2 years and still raw...

[DrNoLove]

I've posted before - a while back.

I was diagnosed 6/2014. 1st exposure/no antibodies- from a partner that, despite all of the conversations and discussions about using protection and testing, wasn't, and didn't - against my permission.

Last week I went to renew my prescription for acyclovir. I HATE taking that stuff.. it's like a reminder, twice a day, that I trusted the wrong person, and was taken advantage of - among other things.

I know the stats. I have the info. I've confronted the person. I've done and read all the things that I'm supposed to do.

 

I can't date. I can't even think about it. I want to stop the meds, but worry what will happen if I do. Life is hard enough without this CONSTANTLY hanging over my head. Sometimes it's just those pills twice a day that remind me.. Others it's all day long - like when I'm around other people, especially men.

 

I honestly don't know how those of you that seem to have such a positive attitude about this, have done it.. I've been in a serious depression for over 2 years of it because of it.. And frankly, I'm tired of it - but knowing that I can't make it go away (H), feel like there's no end.

[green]

I'm sorry you still feel so down. This condition is not unlike any other reoccurring skin condition, it's just in a different, less convenient place. I promise, you will know when you find someone worth disclosing to. You will find people that care about YOU. You are not defined by this condition. Not even close. Are you I counseling? That really helped me a lot. I've educated my friends, my family, my partners. I feel like I've built my own army. Always remember you are worthy of happiness.

[DrNoLove]

Every time I post on here I get one of two responses.. either the type of placating "aw, I understand sweetie" or nastiness. I've gotten both from the 2 posts I've written/responded to within the last 2 days.

 

I am mad as hell. Counseling isn't going to fix that. It's not going to give me my sex life back, my self-confidence, my body, my 30 seconds twice a day taking these stupid pills, or the rest of the time and space that this takes up in my head when I should be thinking about more important things.

 

Maybe it's not a big deal to you, but it's a big freaking deal to me.. and to a lot of people. I'm not in denial. I don't want to have to disclose. I don't want to have an additional barrier to relationships. I did not ask for this. I did not have a say. And I'm f'ing pissed. So you can pat me on the head all you want, but I've got my claws out.

 

Two years and I'm more angry than I ever was.

[MMissouri]

Stop taking the meds. That's really a personal choice.

 

I've deleted, rewrote, and deleted my replies- trying to avoid nastiness or placating, but I really don't think the replies matter.

 

Vent away. Do you have anything to help with the release of that anger? Do you work out or ? Everyone gets stuck in their heads and it's hard as hell to get out and away from the negative thoughts. Counseling does help some people, but they have to be willing participants. I personally think it's up to the person to make the changes they need to make. So, drop the pill taking and get back the 30 seconds lost, and then look at the rest of the list. Can I give that back? Adrial? The forum? Nah.. it's on you. Sucks.. but there you go. (We can help though, if you are willing)

 

When I'm angry (and yes your post resonates for me and I'm sure a lot of others) I realize I'm really angry with myself, my decisions, etc. It's easy to find something to direct that anger towards (givers, pills, society), but in the end, we just have to deal with it. Move on. Let it go.

 

Or.. continue on as you are. I'm thinking you don't like yourself at the moment or you wouldn't be posting. It's not easy, and it's not going to happen overnight. And it takes commitment. It's hard work. So, are you up for it?

[optimist]

@DrNoLove If you haven't tried this already, I wonder if it might help to either attend a support group or speak with a therapist about the circumstances under which you contracted herpes (the fact that your partner agreed to use protection and then penetrated you without protection against your will). Perhaps it's necessary to process emotions about being physically violated by an intimate partner before you can move forward in processing your diagnosis.

 

I can tell you that it took me 2-3 months to process my diagnosis, but it took me years to fully process an incident of being violated by an intimate partner (this was many years ago and unrelated to HSV). The anger and trust issues that resulted from that violation permeated many aspects of my life. Maybe if you're able to work through the experience of being violated, enough fear and anger will be alleviated to free you up to process your diagnosis. I truly don't know but thought I would at least make a suggestion as you are clearly in a lot of pain and I hate to hear of you suffering for so long. Apologies in advance if you find the idea offensive or if my approach rubbed you the wrong way.

[DrNoLove]

Thank you for the honest replies. Those are honestly the best two replies I've received since joining.

 

I've been processing, support grouping, and talking about this, in one way or another, for over 2 years. It's not better.. and believe me, I don't want to be dealing with this anymore.. I've been considering other avenues, but haven't been able to bring that to fruition yet. And rationally, like I said, I know "the facts". It's different when it's you. It would be nice if I could look at it as "just a skin condition", or "just a number/statistic".. but it's not. That's the reality.

[Bambina3]

I have not read any of your posts until now but I can tell you, I also struggle very much...it was a year August that I found out, and it still feels like yesterday.....I haven't disclosed, nothing, just moozing along life and putting it on the back burner like it didn't happen to me. I have been doing research, listening to videos, reading on the disease, but I've put myself in an emotionless state I think when I do it....it's the only way right now i know how to cope.

