HikingGirl

It is possible to have outbreaks while on antiviral medications. Every body responds differently. For some, the outbreaks go away, and for others, they are merely lessened. People also react differently to different antivirals. Valtrex did nothing for me and gave me constant tingling. Acyclovir has been awesome by comparison. Itching is a big symptom for me, and I noticed that when I started acyclovir, it was probably a good three months before I noticed the itching was drastically reduced. It's all but nonexistent now. And, of course, it's possible the itching any of us experience has nothing to do with herpes.

That's just crazy. Good for you for continuing your search for someone who would test. (And then there's the opposite end of the spectrum.....me casually asking for an STI panel since I was recently divorced but not having any issues, and my healthcare provider tested for it.)

Post away! I'm convinced far more people read than post. You never know how your own thoughts and experiences might help someone else. I'm so glad your mom is supportive. What a blessing for you!

I don't have any direct experience with sexual assault as an adult, although I was molested by an older brother when I was seven. Months after I was diagnosed with herpes I gave in and went back to the therapist I used after my divorce and she did EMDR therapy with me. It's frequently used for trauma and veterans. It made a world of difference for me with my diagnosis and also processing the abuse from 35 years ago. Most people haven't heard of it, so I mention it to make people aware it exists and might help them. FWIW

I meant to add, when you were tested last, do you know for a fact you were tested for HSV? Most doctors don't include it when you ask for an STD panel.

I have both. Never had a cold sore and I'm 43. My outbreaks genitally were so mild I mistook them for yeast infections. I told one friend and she didn't react negatively, but wasn't supportive or empathetic either. It drives me NUTS that there are so many people feeling alone and needing support but the stigma is so strong no one wants to talk about it!

Hi, @WhoWhenHow. It may seem like it's all women on here, but I promise there are guys too! It is possible to have HSV for a long time with no symptoms, and then develop an outbreak out of the blue. I would start by going back to the doc and getting an IgG blood test. Not only are the IgMs unreliable, they don't identify the type 1 or 2. That will be really helpful to know. If you had partners before getting married, you could have acquired it then. I got it before I married (without knowing I had it), tested positive after my divorce, and my ex of 16 years tested negative. I'm still surprised by that, but it's not a given that a partner would get HSV from you. Spreading it to other parts of the body or to other people with your hands is uncommon. If it happens, it's most likely to happen within the first few months of infection when you touch an open sore. HSV2 generally needs genital to genital contact. You can get HSV1 generally through oral sex, and the majority of adults have HSV1, even if they don't get cold sores. It's conceivable your wife could have given you HSV1 through oral sex. The IgG misses up to a third of HSV1 infections (but it's good at catching HSV2). I had both strains about 20 years before I got diagnosed and I never transferred it elsewhere. I never had an initial outbreak. I had no idea I had it!! Think of it this way, if your wife didn't get it, you can pretty well bet nothing was spread without genital contact. It's understandable that your wife is upset since most people are simply uneducated about herpes. (Sadly, many doctors are also not well educated about it, spread misinformation, or have outdated information.) Keep in mind she may also be feeling some residual fear and anger and sadness from the time she learned your daughter has it. Terri Warren, an expert in herpes, has an excellent book on Amazon that is thorough and easy to understand. She closed her clinic last year, but she still offers video consults for a fee. https://www.westoverheights.com/hsv-video-consultations/ This might be a good option for you to ask very specific questions not covered in the book. You could even do a consult with your wife so she hears from an expert that you're not blowing smoke about being faithful to her. Please feel free to continue asking questions. This is a lot of new information and this is a knowledgeable community! We sincerely want to be a support to others however we can.

Do you know which type you have? I'm sorry you haven't received any empathy or support from him. I wish I could tell my sisters, but like your friends, they're pretty judgmental. It's so helpful to be on these forums and hear from others who have it too.

Yeah, I've had similar thoughts. Especially since the divorce. Frankly, what's the worst thing that could happen? I get turned down and I spend the weekend with friends, family or my dog? That I live on my own? Hell, I'm already doing that and enjoying it!! But I recognize there will likely come a time when I want male companionship. I had HSV1&2 all through my marriage without realizing it. My ex-husband and I were together 16 years. I chose to tell him about my status when I was diagnosed about a year after the divorce, and he tested negative for both. So transmission definitely isn't a given!

@HikingGirl If you're going to take that route, how about something like "You know, roughly 80% of adults have herpes and some of them may be sensitive to these types of dehumanizing jokes, so you may want to keep that in mind in the future." Perfect! Are you this level-headed in real life? I want to be just like you when I grow up. :-)

I sincerely hope no one ever makes a herpes joke in front of me. Especially at work. I just know I would say something defensive like, "I have herpes. Would you like to say that joke again, but this time to my face?" Definitely not the calm and confident response I fantasize about but still can't come up with!

