mr_hopp

Hey SD74! Thanks for reaching out! Disclosure is huge. Definitely a common theme at our monthly support group. And what disclosure comes down to, in part, is how YOU feel about having herpes. Because how you feel about it will have a huge impact on how he feels about it. If you feel ashamed, scared, sad, he will feel that in you; if you feel self love, acceptance, honor, he will too. I always suggest disclosing in person if that feels right to you. Be strong in your vulnerability, integrity and authenticity. Treat disclosure as a special way to show that who you are is more important than what you have. Does any of this resonate with you? FYI there's another 6-week teleseminar coming soon if you'd like to join. I'd love to have you be a part! Check it out at http://herpesopportunity.com/herpes-seminar.php

Lisa, I don't think we can expect to never again take a few steps back in any place in our life. But as far as I see it, we can be more aware of those areas that we do step back and get curious about what we can learn from the setbacks ... then we can be intentional about why we're moving forward in the first place, why it's important, and who we are on a deeper level. After all (cliché alert!), we can't have happiness without knowing sadness, we can't know light without darkness and we can't know the beauty of taking steps forward without accepting that we'll occasionally take a few steps back.

This is a good reminder, KWAGAL. Herpes allows us to focus on the fact that we are whole and good just as we are. And there are plenty of people out there who will recognize that beyond herpes. Herpes can be an incredibly effective filter to focus our relationships on those who want a deeper relationship instead of purely physical.

This is AWESOME, cjane! I am grinning ear to ear over here and chills are all up and down my spine. Thank you for sharing this! This is a perfect example of how disclosure can be a connecting experience — you showed him your mature "I'm okay" self and he recognized that. You are attractive, cjane. Through and through. Thank you for your strength of integrity and inspiring me and many others, I'm sure. Enjoy your new, blossoming relationship! :)

DeeDee! First off, consider this an e-hug. ;) I'm SO happy to see you back ... It means a lot that you're reaching out and talking about this. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I walked around in a haze for months (everyone's "hazy timeframe" is unique — the herpes healing process looks different for everyone). There are stages to the grieving/healing process (as is shown in the Kubler-Ross model of grieving). Be kind to yourself through this process. Recognize that it is a process. Self-love and self-acceptance is huge. And you reaching out right here is proof that you are practicing both. Awesome. Talking all this stuff out is huge! Keep talking, keep feeling. Feeling means you're still in touch with yourself. And feeling — even if it's sadness and anger — is healthy, when felt in a safe way. Because feeling this side of your emotional spectrum will open the door to the great feelings of wholeness and happiness to come. Mark my words. ;) Thanks again for reaching out, DeeDee. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful. You have such a big heart ... I can feel it through your posts. Join us for an upcoming Herpes Opportunity tele-seminar. We'd love to have you.

I love that you shared this, MamaTried! (AND I love your sense of humor to boot! People of ill-repute can be fun! Ha!) The more we can get solid proof like this that herpes is an equal opportunity virus ;) the more this unfair stigma can be squelched. This is also a perfect example of how much denial plays into so many herpes diagnoses — even physicians can convince themselves that they don't have herpes if there are no outbreaks! But viral shedding is a reality. So many people assume if they don't have an outbreak, they don't have herpes. Nowadays with the IgG test, there's no excuse to not know definitively. But not getting tested is a convenient way to deny what's true. And it's people like this that give herpes a bad name. It's people like this physician, in denial, putting others at risk that add to the stigma of mistrust and ill-reputedness. Let's change this bad reputation through honesty and transparency in relationship.

Ah, MamaTried, (welcome to the forum, by the way!) as much as I respect your opinion, I respectfully completely disagree! ;) Going into a disclosure scenario with that assumption of rejection paints the feeling of the conversation in a negative light. A herpes disclosure doesn't have to be negative (unless you want it to be). What if disclosure could be a connecting experience instead of rejecting? What if disclosure is less about disclosing you have herpes and more about revealing the positive qualities of who you are (integrity, honesty, vulnerability)? I'm actually in the midst of writing up a short e-book on positive disclosure. Can't wait to put it out there so people can see the opportunity in a positive disclosure without shame! :)

My pleasure, cjane. I'm touched that you got something out of the video. And you seem like just the person who someone would love to get to know, herpes or not. It's amazing how big a deal we make such a simple virus, right? Keep us posted on how it goes! P.S. Thanks about the actor suggestion. Never considered it. Throw a gig my way and we'll see. I think I'd like being in an Acyclovir commercial. ;)

