Kristin (breatheandletgo)

;)

Do it dimples!

Hope it's going well, VG. Post as soon as you're back and let us know how it goes. :)

Hi Nick! Glad you are here. I realized I hated myself for putting myself in this situation. How exactly did you put yourself in this situation? [i'm playing devil's advocate here a little because I tend to be hard on myself as well] You had sex? [something normal and healthy people do every day?] Or maybe you had sex without a condom? [condoms don't really protect you from herpes anyway] You had sex with someone and didn't ask them to get tested beforehand? [standard STD tests don't test for herpes] Shall I go on? :-* Let go of the blame and self-loathing. It is a waste of valuable energy you need right now to take good care of yourself. No matter what you share here, you will find a world of compassion because we have all been where you are. Our stories are very personal, but they aren't so "special". They are all quite similar. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not being punished. You are loved more than you realize. The human experience can be challenging at times, and this is one of those, for sure...but you're gonna be okay. Keep posting when you need to. We're here. hugs, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

I think it's a bad ass message. Redefining our flaws as famous is a one at a time proposition, but it can't be done without a tribe of passionate fellow travelers who are committed to radical self-love. (raises hand) I'm in!

VirgoGirl...create a moment that feels right. You know I love you girl, so I'm giving you a loving nudge. VirgoGirl: Hi Amazing Guy...is this a good time for you to talk? I need to share something from my heart with you. (wait for him to respond) Your Guy: Sure baby...what is it? VirgoGirl ... [Now say what you have been practicing over and over in your head. Write out a script if that will help you. It's time. You have suffered long enough holding this inside of you, honey.] You are strong and beautiful and you can do this. Love, Kristin

Yes. Stay with yourself. This journey is about YOU, even though I can feel how much you care for him, and I understand you would be devastated to lose him...I so feel that with you. But the next right thing for YOU is to take care of yourself. Not live in this anxious state of unknowing. I just want you to know I am holding you close to my heart this very minute and willing my strength to you. You deserve love and compassion and everything good the world has for you...and it is yours for the taking. Being brave is how you become brave. You are becoming! much love, Kristin

Wanted to add... you said: I wish there were just right answers sometimes! The right answer is the next right thing for you. What is the next right thing for you to do? What will bring you peace? What will move you closer to being the person you want to be? What ACTIONS can you put to the words you are telling yourself about who you are. That is so important, VirgoGirl. Actions are the antidote to despair. (said by the great philosopher Joan Baez) Sometimes we have to act "as if" to become the rockstar goddess we want to be. We have to do what we think we cannot do to become someone who does that. So do it. DO it. I've read your posts and I think you are a rockstar goddess. I believe in you.

VirgoGirl, Just do my username. :) But seriously, you are over-thinking (says your Virgo sister who can think herself into a hole with the best of them) and this over-thinking is your tender heart's attempt to control the outcome. Breathe, baby...and let go of the outcome. You can't control what he is going to do and there is no magic combination of words or method...in person, on the phone, singing telegram, carrier pigeon...it isn't going to make or break your disclosure. You have all you need to move through this with grace and love. Be straight and honest and vulnerable...and leave the outcome to God, the universe, whatever. Surrender. You have prepared yourself well, showed your strength by gathering support and resources for yourself, no matter the outcome. You are at the door of the plane. Jump. Trust the parachute you have packed will open. You will be okay. I know it's scary, sweetheart, but the only way you will know is to jump. Everyone here is rooting for you, and we will be here on the ground cheering you on when you land...either way. Kristin aka breatheandletgo P.S. Sometimes when I am anxious, I whisper the Serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I was thinking of a quote reading this... Pain is the great teacher of mankind. Beneath its breath souls develop. -Marie von Ebner Herpes gives us an opportunity to grow. (hence Adrial's name for this community) I doubt a single one of us would refuse the offer to lose the herpes in exchange for these soul-altering life lessons, but here we are. :) In other words, if pain is a teacher, this isn't the class we would choose. It is not easy, but maybe along with the wisdom we've gained through our pain, we need to cultivate compassion in equal amounts. Like I said...not easy, but healthy I think. hugs all around, Kristin aka breatheandletgo

