mr_hopp

I hear you're feeling conflicted. Trapped. Thanks for sharing where you are with this. It sounds like it's not something you'll want to rush anyway, and that's probably a good thing regardless. I'm not the kind of person who would tell someone I have herpes right off the bat before I know them and they know me. I want to feel like I can trust this person before sharing something vulnerable with them. Actually, from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like this is the perfect opportunity to develop an actual friendship with this new guy and let your relationship naturally grow instead of rushing into something physical and feeling the pressure to disclose early. One thing that herpes does well is to slow down relationships. And if you're not used to taking things slow (which I certainly wasn't at first), that might feel like handcuffs; but I'm convinced now that slowing down relationships is a beautiful thing. It allows us to get to know one another on a deeper level. Then sharing intimacy has so much more depth to it. How does that land for you, inspired32?

I love how you reached out to help, DyingInside. Warms my heart. (Yes, in a total ooey-gooey way.) Sounds like you're ready to start living. (Should you change your name to LivingInside?) ;)

First off, both of you EmmaLynn & DyingInside are so mature for your ages. So aware of yourselves and how you think. I don't think I got there until I was about 30. ;) And I feel your pain, EmmaLynn. (All of your bottled-up ranting is totally welcome here! It's healthy to get it all out and see it on the page, isn't it?) It sounds like herpes has been like a jail cell for you, where you can't get past it to get into a relationship with someone who will love you for you. AND I hear that you're ready to let yourself out of that jail cell, that you know that you deserve an amazing man in your life, that you deserve to be happy. I hear that you're aware that there's a part of you that is trying to scare men off so you won't have to tell them about your secret. And that's okay. That part of you just wants to protect yourself, to keep you safe. And you get to decide if you want to keep pushing men away to feel safe. Simply noticing these things is HUGE. It's part of the process of self-understanding. You can only have choice about things that you are aware of. Even if you aren't where you want to be right now, you seem like you are being fair to yourself through this process. Thank you for showing all of us how to allow yourself to be angry while still being fair to yourself. In addition to your self-care I also do hear some self-shaming and beating yourself up (which I see a whole lot with people going through not just herpes, but life). I notice myself doing that all the time! It's interesting that a part of us thinks that if we beat ourselves up enough that we'll feel better or learn our lesson for the next time around. But this simply isn't true. Feel free to read my post on herpes shame on the blog. In short, this is a process. And even through all of it's ups and downs, it's a process toward healing and growing ... I'm so proud of you for reaching out here.

I can link both of you up with an (h) buddy if you need someone else who has been living with herpes to talk with. Your decision whether you're more comfortable talking with a guy or girl. Just shoot me a private message if you're interested in that!

It was nice to talk with you on the phone yesterday ... and glad to hear you're back today. Much love to you.

Hey domesticatrix ... Thank you for your openness and sharing all the details. (I personally appreciate the "gory deets" so we can understand what's going on for you.) I could only imagine how this must be. The beauty of sex and pleasure interrupted by pain ... I'm sorry that you're going through this. Just by the sound of your post, you seem like an awesome and fun person. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and continue your positive outlook. I've heard about people experiencing pain in their nerves as prodromes, but haven't heard of it post-orgasm like what you're describing. Maybe it's post herpetic neuralgia? (Note: I'm NOT a doctor, so take this with a grain of salt) ... Does that description fit for you? It talks about it being specifically brought on by herpes zoster (chicken pox) and in the later years, but it may have some connection since chicken pox and genital herpes are related. I assume you've talked with someone in the medical field about this? If so, what did they say?

DyingInside ... I'm SO glad you reached out. Especially if you're contemplating suicide. PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. If you need someone to talk to now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. There's immediate help there. And for herpes-related support, you have all the help you need right here! It may feel like you're the only person going through this and no one understands your pain, but we all do. We understand you and we hear you. Big, big hug. We have a great community of people who love to help. Know that you're going to be okay. Just love yourself through your process of healing. Don't beat yourself up any more about this. I know I had that tendency for a LONG time. But it didn't help. It just hurt me more. Be fair to yourself and you'll move past this into more self-love and compassion. We're here for you. Please post something on the boards so we can support you however you need, okay? Oh, and don't put an end to yourself. You can put an end to your misery, but don't put an end to yourself. That would be such a waste to put an end to a perfectly beautiful, decent, feeling, loving person ... Isn't that what you are? Doesn't the same person who is reaching out now know there is something reaching out for? You deserve to be here. You deserve to be loved. Never forget that. Even though it feels like a part of you is dying inside, there is a big piece of you that is living ... and striving to live bigger than you are now. Trust that part. Those negative voices will always be there, but it's your choice whether you choose to listen to them or not. What part of you are you choosing to listen to? We're all here for you if you need to tell a few of those voices to go find something better to do. :)