Hi HurtSexylady, Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you're getting down on yourself quite a bit, huh? Realize it's not YOU that he's rejecting. You did the right thing. Your integrity is strong. Really, herpes is a preference. To some, herpes is a dealbreaker while others take the chance because the reward of the relationship is greater than the simple risk of herpes. It's simply a preference. Just like to some people, dating a smoker is a dealbreaker. What I've found is that disclosure is really important. How you feel about living with herpes gets translated in how you disclose. It sounds like you hold a lot of shame and pain around having herpes. The secret to this whole thing is to LOVE yourself first! The more you can accept and love yourself, the more likely he will accept you ... the more likely he will see you for the beautiful (sexy) lady you are. (Small print: Strong disclosures won't always guarantee that everyone will take the change — nothing can guarantee that, with or without herpes — but it makes sure to not sway their opinion of it to be worse than it actually is.) If you haven't already, check out the post on the two parts to disclosing I have herpes ... and watch the youtube video on disclosure by clicking here. And also consider taking an upcoming herpes opportunity tele-seminar where we actually practice strong disclosures with integrity and honesty.

Hey Ann, thanks for sharing! :) I agree wholeheartedly about sex not needing to be the basis for a relationship, but I also think something deeper happens when we're okay with herpes and still unapologetically sexual (there might be the tendency to shame sex thanks to herpes, which just ain't right!). Bear with me here … I’m a very sexual person, so sex still has just as much importance to me as it ever has. ;) What has shifted most for me since my herpes diagnosis is seeing INTIMACY in a new way. Herpes forced me to consider both the difference between sex and intimacy and how they overlap. For example, sometimes during a herpes occurrence (or because of a suspicion of viral shedding), I would tell my girlfriend (who never got herpes) that we won’t be having sex (we would jokingly refer to it as my “man period”). But instead of this news being a buzzkill, it opened other avenues to intimacy. So no, an intimate relationship shouldn't be all about sex, but it should be all about intimacy. Don't let herpes taint the fact that sex and intimacy can still be as fun and innocent and raunchy and playful and connecting and deep and _____ (fill in the blank) as its ever been for you. Also, about your 1 in 10 comment, I get it. Those sorts of troll-enticing rejections can hurt on a deep level … I've had 'em, we all have. But check this out: it only hurts to the degree that we agree with the rejection. If we believe we’re damaged and dirty (or a troll), those ignorant people more easily convince us that we’re damaged and dirty (or a troll).[*] But that’s simply not the case, right? (I see you nodding your head, cool!) ;) And the sooner we get that, the less those ignorant people will affect our own view of ourselves. Easier said than done sometimes, but damn if it ain't the truth! Hopefully those ignorant people will become enlightened at some point. (By the way, I used to be one of those ignorant people before I got herpes, so I can't hate on them too much. They just have no reason so far to be educated about herpes.) ---------------------------------------- [*] For example, if someone were to walk up to your blonde-headed self and say “Hey, your purple hair is nasty,” it will have no effect on you whatsoever, because it simply doesn’t apply. (Sorry to all you purple-haired people out there. No offense meant.) Same with our own beliefs about herpes, right? What do you think?

Hey DeeDee. I totally feel you. I remember I felt the same way when I was first diagnosed. I thought I would be sad, disconnected, pissed off, alone forever. And now I realize that was my own necessary process to shake the fact that I'm not enough. In my opinion, the only way this will continue to be a struggle is if you hold onto the belief that it will be a struggle. You can change your belief and change your experience of it. I know it feels like it'll be a struggle forever right now because you're in the midst of it. But be open to it not being a struggle, too. And about your specific questions medical-wise I don't have the medical background to tell you exactly what to do in your specific case, but you can find doctors/clinicians out there who care. Also, there are other great trusted resources out there for you to get the information you need. Speaking of, here's a page that could be helpful to you, especially the "common herpes questions" section (check out the herpes hotlines): About: Herpes Facts.

See Mandee? Leslie is playing the "fear of rejection" representative for all of humankind. (Thank you for the show of hands, Leslie.) ;)

(DeeDee, I've private messaged you so we can talk if you need to.) DeeDee! THANK YOU for reaching out! (And thank you, Leslie, for replying so quickly!) Your tears are perfectly acceptable, DeeDee. Whatever you're feeling is okay. But DON'T kill yourself. You're here for a reason. You reached out for a reason. Know that we are ALL here for you. I remember when I was first diagnosed (about 8 years ago) I thought that it was over for me, too. But I tell you what, DeeDee, it always seems so much darker in the moment. Now I look back and realize that I was suicidal because I ASSUMED so many things that happened to be so WRONG ("no one will ever love me," "I'm dirty," "I'm all alone," "no one understands this horrible feeling," etc. — all bullshit!) I promise you IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER with time. Time really does heal. And it gives you a new perspective on what's important. Trust me. I know you have no idea who I am, but you can trust me on that. And Leslie is so right: What's most important right now is that you talk with someone — anyone! Call someone who loves you. Call someone who will simply listen to you. Talking it out, crying it out, lets all that energy out so you don't bottle it in. Be kind and gentle to yourself. It is a process. Don't give up now. Call me if you need to. Please.

