mr_hopp

My personal opinion is that for anyone who DOESN'T have HSV-1 (also known as oral herpes), which is only 20% of Americans 14-49 (yes, you did the math right: 80% of Americans have oral herpes), then it falls on them to ask the person they're about to kiss if they get cold sores. In my opinion, when an overwhelming majority of people have it, then those who don't have it (and want to keep it that way) are the ones who need to disclose that they DON'T have it. ;) Maybe you could call it "reverse disclosure." Here's how it might sound: "Hey, I don't have oral herpes (I know, what are the chances, right?) and I would rather not get it. I'm wondering ... do you get cold sores?" Here's a longer discussion on this exact topic: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/76/asymptomatic-herpes-type-1-ahhh#Item_2 Also, in reference to you saying you also have HSV-2, I'm assuming you don't get outbreaks on your lip with HSV-2 (that's pretty rare, if so) ... Herpes type 2 prefers the below-the-belt region. So that sort of disclosure would only come into play when that area is in play.

I'm glad you heard what you needed to hear, healing! It's so true, too! It's an easy step to assume that we as human beings aren't enough because of someone else's feelings about a simple virus. It's rarely about us when it comes to being "rejected" because of herpes (and hey, sometimes it is about us if we happen to just be an outright horrible, despicable human being). ;)

Wow, thanks for the update, imnotgone! FYI, it's highly unlikely that you got herpes from your biological mother (if it's herpes that you actually have). (And hey, please don't call it a "horrible disease" ... you make it sound like you're gonna die!) You can't get herpes via blood, only skin-to-skin contact during an active outbreak or asymptomatic viral shedding. When you get re-tested, make sure you specifically ask for the IgG test. That will give you very accurate results and (if you do have herpes) it'll be able to tell you whether you have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Good luck with that! I'm glad you're living with a great family who supports you! It's important to feel supported and loved through this process. And it sounds like you're in a good spot for that. And on top of all that, it sounds like you're loving yourself, too. That's super cool. ;) Thanks again for checking back in! Let us know how the rest of the story goes!

Thank you for opening up with us, shernil. You didn't deserve what he did to you. Not one bit. Please don't blame yourself! Children are supposed to be safe with adults. And when an adult violates that implicit safety and trust, that's something seriously wrong with the adult, NOT the child. Unfortunately, the child tends to take it on as something wrong with them. But it's simply not true. I hear that you have been alone a lot. AND I see that you are reaching out to us right now ... this takes you caring about yourself enough to reach out. Also, I recognize your self-awareness ... that you see yourself pushing others away ... that you recognize you have low self-esteem. In my experience, that level of self-awareness leads to greater and greater levels of self-care. You notice more and more the power you have over your own experience, how you choose to see the world. And that leads to you shifting that so you can feel better. I can hear the deep desire in you to really feel loved ... and I honor that part of you that is dedicated to finding that. Thank you for taking a step towards that self-love here with us. You will only be alone for the rest of your life if that's what you decide. And you're not alone right now. We're here for you.

Another great way to find local herpes folks is through attending local support groups. I wouldn't suggest using it as a way to get dates, but a great way to get in-person support from people who understand what you're going through. Here's a listing of all of them by state: http://www.ashastd.org/std-sti/Herpes/support-groups.html

Interesting article. Thanks for sharing, healing! I agree that it's a good idea to keep a watchful eye over what numbers are given to us and how those numbers are obtained. And unfortunately I don't think the CDC will ever see this as an epidemic, regardless of how many people have herpes because it doesn't have any long-term negative health effects. I wonder what they would come up with if they did a current, more full-fledged study, but alas the money to fund such an undertaking simply isn't there for herpes research. Double-edged sword: Health community is convinced it's not a big deal (at all) and yet our society's stigma around herpes tells us it's a huge deal. Sad, unfair paradox if you ask me.

There are plenty of herpes-only dating sites out there, and they're easy to find if you want to find them ... but my question to you would be: (ahem) "WHY are you segregating yourself from most of humanity?" :) Do you deserve to treat yourself like a leper? (Clear answer: No!) Going the herpes-only dating route is essentially pre-rejecting yourself from the other 84% of people out there who don't have herpes. And my bet is there are plenty of fish in that sea who wouldn't reject you based on a silly little virus. AND, yes (to be fair) there are people in that sea who might reject herpes (note: Not rejecting you, rejecting herpes.) But that's the nature of the dating game anyway ... you can get rejected for any number of things and accepted for any number of things, too. The answer I get from people 99% of the time is "Because I'm terrified of disclosing that I have herpes." Great. That's a starting point. Assuming that's also the case with you, my next question is: "What would it take for you to feel like you can disclose from a place of strength and wholeness?" There's a lot of power in owning the fact that you have herpes AND that it's just not that big of a deal to you. Owning that you're not going to let it stop you from finding the lover who is just right for you. This is where the true work begins ... And this is where you get to find yourself under all those false beliefs that are holding you back. If you haven't yet, download the free e-book on herpes disclosure here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ... and here are some other related posts that you might find helpful: http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/

