HikingGirl

@Katidid and I are on the same page today. Instead of sending the letter, I'd probably print it and burn it while drinking a nice glass of wine and burning incense or something. I burned my wedding dress, so I can say with confidence it's very therapeutic. ;-) As @camilo referred to, some people genuinely don't know how to react when they're scared. Now some people are just assholes, I'll give you that. And if that's the case here, an asshole doesn't care enough about your feelings to take your words to heart. Someone that's scared (of contracting it, of facing the possibility he may already have it, of uncertainty, of the stigma, of the prevalence he was previously unaware of, etc.)...will do stupid, immature things as a result. You may never know which was the case here, but there's nothing wrong with choosing to believe whichever option makes you feel better. The lack of closure just sucks. I'm sorry.

Covering that area should eliminate transmission from that particular area, although medical tape over an outbreak sounds painful!! :-( Perhaps another visit to the doc might be helpful? He/she may be able to prescribe something for the pain you're having now, as well as review any concerns about Valtrex. I know there's been a lot of talk recently about hair loss, but if it's any consolation, I didn't have that when I was on it for 6 months. Plus if you do have negative side effects, you can always stop and go back to acyclovir, right? It might also be good to talk with the doc (if you haven't already done so) about whether the rash is constant or sporadic, and if it's possible it may be from something else. Either way, my heart goes out to you for the discomfort you're experiencing.

He may be gutless....or he may just need time to process the disclosure. Personally speaking, I would probably say something like, "I can sense a bit of awkwardness between us and I want to make sure you have the time and space to figure out if you'd like to move forward. So I'm going to take a step back and put us on hold. If you decide you'd like to continue the relationship, you know where to find me." Maybe that's harsh, but the older I get, the less tolerance I have for men that can't come right out and tell a gal they don't want to continue dating. If he just needs time, no problem. He'll get it. But that doesn't mean you have to wait around either. You're worth more than that. {{hugs}}

My understanding is that the virus lives in a group of nerves at the base of your spine (not in your skin). The virus often travels along the same nerve to exit the body where you normally have outbreaks (the path of least resistance), but it can take any path it wants to--anywhere in the entire boxer shorts region. I don't have direct experience with what you're going through, but the fact that you used to get OBs on your genitals and now it's the buttocks.....maybe it will move to a new location later on as well? Have you tried a different antiviral? Some people find one really helpful and the other worthless. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It's so hard to concentrate on anything good when you're in pain all the time. :-(

Is he taking antivirals on a daily basis? How long ago was he infected? If it's pretty new for him, sex may be a trigger for him for a while. This is where it's worth him trying a daily antiviral and using lots of lube. I'm no expert, but I've never heard (on these forums or other sites or books) of people just popping an antiviral after sex.

Hi @hithere. Ignore the IGM test, for starters. They're notoriously unreliable. Since there's been no sexual activity in the past 18 months, I'm not aware of any reason to wait a specific amount of time before retesting. (That advice is usually given to those who've had sex recently, as it takes time for your body to produce enough antibodies after exposure to test positive. Some will test positive within a few weeks after exposure, others take up to 4 months.). *However* I'm not a doctor, nor am I an expert. Terri Warren, an expert on herpes, says that if you have an equivocal result (like you did), to retest again, but she doesn't give any guidelines as to when. Go ahead and follow your doctor's advice here. Terri says if the number goes down with the second test, the result is negative. If it goes up, it "could" be positive. She also says it's rare for a second test to be equivocal again. If it is, then you'd want to follow-up with a western blot test, which is more sensitive and the gold standard (it's also more expensive and a pain to do because it's uncommon, but it's possible because I did it!).

Thank you, @NothingGoodGetsAway, for taking the time to come back and share your success stories! Every time I read one of these, I can feel my confidence going up and my anxiety about dating go down. :-)

Absolutely no idea! Probably a lot of luck on his part. Plus the last half of our marriage was pretty strained, so we weren't having sex very often. I'm sure that helped. LOL P.S. You're welcome :)

Most of my symptoms were itching, and I always attributed that to recurrent yeast infections which often seemed to be tied to my monthly cycle. The redness I had was usually in just one spot in the fold of my labia. And that area is already red! I would never have noticed except sometimes if I sprayed water on it in the shower, it stung. I thought maybe it was just irritation from sex and it was extremely rare. Just last Thanksgiving I had my first actual bump....on the opposite side of my labia and nearly passed out because I had never seen a different symptom. Valtrex didn't do anything or me, but I've been thrilled with how well acyclovir is working. I love not having such frequent itching!!

