mr_hopp

I love you, Leslie. I've been thinking of you a lot lately ...

Amazing the kind of shift in perspective that can happen from one side of the disclosure to the other ... from worry and self-judgment pre-disclosure to relief and laughter post-disclosure! The worry of what could be vs. the relief of what actually is. There's a great quote by Twain that hits this idea on the head: "I've had thousands of problems in my life, most of which never actually happened." This is an awesome example of that! CONGRATULATIONS for having the strength and courage to tell her! And what an amazingly positive validation on the other side of it! Bravo! I know that must have felt super good! Then, of course, there might be those times where our negative fantasies DO come true ... (horror movie music plays) and what then? What if it turned out that your aunt DIDN'T have herpes and she had judged you for whatever reason? What is the opportunity then? I've been playing around with this idea in my own mind, not as a way to focus on the negative, but to plan for it as a possibility and go courageously toward that goal. After all, we don't have control over someone else's beliefs and relationship to stigma. Just has me curious about what would happen then, you know?

I love your viewpoint, lelani. You ARE inspiring. By loving yourself, you provide an openness for others to do the same, especially when they have somehow convinced themselves that they're unlovable. Let's put our energy into this instead of the negativity of worry and shame. That's the decision point: focusing on what's lovable in us or focusing on what's not. Whatever gets focused on expands. And it convinces others of the same. Looking forward to having you be a part of (h) group! Can you make it to the next one? Something tells me you'll be an inspiration there, too. ;) Feels good to have you be a part of what we are doing here, lelani.

Well, first things first: hooray for the feeling of soul-matedness! ;) Congrats on that. Definitely deserves some celebration points. As far as your fears are concerned, here are the first two things that come up for me: 1. He is a big boy (I assume). Big boys can make their own big boy decisions. ;) If he says he will risk it, that's his decision 100%. He wants to be with you and everything that comes with it. The good, the bad, the herpes, too. :) 2. With the above being said, I would also say this: Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Relationships are NEVER 100% (especially in these days of a divorce rate approaching 60% or so). I don't mean to burst your bubble or give you reason to doubt anything, but if his reasoning is that he's willing to take a chance based on the cold hard fact that you'll be together for life, I'd dig deeper into that with him. Get curious about that. Planning for the worst isn't about being pessimistic and focusing on the negative; it's about being realistic that time brings all sorts of things with it. It's about being on the same page with all the possibilities that life could bring. And nothing is ever certain. It's a lot like creating a will with your amazing mother in case of death (coincidentally enough, my mom just called me yesterday about this!). By agreeing to go over this will with mom, we aren't focusing on the whole "dying part." We are simply planning for worst-case scenario so we can be on the same page and enjoy life together in the meantime. So in short (wow I can be long-winded sometimes!), if you can have a real, heartfelt conversation about the difficult worst-case scenarios, then you're ironically building that much stronger of a foundation for your relationship now.

So random I'll email you details! You should totally come then! It's settled! ;)

I can't wait to read your upcoming story on this awesome disclosure/love confession combo, lbbd8154! ;) It's so nice when people can see through the thin layer of herpes and into the depth of who you actually are, huh? It really proves that herpes is really no big deal when people see it for what it is. It's super refreshing! Congrats! To BOTH of you!

I get the anger in your post, luckyme. I've been there. I know the feeling well. I got herpes from my then-girlfriend who didn't know she had it. Ignorance might be bliss, but sometimes ignorance is a bitch. Ultimately, find a way to truly forgive yourself for this happening. Shed the self-blame and shame. Beating yourself up doesn't do any good (it may feel like somehow you deserve it, but you don't!) ... Join a support group to get all this stuff out in the open, because moving past all this means experiencing your feelings in a safe and healthy way. FYI, what you're going through is perfectly normal — not only normal, but healthy! It's all part of the herpes healing process. If you don't have a local support group, please join us for our over-the-phone herpes support group. We call it (h) group. Click here to check it out. It's all about support, acceptance and connecting with others who know what you're going through. You're not alone in this! Hang in there. You got this.

