mr_hopp

1) Alternatives to Acyclovir: Many people take Lysine to lessen and prevent outbreaks. At least it's more natural than something that ends in "cyclovir" ... ;) But are you allergic to other medications, such as Valtrex or famciclovir? 2) Lower back pain: That would make sense since the virus "camps out" in the base of the spine (the sacral ganglia). I've heard of people having lower back pain and pain in the thighs before and during outbreaks; whatever nerve pathway the virus takes from the base of the spine to the surface of the skin can have pain/tingling associated with it. 3) I haven't heard of a nonstop 9-month outbreak before, no. But the good news is I have heard of plenty of people suffering with a lot of outbreaks initially and once their body's immune system strengthens up and gets used to the virus, the outbreaks calm down and lessen in quantity and severity. Just take care of yourself physically, psychologically and emotionally. Do you stress yourself out consistently? Do you smoke like a smokestack? Do you eat McDonalds for every meal? Good excuse to take care of yourself across the board. Think of your outbreaks as a physical signal to take better care of yourself. It's your health barometer. ;) 4) Hell no you can't die from this! What ever made you think that? Whoa, back away from the ledge. ;) Ultimately, herpes is a glorified skin condition. Period. That's it. Who knows why our society has made such a big deal out of it. In the grand scheme of things, it's so minor when it comes to your physical health. (That's why doctors will rarely give a prescription for it or forward you for counseling, because as far as they are concerned, it's simply not a serious health risk. At all.) It's become more of a psychological risk (our mental wellness) due to our beloved societal stigma against it. But as long as we know that herpes doesn't define us and we don't make that stigma about us as human beings, we're fine. A good opportunity to recognize the labels we allow ourselves to be defined by and let them go. ;)

Wow, Bittersweet. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I love you and your courage. I know the depths of darkness that you speak of so eloquently. You're clearly an amazingly intelligent person. And it's ironic: Sometimes the most intelligent people have the most vivid imaginations that can lead them down the scariest, deepest paths. And when you're in negativity and foul, oozing thoughts, that imagination spirals down deep. The more you allow yourself to sink deeper into your own darkness, the more fears manifest themselves into a reality that doesn't serve you or your beautiful child, or anyone else for that matter. And I know what that's like, too. I was in that pit of despair for years. YEARS. And sometimes it takes suffering in that for a while before you realize you want out. Have you heard that cliché of hitting a wall? Sounds like that's where you're coming to. Congratulations. We're here to give you a hand up and out ... I'm proud of you for coming here. You felt immense fear. And you spoke out anyway. For your own good. For the good of your child. You know the best way to vanquish shame? It's to share what you are ashamed of. When you're vulnerable with sharing what you're ashamed of and still accepted for who you are instead of what you have, the shame washes away into self-acceptance. And you are beautiful. I can see it through your writing. I can see who you are. You deserve to accept yourself. You've been beating yourself up for too long. It's time for a change. And coming on this site, pushing past the fear, shows that there's something that you're fighting for. Something that's worth it. I'm excited for you to find what that is and keep fighting for it. What Lelani said is beautiful. Yes, I promise you, love is bigger than herpes. Love your child. Don't hold that back. The only way to transfer herpes is in skin-to-skin contact during an outbreak or shedding. That's it. You have a lot of love to give. And a child that needs it. And if you haven't heard about it yet, check out the weekend seminar I'll be putting on in late October in North Carolina. I'd be happy to talk with you about it if you're interested. And if it sounds scary to fly to NC to attend a weekend seminar on your relationship to herpes and ultimately yourself, then that might just be telling you something important. ;) Here are the details: http://herpesopportunity.com

Great advice all around, Lelani and inspired! (As always) ;) Yeah, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to get medication. Definitely find a doctor who is more knowledgeable on herpes and they should give you a prescription. And as far as the "don't take the meds longer than a year" business, I've never heard that. So unless it's a law only in the UK, I'd chalk that up to misinformation. ;) (Note: I'm not a doctor, so this is layman's advice.) I agree with inspired: just keep the meds on hand for emergencies, such as when you're feeling an outbreak coming on (whatever your prodrome signals are: tingles, burning, itching, etc.). You shouldn't have to take suppressive therapy unless your outbreaks are very frequent and severe (which tends to drastically lessen as time goes on, your body builds up immunity and you stay healthy) OR if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't have herpes and you're trying to lessen the chance of passing herpes on to him. I actually suggest that people don't start immediately on suppressive therapy so you can get to know your outbreaks naturally. You could be like many people who after their first outbreak have very few outbreaks for the rest of their life. And even if you have only a few outbreaks a year, that might not necessitate taking medication every day in order to avoid. My girlfriend doesn't have herpes, so I take suppressive therapy (400mg twice a day) to keep her herpes-free, but if I were single, I wouldn't take suppressive therapy at all and just let the outbreaks run their course. Hope this helps, UK girl! Take care of yourself and best of luck to you at the specialist! :)

