Why are people not willing to disclose?

[officer195]

Then we and everyone else on here shall get through this together. One thing this has taught me is to slow down and stay out of the bedroom. God warned me enough times but I did it my way and this is what I have to show for it. The ol saying if it's to good to be true it usually is. When she offered I should've ran but I'm just as responsible and didn't ask for a full medical exam before having sex. The choices we make....

[StillMeButWiser]

Ok I'm gonna put myself out here and stir the pot. Since I was diagnosed there has been times were I haven't disclosed. For mentioned reasons and others. Some might not agree but I did what was best for me at the time while not lessening precautions.

 

Amazes me how I am suppose to trust enough to disclose to the guy on the first, second, third, etc date who is eagerly trying to get down my pants and not once do they take the minute to ask about stds or even come prepared with a condom or even care if they use a condom when they don't even know their status having never been checked. Just going off, no symptoms I'm clean philosophy. And since I know my status I'm suppose to solely take on the full responsibility? I am already taking on part of the responsibility by taking valtrex and providing condoms.

 

Yesterday I was on a date and my date says, I have no stds, don't want any, I am a germ fobia. In my mind I'm thinking well good bye to you. Hours later thinking of the it I thought, well I said the same thing too pre herpes. No one never wants an std. We don't set out to contract nor do we deserve it. It's all a matter of bad luck. I used condoms and still contracted it.

 

One guy I dated didn't want to use condoms and said he was clean. Thought I was wrong for wanting to use. Boy I couldn't slap that condom fast enough. But yet if he got something I am to blame.

 

people are so quick to blame others for their misfortunate. We get the flu and blame the nearest coworker for sneezing on us. We get herpes and blame the last physical contact because we didn't stop in the moment to take precaution to protect our selves the way we want to be protected. So why blame other Person? It's our health and body therefore our responsibility.

 

I don't care if people don't agree with my past decisions. its all personal preference. One thing herpes has taught me was not to trust when someone says they are clean. When someone says it now to me my response always is, they all say that. Dicks are dirty. Lol.

 

When two consenting adults have sex, protective or not things will happen. If you don't want to accept any of the responsibilities don't play adult games. Takes two to tango.

[officer195]

Agreed, it is all about choices. I played the hand that was dealt to me and lost. Should've folded and ran when I had the chance.

[2Legit2Quit]

I agree, to a point. Those other people either knkw they're clean, making the assumption they're clean it are unaware .. When we're aware of our diagnosis, we have a more and legal obligation to disclose. I personally feel that just because others are choosing to be wreckless, doesn't absolve me to lie by omission.. Just my POV. Everyone's moral compass has different azimuths.

[hippyherpy]

Ok I'm gonna put myself out here and stir the pot. Since I was diagnosed there has been times were I haven't disclosed. For mentioned reasons and others. Some might not agree but I did what was best for me at the time while not lessening precautions.

 

Amazes me how I am suppose to trust enough to disclose to the guy on the first, second, third, etc date who is eagerly trying to get down my pants and not once do they take the minute to ask about stds or even come prepared with a condom or even care if they use a condom when they don't even know their status having never been checked. Just going off, no symptoms I'm clean philosophy. And since I know my status I'm suppose to solely take on the full responsibility? I am already taking on part of the responsibility by taking valtrex and providing condoms.

 

Yesterday I was on a date and my date says, I have no stds, don't want any, I am a germ fobia. In my mind I'm thinking well good bye to you. Hours later thinking of the it I thought, well I said the same thing too pre herpes. No one never wants an std. We don't set out to contract nor do we deserve it. It's all a matter of bad luck. I used condoms and still contracted it.

 

One guy I dated didn't want to use condoms and said he was clean. Thought I was wrong for wanting to use. Boy I couldn't slap that condom fast enough. But yet if he got something I am to blame.

 

people are so quick to blame others for their misfortunate. We get the flu and blame the nearest coworker for sneezing on us. We get herpes and blame the last physical contact because we didn't stop in the moment to take precaution to protect our selves the way we want to be protected. So why blame other Person? It's our health and body therefore our responsibility.

 

I don't care if people don't agree with my past decisions. its all personal preference. One thing herpes has taught me was not to trust when someone says they are clean. When someone says it now to me my response always is, they all say that. Dicks are dirty. Lol.

