mr_hopp

I totally agree, graphicdesign22! There's plenty that we communicate "under the surface" when we talk about having herpes. And the more we are aware of those things we believe just under the surface, the better we can communicate who we truly are instead of communicating our fears and doubts. Thanks for adding your voice to this discussion!

I had an interesting email exchange with someone (whose name is withheld to protect the innocent — let's call this person "Pat") about this whole herpes thing. Pat emails me directly:"Whats the cure? Or u dont really have one?" I email Pat back: "I understand the desperation. I went through the same thing. Are you under the impression I'm offering a physical cure for herpes? I'm not. But a physical cure isn't what's needed here. What the Herpes Opportunity is all about is realizing what stories you're making up about what having herpes means. It's a cure for all those horrible thoughts you're making up about yourself." Pat replies: "What's the point of that? I want a real cure." This has me feeling sad about the numerous people who might feel the same way. If there is no physical cure, then there's no opportunity to be happy, to be in love with your life. Do you see the horribly self-destructive belief in that? This can cause so much pain and suffering. And you know what? This belief actually creates this reality, of being alone, of being sad. Waiting for some hope of happiness at some point in the future. But not now. So what is the point of thinking this way if there's no cure for herpes? I'd love to hear what you think ...

ArtIsTheSearch - Wow, where did you come from, bro? So appreciative to have you be a contributor here. You are so right on. All your points are well put. You clearly have such a big heart, ready to give it. The fact that you are going through the same thing AND want to help others at the same time shows the kind of person you are. I love it. Thank you for being here and sharing yourself like you do.

Here's a link to the herpes cure video so others know what you're referring to. And based on my experience with so many other people with herpes, yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Be your own supportive friend during this time. You deserve it. [Here is part of the post "How can you get herpes?" on the herpeslife blog.] Based on my experience and everything I've heard from the medical community and people in the support group, it's difficult to spread herpes manually from one part of the body to another. It is possible, but it's hard to do. Keep in mind that for some people, the virus shows up in the exact same spot for every herpes outbreak, while for other people, their outbreaks move around a bit (the virus might use a different nerve system/"herpes highway" to get to the surface of the skin). For those where it moves around a bit, this is most likely not because of anything you've done. In order for you to manually move the virus to other parts of your body, you'll have to transfer the fluid from within a herpes sore to another part of your body that has an opening (a cut, a mucous membrane). And because of the rapid breakdown of the herpes virus in open air, this would have to be done with ninja-like swiftness. But if you have any sort of paranoia, simply wash your hands after touching any herpes sore and you're definitely home-free.

zmbgl88 - First off, my heart goes out to you. I want to hug you and hold you. You deserve to feel what you feel. If it helps at all, all of the thoughts and feelings you are currently going through, I went through in my own way. Being pissed off at the world, thinking it's just not fair that I got herpes when everyone else seems to be having all sorts of flagrant unprotected sex; I felt totally alone and cried myself to sleep at night — at least when I actually allowed myself to FEEL anything at all (denial kept me from feeling everything, a general feeling of numbness and emptiness was my default for a while). And as I look back on that now, that was part of MY personal process of healing. As weird as it sounds, it's healthy to feel angry, sad — actually FEEL it. Grieve what you need to grieve. Feel what you need to feel. Lean on who you need to lean on. And realize that you will feel happiness again. Be fair to yourself. Love yourself amidst all those voices of shaming and self-defeat. Know that those voices aren't the truth, they're just your unfair judgments of yourself. You are worth it. You are beautiful. And as far as your logistical situation about school goes, I would suggest you talk with a school counselor (or a nurse at your health department) about what happened. Your school may give you an academic break. Assume that people will understand you and will help you. Be open to people caring. No one can help unless they are given the chance. Reach out. Just like you did here on this forum. Take care of yourself, okay? And let us know how we can help support you during this time. Much love. :)

Hi Tigerlily! Thank you for sharing your story here. Thank you for being so open. I know that telling personal herpes stories that would normally stay behind closed doors actually help many more people simply by sharing them in the open. It really reinforces that genital herpes actually isn't a big deal. It shares a story that I know so many people with genital herpes can relate with. It's amazing to me that for many people, the symptoms of herpes are — just like you said — only a little bump or two, yet there's such a stigma about it. We see such minor symptoms of the virus, yet society tells us in so many ways to be horribly ashamed of it. We don't have to be ashamed. Shame comes from the inside out. It's a decision we make whether to be ashamed of a simple virus or not. Ultimately, it's a minor skin condition: acne genitalis. P.S. I'm glad you got something from the herpes disclosure video — http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk — I had fun filming it. Also, check out the handouts + disclosure e-book: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