I think the gyno is a good place to start. Sadly, many docs are not well educated about herpes. Feel free to ask questions in this forum. There's a wealth of knowledge and experience here! Terri Warren's herpes handbook is a good resource for basic information. (https://www.westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/). I highly recommend her full book. Outbreaks or not, there is always a possibility of transmission. Even with condoms. That was probably the hardest pill for me to swallow...the uncertainty and lack of control. We humans don't like either of those things too much. Did your boyfriend say whether he had ever tested positive for HSV?

I don't think you've misjudged him at all. I think you may be overlooking the multiple red flags you just described because of the chemistry between you two. My opinion? Move on. You deserve better and you deserve to make your first disclosure to someone who has actually earned your trust and isn't making you doubt your own judgment.

Perhaps you could ask your doctor about medication for nerve pain? My coworker recently developed shingles and was prescribed gabapentin for nerve pain. I just happened to remember the name because my dog is on it!

I found out I had herpes after my divorce. When my ex tested negative for both HSV1 and HSV2 (I have both), it meant I acquired it before we married. We had unprotected sex for 16 years with no antivirals and he still didn't get it from me. I had absolutely no idea I had herpes, as my symptoms have been very mild and I attributed them to yeast infections. In other words, there's no guarantee that you're going to pass along herpes to all of your partners. Unless your current partner tests positive (it can take up to 16 weeks post infection to show up on a blood test), for all we know he has simple jock itch. And since herpes is quite common and 80% of those infected have no idea they have it, it's also possible your previous partners already had it before sharing a bed with you. All any of us can do is learn from our mistakes. Give your current partner the space he needs to process this news and focus your energy on making the changes in your own life that you'd like to make.

@Sil88 hit the nail on the head with their reply (IMHO). Get another IgG blood test at 16 weeks post-exposure (by then over 95% of those infected will test positive on a blood test). Earlier today I heard about a study where people were blindfolded and told that their right arm was being rubbed with poison ivy (when in fact it was a harmless plant). All of the study participants developed a rash on their arm. The mind does powerful things!

I dealt with the initial shock by crying most days for a couple of months and withdrawing from people and activities I loved for about 8 months. I don't recommend that route! :-) I also got herpes from one of a few partners I always used condoms with. I was really mad at myself "for not knowing better" for a long time. Time eventually helped me to forgive myself. Things I found most helpful were letting myself grieve even if I didn't want to, eventually seeing a therapist, learning everything I could about herpes, and developing new healthy habits like meditation, journaling, and exercise. The two books on my nightstand all this time was "I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't)" by Brene Brown and "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. The initial diagnosis is a really tough blow for most of us. But with time you'll hear from a lot of people on these forums that have moved past it and are living happy and fulfilling lives. Be kind to yourself! {{hugs}}

That's a lot to take in for sure. Herpes is one thing, but mixing in betrayal really adds to the pain. @SPATX919 gave some great suggestions for finding support outside of this forum (we're glad you're here!). It's normal and healthy to grieve something like this. As a society we tend to want to just skip over that inconvenient part, but it usually comes back to bite us if we don't just allow ourselves to grieve. Getting educated about herpes is really helpful for putting things into perspective when you're ready. The herpes simplex viruses are very common and affect all classes, races, and varied sexual histories. And it's a great opportunity to focus on your overall health and develop or start new healthy habits. {{hugs}}

I'm so sorry you're experiencing so much pain. I sincerely hope you're able to find some relief soon. Dealing with herpes on an emotional level is much easier to do once the physical symptoms are under control. Diluted tea tree oil is one of my favorite remedies for discomfort (I'm serious about the diluted part--just a couple of drops on a wet cotton square or mixed with some coconut oil.) {{hugs}}

