Aerial2013

Your mission now should you choose to accept it is to read your words with a tone of regret and frustration over what's been lost...imagine that tone, and use it as you read your words..."its changes you and changes you life. I am no longer the same person I was before this and my life is longer the same before this. Never again will I be that.person. Even if a cure is found in my life time, which I hope is soon, that person is gone" Now, re-read those same words imagining that the "you" before H was needing to learn a few things in order to move into the next phase of your life as a more complete person. Sincerely entertain the very real likelihood that there were things missing in your character before that were going to keep you in a somewhat shallow place, willing to attract and settle for partners who weren't quite right for you. Now, as you read the same words, use a tone that feels grateful if for nothing else, that you will now be looking for deeper, more meaningful connection than anything this man would have been capable of bringing to the table..."its changes you and changes you life. I am no longer the same person I was before this and my life is longer the same before this. Never again will I be that.person. Even if a cure is found in my life time, which I hope is soon, that person is gone." There is a huge difference, and that different mindset brings the peace that many of your new friends here are talking about. Again, welcome to the site, and to the new normal! ~Blessings~

Baffled...I, first, want to validate completely your anger! PISSED? Hell yes! I was pissed! It took a bit to process, but it didn't take long to process the FACT that my anger was rooted in truth...the man who gave me H told me he had it, I was willing to take a chance, then when we got together he suddenly decided he wouldn't use a condom, didn't tell me he didn't take ant-virals, and didn't tell me he'd had an o/b less than 1 week before we were together! I was also mad at myself, btw, for not putting my bag back in my car when he said he wouldn't use a condom afterall. Suffice to say, I personally feel like you have every right to be pissed. Sue away if you have to. BUT FOR ME, even though anger originates in truth...it perpetuates in lies. The lie that no one would want me, the lie that a virus "INFECTS" (a virus latches, multiplies, and attacks, bacteria multiplies and "infects), the lie that if he only had to pay for all of it I would somehow be ok, but most importantly...the biggest lie of all...that if all my desires for greater accountability for him were fulfilled, I was going to be free of having to look in the g.d. mirror and deal with my own true reflection. Do what you have to do with this in court. We live in America and have a court system for a reason. But in the end, I promise you, you will have to look in that g.d. mirror and deal with the other piece to this puzzle...you! It may SUCK too. So, if you get to the point where scene 2 of this gets hard, know a whole bunch of us are here....not to invalidate your day in court, but to say to you... Your anger is rooted in truth, but it's perpetuating in lies. Luv ya and appreciate what you bring to the table here!

"Bothersome" to bug us with 100 million n one questions???? No bother at all! AND...welcome to the NEW normal! :) You are not dumb, you are not alone, and you are definitely NOT dirty! You, like all the new friends that you just found...whether you wanted to or not (ha ha) are simply human. We can love and accept you right where you are...the hardest part is for you to give that to yourself! Welcome new friend!

It's almost 2 a.m. after the Thanksgiving holiday, and I am MOST thankful right now for sweet wine! I know, I know, alcohol can encourage an o/b...but you know, there are just some holidays that call for a nice glass of sweet wine (or 2 or 3) :) , and reflecting back on the blessings of the day: For the diversity I saw today in friends who are like family...they cover all the colors of the rainbow, and yet I am able to love them equally as individuals and value their connection to my life and mine to theirs...For the deer that hit my car tonight on the way home, because it allowed me to witness the humanity of a couple of good ol' WV redneck boys who know how to be humane...For my friend Beth who reminded me that overthinking things impedes making the good memories that come from embracing the moment, and that embracing the moment doesn't have to equal irresponsibility...For my mom, who even with all her brokenness, loves me to the very best of her ability...For my own recognition today of the value a single person has in this world we live in...For my new Italian friend, Carmelinda, who reminded me of the importance of just simply walking...and for my journey with H o/b symptoms, because H has provided the opportunity to look into a mirror and see what was there all along - a woman who ached to be loved, valued and accepted...and for my journey with H o/b symptoms, for showing me that the one and only person who can make me feel loved, valued and accepted is ME! And in realizing that, I become FREE to love, value and accept another...should we find each other! Happy (end of) Thanksgiving my new friends!

