Worst Herpes Story Ever--Part 6

abc123 · December 11, 2013

So, now here I am alone, afraid and not many options. Here is what I am having trouble accepting/ dealing with: there are not many stories on this site regarding someone who knowingly and willingly chose to get her/himself involved with someone they KNEW had herpes. Some people would say that it shows compassion on my part that I didn't judge David and shun him like a leper in biblical times. At that time, when he disclosed, no, it didn't really bother me. But I was also totally uneducated about it and he made it sound like unless there was an outbreak it was "no big deal." Of course we would be careful. The chances of getting it were low even during the few times when we weren't careful because he wasn't having a breakout. I didn't realize the chances would have been even less if he had been taking medication. I was in a different mind set and obviously was not thinking clearly. Does this really equal compassion? To me, not really. I literally rolled the dice with my own health and wasn't thinking I was actually going to "catch" it. Who would do this to themselves? In this situation I have no leverage with explaining my side of the story to any potential partner without that person thinking I make poor choices. AND it reinforces the fact that you absolutely can pass it along to someone no matter how careful you are. This is what makes disclosing to a new partner that much more difficult. How can I explain to a new partner that "hey, I was involved with someone and I KNEW he had herpes. I had the choice, and I chose to have sex with him. We were careful most of the time. I eventually contracted the virus too. He didn't mean to pass it along to me, but it happened, and I never knew I had it until I had my first outbreak -- and I might pass it on to you as well. Please have compassion for me and tell me that my having herpes doesn't bother you." What I did to Mark is the same thing as lying. Was it intentional? Did I mean to hurt him? Absolutely not, not in a million years. But here's the catch... I still KNEW I had been exposed to it. Now, at that time, after David and I stopped seeing each other and I never had any indication that I had contracted herpes, it never occurred to me that maybe I DID have it. I never gave it a second thought, never. That is irrelevant. I made the choice to be with an infected person, so I chose the consequences. The fact that I involved another person in this without giving him the prior knowledge that I had -and allowing him to decide to make a choice to be with me or not. My "not knowing" I had it is irrelevant. Had I not known that I had it or not known that I had even been exposed to it is different. I still made a bad choice in my situation-- and then I involved someone else. I had no right to do this to Mark. His bad behavior-- no matter how bad it had been in our past -- does not compare to me not telling him something that could potentially ruin his life. I guess I feel the same way about this as I feel about drunk drivers. If you chose to drink, and you chose to drink too much, and then you chose to get in your car and drive around, you are choosing the bad consequences that go along with it. You can drink as much as you want, but you cannot chose then to drive and involve other people that you could potentially harm. The other people on the road do not have the prior knowledge that someone is out there, driving drunk. These people were not given the choice to stay home due to the fact that there is a drunk idiot on the road. You already have prior knowledge that drinking while intoxicated is wrong and could potentially hurt people around you. If you do get in that car and you do hurt or even kill someone, you cannot later say, "I'm sorry. It was an accident. I didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't intentional. I honestly thought I could make it home without anyone being harmed. I knew I had too much to drink, but I chose to drive anyway. I didn't realize how drunk I was and I was not thinking clearly. I'm sorry." That is bullshit. People have compassion for other people that have been hurt by drunk drivers. People do not have compassion or sympathy for people who choose to drink and drive and put other people at risk. And isn't it true-- it's the drunk driver who walks away from the accident unscathed. It is always the innocent victim who is hurt or killed. My situation is not the same as someone who slept with a new partner who really didn't know they were infected in the first place--and passed it along to someone else. That is a situation worthy of compassion. Ooooppss, I had a random one night stand with an infected person who didn't tell me/ didn't know- and I got herpes, but I will never see that person again. Chalk that one up to bad luck or misfortune. The people who know they have it and don't tell their partner--basically lie about it, those people are dishonest and need to rethink about how they are affecting people. I honestly didn't know I had it, but I did know I was exposed to it. Same thing as lying, so I deserve zero sympathy. There is not enough "I'm sorry" in the world to excuse what I did, no matter how unintentional it was. It is unforgivable. I would never ever expect Mark to forgive me. How could he? Also, at this moment in time I do not see how I could forgive myself. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say here. I am speaking for myself/about myself and how I personally feel. Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?

mr_hopp · December 11, 2013

"... so I deserve zero sympathy."