Hey aprilrae, I'm sorry to hear that. Your ex sounds like the epitome of insensitive. I have seen that tendency to be trapped — to stay in the wrong relationship because herpes was accepted. But when a relationship is just wrong, whether or not herpes is involved, it's wrong. I've also seen relationships where the non-herpes partner manipulates the herpes partner, using the fact that they're "taking a chance of getting herpes" as blackmail to keep the person in the relationship. This clearly shows the kind of person they are, and no amount of herpes acceptance can cover that up. I'm glad you got out of that relationship based on how you describe this guy. But I do understand how you see it now. You feel like you can't even date because it might get out that you have herpes in a small town where everyone knows one another? Well, keep in mind that disclosing that you have herpes is something that you do when you feel trusting of your potential partner. If you go on a few (non-sexual) dates or even a few dozen and don't get that feeling that they are worth you being vulnerable with, then you don't disclose and break it off. Disclosure is a decision you make when you feel it is right. Disclosure happens when you have that feeling that they can look past herpes and see you for the awesomely beautiful person you are.

Hey newlydxd! Thanks for reaching out here. First off, let me say that I'm not a doctor, but I have experience in this and a lot of support groups under my belt. I do know that there is limited research around this area of oral HSV2. Here's what I know ... HSV1 and HSV2 tend to have sites of preference (HSV1 tends to be oral and HSV2 tends to be genital), but either can end up in either location if a herpes outbreak on your partner makes skin-to-skin contact with either your mouth or genitals. (Also, keep in mind that a first herpes outbreak is almost always the worst outbreak you'll ever have; based on the stats, you might not even have another outbreak, especially since HSV2 prefers the genitals and not the mouth.) What's interesting is the imbalanced herpes stigma: 16% of Americans have genital herpes (a lot of stigma) while 80% of Americans have oral herpes (virtually zero stigma). Ask someone who has oral herpes if they feel dirty; the answer will be overwhelmingly "no." Asking someone with genital herpes is another story. So what about your case of having the strain of the virus orally that is usually associated with genital herpes? So should you feel "icky" about something that to so many is simply cold sores? That's your decision, but I'd lovingly suggest that you see yourself as not "infected" with some "disease" and simply realize that you have acquired a simple skin condition. The words you use can really affect how you feel about herpes; the power of words is immense. And to answer your specific "logistical" questions: 1) Yes, the antibodies for the virus can be found in the blood. That's why the IgG herpes blood test works so well to get a herpes diagnosis. The virus itself resides in the sacral ganglia at the base of the spine (for genital herpes) and in the trigminal ganglia near the top of the spine (for oral herpes). In your case, it would seem that your HSV2 resides in the top of the spine, so that is why is only transmissible orally. 2) Your kids can't get herpes from your saliva and sharing drinks. The second the virus is outside of the body, it dies. Herpes can ONLY be transmitted from skin-to-skin contact. You should know that there is such a thing as viral shedding where the virus silently sheds around 5-10% of the time (depending on what study you read). From the sounds of it, you FEEL a whole lot more infectious than you actually ARE. It's good to be cautious about kissing your children during an active outbreak, but any other time, the chances of passing the virus is very, very low. And in order to pass the virus, there needs to be an opening in the skin of the recipient. (Skin is a natural incredibly effective barrier to the virus having access to the body.) PLEASE don't stop kissing your kids altogether. And you are certainly NOT a walking contagion! Not in the slightest! Stop beating yourself up! You know, after getting a feel for how herpes interacts with your body, you might get a feel for when herpes is shedding or when an outbreak is coming up (it feels like a tingling for most people). In fact, I'd assume that one of the main reasons why 80% of Americans have oral herpes is because of the lack of the oral herpes stigma, and because people with active cold sore outbreaks on their lips kiss their family members not realizing it's transmissible. But in your case, the lack of an active cold sore that can make direct skin-to-skin contact with a break in the skin of your kids makes it very unlikely. In short, you are in the same boat as 80% of Americans with oral herpes. I understand the paranoia of passing it on, but just give it some time to understand how the virus interacts with your body. Having herpes is not a big deal, ultimately, even though it feels like it now. Please let us know if you need any other help! And please consider joining our virtual herpes support group!

