wife left me. But, I slipped up once and it bit me. Was tired of the dating seen, the lies , was working long hours day and night, it was Christmas and alone. Was tempted, couldn't resist, wanted to have fun without asking all the questions before hand, took the chance, enjoyed the moment and things happen. As far as my background, I work in law enforcement help to keep our communities safe.

 

Dancer, thank you for your thoughts, there could be some truth to that and with that said I'm not going to dwell on this. It's done, I have herpes, not the end of the world, life is still great and God has a plan. We all have our demons, last week I was a wreck, over the weekend I adjusted, this week I'm pressing on. I'm 52 with a lot of life left in me, a skin disease won't keep me down.

[Bambina3]

@officer195 I also come here just to vent at times. I have also had someone I was dating way back when just leave in silence...it totally stinks, I went thru a host of emotions on how someone could do that to someone...someone told me to view it as the "cowardly" way out...that is how I got over it (if that helps)

Being hsv2 positive....I can tell you I still struggle with disclosure issues, too many to set forth...but I wish you luck and send positive thoughts!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Dancer, thank you for your thoughts, there could be some truth to that and with that said I'm not going to dwell on this. It's done, I have herpes, not the end of the world, life is still great and God has a plan. We all have our demons, last week I was a wreck, over the weekend I adjusted, this week I'm pressing on. I'm 52 with a lot of life left in me, a skin disease won't keep me down.

 

I'm 54 - had HSV1 since I was 4, HSV2 since my first sexual experience around 17.... and I can tell you H will only keep you down if you let it. So good for you for working through it. You may still have some "bad days" for awhile yet. That's ok. We all do for one reason or another. We are here to support you when you need us....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[officer195]

Back at ya. I know plenty of folks that would take this over their cancer. Pressing on Dancer...

[hippyherpy]

Back at ya. I know plenty of folks that would take this over their cancer. Pressing on Dancer...

 

It's interesting because while I don't think there is any way to prepare for getting cancer or learning that someone as it, I think an experience like finding out your have an incurable disease like herpes might have some kind of effect on hearing future diagnosis.

 

Reason being that we have to deal with the the "incurable" aspect where as people who don't are going to be encountering it for the first time. Maybe the shock won't be as bad.. I can't say for sure though.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well thanks for serving our community. I know how hard it must be to be an OLE at this point in time and I think that's a lot more difficult than herpes. Keep your head in the game and don't focus on H. You need to have your head clear being a cop to protect yourself.

[officer195]

I wish I could say it has been difficult, only for a couple of days. It will most likely slow my sex life down in a certain perspective but pother than that it is all good. God has a plan, could be talking to teens about herpes or adults, who knows. My head is clear, Legit. Thanks for your concerns.

[2Legit2Quit]

Glad you're doing better. Just know that women in their late 40s on up, have a higher ratio of those younger to have herpes. 49 and under it's like 1-4 women and that gap closes even more after that age, so you'll have a pretry high chance of running into soneone w it when dating.

[officer195]

I agree, being divorced and dating these past 7 years I run have run into many ladies that have herpes all of which were very honest accept for the one that gave it to me. The woman I'm dating now doesn't have it and I want that to remain that way for her.

[2Legit2Quit]

We're you ok w those other women who disclosed or did you pass?

[officer195]

Actually I dated 3 out of the 5 that told me. Herpes wasn't ever the reason not to date someone, it was all the other factors that played in that kept me from dating them, young children, unorganized, financially in the hole, hadn't let go of the past.

I'm still taken back how one individual could be so flippin selfish just to get off in order to risk another persons health, mine , yours and each and every person that has gotten it knowing that they had it. Blows my how selfish people can be just have a romp in the sheets.

[2Legit2Quit]

Oh trust me, I know how you feel. I have autoimmune disease's and caught this when I was a mo the away from being diagnosed. I had neuropathy so severe, I felt like a burn victim and had to go to the ER and be put on nerve pain meds for four months. I have obs almost daily and meds don't help. My nerves never went back to the normal. Hard surfaces are a no go for me. Always have some tenderness in my buttock especially and back of thighs. When I confronted my giver, he told me to never contact him again. I totally understand how you feel. This feeling will go away.. I don't think about it much anymore, because of i do, it makes me stay angry about something I can neevr change.