I'm thankful for suffering and hard times that teach us how to be more human, how to love and how to truly savor and appreciate our times of joy. I am thankful for the gift of being a mother to the two most amazing human beings God ever dreamed. It is my privilege to love, serve and guide them toward their own dreams. I am shamelessly broken open by my love for them. And I believe that love is a reflection of divine Love that is always present for me, no matter what I have done, or left undone. And there are no words to express my gratitude for that. I am thankful for my healthy, strong body that can take my soul around this world and allow me to connect with others on a physical level. A hug just when I need it most. A hand to hold when I am afraid. A gentle squeeze of my shoulder when I am weeping over a loss. Those physical expressions of love are so precious to me now while I learn to love my body again and trust someone else will too. Those kinds of touch re-connect me to the gratitude I need to marvel again at this gift of life. I am grateful for my job. It isn't what I planned, but it has shown me my strengths and more often, my weaknesses. It has taught me to return to what I know over and over again about what is true. It has freed me from the prison of dependence upon the approval of others for my sense of peace and made me brave enough to shine my light, even if that light exposes darkness. It has given me perspective I did not have working on my own for so long. I am grateful for my tribe. My friends and family. Those I see day to day and my friends here. I am on the receiving end of an embarassing riches of love and support. I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses to my victories and my losses. Their love is always there, reminding me I've got nothing left to prove. I am grateful for each of you here, ones I "know" and ones I have yet to know who show me the meaning of the word resilience. Thank you for showing up for me. It means more than you could ever know. Kristin aka Breatheandletgo

Love you, Lelani. This is hard stuff...but you are so strong. So glad you are my friend. Kristin

NC, I am so sorry for your pain. Your hopefully soon to be ex is crackers and you need to kick her to the curb. She is a complete and total narcissist. I was married to one for almost two decades, I know. Do not let her and your fears hold you hostage. She is not someone you want to be the mother of your children. You will...WILL find someone who will love you for you. I can tell you are a sensitive, caring guy and this virus will get smaller in the rearview mirror if you take this opportunity to work on you...heal your broken heart and get stronger. I am a year into my dx. My giver was my first love. The man I gave my virginity to, and who came back after I was separated and also knowingly gave me herpes. I am still working through this, but I know I deserve to be loved well and I will not settle for someone who would intentionally hurt me just because we have the same virus and neither should you. I know the idea of disclosure makes you want to crawl in a hole right now, but don't expect to make peace with this overnight. It truly is a journey and you are in the right place now. We are your tribe. We'll be here to talk you through it and help you. Post here a lot. Read here a lot. You will get your feet back underneath you and find your way through this to a place where your new normal is an okay place to be. Herpes exposes a lot of areas in all of us where we could use some inner work. I actually think I am a more compassionate, loving and caring partner now than I ever was. I am not saying Yay for herpes or anything...just that I believe everything happens for a reason and I am being given the chance to become the best version of myself here or just give up. I want to be the best version. Hang in there, nc. Sending you a hug. Kristin aka breathe

Lelani is right. Just give yourself a lot of nurturing. Can you get some Epsom Salts? Warm Epsom salts bath are very soothing and will also dry up your blisters. They are also VERY inexpensive. L-lysine is an amino acid supplement that for some is helpful in shortening the intensity and duration of your outbreaks and my physician recommended using it during an outbreak, in addition to my antivirals. That's very medical advice there, and I'm not a doctor, but those things have worked for me in addition to speaking kind, healing words to my body and expressing gratitude for the ways it serves me. Thank you for strong legs to walk, thank you for eyes to read supportive words and see beauty, thank you for hands to touch and arms to hold someone I love...gratitude is a very powerful healing force. And it's always available to us. Sending you lots of love, saywhatttt. Kristin

another favorite quote.... The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? Kahlil Gibran

Great article, C. Thank you so much for sharing it. xoxo

Anytime, Brenda. Stay with yourself and stay brave. You are such role model to me. I would come for tea and chocolate anytime you asked. Love, Kristin