Thanks for contributing to this post, Elle! Wow! I love the detail! ;) And just so everyone knows, you're doing your masters thesis on the stigma of herpes, right? So cool. I wanted everyone to know where your amazing knowledge comes from! Thanks again!

Ah, yes, Professor H! I love it! I'm wearing my tweed jacket, thick-rimmed glasses and puffin' my bubble pipe. ;) It is awesome to actually read the post that you promised you'd write. I knew it would happen; it was only a matter of time. :) I am so happy for you. SO happy. You know, you have done so much that people can't see. You deserve to celebrate. Everyone who is reading this should know what an amazing person you are. All of your practice disclosures, all of your fear and worries, all of your hope and focus on doing this well were because you care so much. You have grown so much toward knowing you're enough. It took a lot for you to do it and you did. THAT is the definition of courage. So much integrity, love and compassion. And he sees that in you. Thanks for letting us know so we can celebrate with you! Much love! Big hug!

Celebrations are in order! Remember Leslie's nervousness around her imminent plans to disclose to her special man? Well it went down last night in a beautiful way. Check out her post on it here! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/54/bestworst-case-scenario

Someone requested I share some of the quotes I read for the night. Here they are! “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” — Shakespeare “I’ve had many troubles in my life. Most of which never happened.” — Mark Twain “Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung “The only thing that is real is my experience.” — Unknown “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson “Connection is why we are all here. Shame is the part of us that says ‘Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection?’ No one wants to talk about [shame] and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe that they are worthy of love and belonging. That’s it.” “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.” — Benjamin Disraeli “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” “We are continually faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.” — Lee Iacocca

We met over the phone last night for (h) group. I, for one, was humbled and inspired by all of you who showed up and how you showed up. How you all shared with one another and gave feedback felt so loving and supportive. Felt like we were all swimming in it! Here were some memorable topics that we touched on ... Can I just stay in acceptance, please? We all share a process of healing. That process we all go through toward acceptance can jump around a bit, stages can be revisited and skipped, and they don't always happen in order. A main theme that ran through last night's shares was the fear of disclosure. We might find ourselves in full acceptance mode — "Hey, I am okay with herpes." We feel perfectly good about ourselves and our relationship to having herpes — then, all of the sudden something happens (a disclosure rejection, a Valtrex commercial) that will plop you right back into the anger stage. Just because we make it to acceptance doesn't necessarily mean we're done with processing what we need to process. And the more compassion we can have for ourselves when we do find ourselves revisiting past stages of the healing process, the more we can continue to heal. Naturally. Choice and empowerment Someone on the line shared their experience with acquiring herpes when choice wasn't an option. This person's share simultaneously broke my heart, had me hating evil people and inspired the shit out of me. Many people who get herpes get it after exercising their choice to have sex. It's easier to see that you aren't the victim of herpes when sex is a choice. But when herpes is acquired through rape, when you don't have choice, it seems it would be harder to let go of the anger, the victimization. It's sad to consider that people could be so disconnected from their hearts, so pitiful to do such things to other human beings. And this person's share had me realizing something so profound … This person has so much compassion. This person discloses to potential partners. This person has so much integrity and love at the core of their being. This person could easily have reacted in revenge mode, not disclosing to any partners, giving out exactly what was given … but this person didn't. That is exercising positive choice: the choice to maintain personal integrity and compassion. This person turned the tides. The strength of character is undeniable here. This person insists on loving instead of lashing out. I want to say a sincere thank you to this person for being such a beautiful role model. You inspire me. The healing power of connection & community After each person shared their experience of living with herpes, multiple people jumped in to give feedback and reflection to that person. It was beautiful to witness so much support and love. There was laughter, deep feeling and everything in between. I felt that, even through painful shares (maybe especially through the painful ones), there was so much connection, so much loving attention from all the group members. All directed toward this one person. It was a connection through shared experience. Even though all the facts of our stories are different, our feelings are the same. We have all felt pain. We have all felt lonely. We have all felt like we aren't enough. That's where the opportunity for connection is blown wide open. There was so much of that last night. After many of the shares and feedback, I sat back in awe of these people. Brene Brown was right. When shame isn't held in anymore, it releases its power. Vulnerability does equal connection. I felt it. I know everyone on the call felt it, too. Interested in joining us for the next (h) group? We'd love to have you be a part of it! Sign up here »