I don't have direct experience with this kind of a herpes outbreak cycle, but I have heard many different experiences in many different ways. Each person's cycle seems to be different in its own way, especially in the first year as your body is getting used to this new virus and building anti-bodies. In addition to taking the daily suppressive meds, take care of your body. Be healthy, go to the gym, do cardio, sweat. That in my book is more important than any meds. And not only physical health, but mental health as well: Be fair to yourself. This doesn't mean being unnaturally cheerful or fake positive ... this means owning what you're feeling ... then allowing yourself to feel it in a non-judgmental, non-shaming way. Notice when you numb out and be aware of where you are in your process and what you need. We tend to beat ourselves up so much about having this silly little virus. But why? That's only perpetuating the pain we're feeling. This is a test. It's only a test. ;) A test to how much we can care about ourselves and realize that what we have is less important than who we are.

2 things jump out to me here: #1. You are such an amazing friend ... to reach out to us with your heart breaking and want to help in the midst of feeling helpless. Of the little I know about you so far, I see you are so giving and heartfelt. #2. Everyone's process is different ... maybe her anger and bitterness is what she needs now in her own process. And from all the cases I've heard about people going through a low time — no matter how long that time lasts — is the thing they appreciated most were those close relationships that stuck with them and continued loving them and offering loving support even during the times where it seemed they couldn't let it in. Sticking with your friend, loving her through this without even hopes of her coming out of it is the most healing and supportive thing you can do. And ironically, that's probably the best way for her to naturally come out of her deep, dark place and back into the light. Keep loving her. No judgment, no shame. Just love. She'll come around.

Welcome yankees1234! First off, yes, you're totally correct. There is virtually NO stigma for oral herpes, interestingly enough. The stigma happens to be of the "below the belt" variety. Both are different strains of the same exact virus … So this is the crux of quite an interesting discussion about disclosure: 80% of Americans 14-49 have HSV-1 oral herpes; 16% of Americans 14-49 have HSV-2 genital herpes. (Interestingly enough, out of all the new genital herpes cases, 50% of them are caused from passing HSV-1 from lips to genitals via oral sex.) So, the question then becomes: Who is responsible for telling/asking? The person who has it, or the person who doesn't? I get that if you are in the minority of Americans who have genital herpes, the responsibility for telling potential sexual partners would fall in your lap (innuendo intended). But on the other hand, if the overwhelming majority of Americans have oral herpes, then mathematically speaking, the chances of anyone you happen to be swappin' spit with having it is SUPER high. Wouldn't it mean on this side of the coin that the responsibility falls on the minority of people who DON'T have oral herpes to ask anyone they kiss if they do have it? Here's a semi-weak metaphor to (hopefully) drive the point home: If there's an 80% chance your car will get dented if you park on the mean streets of NY, will you be surprised when your paint job is a bit chipped? You parked your damn car in NY! You knew what you were getting into! ;) Responsibility lies in both camps to protect one another, and it's ultimately what you feel comfortable with. But my suggestion? No need to disclose asymptomatic oral herpes. Everyone and their momma's got it. It's a virus of the masses. And for those few people who don't have oral herpes yet, they will probably get it soon (again, mathematically speaking); if they want to keep their car's paint job serene, they should keep that sucka parked in the garage. ;) But hey, this is just my humble opinion out there in the ether ... what does everyone else think?

From what I know about herpes, the first few outbreaks are always the worst, but if you have a good immune system, then successive outbreaks get less and less severe with time as your body develops more and more antibodies to defend against the virus. And yes, type 1 genital herpes doesn't prefer to be on the genitals (type 1 prefers oral, type 2 prefers genitals), but that doesn't mean you'll only have a few outbreaks and then it'll stop forever. For some people that's true, for others their type 1 genital herpes outbreaks are just as common and severe as they would be if they had a type 2 genital herpes. Just be kind to yourself through this process, be healthy and you will get better. Perfect excuse to take care of yourself, eat healthy and not stress out! Much love, Cheche. We're here for you as you go through your process of healing.