Oh Ann! Your post just made my heart hurt. Your friend who said you should have shouted out that you had herpes rather than just say stop kind of makes me want to kick some ass. Like you are a leper who's supposed to shout "Unclean!" I am so sorry those things were said to you. :( Truly. You did not deserve any of that. From the guy who needed to learn no means no and your ding dong friend. Words hurt. And they are very hard to forget. I wanted to teach this lesson to my kids when they were small so I got them both giant tubes of toothpaste and gave them a big plate and said okay, squeeze the whole thing out. Go on! It'll be fun! Haven't you always wanted to do that? Just do it! Let the toothpaste fly. And so they did. They squeezed and squeezed and when they were all done, I said okay guys...put it back. And of course they both looked at me like I was nuts. Then I told them, words are like toothpaste. Fun to squeeze out, but really hard to put back. And I had them both put the toothpaste in a baggie and use it for a week so they didn't forget. They thought I was a little crazy (I might be) and kind of gross and mean for making them use it for a few days, but they are two of the kindest kids you will ever want to meet. And they don't say mean things to each other or to me or their Dad or anyone else. Really. They are just stellar human beings and NO, I'm not prejudiced. I think that toothpaste thing was one of my few shining mama moments. In fact, my son got in school suspension for standing up to a bully last year. He's a bit of a gentle giant. (Six feet one in the 9th grade, size 13 shoes!) And some boys were picking on this one kid and he couldn't stand it anymore. He just went over and stood between the chief bully and the small kid and said. "Dude, that's not cool. You need to stop." And the chief bully threw a punch (quite foolishly) at my son, and my son restrained him and placed him in a trash can very gently. :D But it was considered fighting, so my son got in trouble. And after I got through educating the principal on the error of his ways, I told my son that sometimes we suffer for doing the right thing, and he would have to do the time. But that I would buy him the most expensive video game he could think of while he was in the clink and when it was over, we would go eat ice cream until we couldn't move. And we did. Because my boy is a hero and deserved to be celebrated. And bullies are cowards who need to be stopped. So having said all that, I am glad you are here. I am happy you are with someone who accepts you. I am sorry for reading between the lines, but I still don't hear you saying, I am a freaking goddess who deserves to be loved like it. I hope you will get there, because you are. And that has zero to do with whether you look like a supermodel (no one does...I'm a photographer...I know) and a whole lot with who you are on the inside. Forgive yourself for wanting to be held and touched. I want that. Everyone wants that. And bullies who say hurtful things haven't ever touched the bottom of the pool of their own fears and doubts about their worth. You are doing brave work. Lots of love to you, Ann. Stick around and thanks for listening to me ramble. :) Kristin

