mr_hopp

Hi Brooke! Good to have you here. I haven't personally experienced the intense itching you're describing, so sorry I can't help with that specifically, and I'm a man, so we have different parts. ;) (Maybe a woman reading this has had a similar experience?) But about keeping your partner from getting herpes, first know that there's no 100% surefire protection, but with that said, you can minimize his chances of getting it greatly if you wear condoms and/or take suppressive therapy. I've read places that suppressive therapy lessens the chances of passing it by 50% and some sources say up to 90%! Talk to your doctor about what dose is right for you, but I take 400mg of Acyclovir 2x/day. And for everyone else reading this, the only other reason you'd take suppressive therapy aside from protecting your non-herpes partner in my opinion is if your outbreaks are so rampant that they're uncontrollable (especially when you first get herpes and your body is building up immunity to it). I always suggest that if you are single and get herpes, let your body first build up immunity, then allow yourself to have regular outbreaks; you might be surprised how few you end up having.

Yep, it's possible you will NEVER have an actual outbreak. I've heard of cases like that. For me personally, it took years before I had my first outbreak. And even if that happens, you'll still have viral shedding to keep in mind, so you're not totally in the clear. I say that not to make you paranoid, but to make sure you're aware of the facts of it. A lot of people assume "no outbreak" to "no way to spread herpes" and that's just not the case.

In the doctor's defense (and actually in society's eyes, too), it's not actually a big deal. HSV1 is the strain of herpes that prefers the oral region, so it causes what are commonly known as cold sores on the lips. 80% of Americans 14-49 have oral herpes, HSV-1. If you DON'T have HSV-1, you're in the extreme minority. And yes, you are at risk of your girlfriend spreading herpes to your genitals if she gets oral herpes (cold sores) — and you're at risk of spreading it to her genitals, too. (In fact, 50% of new genital herpes cases are caused from people with oral herpes going down on their partners. Little known fact, and a sign of our ignorant times.) To answer your numbered questions: 1) You're right about this. This is the interesting thing about getting a positive blood test without ever having an actual physical outbreak. The site of your viral shedding is unknown. Even without an actual physical outbreak, you can still shed the virus and pass it on. But it's said that 80-90% of people who have herpes don't know they have it, so in a way you're in the gray area between those people and someone who knows exactly what's up. Tell your girlfriend about it and that there's a chance you could spread it, but most likely she gave it to you anyway, so it's all a crapshoot when it comes to how to navigate this situation. 2) Yes, people confuse it with razorburn/acne all the time! Of course, an outbreak tends to start off as small bumps before it scabs over, but sometimes you won't notice that part and you'll only notice the scabs. That's why the denial of it can last for so long. But it is different if you pay attention. An outbreak, no matter how small, will have a tingly sensation associated with it. It will feel more tender. It is different. And it just takes paying attention. Also, if you notice something that you think might be an outbreak, you can go to the doctor immediately and get it swabbed and they'll know for sure. 3) It depends on the doctor or dermatologist. Since herpes isn't seen as a health risk, simply an annoyance, people in the health field don't pay much attention to it. It really isn't a big deal to them. They don't see the psychological ramifications of the stigma, only the very minor physical symptoms. I'd go to the health clinic where they're much more likely to see more cases of STDs vs. a regular doctor. 4) I don't know where you read that, but it's untrue. Herpes spreads skin-to-skin via breaks in the skin. For example, if you have an outbreak on your lip, scratch it, then scratch your genitals, you can transfer it from one part of the body to another. Yes, your body does produce antibodies against it, but that's not 100%. It's not that you have to become super paranoid about spreading it all over your body, but if you do end up having a physical outbreak, don't touch it. And if you do, wash your hands (soap kills herpes on contact). Does that help?

