fitgirl

@earthquake_grl good call! Totally not a post in keeping with the vein of this forum @herpetologist I am a 42yr old mom and found myself back in the dating scene at 38. You don't need to date H+ women unless you happen to find one! So many of us have faced our fears of disclosure and had exceptionally good relationships with H- people. The disclosures are hard but they build character and they allow us to dig deep and figure out what matters most to us. There are so many people in the world that won't judge and will love unconditionally...Herpes or not. There may be bumps along the way (pardon the pun) but...... some of the most connected relationships come from being vulnerable and taking risks. You did it once already and even though it didn't work long term, you have a beautiful child and the rest of your life ahead of you.... jump in ;)

Check out this thread... at first it's hard to laugh about it but herpes CAN be funny! Check out this thread http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2552/my-epiphany-herpes-is-in-fact-a-joke#latest As for the HPV/HSV..... its all too common. Everyone gets come form hpv eventually :). It seems devastating when you first find out and you have symptoms to deal with but don't allow that to bring you down, you have just joined a club that virtually everyone belongs too :) HSV1 and HPV are extremely common. Once you get past the initial stages of the viruses, you will be able to see the humor in it. Take care ;)

Great interview! I could relate greatly to it on so many levels. When I did my interview with @adrial for the herpes opportunity guide/home study I went through a similar sense of FREEDOM in putting myself and my face out there. I will always be thankful to adrial for offering me that one last opportunity to de shackle myself from herpes and the the stigma that held me back. After discussing the interview opportunity with adrial and asking my H- man how he felt about it I took the last and final step towards my "fuck herpes" attitude. It was important to me to consult with my man even though my instinct was that it's not his decision to make it was up to me and he didn't get a vote...... but then I realized he DID get a vote because it wasn't just MY story. Well.... as a true testament to the man he is, he worried. He worried about ME. He didn't give a shit who I told, he just wanted to protect ME. That dialouge with him and Adrial's support and understanding through the thought process changed everything for me. I wanted to let it go, get it out and I wanted to be true to myself. It was a changing day for me, I didn't have to post it for the world to see for it to liberate me. Thanks to adrial, Ella and anyone else who is owning herpes and taking away it's power over them I give much props!

@kozy if you tested negative for HSV1 and 2, 6 months ago it is quite possible he does have hsv2 and you got it from him. Most people don't know they have it and as such he could unknowingly carry it and have passed it on to you. It doesn't matter who had the "first" outbreak, the virus is tricky and doesn't present in everyone. Another option is that you contracted it shortly before you met him and didn't show positive on the initial test because it was too early. Third possibility..... you had it 6 months ago but it was a false negative depending on the testing method. Regardless....... he should get tested and his results can determine (if he has it) whether he has had it for a while or not. If he doesn't have it, great! You can still have a healthy sexual relationship. I would HEAR what he is saying and it sounds to me like he loves you and it really doesn't matter. A lot of people (men in particular) tend to not freak out as much as us ladies and when they are in love, they worry even less (just in my experience). Herpes is just herpes, it doesn't have to change anything in your relationship especially when that is what he is saying. Until he proves otherwise.... believe him! Sometimes we project onto others what our own fears are and we don't allow the other person to express their true feelings and be believed :). At the end of the day, you guys will be golden as long as you are open and honest and you accept that herpes can suck but it's hardly a game changer. Don't let it have more power than it needs to, it's a process to accept the virus but you have a great start with a man who isn't freaking out. And by the way..... we can't always know who gave us herpes, we don't always figure out which partner had it first. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how you got it or from whom, you have it. It's not the end of life as you know it, just a bump in the road (or vagina). Having lived with herpes for over 15 years I can tell you that life is just as golden (and moreso) than it was when I was oblivious to this silly little virus ;) Keep us posted, stay open and good luck!

When you say new to herpes..... how new are you? If you are REALLY new, then for sure abstain during prodrome and OB's until you are both able to build up antibodies

@iltemwp66061 Having sex at the beginning of an OB "may" lead to her having an OB but it would be more as a result of sex itself (rubbing etc) than it is about the OB. There is some evidence that when you are new to the virus it can "spread" to other areas but generally speaking, if you both have hsv2 on the genitals, and have had the virus for a while it shouldn't make a difference. I tend to get OB's in numerous spots on my genitals as well as my tailbone, other people tend to get them in the same spot but the virus is in the nerves and can show up in more than one location on that nerve network. I have had sex numerous times over the years with an H+ partner before, during and after an OB and it had zero effect on him! (he RARELY had OB's). My opinion is, if you feel like having sex and your wife does too then do it! The general rule of thumb is to avoid sex during an OB but there are many reasons for that, you have to mutually decide if you want to abstain or not. Another option is to use some sex toys and have fun with each other in other ways :)