ArtIsTheSearch, thank you for sharing yourself here. I love your honesty and your vulnerability. Super strong of you to be open about all of this. And that's true strength in my book: To be strong enough to reach out for help. So yeah, love will have us do interesting things, huh? I know the feeling. I've been right there with you, bro. Remember how you felt about your ex (even though she had lied to you)? You still loved her; you saw past her herpes and saw your relationship. You saw deeper than a simple virus. Yes, unfortunately some people can't see past it. But it's all about you being okay with yourself. And maybe you don't want to be with those kind of judgmental people anyway. ;) It's important that you don't automatically assume rejection, though. That can start you down a negative path ... possibly even a path that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where you believe it so much that you make it happen. Assuming rejection casts a negative shadow over the "herpes talk." Click that link to read the article and watch the video. Let me know what you get out of it!

BetterInTime, I got news for you: Life is never simple. ;) And on some level, wouldn't it be so boring if it was? If it weren't herpes, it'd be something else. It's not about how simple we wish our lives could be (I've wished the same myself, trust me), it's who we are in the midst of what life hands us. That's the essence of character. Who are you when times get tough? And it sounds like your character is strong. You will get through this. Trust me. And you'll be stronger for it. This isn't about being negative saying "well, life is always going to be hard" ... it's about stepping up in the face of difficulty and holding your integrity strong. Don't doubt the power of being an honest person. Just because certain people haven't been able to appreciate solid honesty doesn't mean it's not still a beautiful quality. Also, how does it feel calling it a "disease"? (This may just be my negative association with the word.) Words are powerful. They create meaning for us. If you convince yourself that you're "diseased" it may carry a heavier meaning than what this really is. It's ultimately a skin condition. Check out the herpes wordplay article for more on that. And yes, the time machine would be helpful, wouldn't it? Aside from me winning the lottery, I might have let myself know to be careful during that one sexual experience. But then I reconsider: What good would that do ultimately? Our hand is dealt to us based on our choices. The more we own that, the more we grow and learn to love ourselves more deeply. That serenity prayer is so true: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Really getting this can save us a whole lot of time in our lives. I know it has for me. Here's another quote (I'm full of 'em this mornin'!) from Lee Iacocca: "We are continually faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."

I've said it before and I'll say it again ... ;) ... With tears streaming down my face, I so appreciate you and how you are appreciating yourself. The hardest part of the herpes healing process is when you are HARD on yourself, when you are JUDGING yourself, when you are your own worst enemy. However, when you are KIND and LOVING to yourself and see the process as a process instead of a brick wall standing in front of you, everything can change in an instant. You're demonstrating that. Thank you for being a role model for that kind of awareness. It's inspiring. I honor you. Here's to a renewed purpose for life. :)

Hi BetterInTime, First off, I'm so elated you're already reaching out to find ways to get a deeper understanding of the virus and ultimately of yourself. So, so happy about that. There's a lot of great things to find in yourself when you go searching like that. The part of your message that really jumped out at me was the "FORCED ME to acknowledge my self worth" ... That is beautiful to me. Because in order for you to really get that herpes isn't really a big deal, you need to really get all those great things about YOU that overshadow a silly little virus. I get curious about the being alone part. Are you saying that out of shame (as in "I'm dirty so I give up") or out of self-acceptance (as in "alone or not, I'm still the same awesome person.") Is being alone something that you're going to make a reality by believing it? Or are you willing to take the chance in believing that having herpes might actually not be the dealbreaker you believe it to be? And no, sex and relationships are NOT a thing of the past for you. Just how you go about them has changed. Which isn't good or bad, just different. And you'll learn a lot of cool things about yourself, your integrity, your big heart, and what you have to offer to your future guy by going through this process of self-acceptance.

Ah, I'm so glad you clarified, MamaTried! Thanks for throwing that in! (And for the record, I love healthy disagreements!) In my experience, herpes rejection is pretty low, so I guess we balance each other out! I'm so used to people with herpes EXPECTING rejection that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! It's amazing how it works: If I believe ahead of time that herpes is a dealbreaker, then lo and behold, all of my words, feelings and actions communicate that belief. There's this undercurrent of "I totally understand if you reject me. I totally would." It's super sneaky. Insidious. Granted, this doesn't necessarily mean that if I'm totally okay around herpes disclosure that the probability of acceptance will be 100%. But as clear as we can be on our end around disclosing authentically and without all that slimy baggage, the clearer the other person can be about making a decision that works for them.

FYI, I just finished a new e-book called "The Positive Guide to Herpes Disclosure" ... you can download it here! Let me know what you think!