This is a great reminder, erin ... thank you. I totally agree that sometimes we can so get caught up in our own stuff that we fail to look around and notice all the things that are going oh-so well. And have compassion for ourselves about the stuff that we judge isn't going oh-so well. AND comparison can be a sharp double-edged sword: we can find plenty of reasons out there why we should be grateful for what we have because there's always someone who's got it worse AND we can find plenty of other people who (from our assumptions) seem like they've got it so much better. It's a sneaky thing. Use comparison with caution. ;) What it really comes down to is taking our lives as our own and being grateful for them how they are right now instead of beating ourselves up over how they *should* be. By all means, we can strive to become better people, have better lives, but not to beat ourselves up because they aren't different right now. And I'm loving that awesome, strong 8-year-old child. Much love goes out to your friend and her little son. I imagine their lives are full of plenty heartache and plenty of reason to be grateful, too. (And there can't possibly be anything worse than your cat puke in the bed. I'm convinced of that.) :)

I'm glad you're feeling brave. And I'm confused why you're asking us whether you should tell or not. Whose permission are you looking for here? I'm thinking you need to find permission in yourself. And it's not just permission on whether or not to disclose herpes. My take is it goes deeper than that for you specifically. It seems like you're needing permission to pursue what you feel you deserve to have in your life: love, connection, companionship. But where will you find that? On this forum or in yourself? I have my opinions and everyone reading this right now has theirs. But what are yours? I'm glad you're ready to take the chance. Remember to trust in yourself. Remember that you are not herpes. If they accept, they are accepting you and everything you are; if they reject, they are rejecting herpes, not you. Remember that. Good luck, EmmaLynn. You have a lot of support here. I'm proud of you.

Hey sen! I hear you. You're in the first phase of the herpes healing process. Here are a few a few posts on that: http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-self-acceptance-process/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages/ I totally get that you're overwhelmed right now. Know that it gets much, much better. Herpes really is only a minor skin condition (that just so happens to be wrapped up in a whole lot of stigma). If we can love ourselves regardless of what the stigma might tell us, then we can get past it and live our lives. Because when it really comes down to it, herpes really isn't a big deal. Here's a great podcast where Dan Savage says just that (proof positive!) ;) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-not-a-big-deal-dan-savage-love/ My personal experience as a man with herpes was to let the outbreaks run their course for the first few and to only take the medication episodically to minimize the intensity of the outbreak. After the first few outbreaks, as my body built up immunity, the rest were so minimal that I wouldn't even need to do episodic (now I'm on suppressive now only to protect my girlfriend from getting herpes). If you're wanting support, there are quite a few options here: 1) I can put you together with a (h) buddy, someone else who's going through exactly what you're going through so you two can talk and support each other. Just shoot me a message and I can link you up. 2) Find a local support group that you can attend in-person. Here's a link to that: http://www.ashastd.org/std-sti/Herpes/support-groups.html 3) Join us for our next virtual over-the-phone support group. Here are links for that, depending on what you would like to donate: http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=VIP75 (75% off) http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=HFORUM (50% off) http://thehopp.eventbrite.com (full price) 4) I'm available for one-on-one coaching. It's not just about (h) … it's about who you are. Here's information on that: http://herpeslifecoach.com

Yes, perfect. Acyclovir is right on. I am taking 400mg 2x/day to keep my girlfriend herpes-free. It's been working for the past few years! Glad to hear your wife is doing the same.

You're welcome. And the whole 10-years-into-marriage-first-outbreak thing ... Don't think of it as an "incubation period" ... it's actually quite possible she got the virus and just never got an outbreak even though she was having asymptomatic viral shedding. No outbreak doesn't mean the virus is still incubating; it just means the person is a silent carrier. If it will help ease your mind to know whether you have it or not, I'd suggest you go get an IgG test. You have to ask for it specifically (it's not included in regular STD testing). It will give you a definitive answer and if you have it, will tell you which strain you have, HSV1 or HSV2. Then at least if you DON'T have it, then your wife can get on suppressive therapy to lessen the chances of you getting it. If you DO have it, then all is good; you can continue as you are ...

Hey printforfood, Welcome to the forums, bro. Short answer: You'll never know who gave it to who. It's a normal reaction to try to go to the root of it to see who might have given it to who. But you could go back and forth on this until your head spins and there will never be a definitive answer. From what I understand, the IgG blood test for herpes can give you a semi-accurate timeline of when you were first exposed, but that's only for when you were exposed recently. So with that part out of the way, to answer your questions specifically: 1. Could you be asymptomatic and passed it to her? Yes. Asymptomatic viral shedding happens 5-10% of the time without any visible signs or symptoms. Even though nothing is there visibly, it might as well be an outbreak in full bloom because it's just as easy to pass along during these times. The unfortunate part is you never know when this 5-10% is happening. If you still don't have it (find out with a blood test called IgG to be sure), then you can have her take suppressive therapy to lessen the viral shedding/outbreaks and therefore lessen the chance of passing it. 2. Could she have gotten herpes years ago and only have an outbreak 5 years ago? Yes, definitely. For example, I had an initial outbreak (at that time I didn't know that it was a herpes outbreak) and then didn't have my next outbreak until many years later. I was convinced I didn't have herpes (the IgG test wasn't available then). But even in those intervening years I was having asymptomatic viral shedding and had no idea. There are many cases like this where people get exposed to herpes and NEVER have an outbreak.