@Lotus45 well..... Herpes lives in the nerves and can travel down nerve endings and can shed in areas not specific to his typical OB's. Some people OB in the same place all the time but others have them present anywhere on the nerve pathways. I get OB's on my tailbone, anus and vagina! The suppressive meds DO significantly reduce the risk as does the condom but nothing is 100%. That said, this doesn't have to change your sexual relationship... you can still have a healthy sex life with herpes. Help him get educated about the virus since he clearly is very uniformed. Regardless of how this goes, you shouldn't have to feel like you are a prisoner to this virus. Maybe his reaction to herpes is a sign of things to come...... think about that. Good luck!

@Lotus45 what am I missing here? He has genital hsv1, you have genital hsv2..... what exactly is he afraid of? Herpes is herpes. He already has herpes and it doesn't matter whether it comes with a 1 or 2 behind it! YOU are the one MOST at risk here.... and that is only in the case of oral sex. HSV1 can much more easily be passed from his junk to your mouth and it's extremely rare for hsv2 to be passed from your lady parts to his mouth so I am not clear are what this guy's problem is??? He doesn't want to get hsv2 on his genitals where he already has herpes? Am I reading that right? If so, that is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long time. Not to mention his idiotic rationalization that one is no big deal and the other is somehow "worse". Wow, just goes to show that they don't teach common sense in law school. Move on, this guy sounds like he has more issues than herpes.

@cyclist92 so glad to hear that!! I wish you all the best :) And.....you likely don't have herpes but even if you do get it, its not the worst thing in the world (even though some people feel like it is). Once you get a handle on the symptoms, it's all a state of mind... I have had it for many, many years and have a happy and full life with an amazing H- man. I hope to never give it to him but if I do, we will be in it together without judgment. Regardless of what happens in your current relationship, keep being the amazing person you are.

@cyclist92 you have done a stellar job of being a supportive and loving partner and you deserve the same in return. I don't disagree with @dancer regarding the shame and stigma and the need for counseling. Hopefully your GF can get past the feelings she has associated with herpes but I am curious if you were to take herpes out of the equation, would she still have other insecurities? The reason I ask is because it sounds like there are deeper seeded issues at play here. Herpes tends to magnify pre existing issues rather than be the sole CAUSE of them. Your desire to protect yourself is natural and normal and 100% OK, what is NOT ok is how she is reacting to your request for a condom and suppressive meds. You should feel ZERO guilt about wanting to wear a condom and it saddens me to hear that you are feeling badly about that. I can empathize with your GF and the feelings she is having but I'm sorry, I cannot, under any circumstance support her position on this. You are worthy of protection and the fact that you are having sex with her without a condom to make HER feel better seems like you are putting HER feelings ahead of YOURS. If you were asking about the risk of transmission without a condom because YOU didn't want to wear one, this would be a very different conversation. That is not the case here. Yes there is risk and yes it can happen. If you don't want herpes (and who does) you should follow your gut and be protected, that is your right and if she loves you as much as you love her she will see this from your point of view not just hers. Shame and fear and stigma are real but they aren't a free pass to absolve us of our responsibility to protect the ones we love as much as we can. A relationship with this kind of power struggle over something as intimate and important as sex won't end well no matter how much you love her. I don't mean to be a negative Nelly here.... I am just trying to help you see that you are a good man and a good person and you need to be sure you are being true to yourself and honest with her. That is the only way you will work through this and have a happy and healthy relationship.

@Onelife Often people react to things they are uncomfortable with through avoidance. They often don't know what to say or how to react so they stay silent and avoid the situation. Sometimes they come around in time and sometimes they don't. Don't take it personally! (I know that's hard). But..... this isn't about you, it's about fear and the unknown. You will learn that herpes does not define who you are it merely illuminates what is important to you and what is authentic in the people you meet. You would have negative reactions and experiences in the dating world even if you didn't have herpes! People disappoint us and let us down all the time for so many different reasons herpes is merely one of many things in life that challenges relationships. I can tell you that it does get better!!! I have had herpes for over 15 years and I can tell you that you will experience way more positives in life than negatives and you will one day see herpes as your gift to finding more fulfilling relationships built on love and authenticity rather than superficial and sexual foundations. Herpes weeds out the guys you would have dumped or would have dumped you anyway! The way I see it, saves you the time and energy finding out what type of men they really are. That said, don't rule out the possibility that over time some people will get educated and realize that they have no reason to avoid or reject you, sometimes we need to lead them down the path of enlightenment. Doesn't make them bad people, just uniformed. I agree that slowing down and finding out who you are is the best next step. The fear of being alone will lead you into the wrong relationships and the fear of being alone become a self fulfilling prophecy, don't make decisions based on fear.... those decisions never end well. Learn to love being with yourself and you will attract a whole lot of people who will love being with you. This all gets better, trust me.