Hi flyingwings & kendratundra! First off, really nit-picky, but necessary distinction ... you ask for a "natural cure" for herpes, but I think what you mean is a natural treatment? (I know, I know, but I just don't want someone else to read it as if there is actually a be-all-end-all cure. There is no herpes cure, but there is herpes treatment.) I haven't personally taken a full regimen of natural remedies or treatments for herpes, but the one thing I have heard time and time again is to avoid foods with arginine in them (chocolate, nuts, oats, etc.) and increase foods with lysine in them (most vegetables, dairy, eggs, fish, etc.). At first, I tried to avoid the arginine and take in more lysine, but I didn't notice any increase/decrease in herpes outbreaks for me. (And hey, I tend to really like foods with arginine.) If you do a search for natural remedies for herpes, you'll find many, many people saying many, many different things about what works for them. It seems that there are almost as many remedies as there are people with herpes. I can imagine that it can get frustrating to try all these disparate treatments and hold out hope that your herpes outbreaks will go away. My take on treatments is the healthier I am overall, the more able my body is to repress the herpes virus. I go to the gym regularly (which increases my body's strength/immune system), take yoga classes (which calms my mind and increase awareness), do martial arts (to link my body with my mind), and other stuff I would do with or without herpes. It's interesting that a top stimulator for recurring outbreaks is stress. Anything in life that can decrease stress will naturally decrease herpes outbreaks. That's what I tend to move toward as far as treatment goes. A more holistic approach for me.

Okay, first reaction right off the bat: Wow. Wow. WOW! Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us and your new partner! Powerful! I am so excited for you right now, it's insane! By the way, I read the first few sample pages of that Monsters graphic novel … again, wow. I'm ordering it right away. It sounds like something I could really endorse. Inspires me to start a "books & media" section. That book will be towards the top of that list. Nice mix of truth and humor. I love how you write, how you express yourself. I totally get that feeling of simultaneous excitement and nausea when realizing that this someone might just be worth having "the talk" with. I feel the internal struggle in you and I recognize it in myself. Thank you for that. And thanks for the dig on the "opportunity" name. ("I'd rather pass on that opportunity …") Ouch. Classic. ;) Maybe I should do a video making fun of myself a bit on that. I teared up when I read your last line. Beautiful. What a connecting exchange you clearly had. Thank you for your vulnerability and courage in disclosing, in revealing yourself. Reminds me of Brene Brown's TED talk about shame and vulnerability. I don't think disclosing will ever be easy, but disclosing shows so much about who you are and what you stand for in relationship. Powerful example of integrity in action. Keep us updated, MplsMan! By the way, I would LOVE it if you would join us for the next virtual support group. Are you game? I'll shoot you a private message to give you a gentle prodding. I really want you to be a part of this. :)

It's so great to have you two as a part of our group! You definitely add great positivity and fun. Thanks for jumpin' on the boards and posting your replies here! :) Looking forward to future sessions! And ArtIsTheSearch, I'd love it if you were in NC to come to one of our groups! They are super nice, supportive and real. Much love, brotha. (I'll definitely come on down to Iowaville once cloning and/or teleportation is created! I promise!) ;)