Judith mentioned L-Lysine, which I started taking also, though can't tell yet if it's helped. What did help was that a nurse friend gave me one of those little squirt/spriter bottles women use after having a baby to clean themselves when they pee. Normally women post-childbirth will fill them w warm water and squirt the water Over their labia while sitting on the toilet. I pit Dr. Bonners Tea Tre Oil castille soap ( just a drop or two because its highly concentrated) and warm water in the bottle, shook it up gently and squirted it across me after I peed (sp? Ha). I was also having my period, so I bought...don't laugh gals, k?...the larger, longer, overnight pads (great value brand worked great) and wore them all day because they didn't seem to rub as bad. I think because they were longer, they didn't press so hard on my labia when I walked around. I felt kind of frumpy, but didn't hurt as bad. Sure hope you can get some meds soon friend!

How'd I make THAT goofy smile?

Wow! In a word...ditto! :-D

WCSDancer and Hope75, I LOVE you guys! WOW I feel blessed to be on here with such REAL people! My kids are 17 and 15, and I feel certain I will tell them eventually. I've told them everything else that's been major in my life journey, and I try to be very open and real with them, so I know the day will come. They are both still navigating the finality of the divorce, though, which will take another month or so in our state. I try to watch for doors that open naturally in the course of time with my kids, as those always seem to be a more natural way to move forward with them as they grow. I want to come to an H opp weekend just so I can meet all of you!

"slippery little bugger"? LOVE that!!! SO true! Though I am no medical practitioner and can't give any advice, I can tell you that my own blood labs have offered little if any help whatsoever, probably because I was SO desperate for confirmation (or NOT !) I did them too soon. Waiting would have definitely been better for me, esp if I'd found this site to get me through the interim.

Your girlfriend certainly IS a peach! What a great perspective! Allow yourself to be in the moment with her and don't give into the temptation to surrender to negative thoughts. Over-thinking and worrying keeps us from fully receiving the love of someone like her! LOVE that you care and want her protected, and wish you the VERY best together with this amazing lady! Welcome, new friend!!!

I am sure it's a very individual thing, but for me during my last o/b... I got a cup of "tension tamer" tea (by Celestial Seasonings) with honey - my fav Turned on my music (Meditation Music - the album dated April 22, 2013 -purchased album from iTunes) BREATHE - it's true, as much as I used to mock it...I don't breathe properly when I'm seriously stressed out! I make myself expand my belly as pull my breath in deeply, leaving my chest to expand last with the inhale...hold for a sec, then gently push the breath out by pulling my belly muscles in first, slowly exhale, and again, my chest is the last to come down on the exhale. Pause at a rate that's comfortable and repeat. By doing these three things together, I've lowered my blood pressure, slowed my heart rate, even fell asleep in my chair once. Clearly I SHOULD be doing this tonight, seeing as how I'm wide awake at 3:20 in the morning! I've used any one of the three when out in the midst of a hectic daytime experience, and have always been helped by the proactive choice. Best wishes! I sure hope you find something that works for you! Hugs to you!

Oh Nexis, that sounds aweful! But it makes complete sense, esp if the itching and bumps mimic razor burn. I didn't shave during any of my o/b symptoms so far because I didn't have intense itching and was able to recognize that something was really up. Like I said earlier, OMG I hope I do NOT have to give up shaving for weeks at a time!

The man who gave me H decided he couldn't be intimate with a size 6-8 gal....he needed a size 2 gal supposedly to feel satisfied. He seemed pretty satisfied when we were together, but..OK. At first, I felt like it was totally my fault for trusting and opening up to the wrong man, and to be honest...that's still a source of shame when I think about my kids finding out. But it was NOT my fault that this man is a shallow, inconsiderate human being who doesn't value another persons feelings enough to be honest from the start. I was PISSED once I held him accountable for his part! Someone (I wish I could remember who without going back and looking) made a passing mention of a Sweeney Todd action that felt quite appropriate and funny! In the end, of my anger towards him (which I've just recently let go), forgiveness is freeing me most. At any rate, in the midst of what I've called "the blender" of the last 3-4 months, I've discovered a mirror. The "opportunity" for me to look closely into the proverbial mirrir H has provided to see what's been there all along, and finally get REAL about it. I've been getting to know someone who is also H+. We're not sexually involved in any way, but there is mutual interest and attraction that may or may not come to life in the future. Neither of us has any expectations, only expectancy...and there is a difference! It's fascinating to be at this place of potential relationship in the absence of sexual intimacy. I am REALLY enjoying learning to be who I am without a relationship defining that for me! I'm enjoying getting to know someone as a friend who respects my need for independence, enjoys my company as much as I do his, and at the end of dinner says, "This has been awesome! Can we do it again?" I enjoy sexual things aLOT (yes, younger gals...it's better in your forties), but I don't want degraded love EVER again! I don't "like" abstinence (in fact, it sucks!), but I LOVE feeling better about the truths this journey has revealed so far in ME! @defeatedbuttrying, I LOVE the raw, unedited honesty you let us in on! Thank you!