I understand what you're going through, but I'm not going to do all the work for you. If you would like me to link you up with an (h) buddy that you can talk to over the phone, I'd be more than happy to do that. Go find a local support group ... Sometimes you just need to get up and DO. Go find what you love to do in your life and DO IT. Go LIVE. There are some things that others can't help you to do, laurap. This is one of those things. I have faith in you that you can. And that you don't need as much help as you might think. Big hug. Now go.

rinapink76 — I totally (respectfully) disagree ... Even if condoms are involved there's still a chance of passing herpes. Nothing is ever 100%. Hell, even if suppressive therapy, condoms and a biohazard suit are involved, you're still sharing something. At least have the decency of sharing that you have herpes, too. This also brings up a whole other subject: If the other person doesn't ask if you have anything, are you obliged to be proactive and tell them that you do? My take on this is that if you're going to be intimate enough to have sex, you should be intimate enough to open up a sex conversation, too. AND ... who knows what sort of fun gifts they might have to give you? You're protecting yourself, too! What if the condom breaks and you end up with something more than a silly little herpes virus? Having the sex talk protects partners both ways. And it's just the cool thing to do. ;)

Whoa, whoa, healing! Don't jump to extremes! Slow down, slow down! Yes, you'll have to be more careful than you once were, but think about it: it's just as much a precaution for YOU as it is for them! (You don't want to get anything else, right?) Ah, I remember my pre-herpes days ... I thought I was invincible. The whole "STDs will never happen to me" thing. And then blam, hello herpes! In a way, getting this silly little virus gives me a glimpse into my own lack of invincibility (which is a good thing to get) and allows me to be that much more careful about what I open myself up to (sexually or otherwise). And, aside from that, once you find someone who loves you for you, then herpes really takes a back seat (trust me). I'm in an awesome relationship now with my girlfriend who does NOT have herpes, and we decided together to not wear protection. I take daily suppressive therapy to keep the viral shedding and outbreaks down to minimize her chances of getting it, but when it comes down to it, she loves me for me and herpes doesn't get in the way of that. There are many risks people take in relationships, and herpes is just one of those things. So yes, you'll be more cautious and sexually aware than you once were (again, good thing) AND there's no telling what lies ahead for you as far as a relationship goes. Got it? Don't assume worst-case scenario. Your future hasn't happened yet. ;)

Hey domesticatrix! Yep, here's what you do (FYI, I already updated them all for you, but here it is for everyone else): 1. Click on your screen name at the top of the screen 2. Go to "My Preferences" ... http://screencast.com/t/eA8h8tpSrNM 3. Check all the boxes there ... http://screencast.com/t/z3Jei7cUV Bingo! You're all preferenced up! ;)

There are a few things to consider here: Do you want to find friends only with herpes or simply find new friends who are more open-minded and nonjudgmental? ;) Because you don't necessarily need to only segregate yourself only to the herpes community from here on out to find decent human beings who will treat you right. And if that's the case, then it's simply a question of putting yourself out there, doing the activities out there in the world that excite and intrigue you ... friendships naturally blossom out of such shared experiences ... But if you're looking for specific support with herpes, a great place to start is a local support group (ASHA has a good herpes support group page). If you can't find a local herpes support group close enough to you and/or you're not ready to meet in person about this, I facilitate a monthly support group over the phone that you're totally welcome to attend. A lot of great, supportive people show up on those calls. Here's the website (with a 50% discount applied) to sign up for that: http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=HFORUM ... AND if you're interested in me hooking you up with an (h) buddy to simply talk to about what you're going through and connect with them about what they are going through so you can support each other, I can do that, too! A lot of options out there for you to feel better about yourself and surround yourself with the kind of people you deserve to be surrounded by ...

Perfect. I appreciate you taking care of yourself like that. New friends who will accept you for you is super important. And you deserve that. You know, how people react to you having herpes says a whole lot more about them than it does about you. Just like how herpes can be a good filter for the kind of person you end up with intimately, the same can be said for friends; a friend who can see you as the true person you are without negative judgments about you because of some silly little virus has some good friend qualities. I'm excited for you to start finding these people in your life, Laura! And reaching out on this website is a great step toward that.