Hey Lori! Thank you for sharing this. And I agree that if we're able to shift our own association with it in our heads and therefore shift our relationship to what herpes means to us in general, we're better off for it. And that better, less shameful relationship we have will show in all our interactions with it, whether it be disclosing to partners or just how we relate to ourselves. The words we use are powerful (click here for an article on that). Think about it. If we have recurring acne on our face, would we shamefully explain "I have puss-filled sores that explode on my face every so often and ooze occasionally"? (sorry if I ruined your appetite with that one) ... NO, we simply say "I have zits." We can create a much more horrific story around something we believe to be horrific. Call it like it is. "Genital herpes" I officially dub "Acne genitalis." No biggy, right? P.S. For everyone else reading this, if you would like to read the article Lori's referring to, click here.

Shannon, my heart goes out to you. I just private messaged you so we can get on the phone for a few ... I have a little time tonight I can dedicate to you ... really important that you get that you're NOT alone. It's a cruel trick our minds tend to play on us. You'll see soon enough. Thank you for reaching out. P.S. For everyone else reading this, if you would like to read the article Shannon's referring to, click here.

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that happened. This is why disclosing that you have herpes is so vital. (Your ex seems to not have that going for him.) I know how that feels. My ex gave me herpes, too, after cheating on me with her ex. (Passing it down the line, huh?) Can I make one teeny request of you, though? ... Stop calling yourself dumb! Hindsight is 20/20, right? Of COURSE it's easy for us to look back and think "if only" … that herpes-saving time machine would help us out tons. But now that it's done, you can stop faulting yourself. Ask yourself "What now?" Now you move on, accepting that part that you cannot change. (Look up the serenity prayer for more on this. Good stuff.) Part of the healing process is to get past the denial of what is. We can get in a vicious cycle of blaming ourselves over and over again … but it's not our fault. How were we supposed to know that having sex with that person that time would lead to this? There are risks in every aspect of life, and we learn by doing. The point is, sometimes shit happens (undoubtedly said by some famous philosopher); but the question is, do we choose to be a victim of our circumstances or to learn from that shit in order to grow and be better people in the meantime?

Lori! You got me both laughing out loud and nodding in recognition. Thanks for the laughing part ... and about the nodding, I can relate to the "more compassionate person" part. I was definitely quite a self-centered little brat before herpes. I judged the hell out of people (yes, including those "dirty herpes people"). And after I GOT herpes, I was forced to confront my own judgmental nature. It caused me to have a whole lot of aha moments about who I was being and who I was inspired to be. It's interesting how something so simple as a herpes virus can slap a person into living a more aware life. I also like that phrase you used ... "ashamed to be open." If we can remember that when we're open, it's more showing our integrity, honesty, compassion (all those caring, generous qualities) than showing all those negative assumptions around herpes. Let's not confuse the beauty of openness with the stigma of herpes. The only way to turn the tide of the stigma is through openness. Interesting, huh?

Hey Sherry! Thanks for your commending! I'm honored and humbled that you're inspired. Truly. You are speaking directly to that eternal conversation that we, the herpes people talk about all the time: when do you disclose? Too early and they haven't had a chance to get to know you as a person (they can't seem to see past that big red H tattooed on your forehead) ... too late and there's a huge level of mistrust and withholding. (This is all discussed at length on .) I like your "go-with-the-flowness" ... it's quite zen. I know I've seen a lot of people (myself included) take on so much expectation and pressure because of having herpes. When we can take it for what it is and realize that some people will react negatively (mostly because of their own misconceptions) and some people will be totally accepting and have the "no big deal" attitude. Disclosure is half where we are with our own process of healing and acceptance and the other half is in the receiver's head. We have no control over that other half. Thanks for the reminder, Sherry!