My heart sank and I have a lump in my throat when I read this. You might see it that way, but I am giving you love and forgiveness. Nothing is unforgivable.

The fact that you are so deep in misery about this doesn't show how bad of a person you are. It shows how much you CARE.

People who aren't connected to their hearts don't suffer like you're suffering. They just move on without a second thought. They don't write a 6-Part Story on a forum. ;) They simply ignore it and continue on doing horrible things. They continue on in denial of the impact they have on their world and the people in it.

People who are connected to their hearts SUFFER when they do something that is out of alignment with their integrity. And that suffering is HEALTHY. It means our sense of integrity is still intact. We are still connected to ourselves. It means we still care. Ironically, you are beating yourself up so much because you care so damn much. Do you see that? You're willing to keep flailing yourself for something you did wrong so that you can pay for it. I for one, want to take the whip out of your hands. Beating yourself up won't help anyone. Learning from it will. I believe that we don't learn from beating ourselves up, but by learning from our mistakes and course-correcting. Letting our hearts lead the way. Suffering after hurting someone else makes us remember ... so that we won't hurt anyone again. I have hurt people in the past. I know that feeling. I have been unconscious and selfish. I have been afraid to stick to what I knew was right. And I deeply believe that every time I messed up, I learned. I was committed to learning from everything I did that didn't feel in alignment with my integrity. I learned that I have a heart that hurts when I don't listen to it. I learned that people deserve to be treated fairly and with love and compassion, even when it's hard for me to do.

This is all a path of learning and growing. After you feel that you have suffered enough and have beaten yourself up enough, I want you to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. It doesn't make what you did right. It makes what you did a learning lesson so that it doesn't happen again. So that the ripple you send out into the world isn't perpetuating hurt, but perpetuating love and acceptance. Make what happened turn into a positive by allowing it to be a deep, important lesson of learning for you. Please. That's what the world needs. For you to be a positive force of love in the world. Let that be the lesson you learn from this. The world doesn't get better by you feeling continually guilty and unforgiven. The world gets better by you forgiving yourself so your heart can open back up and love again with integrity and honor. When you're ready.

Sabrinalexandra · December 11, 2013

I'll tell you something unforgivable, at age 13 I came home and my mother had moved herself and all her stuff out of our house and abandoned our family and reasons that were less than honorable. Guess what I have forgiven her, I have not forgotten, but I have forgiven.

So, you knew that the person you slept had the virus and you made some uninformed decisions, you also didn't know you had the virus until your outbreak, which means you didn't know and had nothing to disclose. From your story it sounds like there was a bit of time between you and David and you and Mark, most people get their first outbreaks within 2wks of exposure, so how would you know?! You are really being too hard on yourself and I think there are deeper issues coming to the surface, especially surrounding this Mark guy....I mean did he disclose his sexual history in detail? Probably not and I would doubt he would have told you the truth even if he did.

Mark sounds like one of those bad decisions we all make when we are vulnerable, lonely, or really want something that makes us vulnerable. There could be other manifestations in your life that you need to deal with, which will help you see things in a new light. You are vulnerable right now and being your own worst judge and jury

Sabrinalexandra · December 11, 2013

BTW forgiving my mother didn't take compassion, it took forgiveness and moving on. Compassion is me taking her in to my home and taking care of her while she heals from the surgery she has next month.

The point everyone is making with David, is you didn't go running out of the room when you heard the word herpes, while you may not have been well informed or made the best decisions (but really who has all the time), you hadn't bought into the stigma society has placed on this virus. However, you are now buying into that stigma because you made uninformed decisions that led to your exposure and you are reacting to Mark's reaction. This will take time and you will forgive yourself, just keep trying!

