i want to die because of herpes

[kaybee]

I honestly want to die. Everyone keeps saying herpes isnt bad its the social stigma but it has ruined my body since the first horrific outbreak. not a day goes by that im not itching all over---arms, back, stomach, legs, and down there. Ive had everything from white colored itchy bumps, to blistering hands, and now a red round hive like rash first on my arms and now legs. Not to mention the itching down there. This all started right during my first outbreak and hasnt ended 3 months now later. The doctor blood tested me and found im allergic to dust mites but no amount of cleaning and washing everything helps at all. I have to take zyrtec twice a day and benydryl at night and i still cant sleep until i pass out of exaustion at 4 am. Its affecting my life, my school work, my mind and my general happiness and i honestly just cant do it anymore. If this cant be fixed i dont think i can live any longer. Before all of this horrible shit i was healthy and happy and doing really well in school. I feel like i completely lost my heallth from having sex one time. I cry everyday seeing what it has done to my body and i feel like god just hates me. I hate myself.

[whiteshadowcgb]

You sound stressed (with good reason) try taking a deep breath and do relaxing things. Stress can do a lot to the body. I know when I get thinking I get "symptoms" I know its hard but hang in there. And NO GOD doesn't hate you. 'if he brings you to it, he'll help you through it' God only gives you what he knows you can handle. Be strong and fight the fight. My body is going through a lot of changes as well (Feb was the encounter) hang tight, eat right and focus on relaxing.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Kaybee, I am so sorry to hear you are in such discomfort. That has got to be so stressful for you. Did the doctor say the allergy was related to the herpes or was it a coincidence? I know for myself, If I am stressed and anxious, I break out in an itchy skin rash. The more anxious I get the worse it gets. Stress can do horrible things to your body. I know my first months with herpes I obsessed about getting another outbreak and stressed about it constantly. Every itch, ache or whatever was a sign that I was going to get another outbreak. With time and once things settle down, you heal. What have you been doing to really take care and nurture yourself? It sounds like now more than ever you need to find ways to take care of you, be as kind and loving to yourself as you possibly can and find a way to gear down the stress and anxiety. Do you incorporate any sort of relaxation techniques in to your daily practice? One thing I have found that really helped me was Nidra meditation. You can download it from You Tube. It is a totally guided meditation. Reaching out to us is also a great step in self-care. I can appreciate that right now with the discomfort you are having, it seems all so hopeless, but it will get better. Sending hugs and healing light to you my dear.

 

Brenda xo

[Chase]

things will get better. thats what this site has tought me. there is hope:)

[mr_hopp]

Wanting to die is basically saying that a virus is more powerful than you. And I'm just going to call that out for the bullshit it is (in the most loving, supportive, nurturing way possible). :) YOU are the captain of your ship! A simple virus (even through all the itching and annoyance) isn't going to take you out of commission! I promise you! It may FEEL like that right now, but the ironic part about feelings is that the more we are willing to actually feel, the more they are able to move and shift. And then the feelings of wanting to die transform into re-connecting to yourself: A beautiful, worth it human being. Get it? So love yourself. Don't kill yourself. It's just a virus with an unfair reputation.

[Chase]

*Heart*

 

[kaybee]

I haven't looked at this in awhile but I wanted to thank everyone for your support, it means a lot to have this forum full of people who understand what I'm going through. I found out the night I posted this that I had scabies for 2 months and blamed the symptoms on h rather than find out what was truely wrong (though I was misdiagnosed a month in with just allergies) yikes. regardless I am now thankful to just have h, scabies was a million times worse. I guess this shows how much a virus can consume your thoughts, I feel so silly now for blaming my problem on h. I'm now happy healthy and itch free and ill take my occasional outbreak with a smile after all I went through :)

[mr_hopp]

Ah, glad to hear it, kaybee. Thanks for clarifying for us. Yes, sometimes herpes gets blamed for a lot, doesn't it? Poor herpes. ;) Really it's just an occasional, annoying skin condition with a stigma associated with it. Most of the other things that are associated with it are totally in our head or something else entirely. Welcome back! :)

[Moveon]

 

Kaybee!!!!!!!!!

 

I just read this and am SO HAPPY to hear you are HAPPY! :x was worried :(

-that is all I can say right now!---

[GreenEyes727]

A happy ending! I can deal with that!

[Kimmysue]

I felt the same as kaybee

I found out in May this year and I'm still not totally mentally happy and I doubt I will ever be.

I feel why should I tell every partner and constantly get rejected when that person who gave it to me, chose not to tell me. And took MY decision away from me.

There is no social stigma to this disease - it it was it is and probably every person you try and date will reject you. So you may as well get used to it!

I'd had a pretty shit year to start with - NYE found out new bf was going behind my back with his ex

Then another guy stopped dating me after a day as he felt second best

I then got back with an ex and we fought and split

I thought I'd then met a 'really nice guy' who I think gave me the herpes and also a baby. I wasn't aware of the disease at this point and chose a termination as he left me when he found out and I had uni and travelling booked.

I then found out about herpes and have honestly never felt that low

I was grieving for an abortion, then starting to regret my decision as whose going to want me now??? I had an awful time at work and my ex left - my whole world just crashed down before my eyes I felt like killing myself I was sleeping two hours if at all a night and just didn't want to be here. I still don't although i don't feel suicidal anymore.

I told my ex and he was calm - but is refusing to get tested (denial) every guy I've met has said no they don't wish to continue- please tell me when this is meant to get better???

I also feel cheated. People with cold sores on their face don't walk around telling every body before they kiss someone - yet I have to just because it's on my vagina???

Also the constant conflicting advice - if it's not there you can't spread - but on here you say you can

I literally had one very small cut - I thought I'd nicked myself with a razor that's how small it was

The GUM clinic apparently don't test unless you ask and don't see it as a big deal??! So you ask yourself why it's on such a rise ??

I feel incredibly lost and really not looking forward to the 'rest' of my life - most likely alone and childless but I would really like someone to talk to

Sorry for the essay but I'm pretty much alone

[lulu87]

So glad to hear the original author is doing better.

 

Kimmysue, I am on board with you darling. It's been really rough since my diagnosis. Knowing there's rejection out there is hard and hearing that you didn't want the people who reject you isn't always comforting because it doesn't take the sting out of rejection. BUT, I think that despite all our ups and downs and it being hard, everyone keeps telling me the first year is the hardest. Once we get used to and trust our bodies again, we will be able to find partners who we realize will accept and trust this. As with all loving relationships, the concern should come first and sex second and herpes is not the end of the world. People will realize that when they care about you regardless of herpes.

 

I had the same thing happen - the guy who gave it to me either didn't know or didn't tell me and now won't speak to me or acknowledge giving it to me. We can't focus on that and trust that the universe has karma in it for those two cowardly people who did not care to inform us. Instead, we can use it to show people it's not a big deal and we CAN disclose and give them the power to choose.

 

I am in a good place right now as I type this and I hope it helps you, but I'll admit that I feel like you do quite often and I'll probably have to come back and read this myself! If I can be helpful, please message me :)

[Loveroflife11]

I've had this for 23 years. When I was diagnosed in 1990, there was no Internet, no way to get the research except maybe the library and the occasional magaz