Hey man in progress, I hear you bro! I got herpes when my girlfriend cheated on me and handed it off. Nice little gift. And now by the sounds of it you have strong integrity, which I totally admire. I went through a phase where my integrity wasn't that strong. I didn't have the courage to tell women I was sleeping with ... I was as safe as possible with them, but I couldn't tell them. The fact that you're telling them is awesome. The fact that they're running away signals one of two possible things (or both): 1. The women you're choosing don't know you well enough yet to take a chance or don't know enough about herpes to make an informed decision or have a lot of stigma around herpes. Maybe you're just having a bad luck spell in telling the kind of women that simply aren't right for you! (Herpes can be a damn good filter sometimes, believe it or not. The woman who is right for you is going to accept you having herpes. Period.) AND/OR 2. The way you are disclosing that you have herpes is scaring them off. It's interesting how we can transmit our own stigma and false beliefs about this virus when we're disclosing. It's not so much what you're saying during the herpes talk that matters, it's how you say it; it's the feeling behind the words. That says everything about how you feel about yourself. A lot is said on that level of communication.Getting right with ourselves first is necessary to have a positive herpes disclosure. If you haven't already, download the free e-book on positive herpes disclosure. It gives a great overview of this idea: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP Keep your head up, man in progress. I love your screen name. You certainly are a man in progress. We're all progressing. And it's our decision in which direction we progress in. Sounds like you're on a good path, bro. Thanks for reaching out!

My prodrome is a tingly/itchy/slightly burning sensation only in the spot that my outbreaks normally show up. I've heard of other people's prodrome sensations being intense pain in the nerves of their thighs (very common), but I haven't experienced that myself. Even though I have no way of knowing whether this is true or not, I suspect that whenever I feel that prodrome-type feeling, that is actually when the virus is shedding (viral shedding happens about 5-10% of the time and is just as contagious as an actual outbreak, even though there are no visible signs or symptoms). That happens more times than not: I get the prodrome feeling, but no outbreak follows. When I do feel that prodrome feeling, I do my damndest to take a handful (~800mg) of Acyclovir in anticipation of an outbreak. Sometimes I have an outbreak, sometimes I don't. Hard to say whether it's the Acyclovir, fate or my witchdoctor that dodges the actual outbreak ... And impossible to say without a double-blind study and two identical copies of me ... ;) Also, to this day, I haven't been able to pin down any one or two definite things that make me have an outbreak, whether it's sunlight, stress, chocolate, coffee, rough sex (I'll be damned if I'll be cutting out all of that except for stress!) And it's also hard to come up with a definitive culprit that causes a herpes outbreak when I only get 1-2 outbreaks per year these days ...

What is your feeling about it? It sounds by how you talk about him that you have a solid relationship even though it's only been 3 months. I generally suggest to people to have the herpes talk face-to-face so you have the intimacy that such vulnerability deserves, but this may call for something different. If you disclose to him that you have herpes at the beginning of this weekend together and he decides he can't take the chance of getting herpes, then how do you see the rest of the weekend going? And this is not to be negative about it (assuming that he's going to reject herpes), but it's important to plan for the worst, expect the best. If you have the worst case scenario planned for, then you can go into the disclosure with a clear mind and without shame.

Here's a new video I just put together ... What do you think?

Ah, well this should ease your troubled mind: Of all the stories I've heard, I haven't heard of someone whose outbreaks get worse as time goes on. Your awesome body is busy building up antibodies to suppress the virus, so they will successively become less and less ... As far as suppressive therapy is concerned (I'm no doctor, so take this at face value), I say hold off on that until 1) you realize you NEED it (if for whatever slim chance the outbreaks get worse), 2) you become intimate with someone who doesn't have the same strain (HSV1, HSV2) that you do and want to protect them, or 3) you feel the tingly sensation that signals an outbreak is coming on (you'll get to know this feeling) or catch the outbreak early on so that taking a large dose of Valtrex or Acyclovir will minimize the outbreak (consult your doctor for this dose). Who knows, you may only get 1-2 outbreaks per year (like me), which wouldn't necessitate medicating yourself (in my book). Just keep yourself healthy (mind and body) and see how it shakes out is my suggestion. Love yourself and your body will follow suit. I totally believe that. Big hug!

