First Quasi Rejection

[Athena]

So, I was talking to a Doctor I met off plenty of fish and we hit it off...talked 10 hrs yesterday and 12 today. The topic of one night stands and past experiences come up as do the dangers associated with those choices. Long story short, he brought up herpes and how it would be a deal breaker because "genital herpes is SO MUCH WORSE" than hsv1, it's for life and yada yada yada....and my heart sunk into a deep dark place. I replied with statistics and corrected him with feigned laughter. He continues on to tell me how much he likes me and wants to get to know me more. In my head i'm thinking "fuck...WHY did you have to be so ignorant and judgmental? You're a fucking doctor you should know better! Right?!" I'm sad. Conducted a "science experiment" and had 10 people tell me no big deal doesn't change anything. The one I want to tell me it's no big and think that he'll know better BECAUSE he's a doctor...no dice. fuck. Well, now I have to make up an excuse not to meet him even though he has a sexy brain and we click on every other fucking level. *sad*

[willow]

Tell him u have to wash your hair...

 

what an ignorants ass!

If hsv2 IS so horrible, .... shouldnt i be put in a cage with the other 20% of people who have it? And get shipped off to one of those "must see the freaks" show?

 

So sorry to hear this one didnt work out, its baffeling!

Keep ur chin up high! Im giving u a big ol hug right now!

[Helzbelz88]

Just because some one has a degree, their name on a certificate in a frame and a professional occupation doesn't mean they don't still have the potential to be an ass.

 

You could still meet him and school him on his naivety :P

[WCSDancer2010]

I agree with @HelzBelz .... degrees don't make people emphatic and compassionate. He's a DOCTOR ... if he talks like that about H, I'd hate to be his patient.....

 

I'd tell him the truth about why you can't meet him ... that you actually DO have Herpes and you don't want to date an ignorant ass like him. I mean, he's entitled to his opinion but his delivery (ESPECIALLY for a Doctor) tells you that he's a judgmental fool with no empathy for the people who might walk into his office with Herpes and need his SUPPORT, not his judgement. Who would want to date someone like that? Herpes may have just saved you from a lot of heartache.

 

Keep that science experiment going with him... I'd LOVE to hear his reply if you told him your status. Maybe, just MAYBE (we've had it happen on here before) he would stop and realize how insensitive he was and he'd apologize ... then YOU are in the drivers seat as to whether you would want to meet him in person... fully prepared with the knowledge that this guy might have a pretty ugly side to him ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Ral515]

I'm with Dancer! I would tell him! As hard as you think it may be to disclose, I would. Like you said yall hit it off! So apparently he saw a little spark for you already? I mean I wouldn't talk all day to someone if I didn't think something could persist.

 

I'm a nurse and there are a few doctors I work with that I would rather leave the hospital against medical advice if they walked into my room! That is true. Degrees don't mean you are smart!

[Athena]

Well, here's the thing...it was about 1am when we discussed this and I was thrown off so much I just kinda blurted out "but I don't have anything." I was nervous and I didn't know what to do even though I knew it was over at that point and it wouldn't matter if I was honest with him I couldn't see him because of how he feels about it. Aside from this...I really enjoyed talking to him :( Should I just cut him off completely, tell him I have it and that I got nervous and lied last night on the phone or just make up a reason that I can't date him? I can count the times I've lied in my adulthood on one hand, this really isn't like me and I feel terribly ashamed.

[WCSDancer2010]

Then don't start telling lies now. I'd just say that you were thrown off by how ugly he was about H, but the fact of the matter is, you have it and if that's a deal breaker for him that you wish him a nice, STD-free life and good luck with all that :p

 

Tell him with pride and confidence, knowing you are a great catch and that he's missing out if he lets you walk away. YOU walk away from him, not through a lie, but through YOUR TRUTH.

 

Why are you suddenly worried about his reaction? You told 10 guys ... and I get it, you didn't care about their reaction ... but if this guy is such a jerk, why would you be worried about HIS reaction? Again, he has every right to choose to not be involved with someone with an STD, but the way he brought it up says he's insensitive and likely has other personality traits that will come out over time once he gets bored with being charming and on his best behavior.

 

Let H be your Wingman here. Tell him what we already said here, and if he is a gentleman he will at LEAST apologize for his insensitivity (even if he chooses to not continue with you).

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

Athena, its so unfortunate how some people can be so ignorant. He obviously has low emotional intelligence and also is misinformed. Some doctor he's going to be!

 

There will be other men! Don't you worry...you're a great gal! As I always say, that all the wrong guys lead you to the right one. This is just another step stone.

 

Chin up friend!

 

 

[msmee]

Is he really a doctor? People lie all the time on those sites.

[whitedaisies]

Lol

[Athena]

Sorry! I was taking finals yesterday so I didn't get on very much! Well, he messaged and called relentlessly and eventually I replied. (Yes, he really is a doctor lol I heard his medical staff called him away during our convo) I started out telling him that while I enjoy talking to him I feel he is a bit too judgmental and misinformed about things. He was hurt but didn't ask for clarification. I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM but I could feel the hurt he was feeling and simply left it at that I would like to be friends with him. I know it's not what was advised, but I do plan on telling him even if we are just to be friends.

[New_Moon]

@Athena, maybe he's been told he's too judgemental by others and that's why he didn't ask? Well done for telling him the truth even though you didn't disclose, I don't think you should feel bad that you didn't and you might get another chance to educate him since you have suggested being friends! :)

[whitedaisies]

I think that's great Athena. Hope ur finals went well.