Wow! I'm blown away, Daz! Thank you for taking the time to write this. Really has me feeling super good. So only a month and everything's hunky dory, huh? ;) Awesome! Good for you for recognizing all of that. It really goes to show how each person has a completely different herpes healing process, doesn't it? It's mostly based on where we are in our heads. When we're ready to "wake up" and realize it's not the herpes that has the power to bring us down; it's us. And if we have the power to bring ourselves down, we have the power to lift ourselves back up, too. Definitely great point about the whole victim mentality. When we can forgive ourselves and move into being empowered about our lives, that's when the burden of herpes can wash away. And that's when we can live life to its fullest. Hurrah for that! Come back as often as you'd like, Daz! We'd love to have you keep spreadin' that positivity around! :)

Hey SD74! Thanks for reaching out! Disclosure is huge. Definitely a common theme at our monthly support group. And what disclosure comes down to, in part, is how YOU feel about having herpes. Because how you feel about it will have a huge impact on how he feels about it. If you feel ashamed, scared, sad, he will feel that in you; if you feel self love, acceptance, honor, he will too. I always suggest disclosing in person if that feels right to you. Be strong in your vulnerability, integrity and authenticity. Treat disclosure as a special way to show that who you are is more important than what you have. Does any of this resonate with you? FYI there's another 6-week teleseminar coming soon if you'd like to join. I'd love to have you be a part! Check it out at http://herpesopportunity.com/herpes-seminar.php

Lisa, I don't think we can expect to never again take a few steps back in any place in our life. But as far as I see it, we can be more aware of those areas that we do step back and get curious about what we can learn from the setbacks ... then we can be intentional about why we're moving forward in the first place, why it's important, and who we are on a deeper level. After all (cliché alert!), we can't have happiness without knowing sadness, we can't know light without darkness and we can't know the beauty of taking steps forward without accepting that we'll occasionally take a few steps back.

This is a good reminder, KWAGAL. Herpes allows us to focus on the fact that we are whole and good just as we are. And there are plenty of people out there who will recognize that beyond herpes. Herpes can be an incredibly effective filter to focus our relationships on those who want a deeper relationship instead of purely physical.

This is AWESOME, cjane! I am grinning ear to ear over here and chills are all up and down my spine. Thank you for sharing this! This is a perfect example of how disclosure can be a connecting experience — you showed him your mature "I'm okay" self and he recognized that. You are attractive, cjane. Through and through. Thank you for your strength of integrity and inspiring me and many others, I'm sure. Enjoy your new, blossoming relationship! :)

DeeDee! First off, consider this an e-hug. ;) I'm SO happy to see you back ... It means a lot that you're reaching out and talking about this. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I walked around in a haze for months (everyone's "hazy timeframe" is unique — the herpes healing process looks different for everyone). There are stages to the grieving/healing process (as is shown in the Kubler-Ross model of grieving). Be kind to yourself through this process. Recognize that it is a process. Self-love and self-acceptance is huge. And you reaching out right here is proof that you are practicing both. Awesome. Talking all this stuff out is huge! Keep talking, keep feeling. Feeling means you're still in touch with yourself. And feeling — even if it's sadness and anger — is healthy, when felt in a safe way. Because feeling this side of your emotional spectrum will open the door to the great feelings of wholeness and happiness to come. Mark my words. ;) Thanks again for reaching out, DeeDee. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful. You have such a big heart ... I can feel it through your posts. Join us for an upcoming Herpes Opportunity tele-seminar. We'd love to have you.

I love that you shared this, MamaTried! (AND I love your sense of humor to boot! People of ill-repute can be fun! Ha!) The more we can get solid proof like this that herpes is an equal opportunity virus ;) the more this unfair stigma can be squelched. This is also a perfect example of how much denial plays into so many herpes diagnoses — even physicians can convince themselves that they don't have herpes if there are no outbreaks! But viral shedding is a reality. So many people assume if they don't have an outbreak, they don't have herpes. Nowadays with the IgG test, there's no excuse to not know definitively. But not getting tested is a convenient way to deny what's true. And it's people like this that give herpes a bad name. It's people like this physician, in denial, putting others at risk that add to the stigma of mistrust and ill-reputedness. Let's change this bad reputation through honesty and transparency in relationship.