So your question is how you got it and how you can be sure you got it from? The short answer is there's no way to tell. You'll never know for sure. But that's just seems like taking the easy way out answering your post, doesn't it? ;) You could have gotten herpes from either man, but what you describe about having a heaviness in your thighs and swollen lymph nodes from the year-ago guy sounds consistent with a lot of other first-herpes-outbreak stories I hear at the local support group and on this site. But again, there's no way to know for sure. Your 5 year guy could have given it to you during a viral shedding episode (which happens about 10% of the time, which could have been passed to you even with condom use depending on where his outbreaks happen). Herpes outbreaks aren't always nicely timed right after a herpes infection. They don't coincide in a clear way. For example, the way I got herpes was my girlfriend at the time cheating on me with her ex over Christmas, contracting herpes, then during her first outbreak having sex with me and we just thought she was just raw (classy, huh?) ;) So I'm 99% sure that's where I originally got it. She called me the day after that wondrous day (lol) saying the doctor said for sure she was in the midst of an outbreak. I freaked. I began patiently waiting for some huge herpes outbreak to sprout up. A few weeks later, I came down with a bad case of the flu, swollen lymph nodes, and it hurt when I peed, but no actual herpes outbreak anywhere on my body. There was no IgG test at that time, so I couldn't know for sure if I had the antibodies for herpes. The longer I waited without an outbreak, the more I convinced myself that I had dodged a bullet. Wow, right? What are the chances? Yeah, then it happened. I had an actual full-on outbreak years later. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been SUPER safe since I thought some sort of a higher power had saved me and I promised myself and it that I wouldn't take those sorts of chances … ever … again. But there it was. I couldn't deny it. It had laid dormant in my body for years and then randomly came up. Yeah, herpes can be lazy sometimes. Does that help at all? For what it's worth, I know of quite a few stories that parallel my own, so it's not so random. That's why so many people have trouble finding out patient 0 when it comes to their original herpes infector.

Oh, it would be amazing to have you there, Lelani! And I get that traveling around the world for a herpes seminar might be a bit much. How about we skype you in at some point during the weekend? Special guest appearance by the one and only Lelani! (I'm actually serious about that, by the way.) ;) Big hug!

Already got some interest! Exciting! We're going to have quite a great crew of people!

Hi all! I'm excited and honored to announce the upcoming interactive weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, all about breaking the shame of herpes and moving into self-acceptance and relationship. So many people believe that herpes is a dead end, but this weekend will be all about proving that dead wrong. It's going to be a super inspiring three (3) days filled with support, love, compassion, vulnerability, fun, friendship, growth and transformation. Sound good? I'd love to have you there! Have any questions? Visit the link below or private message me for anything else! Looking forward to an amazing weekend with you all! http://herpesopportunity.com ***EARLY BIRD DISCOUNTS END SOON!*** (email me directly about payment plans, scholarships)

Hi CanadianGuy, Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, tangled. Quite the dilemma, huh? So I'm curious: How would you respond in this situation if the roles were reversed and she came out with this information to you? (And FYI, this isn't a rhetorical question; all relationships are different and it sounds like your relationship is more on the open side vs. monogamous. So I'm really just curious about how you would respond based on knowing your relationship best.)

Hey mc41 ... If I understand you correctly, you slept with someone new and then immediately found out you already had genital herpes? If that's so, my suggestion is quite simplistic: Be honest about exactly that. Tell this person you didn't know and you just found out. You want to make sure they knew as soon as you knew. The sooner the better so it doesn't seem like you're trying to hide anything from them. If you didn't know, you didn't know. They can't hold that against you. I appreciate your integrity for wanting to disclose.

Hey FML, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I know it hurts. Breaking up is always hard to do when you really care about someone and it sounds like you cared about this guy. It's common to feel the way you feel (I know I did for quite a while). And I know it hurts. Feels like there's no possible way that anyone will ever want someone with herpes, right? And realize it's just how you feel right now in this moment. It's not the truth. It just seems like it. Don't shortchange yourself and your future by convincing yourself of things that will make you sad or feel like less of a person. You deserve to feel happy. And you deserve to mourn, too. Feel sad if it feels healthy to feel that. And also realize you have a whole loving community here to support you when you need it.