We had another great, supportive group tonight. About 20 people showed up to share their story and share some laughs, plus some delectable unhealthy snacks. Thank you to all the people who showed up, especially all you courageous first-timers! Here were some strong themes that came up during the night: Feeling the guilt of possibly passing herpes to a herpes-free partner even when the partner knows about the herpes. Let go of the 100% responsibility and appreciate the fact that your partner has made a decision to be with you. That decision includes all the positive things you have to give in a relationship, oh, and it includes the risk of getting herpes. It's all part of the package. If they use their "okayness" with herpes as a tool for manipulation or guilt trip, probably a good idea to get out of the relationship. Quick. Not cool. Not wanting to date certain people or at all because of fear of passing herpes and fear of rejection. This is the classic case of pre-rejection. "I won't pursue anything with him/her since I'll just get rejected anyway ..." You aren't even giving him/her a chance to get to know you before you make the decision for them! The relationship is dead before it even had a chance to happen! Yes, disclosing that you have herpes has inherently more risk than not disclosing, but at least you're giving the relationship a chance to be. Feeling horrible about having made a decision that ended in getting herpes ... "How stupid could I have been?" I'm sure all of us have at one point or another asked us this question. But does being cruel and demeaning to yourself really work at ridding your world of herpes? Take the power back, realize that you made a decision and shed the victim mentality of herpes "happening" to you. It's common to wish for a time machine to take you back to that "fateful night" but there's a lot of power in accepting and moving through to the other side of self-acceptance. This self-judgment can quickly turn into self-compassion. I'm feeling so much shame that I isolate. I feel like I can't talk about herpes to anyone. Feeling totally alone in this struggle. Talk about it to someone, anyone. If it's not family or friends, then at least a counselor or support group. Normalize herpes into what it really is: A simple virus that produces a simple, occasional skin condition. It takes the power away when you bring shame into the light of day. You start to realize you don't really have much to feel ashamed of. Brene Brown has a beautiful TEDx Houston talk on youtube. Watch it if you haven't already. You'll love it. If 80% of people have cold sores and that's NOT an STD, then why when that gets transferred "down there" does it become an STD? And how does that happen? The medical community doesn't routinely test for herpes, so you need to specifically ask for it; not only that, a few people in the group told stories of when the test was actually discouraged by the clinician. Interesting stat: Nowadays, 50% of genital herpes cases are due to oral sex, passing HSV-1 cold sores from the mouth to the genitals. The topic of forgiveness The most important person you can forgive is yourself. Ask yourself the question: "Have I forgiven myself yet?" It can do wonders for your headspace and your heartspace. Forgiveness allows you to recognize that you are okay. You're not a bad person for doing what you did, for making the decisions you did. Forgiving yourself may move into forgiving the person who you got herpes from, too. Because any lack of forgiveness is holding on to negative mojo that really only harms/drains you of the good stuff. Why would I disclose to people I'm not intimate with (family, friends)? Everyone has their own process. Some people process by themselves, couldn't imagine disclosing to anyone ... at all. Some people feel it is part of the normalizing process to disclose to people just to "get it out there" and realize they're still loved. Both ways are perfectly legit. Your way is right for you. Someone during group said, "If herpes isn't such a big deal, then why tell other people about it?" The flip of that can be said, too: Because herpes is ultimately no big deal ("acne genitalis"), then why NOT tell others? The preferences on disclosing to non-romantic people vary. Find your preference on this and follow it. (It was widely agreed upon that shouting "I have herpes!" from every rooftop in town with a crazy grin on your face might be a bit too extreme.)