 

When two consenting adults have sex, protective or not things will happen. If you don't want to accept any of the responsibilities don't play adult games. Takes two to tango.

 

I made a whole thread about this. The tricky thing with herpes is that even with a condom, it can still get passed. Out of all the STDs, herpes might be the most easily passed on one.

 

Therefore, they should know if you have it or not, but I also think there should be some kind of law about the other party having to at least ask the partner if they have any STDs instead of having all the burden on the infected person.

 

I think this would actually help to create more dialogue about these matters than trying sweep it under the cultural carpet where it can grow, which is exactly what's going on in the world today. In some cities in the US, 1/4 people have hsv2. That's an epidemic. Not necessarily the worst kind of epidemic, but it's rampant.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well said @hippyherpy ... I think the 1-4 women having it applies just in general, not even specific to certain areas. If they would start including herpes testing in the standard screening, everyone would be aware of their diagnosis and it would really help to dismiss the stigma. It's just in my personal opinion, that big pharma doesn't want it destigmatized and the CDC and FDA Likely gets financial incentives from big pharma and is why it's not included in testing. Big money in managing the disease w meds, not preventing it or curing it. Just my personal opinion.

[StillMeButWiser]

Easy because people are ignorant of herpes plus lack of self care of going to doctor to see what is causing the returning rash.

 

There are some countries were close to 90% of the population has it. Since that the case is it still an epidemic or just a way of life like cold sores seem to be in the U.S? The cdc doesn't not see it as life threatening. So in my opinion "epidemic" seems very harsh.

 

It is very hard for people to admit any kind of problems down below never mind having hsv. Genitial area has always been known as the sacred area. Performing has defined masculinity. sex may be more open and casual these days but the old fashion values surrounding it dictates all.

[2Legit2Quit]

Harsh or not, the spread of herpes is true to the term epidemic let the definition.

ep·i·dem·ic

ˌepəˈdemik/

noun

1.

a widespread occurrence of an infectious disease in a community at a particular time.

"a flu epidemic"

synonyms: outbreak, plague, pandemic, epizootic

"an epidemic of ty

[officer195]

ok here is a question. If two people have herpes (a couple) can you have unprotected sex with one another or can it get even worse for both?

[hippyherpy]

Trying to pretend like it isn't out there and widespread is a big problem because not only does give people a false sense of the risks, it feeds stigma. If more than half people got hsv2, then the stigma would lose its power, like hsv1oral.

[2Legit2Quit]

Yes, both can have sex and not worry about making it worse. Obviously neither should have sex during an OB, but no worries if both have it.

[officer195]

I certainly have learned quite a bit about this virus in the last 2 weeks. I wish I had known about this site 3 years ago when I became more active in my sex life.

[WCSDancer2010]

ok here is a question. If two people have herpes (a couple) can you have unprotected sex with one another or can it get even worse for both?

 

If you both have the SAME strain, after the first few months (if one of you just acquired H...) you will be fine. If one is recently diagnosed, until they have time to make the antibodies (4-6 Mo for most) I'd proceed with caution. Once the antibodies have built up you basically can't get *more* of the same strain.

 

If one has HSV1 and one has HSV2, you need to be a *little* more careful, especially for the one with H1. *Supposedly* H2 protects from H1, but not as much the other way around (H1 for H2).

[WCSDancer2010]

@StillMeButWiser

 

Regarding your choice to not disclose:

 

First of all, I agree - BOTH people *should* take responsibility for at least asking about STD's and bringing a condom to the party. However, given that we KNOW our status, I do believe that at least a little more of the burden rests morally on us.

 

Part of the reason is that we are just plain better educated than the average person thanks to our status. FAR too many people are horridly badly informed about STD's (as you said, they think they can't see anything so that means they are "clean"). WE know better.

 

Part of the reason is that in some states, legally, you could find yourself in jail or heavily fined if you were found to not disclose when you have a diagnosis.

 

Part of the reason is, in *our* opinion here on this forum, that it's just the right thing to do. When you know better, you do better.

 

And Part of the reason is that, as HH said, in disclosing we take one more stab at the stigma. We own it and put it out there as just one of those potential deal breakers, just like @officer195 said...there are plenty of reasons someone may walk away: young children, unorganized, financially in the hole, hadn't let go of the past. If you can put Herpes into that perspective, the stigma slides right away.