I hear you, sen. And Lelani does have a great way about her, doesn't she? :) I offer coaching services if you are interested. Private message me if you'd like to explore that. I will also be doing a Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop in North Carolina (tentatively planned for October 2012). It's going to be a powerful and supportive environment for you to shift your relationship to herpes and yourself in a positive way. I'm super excited and inspired to be putting this on. Would you be interested in getting more info on that?

Thanks for posting this reminder, DyingInside! Yes, your body is building up its immunity. You must be taking good care of yourself (another good side effect of having herpes). ;) I'm so glad to see you back here to the forum! So glad. :)

Thank you for sharing your story here, breatheandletgo ... (and I love your screen name, by the way) ... The parts that specifically jumped out at me: - "I didn't have a self to give to anyone" - I love how you made this distinction. I know I can relate to this. I expected that I was going to be enough if someone else loved me, but when it came down to it, I hadn't even gotten to know myself yet and love myself. That whole cliché is absolutely true: You have to love yourself (and know yourself) before someone else can love (and know) you. - "Holding someone hostage with guilt is not love" - Wow, yes. I've heard so many people staying in relationships out of guilt or other negative feelings. It's so unhealthy and sad that we can do this to ourselves. And I get it, too. Relationship dynamics are complex. I'm glad you realized you didn't have to stay in the guilt. - You have a lot of courage to leave a marriage that wasn't right for you. It sounds like you're flexing that muscle of trusting yourself, trusting your inner judgment. Once you start following that, magic happens (at least in my experience) - "I truly believe our greatest challenges are opportunities in disguise and I want to live out that truth" - Yes! I've heard it also put that walls are put in the way of our dreams to see how much we really want to achieve them. Beautiful perspective-shift. - "I don't want to waste time being angry or sad anymore. I want to live in hope." - I also don't want you to shame yourself when you do feel angry or sad, though. It's a slippery slope. Honoring what you're feeling in the moment is crucial, while also noticing if you are wallowing and not allowing yourself to move on and live your life. It's a balancing act. Also, keep in mind that hope can be a sneaky thing. It may just hold us back from living. Read this blog article on that: http://herpeslife.com/the-key-to-being-happy-with-herpes-give-up-hope/ - "I am certain I am here for a reason, and I am grateful for each one of your stories. I have read them, and in doing so found the voice to share mine, too." - Thank you. You have summed up what this website is all about. Each one of us props one another up so we can eventually stand on our own two feet and live life full out. - "here's to making Herpes sexy in 2012" - How about we make YOU sexy in 2012? I think that's a way more deserving goal. ;) Thank you for your post, breatheandletgo. I look forward to getting to know you more.

Heya leslie_c! I think you just expelled sage advice unwittingly. Whoops! ;) Thanks for that. :) And here's a blog post on the whole "whatever happens happens" philosophy (also known as "If this, then what?"). If we can let go of how it *should* be and concentrate on how it *is* and move into how we *want* it to be from there, we'll all be more happy and less stressed. (And yes, I'm also saying this just as much for myself as for others.) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/

Reading your post has me feeling sad ... Sad that you would believe things that would hold you back from feeling loved (by yourself first, then by others). You don't deserve to have those kinds of thoughts about yourself. But I remember having those thoughts take me over for so long. I feel protective over your heart. You don't have to believe these things and you don't have to waste all the time that I wasted believing that I didn't deserve a good partner. And sometimes all the suffering naturally leads to us simply having to change it out of necessity. If you suffer long enough, it's bound to push you into changing a lot of things about yourself. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. But remember that the first roadblock to our happiness is usually ourselves, not our life circumstances.

I got chills down my spine when I read the last part of your post, penelope81105 ... Thank you! Yes, this is what it's all about. Honesty and integrity leads us to owning the beauty that we are underneath it all. I'm reading a book now called "Getting Real" all about how telling the truth is a path to self-realization. Fascinating concept. Owning how you're feeling in the moment, sharing your honest thoughts and opinions with people, all of this is a practice in making our insides match our outsides ... for so many of us, we cover up how we're really feeling, we create masks and illusions. We are in denial about what is actually real. It leads to us not being able to trust ourselves ... I know I had felt that way for a lot of my life. I spent so much of my energy covering up the stuff that I was convinced if anyone knew about me that they'd hate me (the epitome of shame). But the more I share what's really going on with me with those around me, the more connected I feel — not just to them, but to myself! Herpes is just one component to that. What does having herpes really say about me? I get to determine that for myself. I get to determine the beliefs that I have about herpes. I choose to not believe that I am some diseased person. And even moreso, I focus on who I really am, what I'm really feeling, and I find solid, loving people to surround myself with who will support me and allow me to support them in that.