I can feel the heartache in this post, a sense of numbness ... I can feel your heart wanting to open up and just not being given the chance. I can hear so much compassion in your first paragraph ... your understanding how difficult it is to have the herpes disclosure talk. And it does take a lot to do what you have done, to stay fully in your integrity and tell all the potential partners that you have told, to risk potential partners rejecting you because of fear, stigma or general miseducation about a simple, harmless virus. It does suck that so many people have such a negative view of something that is really only a skin condition — "acne genitalis." It takes a strong person to continue down the path of honesty like you have. And I want to say thank you. Thank you for your strength of character. You don't have to tell potential partners; many people don't. But you have. And that's commendable. It shows what kind of a person you are, deep down. You're someone who gives a shit. And it certainly is up to you whether you want to join the H convent. I totally get the frustration and the buildup of anxiety that can come with working up a disclosure and it not turning out the way you had hoped. And sometimes what seem to be rejections are actually filters to get you past the people who won't work for you. Whether or not you choose to go it alone, I have a feeling that there is still quite a few good, heartfelt men out there who would love to be with such a trustworthy, honest and loving woman such as yourself, herpes or not (I can only imagine the amount of love you have based solely on these words in your post). Because it's not about what you have, but about who you are. That's what matters. Some people are able to see that more than others. Remember, I will support you in whatever decision you make, but just know that we'll be here for you if you need anything, whether it's to vent your frustrations or celebrate your victories. Much love, DesignDiva.

Thanks for reaching out, CAS0104. Yes, you can get herpes symptoms within days of being exposed to the virus. The average that I've heard about is within a few weeks, but a herpes outbreak within days of contracting it is certainly possible. I know that with me, I had a full-blown fever within two days of having sex with the woman who I got herpes from. The main part that gets me is your scared shitless title. I totally understand feeling that fear upon finding this out. I thought my sex life was over, I told myself all sorts of scary stories about what having herpes meant. But they all turned out being really scary cases of bullshit. ;) I'd love to support you in not feeling so scared. Yes, having herpes changes things, but chances are it's not nearly what you're making it out to be right now. Know that in the scheme of things, herpes is not a big deal. The herpes stigma tends to be many times worse than the actual virus itself and the impact it will have on your life overall. If you need any more support, please consider coming on the line for the virtual herpes support group. Please come. I'd love to hear your voice on the line and be able to support you in this.

Hi Iris4, Wow, you have hit the Herpes Opportunity square on. Beautifully said. Simply beautiful. I LOVE and APPRECIATE the heart and thoughtfulness you put into this post. I'm sure others will feel the same and get their own gifts from your words. Here are some blog posts around this topic: Could herpes be a symptom — a physical manifestation — of something deeper? How can herpes be an opportunity? Herpes is a life teacher

Right off the bat, let me tell you that you have people you can talk with about this. If you don't have a local herpes support group, please come to an upcoming herpes virtual support group over the phone. I'd love to hear your voice on the line so we can all support you! (if you want to get in for 75% off, just put in the code VIP75): http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=HFORUM And, I want you to hear that I totally understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately, I've heard many stories where the doctors/nurses don't take the time to educate/console new herpes patients. They have a schedule to stick with. Their view of herpes is that it's simply "not a big deal" (which, physically/medically speaking, is very true), but they don't understand the mental implications of getting diagnosed with herpes. Our society's stigma on herpes may have us feel like we're outcasts, like we might just be lepers 2.0. It's simply not true, and it takes talking with people who understand and who have lived with herpes for a while. The more shame that is suppressed, the greater the shame grows. (See the Brene Brown talk on TED for a great explanation of how shame works.) So sharing with a supportive and understanding group actually lessens the shame; it shows you that you're still okay.

From what I've heard (I'm not a doctor, but have heard plenty on this subject), HSV-1 doesn't naturally prefer the genitals. Herpes 1 prefers the lips. For that reason, genital HSV-1 outbreaks will tend to be much less severe and will occur much less often. And viral shedding will be less, too. Therefore, the transmission rates would be much less overall. But there's still a chance of transmission. When we talk percentages, those can be misleading, because whether there's a 38% chance or a 83% chance of transmitting herpes, the person getting their diagnosis is black or white: either you have it or you don't. So, the conversation will still include the possibility that your partner will get genital HSV-1, but the chances of it happening are less. And about the whole oral sex feeling good question, I don't know from experience since I'm of the male persuasion … ;) (Anyone of the female persuasion want to chime in?) But, consider this: Beyond the question of whether more layers/caution will lessen the actual physical sensation, think about what it means to have sex with someone you're truly connected with and close to vs. someone who you're just f***ing (pardon the french). Personally, I would much rather have connected, vulnerable sex with a partner than disconnected sex that is all about just getting off. (I'm not insinuating that that is what you're referring to, but consider that sex is about something deeper than more or less physical sensation — there's also emotional sensation.) From my experience, connected, emotional sex the most fulfilling kind of sex there is. And ironically, it was the vulnerability of disclosing that I had herpes that helped to further open the door so that my partner and I could to go deeper with each other. Talk about beautiful sex (condom or not)! So, in other words, putting a condom on or strapping on that dental dam isn't the same as strapping a condom around your heart (may be the corniest analogy yet, but it's so true). Join us for the next virtual support group and we can get a larger conversation going live. Be my guest at 50% off (if you want to get in for 75% off, just put in the code VIP75): http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=HFORUM