Yes, I love the genuineness in that, the freedom. Thank you for sharing, reservedextrovert and thanks for chiming in, Lori! You know what I wish for you, RE? I wish that you can access that genuine side again, that side that doesn't give a flip what other people think, and own your strength and freedom. I can hear your playfulness and zest for life in that post. And most importantly, that deep-down-body desire to reconnect with it! So here's to reconnecting. I can feel it comin' on ... ;)

Lynn, thank you for sharing yourself like that. You're wise beyond your years. I would love to talk with you about what you may be going through. It sounds like you definitely have a great and positive outlook. Remember that it’s a process and that you have plenty of people to help you if you need it. I would love to be one of those people for you.

First off, having more kids is there if you want it. No herpes will stop that. AND I think you might just be surprised at the amount of people who see herpes as it is: no big deal. (Dan Savage himself said it on his wildly popular podcast, Savage Love. Listen to it here.) If you find the person who you will have children with, the power of herpes falls down a few notches. Like, waaay down. It's our mind playing tricks on us if we believe that a simple virus is going to hold us back from finding people to truly love us for who we are (and have cute lil rug rats with 'em). And yes, that fear of rejection piece is a doozy, ain't it? Believe me, everyone (herpes or not) shares that fear with you. Can I get a show of hands? (See, everyone is raising their hands, I told you.) Yet that fear seems to be amplified quite a bit if we have herpes. But why? Question for you: What are people rejecting if they reject you with a simple virus? (Hint: They aren't actually rejecting YOU.)

Thank you for talking so openly about your experience. I deeply appreciate you putting yourself out there with us. I get your deep pain and your frustration. I hear it and feel it on a visceral level. Don’t you just wish our culture could jump ahead in awareness a bit to realize that herpes really isn’t that big of a deal? So many people make it such a big deal without really knowing what it is. The bark of herpes is much worse than the bite (especially considering that you haven’t even had a herpes occurrence in 10 years!). But Susan, the part that really struck me was when you said “It is too bad that the fact that I am honest has zero value” … That has all the value in the WORLD! Susan, you are strong and courageous and LIVE what you believe (that's integrity out the yin yang!). That is something to be proud of in itself. There are plenty of people out there who need that kind of transparency and honesty in their lives. Just because a few people in your life haven’t seen your honesty as valuable doesn’t take away its value. But trust me, I get how it can feel that way when your experience with being honest doesn’t seem to have produced positive results (a close and accepting relationship, for example). But I for one want to give you a hug and a fist-bump for being so real through all of this. I promise you that taking herpes as an opportunity to be real and vulnerable in a strong way brings exactly the kind of relationship you want to have to you. Honestly, I wouldn’t want a relationship where I couldn’t be open and vulnerable about what’s really going on with me, and I would want the same from my partner. And someone who would reject a whole human being because of herpes is like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater — does that analogy work here? ;) There are so many other qualities in us that overshadow this little herpes thing, it’s insane. It’s just our job to focus on nurturing those positive qualities instead of letting other people’s opinions get us down. Those who live their values tend to recognize value in others. Like attracts like.

Ha! Pink, you crack me up! Yep, that matches my experiences and the stories I've heard about how doctors view herpes. It just goes to show the mixed messages that the medical community and our culture give us, right? The herpes stigma our culture holds onto tell us "It's bad, very baaaaad. Be ashamed. Be sad. Hide." And the medical community says, "What? It's just herpes. No big deal. Here are some meds." Why is that? Interesting ...

That’s awesome, Moe. It’s a great reminder that who you truly are always overshadows what herpes represents to most people. Bravo. For what it’s worth, I’m super proud of your whole response to all of this. You’re a good person and it shows. Your girlfriend clearly recognizes that. Thanks for the update, bro!

Myo, bro ... I'm glad you got something from the herpes talk video. And I totally understand that lost feeling. You're not alone in that. I felt lost for a long time with herpes. Then I realized there was a lot that I was using herpes as an excuse for (not saying you're doing that now, just be aware of the potential for that.) I appreciate you reaching out. I just want to give you a big man hug and tell you it'll be okay ... because it will ... So much must be rushing through your head and heart and guts right now ... be good to yourself during this process. Because it's just that: A process. And a lot of us want to hole up in our bat cave waiting for the shitstorm to pass by ... but sometimes the most powerful thing is to reach out (which you did, which is a huge step, so frickin' bravo for that) ... and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's all part of the healing process. And about the whole "who will want me now" ... recognize that ultimately it is just a simple virus. Somehow our society has cast a pretty wide net around this herpes thing being a big scary monster. And for the most part that monster is between our ears ... and it gets pretty loud if we let it. Someone will want you. Why? How? Because you're NOT herpes. Because you're YOU. So don't let herpes overshadow that. Learn to love yourself more deeply and others will love that deep part of you, too. Try it out and let me know how it goes, bro.