Hey! Don't have much time to give a full response, but check out the free e-book on disclosure here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

From what I've heard, if you're past the 90-day mark past original exposure date (which you clearly are), and you get the IgG test, that will give you the most accurate results. Based on how I understand what you're saying, it sounds like you actually don't have herpes after all! I'd definitely go back and tell all of this to your doctor to see what they say. But if it is true, I gotta say ... congratulations! :)

Wow, that is perplexing! IgG is the most accurate blood test out there for herpes from what I've heard. It measures the amount of antibodies in your blood stream to determine what herpes type(s) you have. Normally if you are exposed to herpes and get tested within 90 days of exposure, it could come out negative because the antibodies haven't built up enough to show as positive. But if it's been a year since your herpes exposure, that wouldn't apply to you. Did you originally get an IgG test back in June 2011 that came out positive or was it just based on visual inspection?

I have a huge smile on my face right now. HUGE. SO happy for you! I'm glad you're seeing that you deserve love and awesomeness in your life. You do deserve all that. I'm glad he's seeing everything you have to offer instead of just seeing herpes. Says a lot about him, too. Sounds like a good match from my perspective. ;) And remember that regardless of what happens in this relationship that you will always deserve to be happy, to be loved. This is a good reminder of that. Sometimes it takes someone else loving us despite having herpes to prove to us that we deserved that the whole time. Much love, jubejube! Enjoy the blossoming of this relationship! Congrats!

Eriiiiiin! Great to have you back, girl! Congrats on what seems to be a pretty frickin' awesome relationship. Glad to hear you're enjoying it for what it is. Sounds fun/sexy/deep/awesome. You deserve it. :) I'd give you a longer response, but it's getting late and I'm super tired. :) So much love! Big hugs! Say what up to your man for me, will ya? He's a lucky one. (He better know that!)

Wow laurap ... this post both warms my heart and has me feeling super excited about what's possible in your life when you feel like you're not alone. Because you AREN'T. Even through the down days, it's important to still take care of yourself. Sounds like you're doing that. And I'm glad you feel accepted here ... and dare I say loved? ;) I admire you in who you are and how you have shared yourself in this forum. I'm glad you are really getting how herpes doesn't define who you are. Much love, laurap!

Yes, chicken pox is a member of the herpes family! That is a little-known fact. BUT it doesn't mean that if you've had chicken pox that you have herpes as we know it. Don't get that confused. Chicken pox isn't the same thing. Having chicken pox won't mean that you'll have herpes outbreaks. Different members of the same family. And mononucleosis (also known as the "kissing disease") is in that family, too. Here's an article about that: http://www.livestrong.com/article/12440-mononucleosis/ So here's the kicker that shows how whacked out our culture is about this stuff: Neither mono nor chicken pox has ANY sort of stigma. This just further reinforces the fascinating double standard that cold sores/chicken pox/mono are no big deal, yet genital herpes is somehow a huge deal ... They're all very closely related viruses, but because you get one from sex, that one magically becomes the most stigmatized. Here's a few posts on this: http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/the-stigma-of-herpes-can-be-worse-than-the-virus-itself/ http://herpeslife.com/society%E2%80%99s-opinion-on-herpes/ And yes, cold sores can be spread only from skin-to-skin contact. This is a major reason why oral herpes (HSV1) is so prevalant (80% of Americans have cold sores/oral herpes!). People who don't realize that herpes can spread by skin-to-skin contact spread it without knowing it. I've heard many, many cases where grandparents or aunts and uncles kiss their grandkid/neices/nephew babies when they have a cold sore and pass it on that way.