Hi lost, Sorry that your post here got buried. I just now noticed that it was never answered. First off, have you downloaded the e-book on positive herpes disclosure? It has a lot of great perspective-shifters in there. Good place to start ... https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook Second of all, I hear that you're overwhelmed and terrified that he will tell others. And I also want to share something: Life in general is risky! Not only disclosing that you have herpes. Living your life to the fullest is risky. It requires us to step outside of our comfort zone sometimes. It requires us to do things in service of the kind of life we want. And we'll NEVER have absolutely no obstacles to overcome. If it weren't herpes, it'd be something else. Yes, disclosing to your guy might lead to him telling other people. Worst case scenario is okay to notice and be aware of, but please don't expect it. Then none of us would ever get anywhere! 🙂 This is not to downplay what you're feeling or to say that you *should* disclose to him. This is only to give you a more expansive perspective about it not just being about herpes. It's about how we engage with life and its obstacles.

I've been working on a "disclosure cheat sheet" ... a one-pager that can be handed off after a disclosure that will have all the necessary information they can research on their own time. Here's where you can download this as a pdf and a post-diagnosis informational pdf, too: http://herpeslife.com/resources/

I feel you, geegee. And so cool that you're dating a guy you like so much! That's exciting! And what did you get from reading the e-book? A lot of what is in there helps switch your perspective away from this doom and gloom and into the perspective that is more beneficial and life-affirming. Take a look at where you are: You're getting to a point in your relationship where you feel safe and loved enough to be vulnerable with him! That's great! It's less about the topic of herpes and more about the relationship you feel between you two. You wouldn't just tell any old person at the bus stop that you have herpes, right? Just the fact that you feel you're to the point of telling him is an important milestone to not just step over. It's a special moment. And it means a lot about what you think about this relationship. Sure, it's scary. Sure, it's vulnerable. A lot of things in life that are worth it are scary and vulnerable. Fuck it.* It sounds worth it. *Aside: By the way, for an overview on the "Fuck it" philosophy, here's a video of our beloved Ice-T explaining it: And remember that disclosing shows so much about the kind of person you are and how much you care. And regardless of how he responds or whether he even recognizes that, you are acting from a solid place of integrity and self-love. Focus on the excitement of the relationship going to a deeper level, not on the possibility that he'll reject you. Notice what you're choosing to focus on and how that has you feel. You don't have control over how he's going to react, but you do have control over your own relationship to yourself and the topic. Good luck, geegee! I, for one, am excited for you and the possibility of where this disclosure might take this relationship.

Wow, how does it feel beating yourself up like this? I feel like giving you a stern talking-to about how horribly you treat yourself ... ;) Yes, you had unprotected sex, yes your boyfriend accepts you with herpes (Yay! Congrats, by the way!), and yes, you have no right to call yourself a selfish piece of shit because you contracted herpes and now want to be in a perfectly good relationship for you. People accept each other in relationships in spite of all kinds of stuff. Everyone has their shit. Herpes happens to be one of your things that he accepts. I'm sure you accept a lot about him, too. That's what relationship is all about. You accept the "bad" with the "good" (if you even want to label things like that). You gotta work on some good old-fashioned self-love and compassion, sista! If a friend were telling you the things you tell yourself, would you be their friend? I'd kick that kind of a friend to the curb! And saying all this isn't to guilt you and shame you even more ... Goodness knows you don't need more of that. But I hope you snap to and realize that putting yourself through this "I'm horrible" shit isn't doing anyone any GOOD. And that's the hard truth. Yes, you got herpes. Now what? What are you going to have it mean? That you're dirty, disgusting and shameful OR that you realize the beautiful person you are in spite of having this simple virus/skin condition? Do you realize you're the kind of person that this "beautifully amazing man" loves deeply? Does he love the dirty, disgusting part of you that you're choosing to make loom over you? Or does he love something more? Try focusing on the parts of you that are worthy of loving. See what shifts. It's your choice. Much love, Brooke. I care less whether you keep your head up or down and more about how you treat yourself. If you can't stand up for yourself, then I will. Big hug.