@Feli71, I have no idea. All I've ever been able to find out is just what Bambina said.

Hi, @Cecilia, and welcome. First, you're not alone. Many of us have been exactly where you are now. I'm sorry you're experiencing a lot of pain. Has the doctor given you any antivirals to help with the outbreak? For those who have a primary outbreak, the first is often the worst. Use the search bar at the top of the page to look for what has helped others with the pain and discomfort. Second, it feels like grief because it absolutely is grief. I felt like I was just getting out of the funk of my divorce and then wham--herpes. The guy I was seeing long-distance at the time was sweet at first, then bailed once he tested negative. It hurts. I was devastated, and spent 7 months crying, avoiding people, and being depressed. It sucked. And it took some trauma therapy in my case to snap me out of that. I didn't know either. I now know I acquired it two decades earlier and all that time had no idea. My biggest suggestion for now is to grieve. I know that gets old when we've recently suffered a loss and we're just starting to feel like ourselves again. I know it sometimes feels overwhelming and totally exhausting. But if we don't grieve now, it will just resurface later in our lives and it won't be pretty then either. We don't want you to get stuck in grief forever, but feeling it and sludging through it is an unavoidable part of the path to healing. One of the books I read while divorcing, and later after my herpes diagnosis, was "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." The title sounds like it wouldn't fit, but it totally does, because it's about grief. Especially on the heels of losing your brother {{{hugs}}}, you may find it helpful. Losing your brother is huge, and you may find yourself continuing to grieve for him and your diagnosis at the same time. While you're grieving, I would encourage you to spend some time on these forums reading. You'll see a lot of your own situation in the posts of others, and it will help you to feel less alone. It also really helps to read how others have healed and how they now view herpes, even if you're likely to think to yourself, "whatever--that's them, I won't ever feel that way." :-) When you're ready, it really helps to get educated about herpes. There's so much misinformation (or no information) out there, and having the facts is very empowering and eye-opening. There's lots of great resources mentioned in these forums, or you can reach out to me when you're ready and I'll share some of my favorites. You're not alone. What you're feeling now is very normal. Your boyfriend may come around once he's had time to process the news, or he may not. But either way, you're absolutely deserving of every happiness and lots of love. Be kind to yourself. We're all doing the best we can and we're all human. We're here to listen if you need to vent, and we're here to provide support and encouragement too.

@BoxerGirl, the one I took I found quite by accident. It was hosted by a counseling office and given a different name. (I live in Utah, in case anyone else is local and interested--I know they run the class continually.) The curriculum was developed by Brene Brown, a social work professor in Texas (she has authored several books and given a couple of wildly popular TED talks). There's no mention of it on her website that I could find, but the handouts from the class (which was less than 10 women and more like guided group therapy) referenced "Connections: A 12-Session Psychoeducational Shame-Resilience Curriculum". If you can't find a class, I'd still highly recommend her book, "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)". (Reallly, all her books are fabulous, but that's the one focused solely on shame.) But the in-person experience with other real women was profoundly healing for me.

I hear ya, @Feli71. I too was blindsided with a diagnosis at 42, and when my ex-husband of 16 years tested negative for HSV (we used no condoms or antivirals since I didn't know I had it), I was stunned to realize I acquired it 18-25 years earlier and had no obvious symptoms all those years. Just some itching and a very rare bit of redness that stung in the shower. Now I know that the STD testing I had done before getting married most likely did not include HSV.

@BoxerGirl and @Feli71--I felt the same way. It took a few sessions with a therapist to realize that I had a few big beliefs I learned in my childhood were still affecting me in the present, but I didn't realize it, because it was so ingrained. I grew up in a really religious household where perfection was the goal (never mind that it's totally realistic), you reap what you sow (guess no one bothered to mention that bad things happen to good people), and I was deathly afraid of being judged by anyone. Boy, let me tell ya'......ever since my therapist mentioned them, even eight months later I see constant evidence of it as I'm frequently catching myself reverting back to those beliefs. It wasn't until I took a shame resilience class earlier this year, when I realized ***EVERYONE*** feels shame about something (usually many things), it made me realize that not only was I not alone, but I was just as worthy as the stranger standing next to me. What you're feeling now is very normal and part of the healing process. {{hugs}}

Hi, @bootox. It's never too late to start keeping track of changes with your body. I acquired HSV 18-25 years before my diagnosis, and I didn't start keeping a calendar of symptoms (and possible triggers Iike a day of eating junk food or a night of no sleep) until a year after my diagnosis. When I read your post, what jumped out at me was the feeling that you can't move forward with confidence because you don't have certainty about your symptoms. Is that true?