Thx Mr. Opp, no pressure other than being tired of wasting precious energy covering up sometimes. These last o/b symptoms were more painful and included flu-like stuff as well. Having to cover for why I felt bad took energy. Truth doesn't require that kind of energy, you know? I understand what you're saying, though, completely... And, Thx again!

Yes, that makes sense based on her advising me we'd lower it later.

Still feeling hesitation w/the Shamelessness Project...don't know if I can handle my kids knowing. Ugh, this shame thing constantly creeps in! If my kids find out, then they automatically find out other things. :( I'm most ashamed of degraded love, sought only out of absolute desperation to feel young, beautiful and ALIVE again! Never mind the fact that I didn't seek it until after I moved out & their dad and I were already working through our divorce. I'm just still feeling shame when I think of them knowing that I gave myself to someone of no good character, and he gave me H... This may not be an appropriate thread to post this, but this is where it crept up again...thx for the mirror, H!

You only have to take Valtrex once a day? Interesting! Now I really wonder about things! Like I said, I was prescribed 1,000 mg 2x a day for 10 days.

There are various demographics that can affect dosage, but my Dr put me on Valtrex - 1,000mg 2x a day for 10 days during my first o/b symptoms. I chose not to stay on it prophylactically, but she told me that her recommendation is at least that dose during o/b symptoms, then if o/b s drop below a certain number per year, the dose would be cut in half and could either be take just once a day or twice a day.

"But still struggling with the fear that I'll never feel completely at peace" ~ cc123 Some of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs: "Fear will take the best of us Then come back for the rest of us Its raging hunger never satisfied It’s closer than a brother And more jealous than a lover Who holds you while it swallows you alive" For me, I thought my fear of somehow being flawed, unloveable, never finding genuine love was a fear that came with my first o/b symptoms...what a revelation I've had lately to see that fear as a thread that has run through my whole existence! My first o/b symptoms just made me look at it!

Hey, you're in the right place, I'm officially a 43 yr old cry baby!!!!! LOL!!!! Cry away sister! Hell, when I feel a good cry coming on, I put on the sappiest f*^%"#g music I can find, take a hot shower and let the tears FLY!!!! I look like shit the next day (swollen eyes), but my chest at least feels better!

I know EXACTLY what you mean! I actually gave my Dr this web address, and told her if she cared about her patients, she'd at least consider checking it out and passing it on! She said she'd check it out, but who knows, honestly? cc123, I hope you can at least feel a sense of peace tonight that the voice in your head telling you you're alone and in the dark is completely WRONG! I hate the blender I'm in most days, and would almost give my right arm (so to speak) to not be dealing with o/b symptoms, inconclusive tests, abstinence, and NOT SHAVING! But like you, I say "thank GOD" for this forum! I think I just might have gone crazy if it weren't having all these people on here sharing so openly and being SO real!

" getting to know someone previous to becoming intimate to see if they are worthy of being inside your body." AMEN!

My Dr said that false negative on blood tests is possible if there hasn't been enough time for the body to build antibodies to levels that register in the labs. On one post here on the site, a timeframe of 4 months after initial o/b symptoms was recommended to really be able to trust the results. Not sure how I feel about my own supposedly "inconclusive" tests lately, so I'm going to get a second opinion. Best wishes, paulgosha! As your journey w/the tests unfolds, come back to share, because many of us are very interested to know what other people are experiencing.

peachyogurtisawesome said above that she thought it spread from shaving, so I don't know. Like you, I too wish some of the answers were more conclusive...believe me, I am living the reality of things being inconclusive right now! Maybe you could wait til you heal completely, then take precautions and give it a try?

I have chosen so far not to shave until my blisters healed completely. I was way too sore this last time. Once my blisters broke out, I couldn't handle even the thought of shaving! I just wanted to keep the area clean and dry! As far as shaving causing outbreaks, I honestly don't know, but there are a couple of people who say they shave w/out problems ... See what defeatedbuttrying posted earlier. i'm so hard core about shaving, I'm one of the stubborn ones that would have to learn the hard way for myself before I'd stop...perhaps unfortunately for me!