First off, I love your distinction about your fear of him not accepting IT vs. accepting YOU. So many of us get that smooshed together into the same thing: I am my herpes. No. You're right on. And I also feel where you're coming from: You still want him to be okay with herpes so you can be with him and see how it shapes up. You may not identify with being herpes, but you still have herpes and it's something that needs to be looked at. Another part that I loved was "now that I feel he is worth disclosing to" ... it shows that disclosure isn't this horrible thing, but something that only comes when a relationship has potential to be something more. You wouldn't disclose to some punk of the street that you're never going to see again. That punk ain't worth it. So to your immediate concern about disclosing ... First things first, have you read the Herpes Life post and watched the youtube video on "the talk"? And have you downloaded the free e-book "The Positive Guide to Herpes Disclosure"? If you've done those two things, then what I would add here is that you need to own the fact that disclosing always has two parts to it: Your part (the discloser) and his part (the disclosee). You can only control your part. You can't control their part (their own beliefs, their head, their relationship to herpes stigma, etc.) Let all that go. Let go of the expectation that the talk *should* look a certain way. I know this might be hard when you really want to be with this guy. Know that your integrity is great by even choosing to have the talk with him. It shows a lot about who you are.

Yes, interesting double standard, isn't it? If you have herpes on your hoo-diddley (the medical term for genitals), then it's something to be ashamed of in our society, but when someone has a cold sore, there's no cause for shame ... BUT when that same herpes that is on someone's lips gets transferred to someone else's hoo-diddley, it magically becomes shameful again! That's quite a magic trick. And yes, I hadn't heard that stat about 50% of all new genital herpes infections are caused by oral sex. It makes sense though since oral sex in our culture seems to "not count" as sex. But you can pass just as much stuff via oral sex than you can via genital sex ("genital sex" — wow, sounds sexy). My girlfriend doesn't have herpes. I have both oral and genital herpes (woo hoo!), so I pay attention to those "tingling" feelings that signal either an oncoming outbreak or viral shedding. I don't have sex with her if I feel anything resembling a tingling on my penis. I don't go down on her if I feel anything slightly resembling tingling on my lips. (By the way, you'll learn that feeling if you haven't already, which is why I always suggest people don't completely repress their outbreaks until they at least get a felt understanding of what this is like. Get to know your herpes!) You can also see this double standard you mention in the medical field vs. general society as you mentioned: If you don't have genital herpes, there's a stigma against it so you have a healthy fear of STDs, but once you already have it, they tell us it's no big deal, not life threatening, so just deal with it (which is ultimately the realistic view of what it actually is — just a skin condition). And about your disclosure situation ... aside from reading the e-book, it's interesting how much pressure we put on ourselves here, huh? Like we have to have all the answers and share in a perfect way. It sounds like you're putting that pressure on yourself there (like you might need to explain your exes scab story, for example). How about sharing the responsibility of having "the herpes talk" with your partner. Starting off with explaining what the relationship means to you, then simply telling them that you have something important to share: "I have herpes." Then ask them to tell you what they know about herpes and what their thoughts are. Open up a discussion vs. feeling like you need to give a powerpoint presentation. ;) (I know the feeling of needing to give a presentation, by the way.) ;) Remember that the way that you disclose says more about your own relationship to herpes and what you think about it than anything.