WCSDancer2010

Well I guess I'm the sacrificial lamb, having gone totally public on Facebook...LOL ... *IF* I go back online I plan to put a "full disclosure" section in my profile - probably after the main profile - including a "if you really liked what you read up to this point, and thought you'd like to contact me, then please drop me a line. If nothing else I'll be happy to help you get educated about Herpes!" - or something to that effect. I personally don't care who knows any more (Menopause is a wonderful thing... and Betty White isn't going to have anything on me....LOL!) and I hope this will keep me from having to have "the talk" (at least, in the traditional way) any more. I'll keep you guys updated about my progress :)

How do you make a devil on here... *grin* :D :D :D

I just want to put out there that if you are new to the forum and you need support, look further up this list to see if you can find someone to connect with... you don't have to wait for someone to reach out to you :)

Be glad he didn't leave you with a Baby ... that is one hell of a HUGE life altering experience..... with Herpes we learn to deal and can mostly ignore it on a day to day basis.... an unplanned baby is a constant reminder of a bad choice of partner ... even if you love it to death, your life will really never be the same and many plans and dreams have to be put on hold. Try to see the "other side" of all this ... its easy to focus on the anger...but realize that you are now free for someone far, far better..... And sooooooo happy to see what you look like. You ARE beautiful. That schmuck doesn't deserve you. Just tell him he better get moving so the door doesn't hit him on the ass on the way out ... LOL (((HUGS)))

"He is a DICK. A big one." In a sorta warped convoluted way, you have Herpes to thank for making you see that.... and better now than years from now if you happened to get pregnant and THEN found out....eh???? HUGS!

First, welcome.... glad you found us and that the forum is giving you some solace and support. It's easy to feel alone when you are first diagnosed.... There have been several conversations on here recently about exactly this... going to link to one below - I think there was another...maybe Adrial has it cataloged somewhere :) Anyhow, short story (have to get to work in a minute so keeping this brief) is that your sex life WILL get back to normal over time. You may just need to go slow and allow your body to heal completely (beyond any obvious signs). One thing that H will do is give you the opportunity to learn other ways to be intimate with your partner...and that can be a REALLY good thing! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1826/falling-apart/p1 Sorry - got to run...but know we are here for you as you navigate your herpes journey.. (((HUGS)))

I hear your frustration and you are not alone. Because the Medical world sees Herpes as a minor issue, the funding for more accurate tests is not available...they direct the money to more important research like HIV and cancer.... the emotional toll has not been recognized nearly as much as it should be for H+. Given what you said above, I'd guess that unless he was VERY recently exposed elsewhere (about 4 months back from the time of the test) before you got together (sorry, forgot your story...been reading so many on here!) he didn't give it to you. Herpes can lie dormant for MANY years - I have learned of 2 women this week who had their first OB's after 27 and 32+ years of their likely exposure. Odds are now you will never know where you got it. Outside of trying to be responsible and let the other person know, in the end it doesn't really matter... that is in the past ... your job now that you have clarified this with the guy is to take care of you and your health and be responsible from this point onwards. It's all you can do, really, ya know? Obsessing about it at this point will just give you dark circles under your eyes :p (((HUGS)))

CC: you said "Why did this happen to us? We're not bad people. It's not fair. " Well, this *could* be a cancer diagnosis .... or you could be the unlucky person who is in a building that a terrorist takes over. Or the one who gets hit by a drunk driver. But your unlucky crap shoot was to get a pain-in-the-nether-regions skin condition. I think I know which one I would shoot for if I was given a choice :/ Life is NOT "fair". Never was, never will be. As soon as you are at peace with that, you will find that many things in life change for you ... promise.... and I am in the camp that believes that everything happens for a reason. You just have to figure out what the message is that Herpes is trying to bring you... :) (((HUGS)))

Ok - I'm going to be VERY blunt here.... as the book says "He's just not that into you". Sorry. But as a friend points out to me on a regular basis when I am "stuck" on a guy who isn't into me, men WILL tell you exactly where they are but you have to be willing to HEAR them.... He said: ""oh if someone loves you they will look past it......Because I don't want anything serious" And THERE is your answer. Your mother just made him be honest. Maybe that was why she talked to him...because she knew he was not in the relationship for the same reasons as you are. I read that correctly, he doesn't want to be with you on a weekly basis because he knows you are really into him and he doesn't want to lead you on any more. And I want you to know that I TOTALLY hear your frustration and anger and I TOTALLY get it. But your diagnosis did you a favor. It got this man out of your life so you are now open and free for the RIGHT man to come to you. One who WILL look past it and WILL want something serious. Sooo... I know this may not be what you wanted to hear but I hope it's what you NEEDED to hear. I so hear your pain but realize that this too shall pass and we are here for you while you are going through this part of the Herpes journey. We've all been there one way or another and we've all come out the other side relatively intact ;) Big (((HUGS))) again .... and Peace ..... yes... it WILL come ...