Hey Inspired ... I appreciate you reaching out here. That really sucks that your friend who you trusted might be spreading the exact thing that you trusted her not to tell. Betrayal feels like a knife in the back. Unfortunately you can't change what people might think about what it means that you have herpes. What you do have control over is who you are in the face of this rumor. How would you go about confronting your friend? How does that play out in your imagination? What's important about what these people think about you, if anything?

I hear you, Laura! I totally hear you! Thank you for reaching out! The fear of disclosure can be a huge monster telling us horrible things about ourselves! (Damn that monster!) For many of us, it's hard to tell someone you're with those words "I have herpes." And it also becomes our responsibility to do that. Yes, we risk rejection, but it's not that they are rejecting us; they're rejecting herpes (easier said than felt, I know). And it's where we flex our muscles of integrity ... for me, I wasn't told ahead of time that the girl I got herpes from had herpes; I didn't have the option. So now disclosing that I have herpes is so important to me because of that, to turn the tides. At first it's hard to separate these two things ... some part of us wants to say that we ARE our herpes. It's not true. It's just something now that we have a responsibility towards. But I have had beautiful experiences with disclosing that I have herpes. Disclosures that ended with being totally and completely loved and accepted and APPRECIATED for caring enough to do such a difficult thing. And I have also not told people I should have told. I felt horrible about it. My integrity beat me up for not telling. I've seen and experienced both sides. And now you're on the other side of not disclosing … It sucks that people who don't have herpes don't understand how hard it might be for us to disclose, so they shame us and try to make us feel small. If they understood more fully, maybe they would be more compassionate toward you. I feel total compassion toward you. I don't know you, but it seems to me that you didn't tell because of fear, NOT because you are a bad person who doesn't care. We are here for you to support you, Laura. Is it possible to reach out to your ex? What are the options that are available to you?

Yes, like Lelani said, definitely read the ebook and handouts — http://eepurl.com/b4IPP — And here's a youtube video on the herpes talk that I recorded, too: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk I hear a lot in your post that I can relate to, including your perspective on what "the talk" is all about (I AM NOT HERPES! Yes!) and the classic "when to disclose" question — too early and they don't know you (yes, they know you have herpes, but nothing much beyond that); disclose too late and there's resentment, a feeling like you held back on something that they deserve to know before getting too deep into a relationship. There is a sweet spot between those two places. And usually we can feel what that sweet spot is for ourselves. It's that intuition that you feel safe being vulnerable with this person. You feel that YOU know THEM enough to trust them with your vulnerability. I hear you, Abby! I hear the fear AND I hear the excitement about this relationship getting to the point where you feel you can trust this guy. But promise me one thing: Don't pre-reject yourself by ducking out because of the fear of the talk. You got some integrity, sister. We all see it. And this is important to you. We're all here to support you, however you need it. It's a brave thing you're doing ... and it shows a lot about who you are. Definitely keep us posted on how it goes! :)

Oh wow ... yeah, classy text indeed! I'm totally with lelani on this ... perfect test for this guy to show you who he truly is. Best to be done with him now. It's amazing how many people I hear about with herpes who allow other people (even the douches!) to dictate how they feel about themselves ... If someone says something horrible about you, it says tons more about them than it says about you (or your herpes). So yes, having herpes adds a bit more complexity and asks more of us and our integrity, but in the end, it does make us stronger and able to see who we are in the face of life's occasional drama. ;)

Hey dabrat81! Don't have time in this moment for a full response, but here are a few links that might help! I'm so glad you're here with us. We'll help however we can! Welcome! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/ http://herpeslife.com/i-have-herpes-two-parts-of-the-herpes-talk/

I feel sad reading your response, EmmaLynn. It hurts my heart. Holding yourself back because of fear of being rejected is pre-rejecting yourself from everyone, including all those guys who would be totally psyched to be with you — with or without herpes. Have you downloaded the free e-book on disclosure yet? It walks you through the mindset and the actual disclosure itself that happens when you're whole and love who you are. Let yourself heal and re-connect to loving yourself again, yes. But also realize when you're actually holding yourself back from moving on and letting someone love you for you. Don't hold yourself back anymore when you don't need to. Click here to get it ››