 

I have actually coached people who have been venting about getting H to at least accept *some* part of the responsibility... it doesn't always go over well at first but generally accepting responsibility often helps that person let go of the anger at the other person... so again, yes, we BOTH are responsible.

 

But you don't want to be in a situation where, despite the odds because of condoms and meds, someone gets H from you and comes back to you about it. It's likely to get really ugly... I've found that when someone has sex KNOWING the risk, they generally accept their diagnosis a LOT better... so perhaps if for no other reason, THIS is why it's right to disclose.

 

Besides.... not bringing it up puts YOU at risk of other STD's... Even if you use condoms, HPV can be passed on to you... and if the condom breaks, far worse things.....

 

That is our stance here. You are the one who has to live with your choices .... just remember, you lost the STD Roulette game with a condom on. It could happen to you that you are on the other side some day. It will be a LOT easier to live and deal with if you have disclosed friend ... believe me :)

[officer195]

Dancer, no disrespect but you get way deep at times with your responses. One might as well forget ever having sex for the next 5 years after the first outbreak.

 

[officer195]

that wasn't meant in a mean way just to let you know.

[2Legit2Quit]

Why "might as well forget ever having sex for the next 5yrs after the first OB?

[officer195]

Question, will it always remain tender where the ob took place?

[hippyherpy]

You can get into legal trouble if you don't disclose in some states? Is that the case only if you don't disclose and it gets transmitted.

 

The legality of herpes- being able to prove who transmitted is screwed up. You could have herpes and have sex with someone and not transmit it, then they could go and catch it from someone else and take you to court for it and you might fe inclined to plead guilty even though you weren't the one who passed it on.

 

There is no real way to really prove who gave it. Someone could say that they didn't have any other partners but there's no way to really back that up I think unless the person went into a coma or something right after you have it to them and wasn't able to have sex with anyone else.

 

Also, who is to say that they didn't get herpes before you? Most people don't even get checked for herpes so they don't know there status. They could have it and then think you gave it to them.

[officer195]

another question, when is it safe to have sex after an ob? I don't see any more open sores just pink dots that were once sores.

[2Legit2Quit]

No... It just takes to to calm things down after your primary. Took me a bit to feel normal again down there.

 

@hippyherpy if soneone comes up negative on a blood test and a positive swab, it was a new infection for them. You can catch people in text messages. I could have proved my giver gave it to me, from our text convo when I confronted him.

 

I'd wait till all symptoms clear. Usually after they're clear, 10 days just to make sure viral load went back down.

[officer195]

HH, when you say clear does that mean I won't be able to se anything on my skin? My ob started on the 23rd. Started taking meds on Dec 2, open sores are gone just pink dots are left over and a bit of tenderness.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@officer195 I've not had blisters on skin, so I don't have too much experience with blisters/scabs, but @adrial has said before:

 

"To answer your question specifically, generally I like to wait about a week after the scabs have fallen off before having sex again. In other words, once everything feels back to normal down there, I wait a week after that just to be very safe and protect my partner. "

 

(full thread is here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1705/another-herpes-outbreak-and-scared-how-long-to-wait-to-have-sex-again)

 

But, reading your post, it sounds like they're still pink "dots" which means the healing process is still happening.

 

To help you understand the progression of an outbreak and the location of the virus, I think this chart is super helpful. As you can see, the most virus particles are before/during the blister stage, but then there's still some there during healing. If you're experiencing any tenderness (and don't feel "normal" as adrial said), then there's a chance the little buggers are still there.

 

http://www.oaaction.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/the-herpes-virus-hsv1-hsv2.jpg

 

 

[officer195]

should a person use a condom at all times or is it ok not to at times especially the first year?

[WCSDancer2010]

You can get into legal trouble if you don't disclose in some states? Is that the case only if you don't disclose and it gets transmitted.

 

The legality of herpes- being able to prove who transmitted is screwed up.

 

Yes - in some states the law states if you don't disclose and you KNOW you had H, the person can come after you for damages... it started with HIV (quite rightly, given at the time that the laws were passed that it was killing people) but they included ALL STI's in some states...

 

And yes, it's screwed up ... but the point is you don't want to be accused and have to defend yourself. It becomes a hot mess for BOTH parties because your lawyers will go after both of you to bring your past sex life into the courtroom to try to prove that you knew ....