DBT said: "The world needs to be better informed and I have started becoming more open and telling people, because I am pissed about the stigma. I am not dirty. I am not a whore. I am not some freak." Amen Sister!!!!!! The crazy thing is people will talk about HIV openly - it's in the press and people will talk about the "latest info", but mention the "H" word and suddenly people are whispering and talking behind closed doors. How fucked up is that??? Congratulations on taking the brave step (even tho you may feel you were pushed!) to come out of the closet. ( I sorta felt pushed too after one too many "walk after the talk" experiences :) ). Your ex walked because he is ignorant and doesn't want to be blamed or associated with Herpes because of the stigma that society puts on H. It is in our hands to be a force for change in the way society views Herpes and STD's in general. You go girl! The more we openly talk about it, and insist that we are not "dirty freaks and whores", the less the stigma will have a hold on us. One step. One talk. One person at a time. And I am so sorry that your mother violated your trust like that. What she did was wrong ... but look at it that you now are taking a stand to reduce the stigma. You are standing tall in the face of a HUGE challenge and you are being a great example for others who may be hiding in the shadows. Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps the universe sees you as a leader in the campaign to make a change around the current Herpes Paradigm :) (((HUGS))) and Peace

So here is how I see it. You have EVERY RIGHT to ask for the HSV1 test for your BF. Then, you know if you need to take anti-virals to keep him from getting it or not. Yes, if he tests positive, you may not know where he has it, but it is not likely to end up in both places (assuming that you only have it in one place) once you have it as you have the antibodies to fight it off. If he comes up negative, then you need to discuss his comfort level around the risk factors with and without the antivirals. And in the long run,,,, *IF* things don't work out, he needs to know his status so he can act responsibly/safely for both himself and future partners (sorry to be so blunt about any "possibilities" but we need to act like Adults here and IMO that is part of the deal...) Again, to a Doctor, HSV is no big deal. They just don't get how it affects those who get it on an emotional level. Oral Herpes IN THE MOUTH is generally considered by the population as just a nuisance.... but transfer it to the genitals and it suddenly becomes a huge stigma. THAT is why *I* feel we need to change the way the medical community looks at what is, to THEM, a "nuisance skin condition".... But in the end, you and your partner need to do what is right for YOU. You have to live with each other and with any consequences of your choices. Keep getting educated and asking questions until you know what is right for YOU. We're here to help you navigate your way to that answer... Peace :)

Let me guess - your Dr is your GP, not an OBGYN???? If I am right, I'd go to an OBGYN to get better support. Your Dr is woefully behind on his Herpes info... I'd take the handouts to your current Dr and show him the FACTS. He also seems pretty insensitive. I'm not sure I'd want to stick with that Dr. I'm guessing that he thinks that because we now know that HSV1 can transmit to the genitals that there is no reason to clarify what you have. The problem is, if you don't know which one you have you don't know what areas might be more prone to have a higher risk of transmission (in your case, HSV1 would transfer to the mouth more easily than the genitals) AND in your case, HSV1 will have a lower risk of transference than HSV2 because it doesn't shed as much. And even if this isn't a "big deal" to him, it IS to you and a good Dr will be sensitive to that and give you more accurate info and be more empathic to your fears and concerns. I would print these out and read them well then take them to the Dr and...er... educate him. In fact, take a stack of the handouts (if you can print out a bunch) and tell him to shut up and just hand them out (ok, I guess you can't tell him to shut up, but perhaps suggest that there is "new" info that people might want to know...LOL). Handouts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Disclosure e-book: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP One of my goals (and I am working with Adrial on this) is to educate the Dr's about how to deal with folks who are newly diagnosed. I hear waaaaay too many of these stories and I hope we can change the way they handle their H+ patients.... They are often a big part of the reason people are freaking out.... facts are easier to deal with than unclear info and/or a Dr who seems indifferent to their fears :(

Glad you got an answer, even if it's not what you wanted to hear. Now you can learn to deal with controlling the outbreaks and protect your partner. Yes, DEFINITELY get him to get tested. I *think* (still researching/learning) the serologic tests can tell him if he was recently exposed or if he's had it for awhile ... the PCR blood test tests for DNA (trying to find out if its both HSV 1 AND 2 or just HSV 2 that it tests for... :/ ) Don't think it would be able to tell him if he was recently exposed or not though. I would suggest that you tell him to go to a Urologist (male equivalent of an OBGYN) rather than a GP for the testing. GP's are often a bit behind the 8-ball with Herpes as it's not considered "big enough" for them to look for new info :( The "good news" for you is that it's harder to transmit HSV1 (it doesn't "shed" as much as HSV1) AND it's harder to transmit H to a man than it is for him to transmit it to you. With antivirals your risks would be pretty minimal...maybe 1% risk? Did you show him the handout? Glad your man is standing with you for your H journey.... even if it's just "for now". But the fact that he IS still with you says a LOT about him. Kudos to him :) (((HUGS)))

BTW, is your Dr a General Practitioner or an OBGYN? If she is a GP, I would DEFINITELY get a second opinion ... from an OBGYN ;)

You never know when or how greatly your actions will impact someone who is fighting their way out of their "closet" I truly believe that Adrial and (H) Opp has the potential to do great things which none of us can foresee... just as Whoopie Goldgerg never saw this coming :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIDOdmhV130