Hey MileyK, first off, that's insane that your doc won't prescribe you medication. You're right about asymptomatic shedding. Taking suppressive therapy cuts down on that tremendously. I'd go to a different doctor ... one that's more knowledgeable about the basics of this sort of thing. Second, please don't fall into the trap of feeling like no one is going to want you. And yes, 48% of black women 14-49 years old has HSV2. You're nearly in the majority! It's an easy trap to fall into, feeling like no one will want you, but that could easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy by you making that true. There are plenty of people out there where a herpes diagnosis doesn't phase them (my girlfriend, for one), and by assuming no one will want you, you're essentially pre-rejecting yourself from all those guys out there who'd love to be with you. Hang in there. I know it can be rough at the beginning (trust me, I've been there), but eventually you'll realize that it's not the big deal that we hear that it is. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

Hey MileyK, first off, that's insane that your doc won't prescribe you medication. You're right about asymptomatic shedding. Taking suppressive therapy cuts down on that tremendously. I'd go to a different doctor ... one that's more knowledgeable about the basics of this sort of thing. Second, please don't fall into the trap of feeling like no one is going to want you. And yes, 48% of black women 14-49 years old has HSV2. You're nearly in the majority! ;) It's an easy trap to fall into, feeling like no one will want you, but that could easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy by you making that true. There are plenty of people out there where a herpes diagnosis doesn't phase them (my girlfriend, for one), and by assuming no one will want you, you're essentially pre-rejecting yourself from all those guys out there who'd love to be with you. Hang in there. I know it's rough at the beginning, but eventually you'll realize that it's not the big deal that we hear that it is. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

Hey abby83! I was just talking with a friend just a few days ago about this exact thing. He's currently having sex with multiple women (ah, the bachelor life!). One of them has disclosed to him that she has herpes (which, by the way, has had him seriously considering going into a full-blown relationship with her because he feels he can trust her that much more). He's been as protected as he can be, but since there's no such thing as protection at 100%, he's in a bit of a conundrum … I've been schooling him on the ins and outs of our beloved virus, and we started talking about this disclosure vs. no disclosure, but in a different way: His position is different since he doesn't have herpes, but since he's actively having sex with a woman with herpes and with other women without, does he disclose the potential of him getting it and passing it on? Viral shedding occurs 5-10% of the time between actual herpes outbreaks, they wear condoms, so the chances of him getting it and passing it along are small. This is a whole new layer on the expectation of disclosure. Shouldn't we assume that people know about the inherent risks (yes, coupled with the inherent awesomeness) of having casual sex? Is it fully on our shoulders to shed light on something that everyone should know about already and take into consideration? As the herpes-havers do we carry the full moral weight of disclosure? If our potential partners don't ask, is it a situation of "don't ask, don't tell"? I think the expectation of "the sex talk" is 50/50; there's just as much expectation on one partner to tell as there is on the other partner to ask. As you said, abby83, everyone who has sex — especially in today's virus-laden times — should at least assume everyone has (or has had) at least SOMETHING ("HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives." — from the CDC HPV fact sheet.) That's simply the safe, smart, self-respecting thing to do. To not assume that and take necessary precautions to protect yourself and to be proactive in asking partners about their sexual past and status is avoidance and totally naïve. So, here are a few things that pop up for me (what do you think?): 1) How will you feel after that one night of not disclosing? If you're good with yourself after the fact, if the person doesn't ask and you don't tell, if you took all the necessary precautions (condom, suppressive therapy) and are still intact with your integrity, then you're good. (And by the way, you're taking just as big a risk on not asking them what they have. At least getting herpes has proven that we're not invincible.) Unfortunately, there's no absolute moral code that Congress passed that will tell you that you're wrong one way or the other. What's really important is how you feel about yourself afterwards. If you worry and beat yourself up for months afterwards for putting someone at risk, then it's not worth it. If you're good, then you're good. 2) What if what started off as a planned one-nighter turns into a second and third night and into an actual relationship? (Crazier things have happened.) Then eventually disclosure would have to happen, which would really put a damper on the foundational trust that's important to any long-term relationship.

This is beautiful. I love the way you write and the straightforward raw language you use. Thank you for sharing! Glad you're here!