WCSDancer2010 · December 12, 2013

Tough love alert!!!

Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?

In a word. NO. Not one iota.

As Adrial wrote: People who aren't connected to their hearts don't suffer like you're suffering. They just move on without a second thought. They don't write a 6-Part Story on a forum. They simply ignore it and continue on doing horrible things. They continue on in denial of the impact they have on their world and the people in it.

Mark CONTINUALLY hurt you, time after time, easily walking away for another woman, AND using you while WITH another woman. As Sabrinaalexandra said did he disclose his sexual history in detail? Probably not and I would doubt he would have told you the truth even if he did. Can I get an AMEN here?!

DON'T YOU GET IT? You said yourself he can easily walk away from a relationship. And then when he gets bored of chasing tail he knows you will be there, "patiently waiting" (because you are "good at it" even by your own admission) for him. Don't you get it? This is an ABUSIVE relationship and you are in a typical abusive relationship cycle. And as the "victim", you take on all the blame and shame for everything. You are feeling guilty for having "seen" someone when you were broken up and not expecting to see him ever again. You have NO IDEA how many people on here got H because they were blissfully ignorant about it on so many levels. That doesn't make any one of us dirty or unlovable. IT MAKES US HUMAN.

Again, as Sabrinaalexandra said ...while you may not have been well informed or made the best decisions (but really who has all the time), you hadn't bought into the stigma society has placed on this virus. However, you are now buying into that stigma because you made uninformed decisions that led to your exposure and you are reacting to Mark's reaction.

Have a look at this video ... I think you will see that Mark has most, if not all of the signs (I certainly can see at least half of them in what you have admitted yourself about him on here) of what Dr Phil calls a BAITER. This was one small segment of a great program he and Oprah did about maybe a year ago about spotting the toxic people in your life http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/13/dr-phil-life-code_n_3203846.html

What *I* am seeing in all your writing is a person who has had all sense of self worth beaten out of her by this continual push-pull game that Mark has played with you for years. Victims put all the blame and shame on themselves for all the things that go wrong in the relationship. Abusers/Baiters take no responsibility for their actions, sweet talk their way in when they want you and easily walk away when they are bored with you. I've had 2 other people who I have pointed this out to in my life - who both came back to me later and said I hit the nail on the head once they went into therapy .... every ounce of me says this is another such case.

I'm going to ask you to go back and re-read my answer to your 5th post again and again. And I'm going to ask you to PLEASE get into therapy because what *I* am seeing is a VERY unhealthy attachment/co-dependent type relationship with Mark that I think you need to look at with someone who can help you to see what I think I can safely say most, if not all of us on here can see ... that you continue to self flagellate and beat yourself up and honey, this is NOT healthy AND it's just sooooo unwarranted.

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. But first you have to love YOU. Time to work on self forgiveness my friend.... (((HUGS)))

hope75 · December 12, 2013

Adrial

Your reply made me cry. I needed to hear these words, but for something other than herpes, so thank you. I had some time away from here, because I thought It was contributing to me thinking so often about herpes. But then I realised that I think about it anyway, and that this site is so much more than herpes , so thank you.

And abc123. My heart goes out to you, but you must try to think about the many positives you have rather than the one thing that you are caught up in. ( I know easier said than done) a few years ago someone once suggested to me to keep a positive book. It was a little note pad on with a bright rainbow on the front. In the book she suggested that everyday I write 3 things that I had done that were positive, increasing to 5 things. I did this over a period of time, and although didn't totally stop me thinking about how bad a person I was for causing someone close to me to hurt. It did make me realise that in addition to that one negative thing I did, I also do many many positive things. But for some reason I tended to over look these and dwell on and beat my self up constantly over that one mistake.... go figure. Big hugs Mrs x

OnTheBrightSide · December 12, 2013

@abc123

My hearts aches for you. You sound like you view yourself as a loaded weapon, one that you can't trust to keep the safety on. I hope you give yourself more credit and let some of the pressure out of the H balloon you've been inflating with all of this analysis of your actions.