(I say this with all the love and compassion in the world for you, by the way) Stop beating yourself up about this totally bullshit story that no one will ever sleep with you again. I hear that you want to go back to a way your life was before. Yes, things have changed. Who are you going to be in the face of these changes? Your choice. You may be completely surprised to find out that once you get over this being a potential life-ruiner for you, then it will cease to be a life-ruiner. Fascinating how that works. A bit of tough love: Stop it. Stop talking about this as if it's the truth. It's not fair to yourself to believe that. It'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you let it. Yes, it takes more of you to be vulnerable and disclose that you have herpes. Yes, that might be more difficult than not having herpes. But you have herpes. Done. That is the truth. Now what are you going to do about it? Be celibate? Be sexual? Your choice. But don't cut yourself off from possibility if you're wanting something you think you can't have. Stop. Breathe. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Move on. Sometimes it really can be that easy. I promise.

Hey EmmaLynn, Unfortunately there is a lot of conflicting information out there about herpes. Here are some great resources to clear it up: http://herpeslife.com/resources/ Let me break it down for you: - Yes, the only way to not pass on herpes is to not have sex. (Hold on, stop hyperventilating.) There's simply not going to be a 0% chance of passing this on. Why? 1. Location (where your outbreak happens might not be covered by a condom) and 2. viral shedding (about 10% of the time the virus is shedding without any visible signs or symptoms). - That said, with every layer of protection you have (condoms, suppressive therapy), that lessens the chance of passing herpes on substantially. - The question becomes at this point, even if it were possible to lessen the chance of passing herpes on by 99%, if you did end up passing it on in that window of 1% without them knowing, how would you feel about that? And that's not meant to be a rhetorical question; I don't pose as the arbiter of what's right and wrong, or the angel of truth and integrity. ;) I know people who have herpes who don't feel the need to tell unless the person specifically brings up STDs before having sex. But I know (speaking for myself) that I would feel guilty about that. I would feel like I did the same thing that my ex did to me by not letting me know. I'm very clear that I'm going to change that tide and put integrity back in the game. But it all comes down to your own personal definition of integrity. And there's the almost unasked question of what THEY have that YOU'RE putting yourself at risk for getting by not asking them. If you're not having the sex talk before having sex, then BOTH partners are each putting each other at risk.

"He, unfortunately, is much more fatalistic about it." That sucks that he's so negative about it. Although that doesn't dictate how you should see it for yourself, mind you. You get to determine that for yourself (and I get that's what you're doing in this post right here, right now). You know how it's not really about the thing but about how someone reacts to that thing? Perfect example: You know, I've actually seen real, actual human beings beat the SHIT out of their steering wheel and dashboard, screaming at the top of their lungs while they're stuck in traffic. They're yelling at everyone else who is stuck in traffic along with them. They're yelling at this horrible fate they now find themselves in ... But it's not traffic that's making this lovely person angry. It's how that person is deciding to SEE the traffic. From this person's perspective, the traffic ITSELF seems to be bent on seeing him suffer ... but that's not really the case, is it? Traffic is just traffic. But this guy sees it as a war to be fought. The guy chose to get in his car and drive. Some people see life that way. Whether it be traffic or herpes or anything else that falls across their path. You get to decide.

For any specific medication questions, you'll need to consult your doctor for the ultimate answer for you. I take 400mg of Acyclovir twice a day. That's my dose for suppressive therapy to keep my viral shedding down. When I have an outbreak, I try to catch it as close to the beginning as possible. Once the outbreak is in full bloom, I've found the meds don't do much to speed the healing phase. Just keeping it dry and clean will do all I need. But if I start taking a large dose (double the suppressive dose) right when I feel the tingles coming on, it lessens the intensity of the outbreak right off the bat.

64th ... thank you for venting here! Hearing you on these boards actually has me feeling relieved. Through all the pain, I can hear the self-care in your writing. I want to hug you. I want to tell you it will be better. And I understand how it is right now for you. In this moment. It feels like being disempowered, angry ... and I convinced myself of the same thing: I totally deserve herpes. I judged the shit out of myself. I'm dirty, irresponsible, stupid. Check. Check. And check. And I'm really curious ... do you really feel that way about yourself deep down? Or is that just that shaming voice that we all have camping out in the background of our skulls? (Gotta love that voice.) ;) Much love, 64th. I'm glad you're here. And we're here for you. To vent. To celebrate. And everything in between. Take care of yourself through this process.