I'm glad you brought this up, domesticatrix! I love everything you said. I agree there's an opportunity to disclose to whoever it is, whether it be casual or long-term. However you cut it, sex is intimate! It's damn vulnerable! Literally! And disclosing is being vulnerable in a different way. Still an opportunity to be that real, authentic and giving a shit kind of person you are. And we get to be that way with everyone we are intimate with, whether it be for the rest of your life or one night. And inspired32, I get that difficult back-and-forth tennis match going on in your head. Been there. God, have I been there! And I've had situations when I first got diagnosed where I didn't disclose. I tried to convince myself that it was okay and I was being super careful. I was so scared about being rejected that I couldn't ever imagine even bringing it up. But after the fact I always felt bad, less than. Irony alert: I had the sex in order to feel better about myself, to feel like I was "normal" again, but then afterwards I felt hollow. No connection … both to myself and the person I just had sex with. It was hard. And after disclosing, I've always either felt closer to the person I just told and/or more connected to myself. I'm certainly not telling you what you should or shouldn't do, but I'm just sharing my experiences from both sides of the tracks: when I did disclose and when I didn't … and disclosing always won out for me. Download the disclosure e-book + handouts here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Thanks for reaching out, Atraju! I love it that Lelani and Elle jumped in with such specific feedback. Very good to have such supportive women on this site who have been through the healing process. AND keep in mind that as time goes on, your body is getting better and better at building up immunity to the herpes virus (so great excuse to get and stay physically healthy!). At the beginning, it may feel like you'll be having these crazy herpes outbreaks every other day for the rest of your life, but after having herpes for six months to a year, the vast majority of cases settle down to be only a few outbreaks per year (and the severity tends to calm down, too). Hang in there and take care of yourself. Sounds like you're doing a good job of that already. Group hug! We're here for you.

"To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it — and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often." Found this on a great blog post.

Hey girl! Good to have you back. And thank you for your appreciation. I can already feel you softening to be more compassionate to yourself in your process. That feels good to hear … And I'm sorry if it feels like things are piling up on you now. Yet another great reason to take care of yourself and your body (shell or not!). ;) Your post also reminds me of something that I try to live as much as possible: Bad shit is always going to happen to us, but it's not what happens to us that defines us; what defines us is how we decide to react to the bad shit. Each moment is a new opportunity. That is our character. (I needed that reminder myself … I fall off the wagon a-plenty, but am determined to keep getting back on that damn rickety-ass thing …) I actually heard something just tonight that really rang true to me: Life will always contain pain, which is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Suffering is feeling pain and believing we can't do anything about it — that it will never pass. Be gentle to yourself in the bad times and humble in the good times. You'll make it through this. You have us and it sounds like you have a good fiancé. Take care of yourself, FML.

Ah the pre-date nerves are always fascinating to notice. Sounds exciting! Funniest part: "Will I know how to do it?" I laughed out loud. Once you learn how to ride a bike ... ;) Work it, girl!

Hey Bree, First off, thanks for reaching out and asking questions! Amazing how much horribly wrong herpes information there is out there! For your first question, Lelani certainly has that handled. Great, solid, practical treatment info there (thanks Lelani!). In addition to what she said about increasing your Lysine intake, try to stay away from Arginine, too (Lysine and Arginine are amino acids that cancel each other out; Lysine = good ... Arginine = bad). For your second question, I'm BLOWN AWAY that a doctor would say that so definitively. It's actually scary that the medical profession can be so out of touch about how such a common virus can be transmitted. Nothing is ever 100% when it comes to protecting a partner from herpes except staying away from sex (and who wants to do that?). ;) I've heard the same statistic as Lelani: Suppressive therapy decreases the possibility of passing herpes by at LEAST 50% (I've read in other trusted sources upwards of 94%!). I take 400mg of Acyclovir twice daily to protect my herpes-free girlfriend (but check with your doc about your dosing specifics). And yes, you would only take suppressive therapy if your partner is indeed herpes free. If he doesn't have genital herpes, then even when you aren't having an active outbreak you could be shedding the virus around 10% of the time. It's called asymptomatic viral shedding. Suppressive therapy decreases the viral load in your body across the board, which would decrease your likelihood for outbreaks and decrease viral shedding, too, which will protect your partner that much more (but never 100% protection). Sounds like you have a great relationship. That's beautiful. I'm so happy for you! :) Please let us know if we can help you with anything else!