Hi My Sweet Friend! So, so glad I helped even a little. I tend to do some dawn patrol myself about things. In fact, when I wrote to you, I was doing just that. ;) I wanted to feel all sorry for myself, but then I came to your post and found a really awesome new friend and just wanted to comfort you...wishing I could just give you the biggest, warmest hug. And Oh My God...the tainted love story! That is awesome. Hold on to that. I have had so many moments of irony like that along the way and it really helps to remember and laugh. I actually got a traffic ticket on the way home from being diagnosed. True story. Instead of batting my eyelashes and trying to get myself out of it like I normally would I let my mascara run like Lady Gaga and just rolled down my window and stuck my license and registration out there. And when the officer took it and said, Ma'am did you realize you just made an illegal left turn, I said...a little crazy-like Nope, I sure didn't... but I didn't know I had herpes on my girly parts until a few minutes ago either, so this whole day has been very educational! Thanks for letting me know! He let me off with a warning. I think I scared the shit out of him actually. I am so sorry about your sweet dog and best friend. I am so, so sorry. I know the void that has left. He would want you to find a new friend. I think you should keep your eyes peeled. He is up in dog heaven (and YES I believe in dog heaven, I don't care what anyone says. Dog is God spelled backwards for a reason) looking around for a replacement for himself. It's his job because once a dog loves you, that's it. You are his person for life. Let him send you a new best friend. It's his job and he needs to do it. xoxo As for Job...I am quite familiar with the story and have wrestled with it. There is one verse in there I painted on a canvas that hangs in my bedroom. Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him. verse 13:15a. So when you wrote that I made you want to stand up again, I had to go get kleenex. Thank you. That is probably the best thing anyone has ever said to me. I always say if I get a tattoo it would be the Lao Tzu quote, "Fall down seven times, stand up eight". You can read my other posts to get a bigger picture, but within a few months of leaving my marriage of (holy fuckballs) 19 years (I was a fetus when I got married) with nothing but an air mattress and a broken heart only to be pursued by my first love so he could come back and give me herpes, I lost my job...yeah, that was fun...but then I got another one...and then some other stuff happened that I don't write here, but I would tell you if you PM me and want to talk off the boards. And you can do that. Email me any old time. I mean it. 2011-2012 have been little slices of hell at times, and yet...I am growing in peace and acceptance. I have done things I never thought I could do. I feel like the theme of the last two years has been "Oh yeah, well live through THIS!" but I have. I am still here. And better yet...I can still make someone else feel like it's gonna be okay. Because it is. It really is. We are probably not going to have sport sex again, darn the barn. The kind of free lovin' let's go until we need food and water, yee haw! sex that is fun to think about and looks a lot cooler in the movies than it really is, but we will have sex with someone who sees deep inside us and knows we're worth loving well. We will. I know it. And I am the kind of woman who knows things. much love, Kristin P.S. I feel the need to add...don't let this change you into a fearful man. Fight hard. And tell me the same thing, too...ok? Only I am a woman...not a man...but you know. :) Let's be really fucking brave. Let's imagine ourselves in the arms of someone who is so in touch with their own brokenness that ours is the sexiest thing they have ever encountered. I am scared, too. But that is what I am doing. Read my post to Krisanova. I got gut honest about my fear there. But I think we can help one another be brave. P.P.S. I am going to look at a chocolate labrador puppy today. I totally can't afford it, but I need a cuddle buddy. We shall see...

I listened, A! It made me so happy to hear how it was life changing for the people who were there. And it makes me want to be there in January!

Juatanotherone...(and we will have to do something about that username because it sucks...and don't think I don't mean it. I've done it before. I get shit done around here...). ;) Anyway...dude. Will you get out of my head? I mean really! It's freaking me out! Does it help you even a little to know that EVERY SINGLE THING you wrote has been my mental mix-tape on enumerable hikes by the lake near my house? And I know for SURE, it's not just you and me, babe. You wrote so much, and it made me teary at times and at others laugh out loud (fuck you to the makers of the condom in the white wrapper...). I read it all. I felt it with you and it made me want to know you more. THAT guy is who the hot crush needs to know. THAT guy is gonna be very hard for any woman worth your time to resist. A man who knows who he is and how to express himself. A guy who feels empathy and compassion for others and shares his pain, reaches out instead of giving everyone around him a big middle finger, and oh my god...can laugh when he doesn't know what else to do? I know a dozen women, myself included, who would chew their arm off for a chance to be loved by a man like THAT. And while we're on the subject of penises (if I were Oprah, the penis would be on my list of Favorite Things every year) a woman who gets what she has in you is not going to give a fuck (pun intended) whether your penis has a perfect complexion. Her focus will be learning to be the only woman who knows how to make it feel things even you never knew it could. So forget that. You guys should all take note...women are not nearly as enamoured with your penile appearance as you are. And the really beautiful women...beautiful on the inside and out...understand all of the skill and enthusiasm we apply to every encounter with ''little you' (sorry for the word little) are a very essential part of making you feel loved. Girls like us want you to walk tall, we want you to feel like a rock star, and like your penis is the only penis for us. EVER. And any girl who won't give you that should be denied access, as in, sister, you're on the wrong side of the velvet rope. I am sure others will chime in to offer better advice and more comforting words, but I just wanted you to know...you are going to be okay. You are. Your story has taken an unexpected turn and it's gonna take some time to get your head around where it goes from here, but the beautiful thing is, you're still the writer! And the guy who wrote your post is just the kind of guy who can make his story end happily ever after. Glad you're here. We're here for you. Much love, Kristin