@mandymoon I love it when brave people stand up and show the world that they will not be controlled by stigma and ignorance....... I remember when Magic Johnson announced he had HIV. Imagine, a black professional athlete in an Era when HIV and AIDS had a HORRIFIC stigma and potential death sentence, that man had the bravery to step out of the shadows and become the fave of HIV/AIDS. Phenomenal man. Speaking of phenomenal brave people... @Adrial is on that list! That's why we are all here and why I personally conquered my fears surrounding disclosure. Maybe the post should read: hooray Ella, Bruce and Adrial ;)

@EllaMight You are going to be Okay. This is sooooo new to you and it's raw and fresh. The early days are the hardest by far and I have to say, you are light years ahead of most at this stage in your new diagnosis. Sometimes mom's can be harsh and not so understanding. They can project their own feelings, insecurities and fears on to their children. Unfortunately our parents are not immune to ignorance (my mother often does the same to me about all kinds of things). Remember this.... you are the same Ella you were before. You aren't dirty and you did nothing wrong. You are beautiful and sexy and lovable. This will pass and you will grow stronger tomorrow than you are today. Cry, let it out. Grieve, get mad, be sad, do whatever you need to do to release the pain and fear. Then.....get up, dust yourself off and STAND TALL. Fuck the stigma. Own your reality and keep loving yourself. It does get easier and one day you will look back and see that herpes is your gift, it will elevate you to new levels and allow you to see people and relationships in a whole new light. I hope your mom comes around and sees how misinformed she is..... but even of she doesn't, don't allow her to bring you down or define you in any negative way. That's HER shit, not yours. Look yourself in the mirror and repeat after me.... "Ella you are perfectly imperfect and I love you"

@EllaMight I find that straight up, straight forward communication is the best approach. Humor and "as a matter of fact....." or "BTW....." start to a convo can make it more of a casual, lighter discussion that doesn't have to come off as preachy or condescending. We ALL know more about herpes only because we now have it so it helps to remember you were oblivious to it once too :) Herpes is all about perspective and a state of mind.... laughing about it and accepting it is setting an example that we don't have to let it bring us down or stigmatize us and that will lead others towards tolerance and understanding. Don't you find that you are less judgmental about all things in life than you were before you got herpes? I sure as hell am! Regardless of what we are or what we have, we are still valuable. You are doing sooo well for a newbie, keep it up!! And I love that you have your pic on your profile. I know it's hard for a lot of people but the more we put a face to herpes the less shame and negativity will surround it. We don't have anything to be ashamed of and we don't have to hide.... its just herpes and we are still beautiful and sexy and funny and smart. Anyone who doesn't see that is a fool and we don't need those people in our lives anyway :)

@ellamight and @Robyn_ You ladies might enjoy this thread! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2552/my-epiphany-herpes-is-in-fact-a-joke#latest

@cyclist92 Wow! You are one smart, patient and thorough young man! I am going to leave the medical questions to @WCSDancer2010 since I am not nearly as informed on those topics! But I will say this...... I have had herpes for over 15 years and have had relationships with both H+ and H- men. Disclosures are always really hard and really scary and as much as I don't condone what she did AT ALL, I do understand how she felt and why she was afraid to tell you. THAT SAID, I am concerned with her attitude and approach to this, it is worrisome to me. (on your behalf). Combining all the issues of her having sex with you unprotected multiple times without disclosing, her not wanting to talk more in detail about herpes, her not wanting to get educated and connect with others who can help and her not willing to continue the medication and condom use to protect YOU sends up a lot of red flags that concern me. Regardless of the risk however small or large that may be, she should respect you and love you enough to do whatever it took to keep you as safe as possible. If you were the one who didn't want to use a condom or have her take the meds, that would be a completely different story. There is no argument or justification for her to stop the meds or stop using condoms as long as YOU request it. As a woman with herpes and a boyfriend without herpes, I believe it is MY duty to keep my man safe (I can't guarantee he won't get herpes from me but I can damn well do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent it). Unfortunately your GF has continually put you at risk and is acting very selfishly and immaturely on all levels. This isn't all about HER! It's actually about YOU and whether she loves and respects you enough. Everything you have done and said have been supportive and natural things to do and say. The questions and desire for info and the desire to protect yourself is YOUR RIGHT and should not be taken as a rejection of her or that she is "dirty". It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and you are a compassionate man...... go with your instincts and really try to get to the bottom of this with her. Look long and hard at the relationship, do what is right for you. It sounds to me like herpes might be illuminating some important character traits in your GF that are not very redeeming and maybe, just maybe herpes is your wingman in this situation. It has a tendency to teach us things about ourselves and others. I for one would never dream of not taking my meds and using a condom if it made my boyfriend feel better and more at ease and knowing that it is lowering the risk of transmission substantially, its a no brainer. Try talking to her and being honest about your feelings and position on everything you have said here. Hopefully she will understand you better and come around. If she doesn't, I would rethink this relationship.