Lelani! Hey you! It's interesting, I feel more excitement in your post than fear ... which is great! Especially how you ended it with you feeling like it's your first time! (You virgin, you!) :) I also feel so much compassion in what you write: You want to make sure he's as safe as can be and that you have a fun, connected time together. I love it. AND you get to go as slow as you'd like. It's amazing how if we shift our perspective with herpes, then our perspective on sex might just shift in a positive direction as well. What I mean by that is along the lines of what MplsMan referred to: Herpes is a way to slow you down, to renegotiate your relationship to intimacy ... Sex is so fast these days, so wham-bam! ... it's almost like we've forgotten how to go sloooow, how to touch, how to appreciate the simple things ... I love that you mentioned massage in your post ... how often do people do that anymore with the rush toward the sex itself? Since when has the "I want to take this slow" gotten such a negative connotation? Good things come to those who go slow (or something like that). ;) Herpes doesn't have to be a wall that blocks us from intimacy. Herpes can be something that causes us to look at intimacy in a new way. When wearing a blindfold in the bedroom do we think "Oh no! I can't see! This sucks!" or do we get excited because our other senses are more fully engaged? ;) I'm happy for you, Lelani! And I love that you and this "gorgeous lover" from your past have such a cool connection on both a physical and communicative level! Enjoy it ALL!

I love how this story shows some key ingredients to being good with yourself with disclosure. And really, it has little to do with how the other person takes the disclosure. Even if you disclose "perfectly" — you're as cool, calm and collected as your average cucumber — the other person may hold the most horrific judgments and stigma about what this herpes thing is. So it's ultimately about how you are with yourself and following your intuition on when the "right time" is to disclose. Yes, you are not your herpes; you are an amazing person who happens to be carrying this annoying little virus — "acne genitalis" as I like to call it. ;) I also LOVE what you said about how you felt about yourself and the relationship after disclosing ... I like to see that as what it feels like to live in alignment with your core values, especially your integrity. It feels good to live your life like that. Not just saying you have integrity, but DOING integrity. Practicing what you preach. Being the person you know yourself to be. That's powerful and it just plain feels good. And other people who live their lives like that recognize it that much more deeply, too. Like attracts like. Thank you for sharing your story, deeevine! (I gave you 3 e's because you're just that special!)

Ty ... brother ... What can I say, other than YES! It reminds me that true character can be seen when you are presented with something difficult and what you choose to do. It's our relationship to our difficulties in life that shows who we are on a deeper level. I know people who have let bouts with cancer or the death of a loved one or losing their children in a nasty divorce mean that they have shone brighter in the face of those things. They take struggles in life as opportunities to sharpen their blade of who they already know themselves to be. The things in your life don't define you; who you are in the face of those things define you. And you underline all of that beautifully in what you have said, Ty. I'm glad you're a part of this community. You're always welcome. Can you make it to our next (h) group to bring your powerful perspective? Here are the details: http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=HFORUM

First off, THANK YOU Fml for being uncensored and authentic with where you are. I'm glad you posted here. Don't apologize for any of it. I am glad that you aren't holding back. I remember that anger. I remember it well. I felt it for YEARS. I remember that F**K IT ALL feeling. (And yes, F**K HAPPY PEOPLE, TOO!) And like lelani said, that anger and "why me" still comes up every once in a while for all of us. I don't think the point here is to fall in love with herpes ... it's not to sing it love songs while you stare lovingly into its cartoonish eyes ... You're missing the point if you think this is really about herpes. It's about your relationship to YOURSELF. It's about the thoughts you think. It's about the beliefs you believe. It's about how you feel about your life. You have herpes. You are not herpes. Herpes isn't your identity. Do you really believe that? Don't make that mistake. I don't know you, but I damn sure know you're more than a virus. Please don't demean yourself like that. The choice here isn't whether or not you have herpes. That's done. Accept that. The choice now becomes this: What are you going to do with it? Are you going to suffer, or are you going to move past it? That is an important choice. And either ways are totally in your power. But that is a choice you have control over. AND what you're going through right now is part of your process. I'm not shaming your process. I'm just wanting you to see that there's another way if you want it. And sure, allow yourself to feel pissed off at the world. Allow yourself to feel angry. Allow yourself to feel sad, to mourn. As long as you aren't shutting down, as long as you're not shutting yourself off to your own real, raw feelings. But beating yourself up sure doen't help ... Calling yourself a cynical bitter asshole doesn't help. Allow all of of your feelings to bubble to the surface while taking care of yourself. And then notice when and if you're ready to stop being angry. It will come with time. Follow your feelings. Follow your natural instincts to heal. My heart goes out to you. Totally. Completely. My gut is in knots writing this. My gut is in knots hoping that you'll get that you're still lovable and worth it. I hope you don't hear all of this as fluffy BS, but as the truth. “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.” — Benjamin Disraeli