WD- You are so brave. If he doesn't come back, he is a fool, but you and I both know how this whole thing has changed us...still it smarts. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and eat some chocolate with you until the ouch passes. You are so special... Go read my big long self-indulgent reply to Krisanova and see how far ahead of me you are in even putting yourself out there. I am a big chicken. And don't second guess yourself. Limit your Monday morning QB analysis to a 15-20 minute journaling session and then breathe and let go. To quote one of my favorite movies (The Help) and offer you a mantra for the next day or two... You is strong....you is kind...you is important. Much love, Kristin

I loved your post, Michael. ;) Kris, you have been in my thoughts, sweetie. I am a big believer in vitamin c as well. Natural forms and supplements. I am 42 and often get mistaken for being younger and believe clean living in addition to yoga, meditation and good nutrition have contributed to that. My biggest challenge to overall health is stress and learning to manage it well. (my username is a reminder for me). And the more I learn about herpes and shame, the more I believe that the most harmful part of this virus is the way it disconnects us from ourselves and others physically. Herpes is a virus that has the potential to change our relationship with our bodies (being in a heightened awareness, monitoring for symptoms) and then our ability to be loved and touched and connected with others without this hyper-awareness. Both are so necessary to being able to relax and be well with ourselves. Feeling a loving embrace we can lean into, experiencing being fully in our bodies and at the same time being fully present in soul and spirit when we are giving and receiving pleasure sexually. These are some things herpes can steal from us, even if we are with a partner who accepts us because we are challenged in our own self-concept. Like Michael, I have had HSV-1 up North :) forever, though I rarely have an outbreak now, but I never disclosed about it because I didn't even realize I should! If I had a raging cold sore, I assumed I should avoid kissing, but I remember how my boyfriend through college called them my 'finals blisters' instead of fever blisters or cold sores and NEVER referred to them as herpes and when I would try to avoid kissing him he'd pull me in and kiss me anyway. I remember once when we were making love and I started to go down on him and realized I still had a little bit of a blister on my lip, so I stopped and said baby I shouldn't...see?... and him saying...omg are you kidding me? I don't care! the punch line? He was Pre-med...he knew exactly what it was. He just really didn't care. He didn't want me to feel stressed being in my body with him. I haven't had many sexual partners (my high school sweetheart, my ex-husband of 19 years and my Pre-med college bf...high school sweetheart came back after my separation/divorce to give me HSV-2) so I am new to the whole have you been tested scene...and the stress of even thinking about being intimate with another man again is enough to give me an outbreak, so I have a lot of work to do. HSV-2 has changed my life. A guy in my yoga class asked me to go have a drink with him the other night and I made an excuse (let's hope Adrial isn't reading this or he will kick my ass). I try not to make eye contact with men in the elevator or in meetings at work and I pray they won't ask me to lunch. And when they do, I make excuses. I long to be with someone, but I'm just so afraid. Not of disclosure as much as just living in and with the stress of giving it to them. I signed up for a herpes dating site for one day and then deleted my profile because I don't think that's the answer either. I got a massage on Friday and I cried the whole time. Besides hugging on my kids, it's the first time I'd been touched in a while. I was so embarrassed for getting so emotional. It made me think about my friend who is a NICU nurse and spends so much of her day just holding sick babies to make them well because research has proven that babies in distress need to be held and touched, skin on skin in order to thrive. I can take care of my body and be healthy, but real wholeness is being fully in my body without fear or shame and letting myself reach for human touch and connection without fear or shame. Or without getting stressed about it... This was a really long post to say...I have a long way to go and I've been diagnosed w/hSV-2 for almost a year. Give yourself time to take it all in. It's a journey. We're with you Be well, Kristin

You're good, Carlos! Lol. P.S. I miss your face on your profile pic but I love your Ernie and Bert pic. It makes me smile always.

Thanks so much everyone. We are all in this together. I learn something from my friends here almost every day. Thank you for showing up here for me and for giving me a place to grow and heal. We need one another! Kristin