 

U really did a great job in ur discussion with him. U don't hbe to reveal anything if u don't want. U told him exactly what u felt anyway u were genuine and honest.

 

Sooo proud of u!!!!

[willow]

Maybe by eventually telling him, itll open up his eyes.

Maybe he'll understand just how insignificant hsv really is.

and im sure if he knew u uad it, he wouldnt judge u nessicarily,

and he might still feel the same way about it, but i highly doubt he'll judge u, he's just stuck on the stigma and he's probably scared.

[WCSDancer2010]

I hope you get the opportunity to tell him. Many times people have no idea of the impact of what they are saying and how it hurts others unintentionally, so maybe if he really was hurt, you might get through to him and he will be more careful in the future.

 

Good for you for taking a stand against ignorance and judgement :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[beachluvr]

I had a very similar experience a few weeks ago. I met someone on a dating site. He seemed like a great guy; very professional, funny, easy to talk to, is a Realtor and we talked about real estate since I'm sort of in the same field, etc. We had several phone conversations and made arrangements to meet for lunch. He called me at work the day before we were suppose to meet and we chatted a while. He proceeds to tell me that he and his friends are joksters and play jokes on each other a lot. He said he played a joke on his friend and had a female friend of his call and say she was from a doctor's office and they had a patient in there who tested positive for an STD and that she named him as one of her sex partners. He said he let his friend suffer for 24 hours before finally telling him it was a joke. My heart sank when he told me that. I was hurt, pissed, and just plain not feeling him anymore. Here I'm thinking he sounds like a great guy and then that! What an ass! The day of our date, I called to tell him I had to reschedule due to personal reasons and he was very understanding and has even text to ask when we are getting together because he really wants to meet me. I am not feeling it anymore. I wanted to just blast him and tell him that is not something to joke about, that things happen because people are uneducated, that no one is perfect, and that I even have one. But I didn't. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got. I was not going to tell someone I didn't feel comfortable telling, someone that I didn't know if I could trust, and was not going to disclose for the first time this way....to someone who thinks of it as a joke because he obviously wasn't, in my opinion, going to be accepting of it. It's a shame because other than that, he seemed like a great guy.

[whitedaisies]

It amazes me how ignorant people are. The fact that people play jokes like that on someone for fun is so jeuvenile.

 

And to confess this stupidity to someone u want to date is hideous.

 

Ugh!!!

 

[whitedaisies]

It's kind of funny, I would rather date someone with herpes, getting w diagnosis like this requires so much personal growth. It requires a person to really know who they are, they become stronger, more accepting people. It's a shame others don't see that. Their loss, they are missing out on some great people!!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@beachluvr

 

You know, you don't have to disclose to him to tell him that you were not at all impressed with his "joke" on his friend. You can twist things around if you are not comfortable telling him the truth, that you know someone who has Herpes and how devastating it's been for them and that his "joke" just adds to the stigma that people feel when they do get a STD. That you've learned through their experience that ANYONE can get one and that IT'S NO JOKE and especially it's not funny to pull that kind of joke on someone.

 

I personally am all for schooling someone when they deserve it ... preferably in a way that will help them grow. You wanted to say something.... by withholding that you are not being true to YOU and what you now know and believe about Herpes ... there are ways to say what you need to say so you feel you have done the right thing and closed that door....instead of continuing to be upset and frustrated about his ignorance. :)

 

And BTW, he *might* be accepting of it because he may not feel that an STD is a big deal, which *may* be why he did the joke. You never know how people justify things. Not that you would want to date him (unless he suddenly had a big epiphany about the tactlessness of the joke). To be honest, if he was sensitive he would have realized that you became less responsive and animated right after the joke, but seems he's not that tuned into others. By telling him you *may* help him grow and realize that the impact of his "joke" went far, far further than he he ever thought it would :(

 

(((HUGS)))

[New_Moon]

Hi @beachluvr

 

I don't blame you for going off him what a cruel thing to do to someone, why would that ever be funny? I think you've dodged a bullet to be honest!

[myfiercecalm]

So @Athena, were you hitting on my doctor on plenty of fish?? This dude sounds suspiciously like the monkey with a fancy stamp on a piece of paper who calls himself my doctor. Please school the primate on Hsv and let him know what he missed out on with you and why. Thanks!

[ihaveittoo]

For 16 years I was a letter carrier for the USPS. One morning I was going about getting the route I was carrying ready to go to the street. The carrier on the route next to me began laughing like Bevis from Bevis and Butt-head. He comes over and hands me a letter that had HERPES TEST RESULTS ENCLOSED printed on it. This happened during the period in my life when I didn't speak to anyone about herpes. I was conflicted. On one hand it was amusing, it was obviously a gag novelty item. On the other it wasn't, in my frame of mind at the time it just reinforced the idea that I was damaged goods and not desireable. I didn't dare do or say anything to out myself.

 

Now days if that happened I know the stats to quote. Before you laugh you better know your status. You could be unwittingly infecting others with herpes. The individuals referenced earlier in the thread need to be educated.

 

Just an aside...The guy who laughed like Bevis was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole about 15 years ago now. He graduated from pothead to methhead. He got wasted one night and ended up murdering his girlfriend. Its one of the big reasons I am against legalizing pot. Ok, stepping off the soapbox.