Ah, great recommendation, rosie8! There is also Faster EFT that my friend swears by. I haven't used it personally, but I totally trust his judgment. Here's the website for that: http://www.fastereft.com

Hey bro! Aloha! That's a great question! First thing is to consult a health professional for the definitive word on this. Have you asked your doctor or someone at the health clinic? Now that I got that out of the way, here are my answers for you: - Should you take suppressive therapy? Yes, definitely. If she doesn't have the herpes virus in her system, then it couldn't hurt to minimize the viral shedding to protect your partner. I've read that on average, taking suppressive therapy will minimize shedding by 50-90%. Can't beat those numbers. But yes, she should get an IgG blood test to make sure that she doesn't have the herpes virus in her system. If she already has it, then there's no reason to protect (if you're sure that you two don't have other things you can pass to each other, like HPV or HIV, for example) - Should you wear condoms? The location of the outbreaks from what I understand are going to be the areas where viral shedding is most likely to occur, too, but I'm not positive on that. Herpes research is way behind most other research, so most of the science behind it is through clinical experience (not mine, mind you, but others in the field); the ultimate answer for this is how much risk is your girlfriend willing to take on? Is it worth it to her to have unprotected sex if it feels better but risk more in getting it? Taking the suppressive therapy will help lessen those odds immensely ... - Diet changes? Overall, just eat healthier! Stay away from foods that contain arginine and eat more foods that contain lysine ... these are amino acids that are against/for the herpes virus, respectively. But ultimately it's taking care of yourself: both your body and mind. Exercise. Eat healthy. Think healthy. Take care of yourself. And here is another post to refer to: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/51/natural-treatment-for-herpes Good luck! Let us know how else we can help! Aloha!

Everyone is different how their body reacts to HSV. It took years for me to have a first outbreak. And for many people, they have it in their body but NEVER have an actual visible outbreak. But to answer your question, yes you can still transmit herpes when you're not having an outbreak! It's called asymptomatic viral shedding; it happens about 5-10% of the time. Your body sheds the virus silently and it's just as likely to pass it during these times as an active outbreak. If your doc said you were exposed to it but don't have it, that is confusing. Did you get an IgG test? That's a blood test where you will get a definitive answer whether you have the actual virus in your body or not. It measures the antibodies in your blood. It will tell you whether you have HSV-1 or HSV-2 or both or none. This test doesn't come with regular STD testing, so you have to ask for it specifically. Good luck, laurap!

Diversity ... first off, you write BEAUTIFULLY. (I always appreciate a good writer. It's the journalism major in me.) ;) And I can totally relate to thinking "I'll never get over this disease called herpes. Since I feel like shit now, I'm going to feel like shit for life. Because herpes is for life." It kind of makes sense if you put it that way ... but this can lead us down a very unfortunate road ... a road where we believe that our relationship to ANYTHING in our lives stays absolutely consistent. Having herpes for life doesn't mean that this crappy relationship you have with herpes will be for life, too. We learn, we grow, we realize that beliefs can be changed. And most of the foulness herpes can bring in our lives is just that: foul beliefs. Beliefs that we actually ARE damaged goods, that no one will want damaged goods. That's a downward spiral that can create a pretty convincing self-fulfilling prophecy. So know that your relationship to herpes will change. Even though it is for life, you won't feel like this for life. Analogy time! (Yes, because I'm just that nerdy.) You know how that "new car" high (or new anything) has this amazing buzz to it for the first few months you have it ... then what happens? It dissipates. It changes. This sort of thing goes both ways. We get used to things. We get herpes and it's so shitty. It's shitty for a while. Then it changes. We get used to it. We shift our beliefs around what it means for us as people and as sexual creatures. Life (and beliefs about life) is dynamic. Ever-changing. Let it be that way instead of expecting the same, especially when the same feels shitty. Thank you for sharing yourself here, Diversity. I have a new respect for you and who you are. I really felt good reading your part on how much you love yourself. That came through loud and clear. A healthy, solid self-love. And that is quite a beautiful foundation to work from. Keep on rockin' it sista ... We're here for you.