Peace said: "she talked to me about how my mental and emotional state effects my body's ability to properly respond to make sex enjoyable. Please excuse me being graphic, but if you're constantly worried about pain, or stressed about things, your body wont relax and adequately lubricate which will make intercourse uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor questions or for help with this issue, they are such a valuable resource." EXACTLY! I believe I wrote that to you in another post. If necessary, get some counseling too ... you may need some help with learning how to cope with the emotional stress that you are under even more than the physical issues from the outbreaks ..... "It's not a sob story, it's the first chapter in your success story. *hugs*" YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

PS: I know when you are young, you think us "old folk" don't have mad crazy sex or we don't have sex on a daily basis, but some of us *would* if we had a great man in our life! So I totally get your frustration. I'm still waiting to find "him" ... ;)

Oh my....... I can soooooooo hear your pain and frustration. I wish I could be there to give you a big, fat hug right now, because I know you could use it. So, as I have said before.... BREATHE. Take a big, loooong breath in and then exhale nice and slow. Did you know that it is almost impossible to tense up when you exhale??? I bet you are holding your breath and doing a lot of shallow breathing right now..... so before you read any more, take another long, deep breath in, and then exhale nice an slooooow..... keep doing that until you feel calmer, then read on :) First - let me put a little perspective on this. You have been diagnosed for just over 1 month. In the grand scheme of things, one month is very little time.... I know right *now* it doesn't feel like that. But I just want you to think on that a bit. Second, If a man cannot deal with one month of "hard times", he wont be there for something that is a real, true life changer.... accidental pregnancy, cancer, financial hardship, death of a loved one, etc. But he IS staying and he IS supporting you as best as he can. He can't understand how scary and frustrating this is for you, but he is still there for you. He may really want to have sex with you, but he is willing to do what "works" for now. It is YOUR fears that are running the show right now. HE has already gotten over his fears and has committed to stand by you. You have to believe those of us who are further ahead in this journey that you WILL be ok and you WILL have a normal sex life again. As I see it, if H "ruins the best thing that ever happened to you", that it will be because you allowed your fears to run the show. I would guess he is "distant" because he feels helpless (and men HATE to feel helpless!) when those fears spill over into your relationship and he can't "fix" it for you.....because only YOU can work on overcoming your fears. So vent away over here when you need to, but keep reading the success stories and *try* to understand that you will be just fine in the long run. That this is just a speed bump in your life. And hopefully you will be on here encouraging someone else who is feeling like you are right now with YOUR success story :) Peace ....

Not brainy...just really good at doing research... And been dealing with this for quite some time, so I've had plenty of time for research :)

" not what society says, but what u answer to that's important" AWESOME :)

Reposting this which was on the other post that Adrial deleted because it came up twice...just for reference.... First - (((HUGS))) and glad you are seeing *some* humor in the situation. What a DRAG! I wonder if the Dr is right and you have some sort of allergy/ingrown hair type issue. In my experience, OB's come back in the same place or very near by each time - is that the case with you? Or is it moving around? Also, given that your first OB's didn't open and blister up (usually the first ones are the "really bad" ones), also makes me wonder about whether this is indeed Herpes. I would ask for a culture if you get it again too, to see if you are getting some sort of acne/bacterial infection. I have a friend who gets dreadful acne on her bottom when she's stressed or eats certain stuff and I could see that as being confused with H. If you are still not getting an answer after the next go-round, then I might try a different Dr with a different lab... just in case. Ya never know...... Crossing fingers for you that it's not H ...just cause, well, who needs it really? We learn to live with it but it's certainly an inconvenience that no one "needs" Keep us posted.... all information is good information and I'm finding that reading all these posts is giving me more determination to get H taken more seriously by the medical profession so that better info/tests/etc can come about in the future...

Aerial; Do you know what test they ran? Supposedly the most accurate is the PCR blood test ... supposedly very accurate...it looks for pieces of the viral DNA. I don't know if they use that only for the HSV2 tho because what I found says it looks for the "Genital Herpes". You may want to ask about that. the Serologic test looks for antibodies and may give you an answer as it can tell you if you have type 1 or 2. If they all come out negative, then you may need to look for other answers.

One day, one step at a time. :) There have been some really great stories on here recently about how people have realized that in the grand scheme of things, this "tragedy" isn't as bad as they first think. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues too. Perhaps you can gain some strength from reading those stories too.... And glad things are looking up... ;)

iamentj ... tried inserting *hearts* here but I can't seem to get it to work.... *hearts*

iamentj: I am very touched by your story - first because of your ownership and how well you are taking this part of your journey. It can be very scary and confronting at first.... it sounds like you are handling this very well...and I'm glad both your partners (recent and ex) are taking it well too. This is so heartening to read and I hope it provides inspiration to other newly diagnosed folks..... diagnosis and disclosure often brings up all kinds of unresolved issues and it's good to see such a positive result :) And glad to help. My goal is to reduce the stigma, one person at a time :) (((HUGS)))