Hi, @loomis. Herpes has a mind of its own, really. No one knows exactly why some people get it while others don't, or why transmission happens when it does. I got herpes form one of a few short-term partners I had before getting marrried, all of which I used condoms with. Yet my ex-husband didn't get it from me after a 16 year relationship with no condoms or antivirals (I wasn't diagnosed until after I was divorced). Not only was I shocked to learn I have HSV2 (because my symptoms were so mild I assumed they were related to other things), but I was also shocked to learn I have HSV1 and I've never had a cold sore. I didn't know that was possible! Now I know that only about a third of those with oral HSV1 have cold sores. Btw, you can have HSV1 genitally with no infection in the oral area (as a result of oral sex). It's becoming increasingly common. For me, one of the hardest things to come to terms with concerning HSV is the uncertainty and lack of control. It's been a hard lesson to learn that when you think about it, most of life is full of uncertainty and control. The more I get used to that idea, I also find it strangely liberating because I'm no longer always trying to control every aspect and moment of my life (which is exhausting and endlessly disappointing). {{hugs}}

Beautifully stated, @Nisee. It takes a lot of guts to be honest and authentic. Kudos to you for doing just that!

Try another antiviral. My symptoms are very mild, but it didn't take too long to figure out what was an OB for me. On Valtrex initially,, I had near constant prodrome tingles and my usual mild OB every month. Went off for six months and the OBs continued like clockwork, just without the constant prodrome sensations. After about 2-3 months on acyclovir, no prodrome, no OBs, and no itching. It's been heaven!!

I think using the visualization of your three previous positive experiences would be a great asset for you!

I'm hoping others will chime in here, as I don't have much disclosure experience. Just my ex (told him by e-mail) and a fairly new long-distance relationship when I got my diagnosis. I was in the absolute worst state of mind for months after I found out, and that relationship eventually cooled off and ended (maybe it was herpes--maybe it was that we were not a good fit....who knows!) Perhaps you can find more examples in the success stories category?

I'm also late to this thread, but I'm so glad Stuckinashinybox dug it up, because it was so heartwarming to read!

Yup, same person trying to type on her phone and not make too many typos! If you click my username, it will show the posts I've made. The one called one year later describes how I handled my diagnosis initially....it was not good!!!! LOL Time, therapy and support like these forums help a lot!

Uncertainty is brutal. I hear you.

To answer your question, generally speaking, yes. What you're experiencing now is so normal. Virtually everyone on this site has been exactly where you are now. Most of us have had the exact same thoughts and feelings. I know I have, and I'm nearly twice your age! First, you grieve and let it out, because if you try to suppress those feelings, they'll just come back later when it's really inconvenient. Many people go through the stages of grieving and we all have different timelines for that. It's okay to be upset. We just don't want you to live there forever. :-) Next, you educate yourself. You'll learn a lot on these forums! Get Adrial's handouts, read Teri Warren's herpes handbook (or even better, her full book), and read blogs like those mentioned in these forums. Knowledge is power. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. We're all doing the best we can. And we're here to support you and encourage you along the way. {{hugs}}

The severity of an outbreak really varies by person and can change over time. One type is not better or worse than another. It's seemingly random and unpredictable....part of the reason it frustrates us so much! Have you ever done a blood test? It sounds like the Doc years ago made a visual diagnosis. It couldn't hurt to do an IgG blood test. Doesn't change the fact that you have type 2, but could give you more information. First, you might already have type 1 since most people do. Second, if the blood test comes back negative for type 2, it means you have a new type 2 infection (the swab doesn't lie, but the blood test can take several weeks to pick up a new infection. If you're positive on the blood test for type 2, then it tells you you've had this for a while and the nature and severity of your outbreaks simply changed.