Welcome, @Mom2boys. You've got some serious stress in your life right now! {{hugs}} My divorce two years ago was amicable and it was still enough stress to nearly send me over the edge some days. I don't see any reason to tell your children. It doesn't affect them and it's not like they can be a support to you anyway. I also would not tell your ex if you think he'll use it against you. Especially since you don't know who you got it from. I told my ex (by email--and he eventually tested negative!) but we had already finalized the divorce settlement and didn't have any kids together. If you have a positive swab test and a negative blood test, then it's probable you got it from your most recent partner. (It takes up to 16 weeks after infection to show up on a blood test.) If you've had sex with your ex within the past 16 weeks, then you may never know who you got it from. I have no idea who my giver was. Most people who have herpes don't know they have it--about 80% of those infected don't know! Either their symptoms are extremely mild and they're attributed to something else (I attributed my mild symptoms to yeast infections), or they have no symptoms at all. So it's entirely possible that whoever you got it from doesn't realize they have it themselves. Especially since it's rarely included in an STD panel. The initial shock is a pretty hefty thing to digest. I hope you are able to find some space to grieve. It's so hard to keep the feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger, etc. stuffed in us. The search bar at the top of your page may help you to find new ideas for relief of your physical symptoms. When you get your results back, you'll find a way to talk to your current partner about it. It's a conversation all of us wish we didn't have to have. If you found the strength to leave an abusive relationship, then we already know you have an amazing well of strength inside of you to deal with herpes!

While I haven't been back in the dating scene since my own diagnosis (enjoying my freedom a little too much since getting out of a 15 year marriage), the comments I've read on these forums seem to indicate that there's really no way to tell who will be okay with it. I guess no matter what traits are visible to others, there's many more traits, beliefs and perspectives below the surface influencing their views. I once told my therapist that if I ever married again, I swear to god I'd have to date the person for a good 3-5 years first. I may not have ever married had I waited until we had a few major fights and we got past the lovey-dovey stage. I never dealt with a lot of rejection before herpes, so I always have my antennae up for articles and comments about rejection to help me develop a new attitude about it before I get back into dating. I posted an article on here a few weeks ago which had a perspective I really liked...that when I'm rejected, the relationship was never going to work and the other person just happened to figure that out before I did. Months ago, my therapist suggested I write down 75 qualities I'd like in a future partner. Yes, 75, and yes, I had the same reaction of incredulity and skepticism! She said no one I meet will ever have all of those qualities, but when I'm dating someone, it will help me to realize if this person has a good percentage of the qualities I want, or if they only have a handful and I'm giving way too much weight to physical chemistry or my own fantasies about who that person is. I came up with over 100 qualities in an hour. It has really helped me to be clear about what I'm looking for in the future. A few of the qualities have the potential to be deal-breakers (such as, this person needs to have a balanced view of risk in general and they need to be totally comfortable with the possibility of acquiring HSV). It is my hope that if I'm rejected because of HSV in the future, I'll recognize that person had a deal-breaker quality and they saw that a relationship wasn't going to work before I did--that's all. Sorry for the long ramble!

I think in this case you could easily call the doctor's office and just ask for a copy of the lab results. The IgM blood test is notoriously unreliable and doesn't distinguish the type. The IgG is what you'd be looking for. If they gave you an IgM test, I would ask for the IgG. Especially without any positive swabs.

It's a nuisance my outbreaks have been so frequent, but honestly, even without antivirals it was still so mild I lived with it just fine all these years! I mostly tried the antivirals because I wanted to find one I tolerate well when I return to dating someday. I was so pleasantly surprised with the absence of itching when I started acyclovir I've decided to continue on it for now. I admit I also like not being reminded of it all the time! Since everyone is so different, you could have a totally different experience if you stay off the meds. Either way, unless certain foods very clearly cause an outbreak for you (repeatedly and not by coincidence), I'm all for continuing to enjoy your favorite foods. Hope the chocolate was good! :-)

@JoanM, I agree with @optimist. There's no way I would accept a visual diagnosis. There's so much room for error there. Personally speaking, if my doctor insisted on maintaining their visual diagnosis, I would seek out a new doctor for this issue. If I were in your daughter's shoes, it would be really difficult for me to move forward if there was any uncertainty or confusion about my diagnosis. Now is it possible she has genital HSV1 and the IgG test missed it? Sure. So if it really is herpes, it's invaluable for your daughter to know the type. Like @optimist said, the doc could do a PCR swab with a new outbreak, or you can pursue the western blot (a much more sensitive blood test for HSV that is considered the gold standard). The western blot is not a common test and is only done at the University of Washington. If you can't find a doctor that will order it for you, Terri Warren can help you order it. I had one done before she closed her clinic, but she still offers help with getting it at the clinic website: https://www.westoverheights.com/hsv-video-consultations/

I'm really sorry you've been through the ringer with all of this testing, @Abby2017. The ups and downs and uncertainty of it all sounds really stressful and overwhelming. I'm glad you were able to have the western blot done. You deserve a clear diagnosis! While you're waiting on the test results, head over to the herpes talk success stories category and read a bit. Even in the last week or so there have been some really positive and encouraging stories that others have shared. Not everyone will be okay with herpes, but we know from the experiences of others here that not everyone is scared off by it either (thank god!). :-) {{hugs}}