Please know that you're not killing anyone or ruining anyone's life if you give them H. That's the kind of talk that makes it hard for the rest of us to disclose with comfort and confidence. Please realize that you would not be having this spiral if you and David were still together. You would be on here commenting how glad you are that you made the choice to accept him and, even though you caught it, your love is going strong.

It's all perspective and you have to realize that NO ONE is going to excuse you, until you excuse yourself. I say excuse NOT forgive because you made a choice. It was the right one at the time. It didn't work out. The only thing you have to forgive it treating yourself like a punching bag now. To err is human and if you start walking down the road of trying to figure how many ways your actions have negatively affected people, you might as well put on some sweat pants and buy a cubic ton of Ben & Jerry's, cause its going to be a while.

Also people DO have compassion for drunk drivers...who get help and turn their lives around and use their past mistakes as the fuel to be productive members of society. You have that fuel!! Use it to set yourself and others on fire!

Take a deep breath and realize what's in the past is in the past. You are floating in a sea of your emotions and your accusations and your self assessments, and honey, you won't float much longer. You'll have to sink or swim. The tough part with being intelligent and articulate, of which you seem to be both, is that you can tell yourself any story and since an intelligent and articulate person told it, you'll accept it as gospel. What are you really trying to punish yourself for? What feelings of self-loathing is this reinforcing?

Please give yourself permission to tell yourself another story.

Sending you my forgiveness.

X

OnTheBrightSide · December 12, 2013

p.s. please note that that was a metaphorical fire...please don't actually set anyone on fire.

Thanks!

abc123 · December 12, 2013

Wow. Reading your responses really feels like I have someone here to talk to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would like to take some time to respond to you all. I am in therapy now. I am not sure if it's working, but I am willing to go and work through some of my other issues. I have not drank in about 6 weeks. i have never 'not drank' in my life. it is helping me think more clearly. I guess I feel like whatever issues I have with Mark, how he treated me, etc...is not really my issue now. I am trying to put the shoe on the other foot. How would I feel if someone did this to me? If this was a one night stand I had with a stranger, and didn't know this person had the virus and I woke up the next morning, said 'goodbye' and went on with my life-- and then later I started dating Mark again ( or anyone else) and then later in our relationship found out that-- whoops-- I caught herpes from that one night stand, then this would be so very different. If this virus wasn't so damn tricky to figure out AND if it wasn't highly contagious, it would be no biggie. I could live with a pesky few blisters every once in a while and take my pills, and it would clear up. Anyone can do that. What bothers me is my lack of judgement and my decision making process. If it would have only affected myself, than that would be ok, I could eventually get over it. I would feel as badly as i do now. 3 lives have been affected negatively because of this. I still live in fear that Mark's blood test is not accurate. I do not have a 100% guarantee that he is perfectly fine and does not have this virus. This is very hard to live with everyday. Can you imagine how I will feel if it turns out he is positive?! It would be unbearable. My friendship with David will never be the same. Mark hates my guts. These things bother me. It bothers me more because I am the source of the problem. The fact that Mark is not that decent of a guy is not really my issue. If I find out that I gave someone herpes --intentionally or not, it is not something I would be able to forgive myself for. That process would take years and a whole lot of therapy. I hope I am making sense. I so appreciate the love and support here. You all are amazing, loving and caring people. Please do not think I am not taking your messages and advice to heart-- I am. I promise. It feels good to have people who care about me. I look forward to responding with you more.

WCSDancer2010 · December 12, 2013

I am in therapy now. I am not sure if it's working, but I am willing to go and work through some of my other issues.

If this therapist isn't working for you, find another - I'm a Massage Therapist and I know that not everyone will like my style, and that is ok. I'd rather they find a therapist that works for them. ;)

I have not drank in about 6 weeks. i have never 'not drank' in my life. it is helping me think more clearly.