Ah, MamaTried, (welcome to the forum, by the way!) as much as I respect your opinion, I respectfully completely disagree! ;) Going into a disclosure scenario with that assumption of rejection paints the feeling of the conversation in a negative light. A herpes disclosure doesn't have to be negative (unless you want it to be). What if disclosure could be a connecting experience instead of rejecting? What if disclosure is less about disclosing you have herpes and more about revealing the positive qualities of who you are (integrity, honesty, vulnerability)? I'm actually in the midst of writing up a short e-book on positive disclosure. Can't wait to put it out there so people can see the opportunity in a positive disclosure without shame! :)

My pleasure, cjane. I'm touched that you got something out of the video. And you seem like just the person who someone would love to get to know, herpes or not. It's amazing how big a deal we make such a simple virus, right? Keep us posted on how it goes! P.S. Thanks about the actor suggestion. Never considered it. Throw a gig my way and we'll see. I think I'd like being in an Acyclovir commercial. ;)

Hi HurtSexylady, Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you're getting down on yourself quite a bit, huh? Realize it's not YOU that he's rejecting. You did the right thing. Your integrity is strong. Really, herpes is a preference. To some, herpes is a dealbreaker while others take the chance because the reward of the relationship is greater than the simple risk of herpes. It's simply a preference. Just like to some people, dating a smoker is a dealbreaker. What I've found is that disclosure is really important. How you feel about living with herpes gets translated in how you disclose. It sounds like you hold a lot of shame and pain around having herpes. The secret to this whole thing is to LOVE yourself first! The more you can accept and love yourself, the more likely he will accept you ... the more likely he will see you for the beautiful (sexy) lady you are. (Small print: Strong disclosures won't always guarantee that everyone will take the change — nothing can guarantee that, with or without herpes — but it makes sure to not sway their opinion of it to be worse than it actually is.) If you haven't already, check out the post on the two parts to disclosing I have herpes ... and watch the youtube video on disclosure by clicking here. And also consider taking an upcoming herpes opportunity tele-seminar where we actually practice strong disclosures with integrity and honesty.

Hey Ann, thanks for sharing! :) I agree wholeheartedly about sex not needing to be the basis for a relationship, but I also think something deeper happens when we're okay with herpes and still unapologetically sexual (there might be the tendency to shame sex thanks to herpes, which just ain't right!). Bear with me here … I’m a very sexual person, so sex still has just as much importance to me as it ever has. ;) What has shifted most for me since my herpes diagnosis is seeing INTIMACY in a new way. Herpes forced me to consider both the difference between sex and intimacy and how they overlap. For example, sometimes during a herpes occurrence (or because of a suspicion of viral shedding), I would tell my girlfriend (who never got herpes) that we won’t be having sex (we would jokingly refer to it as my “man period”). But instead of this news being a buzzkill, it opened other avenues to intimacy. So no, an intimate relationship shouldn't be all about sex, but it should be all about intimacy. Don't let herpes taint the fact that sex and intimacy can still be as fun and innocent and raunchy and playful and connecting and deep and _____ (fill in the blank) as its ever been for you. Also, about your 1 in 10 comment, I get it. Those sorts of troll-enticing rejections can hurt on a deep level … I've had 'em, we all have. But check this out: it only hurts to the degree that we agree with the rejection. If we believe we’re damaged and dirty (or a troll), those ignorant people more easily convince us that we’re damaged and dirty (or a troll).[*] But that’s simply not the case, right? (I see you nodding your head, cool!) ;) And the sooner we get that, the less those ignorant people will affect our own view of ourselves. Easier said than done sometimes, but damn if it ain't the truth! Hopefully those ignorant people will become enlightened at some point. (By the way, I used to be one of those ignorant people before I got herpes, so I can't hate on them too much. They just have no reason so far to be educated about herpes.) ---------------------------------------- [*] For example, if someone were to walk up to your blonde-headed self and say “Hey, your purple hair is nasty,” it will have no effect on you whatsoever, because it simply doesn’t apply. (Sorry to all you purple-haired people out there. No offense meant.) Same with our own beliefs about herpes, right? What do you think?

Hey DeeDee. I totally feel you. I remember I felt the same way when I was first diagnosed. I thought I would be sad, disconnected, pissed off, alone forever. And now I realize that was my own necessary process to shake the fact that I'm not enough. In my opinion, the only way this will continue to be a struggle is if you hold onto the belief that it will be a struggle. You can change your belief and change your experience of it. I know it feels like it'll be a struggle forever right now because you're in the midst of it. But be open to it not being a struggle, too. And about your specific questions medical-wise I don't have the medical background to tell you exactly what to do in your specific case, but you can find doctors/clinicians out there who care. Also, there are other great trusted resources out there for you to get the information you need. Speaking of, here's a page that could be helpful to you, especially the "common herpes questions" section (check out the herpes hotlines): About: Herpes Facts.

See Mandee? Leslie is playing the "fear of rejection" representative for all of humankind. (Thank you for the show of hands, Leslie.) ;)