That's simply not true. Unfortunately the medical community seems to still be either clueless or simply not care enough to learn the basics of herpes. Here is a post on the blog I wrote about asymptomatic viral shedding. If sores aren't present, then there is about a 10% chance of spreading herpes from male to female and a 4% chance of spreading herpes from female to male (less mucous membrane on the penis, more on the vagina) due to viral shedding. And you never know when this viral shedding is occurring; it happens silently. These risks of spreading herpes are lessened by a large degree if you're taking daily suppressive therapy (Valtrex, Acyclovir, etc.), so consider doing that if you're having sex with someone who doesn't have herpes. But regardless of all the protective measures you're taking, new partners should know that you have herpes! Your friend should be telling her partners! She is risking passing herpes to them. (Not to mention, she's risking getting whatever they have if they aren't having an honest STD conversation before doin' the do!) If the idea of having the herpes talk scares you, then please read this free e-book ASAP! It will switch your perspective quick! http://eepurl.com/b4IPP And download these easy-to-read handouts for all the facts you need at a glance: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout By the way, check out the video I put together about the H Opportunity weekend. Gets me choked up every time I watch it. :)

First off, how does it feel when you consider yourself "infected"? To me, it has me feeling a not-so-nice feeling. I don't like the label (especially if it's self-labeled) of being "infected with a disease." Pay attention to the words you use. Are those really words that you want to use to describe your experience? How does using those words paint your experience? Are you infected with a disease or do you have an annoying little skin condition? Both of those are true depending on how you really look at having genital herpes. I noticed a huge shift in me when I started referring to it and thinking about it in a more self-affirming and healthy way. My relationship with my own herpes changed when I changed the words I used and the attitude I had about it. Read this herpes blog post about the power of words for more on this. How to deal with your relationship? This is strictly my viewpoint, so take it how you will ... :) Ask him what he needs in order to be able to be intimate with you ... More education, an absolute guarantee that he won't get it, more time to feel comfortable in the relationship with you? What's holding him back? I see this as an opportunity to get on the same page about what is in the way of you two connecting. And to have this conversation without him feeling like he's somehow "wrong" for whatever he's experiencing. Simply be curious about it; care about what he says and why he says it. You genuinely want to understand where he's coming from. Because there is a disconnect: You want to have sex with him and he wants to cuddle. Disconnect. Needs aren't being met. Relationship is all about meeting each others' needs and compromise. The more you two stay on either sides of a wall, the less you'll get what you want out of your relationship.

Well my initial inclination was to say "happy anniversary!" then I thought that wouldn't be appropriate, then I thought "Well, I DO want you to be happy regardless of what anniversary it is" so I'm going with it: Happy Anniversary! :) I'm glad that herpes doesn't come up in you unless you're reminded of it because of your ex. It shows that you're living your life and not focusing on something that doesn't deserve to be focused on. Where we put our focus becomes bigger. So focusing on what makes you happy and focusing on your life is so much more productive and self-loving than focusing on a silly little virus like herpes. And I'd also like to throw in there that I hope you start seeing herpes only as a yield sign and not a full stop sign. May seem like a nit-picky thing to point out, but I haven't seen that herpes has fully stopped anyone from the things they truly want. It has only slowed things down and given pause where rushing might have happened before. Does that make sense? I just don't want you to feel like you are completely stopped. That's something that only happens if you convince yourself that herpes will stop you (from being happy, from finding love, from living a full life, etc.) And stopping may be just what you need, but ultimately that's your decision if it benefits you and your healing process. I appreciate you posting here and sharing yourself. Please keep us updated on how this relationship (slowly) progresses! :)

In all my experience with my herpes outbreaks, if I've caught it before it actually becomes a blister (prodrome phase ... you know, those "tingly" sensations?) then taking meds heads it off at the pass. But if it's already in full bloom, it doesn't really seem to do much. Then it's all about keeping the area dry and allowing it to heal. That said, after your initial outbreak, all subsequent outbreaks tend to get much easier to handle AND you get to know your prodrome signals, so you can get better at anticipating the outbreak and stopping it before it starts. I'm glad you're getting value out of this forum AND we're only a few months old. We keep adding more and more great people daily (like you!). Thanks for posting and supporting, bro.

It's ultimately your decision whether you drink or not ... I still drink occasionally and it doesn't lead to an outbreak, but I'm also very healthy otherwise. AND I know plenty of people who aren't the least bit healthy, drink like fishes and are completely asymptomatic (never have outbreaks). It's a total individual thing. It's how your body is made up, it's how your immune system functions, it's a lot of things. I'd say that if you're still going through your first outbreak to try to only put healthy stuff into your body. Give your body a break. It's already battling herpes, so if you put alcohol in your system, it's just weakening its defenses. But again, it's totally your call. Vodka may be worth taking the chance of a weakened immune system. But have you considered some fresh-juiced carrot juice? Yummy. ;)

Anything that weakens your immune system won't help. Vodka is certainly one of those things. Not guaranteed that it'll make it worse, but it certainly won't help your body heal.