THAT is GREAT! Maybe H came into your life to help you get away from the bottle ;) I had not got this in your other posts...you realize that this makes you even more likely to engage in co-dependent and abusive relationships? I'm so glad you are in therapy - you may need to find different therapists as you dig through your stuff... I think you will be digging for awhile but I hope that you will stick with it.

AND if it wasn't highly contagious

Honey - it's NOT highly contagious - *especially* F-M transmission.

Standard risk is 4%

With Antivirals 2% (same risk of dying in a car accident)

add a condom 1%

That is hardly "Highly Contagious" - the only time you could say it's highly contagious is when you are in a full blown outbreak.

BTW, M-F IS higher, but still not "highly" contagious

Standard risk is 10%

With antivirals 5%

Add condom, 2 1/2 %

Mark hates my guts.

REALLY? After all the shit he did to YOU he hates your guts? Good then. Maybe he will finally leave you alone and let you get a REAL MAN in your life. Sorry, but honey, you really, truly are better off without him.

Once again, I personally appreciate that you didn't cut David out of your life because of the Herpes...that you didn't let that stop you. I mean, what you are saying is noone here should ever find love with a H- person because they *might* get it and then *possibly* expose someone to it at some point in the future, which would make them all evil, terrible people. Because if this makes YOU terrible, then it makes every other H- person who is in a relationship with a H- person terrible. And I don't think that is accurate or fair.

I am so looking forward to hearing how things go as you work though your stuff (I think we gave you plenty of material to bring into your therapy too...LOL) Be gentle on yourself. I think every one of us here are cheering for you to discover a way to forgive and love yourself through all this.

(((HUGS)))

Orngpeelmafia · December 13, 2013

Tough love time from another person but know this is all said because it's what I needed to hear...what I ended up telling myself to get myself to where I am.

Any way you get herpes is going to lead to the same thoughts: "I am a horrible person" herpes is just the catalyst for our self loathing thoughts. Why? Because society tells us herpes is "bad" but only if we have it on out unmentionables...well I am calling shenanigans!!!!! How you got herpes is irrelevant because now you have it so stop looking at the past and start moving to the future!

I'm dating someone who doesn't have herpes on his man bits...and it was scary telling him about it and it was even scarier the first few times we had sex (afterwards hahaha) because herpes was always on my mind. And before he and I got physical we talked A LOT about herpes and what it means to me and my life now. And during these talks I told him how I sometimes think that if I would've been given a choice it would be easier to deal with. He looked at me and said "maybe it would've been easier to come to terms with but this moment wouldn't be any different...we would still be having this same conversation" and he was right. Knowing and having a choice might have given me a person to talk to about everything but my current boyfriend didn't give me herpes...so yea regardless of how I got herpes the disclosure and lead up to being physical with this amazing man would still be the same. Knowledge prior to sex or not we all have done the same thing: we made a choice to have sex with someone who has HSV.

Now for me I used the "I didn't know" out for a bit to make myself feel better...but that just lead to "Katie you're a dumb slut" thought process...who would have sex and not ask?! Oh wait...a lot of people don't ask so I'm not being a dumb slut! But I could've been smarter about it right?! I'm such an idiot! And the self loathing just kept repeating over and over until one day I said enough. I have herpes now I have to have a life. I realized after some time spent here on the forums and talking with my other (sometimes more insightful) half that however you get herpes you can find a way to hate yourself for it.

Why? I mean really why hate yourself for a rash?! Life happens. This is part of it for a good number of us but why hate yourself for something so trivial? Don't fixate on one thing that you perceive as a negative. Focus on your whole being as a positive!

WCSDancer2010 · December 13, 2013

@Orngpeelmafia He looked at me and said "maybe it would've been easier to come to terms with but this moment wouldn't be any different...we would still be having this same conversation"

I think I just heard the Angels sing!!! And btw, that man is a KEEPER!

ashaelizbeth · December 13, 2013

abc I just want to hug you... And somehow stop you from the mental beating you're giving yourself!!

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Worst Herpes Story Ever--Part 6

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