 

I also hear/people talk about it being a skin condition in a not good place...I know that's basically what it is...but I also know it's a life long incurable std that is frowned upon by uneducated people....however, when I put myself in a negative persons shoes, would I have sex with me and take the risk?? The answer is no.,.and I know that.

So now what???

I don't have the answers, but what I do know, is I share in your struggle.

Hugs!!

[MMissouri]

It is a skin condition, caused by a virus. The virus happens to be sexually transmitted. The stats are just how many people actually carry the virus. So yes, it's common, but unless testing protocols change, society isn't going to realize how common it really is. So, there is a stigma associated with it. And that stigma is what really affects the majority of people that have herpes. That positive test result brings every joke, innuendo, negative feeling associated with H to your front door. And it also brings company, every doubt you've had about yourself comes to the surface as well. (I'm not perfect, rich, beautiful, fit, funny, worthy, whatever..and now I have herpes on top of that)

 

I do think that a part of how badly it impacts people is how they viewed herpes before their positive. It doesn't help if you thought it was something only promiscuous, dirty people get. Or if you thought it was gross. And getting past that and realizing other people don't necessarily view it that way is a step in itself.

 

It really is about changing your thinking. In order to feel somewhat normal, you have to embrace the new normal. There is no changing your status, so your choice is to change how you react to it. It may seem like everyone is placating, has their head in the clouds, and are not accepting that they have an STD-or trying to change what that STD really is. But in reality, it's how you move on. It's how you find yourself again. It's letting go of all the negative thoughts we've all had at one time or another, and trying to stay positive. You ever hear that parable-the Tale of Two Wolves? I love it..in this instance- which feeling will be stronger? The one you feed..

[Katidid]

I have to agree with MMissouri....also want to add that I take a pill twice per day too and yes.... it's a reminder. I've done this over 30 years!!! My husband takes 15 pills per day as a reminder he has stg 4 incurable cancer... I know you don't want to hear that either. It appears you don't want to hear much!!! The first step in getting past a lot of this is wanting to or allowing yourself to do it. None of us are thrilled about having this, but you have to make the best of what you've got. I am happily married for 21 years and my husband is completely H-. I never made it a big deal when I disclosed to him and he never took it that way and never brings it up. So you see, you really can have a nice life.

[DrNoLove]

People are quick to tell you how you should or should not feel. "Get over it." "It's just a skin disease." "It's not a big deal." "You can have a nice life." etc.

If you're not thrilled about having it.. aren't you allowed to feel that way?

 

Stop trying to convince me that I shouldn't care, and that it doesn't matter. It matters.

 

Like I said, I know the science. I know the stats. I know the actual location (not skin - but nerves) of the virus and how it sheds. The information, is irrelevant. Maybe some find peace in it - but I don't.

 

So, please.. stop telling me how I should handle this.

[MMissouri]

I don't think anyone is thrilled about having herpes. I've yet to see a post that says "I'm HSV positive.. and I'm thrilled with my diagnosis"

 

We are not trying to convince you that you shouldn't care and that it doesn't matter. But we are saying that in the long run it will lessen. Most of us that say it's not a big deal have been dealing with this for a long time. We've adjusted. Some have had relationships that have eased our fears and really made it insignificant. One day hopefully you will experience that as well. It helps with the healing- time and acceptance. The best medicine for H in my opinion.

 

No one is saying how you should feel. We are acknowledging your feelings and trying to help you get past them. But like I said above, the only true person that can help you is you. You have to be willing. And it doesn't look like you are at that point yet. And that's okay too.

[corlissa]

You're absolutely right, it sucks a whole f***ing lot. I'm struggling too. I agree with previous comments about finding a therapist to help you work through the complex, layered emotions you have over this. I have so much regret, resentment, anger, bitterness surrounding not just the physical pain but also the nature by which I was infected (sexual assault). Unfortunately this is incurable and it's awful. So, our choice is to be angry, or to not be angry. This is your life, and you get to make the decision. I honestly go back and forth between despair and hope. I keep trying to be supportive to myself and tell myself it will be ok. If I'm thinking about how awful it is to have herpes, I try to counter that thought with a supportive/positive thought. That's the best advice I can give.

[Sweetsoulxo]

DrNoLove, I share your feelings completely.

[Blaccstarr]

I feel the same way... I just found out last week that I have it and I've been emotionally a wreck ever since from anger to sadness to feeling like my life is over and my sex life. I don't have any children yet and that's all I can think about is I can never have sex again and I'll never have a baby and my life is over. I'm still learning about this virus and I honestly don't know much about it other than my doctor saying it's very common and isn't a big deal and that outbreaks are 5 to 6 times a year and she'll only give me meds when I have an outbreak and so I'm pretty much learning everything else on my own. I have no idea what I'm doing and how to live my life anymore. I have HSV2 and haven't told anyone. I don't know what to do or what to say and I'm still angry about it and then sad