@Syracuse Yep. It's normal. It's happened to me more than once. My man doesn't care if he gets it and actually "tries" to! It's not a big deal for everyone and when someone loves you its not a deal breaker or an issue to them so don't let it be one to YOU. Protect him if he will let you but don't feel responsible for him, he can decide for himself. So much of herpes is state of mind and while symptoms can be a pain in the ass, its just a skin condition as we have said a million times on this forum. My men have been fully informed and aware of the risks and they have chosen to proceed without hesitation and without the need or desire for me to try to protect them. I still choose to take suppressive meds but it's only because I want to, not because HE wants me to. There are no guarantees your relationship will last forever but there are a lot of people more than willing to live with those consequences. We are the lucky ones to have men like these in our lives, embrace it! :)

@WCSDancer2010 Yes, yes we do! I am glad to hear you say that you get a lot back from the form because we all know how much you GIVE. I think it would be a blast to participate in an H Opp weekend, I love when progressive people work together and ignite others to change their lives. Inspiring and empowering others is what I do for a living and the biggest reward is witnessing the transformation. You do that every day on this forum and deserve props for that!

@ihaveittoo1975 Based on your screen name, you are my vintage! And...... based on another thread, I get you. You are totally right, @wcsdancer2010 is a saint when it comes to this forum. Her patience and commitment to this forum is unbelievable. As yes... you were also right about the fact that I am a pretty cool chick. JK... sorta ;) my point is..... Herpes doesn't change the fact that I am sexy and confident and smart. And as you posted in a different thread, you thought that pretty chicks would want to deal with herpes I can tell you this for damn sure...... hot chicks have herpes too and even if they didn't, not all hot chicks are dumb as shit and shallow as fuck. The question is.... are YOU ok with it? I have actually often dated the quirky, non-pretty boy because those men were way more attractive to ME. They were actually so much more authentic. Authentic is HOT. Pretty is not important to me but substance is. We are all human and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And damn straight, MILF is a badge I wear proudly. Herpes or not.

@janeyjazz I love to hear these stories and epiphanies and realizations! The whole intent of this forum is to pick people up, dust them off and send them back into the world with information, hope, pride and love so they see that life is GOOD! Herpes is just a detour on the long road of life and pursuit of happiness. You have clearly done a great job of realizing that your destiny was awaiting you to fulfill it. Congrats on the 10k and good luck in the half marathon! As for dating.... you will go through another learning curve and yes it will be scary but you will get through that too. You will find love again. Herpes is all about perspective. The more you accept it, the more acceptable it becomes. All a state of mind really. Even the physical symptoms diminish and become less of a burden. This is all just another stage of life, keep growing and your life will just keep getting better. As you said, the next crossroads you face with herpes will be easier to manage because you can always come back here! Stigma and ignorance will be around but you can rise above it. Falling in love is hard regardless, herpes is a small challenge in the big picture. Keep moving forward and keep that positive attitude and your life will be as amazing as you want it to be. Stayed connected and keep us posted! Oh and...... Old Bird???? That's crazy talk! I am 42 and feel the sexiest I have ever felt! MILF might be a more accurate reference :)

Ok, fair enough. BUT it seems to me that he is ok with the risk and since he was in a relationship with someone with the same virus for 15yrs, he actually means what he is saying. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and it seems to me he is the perfect situation to do that. You will discover that it's not as bad as you think, its just real life. Please start living your real life again, don't be your own worst enemy, be your number one fan. LET SOMEONE LOVE YOU BUT FIRST LOVE YOURSELF. Herpes is just herpes. It's not what defines YOU

@ihaveittoo1975 You are completely right.... often the "pretty" people of both genders are more superficial because that is the world they live in and they don't always elevate themselves beyond that. Truth is.... many of those people have huge insecurities and rely on their looks as the foundation of relationships. Clearly, looks don't last forever and even when you are physically beautiful, you get annoying and unattractive over time if you are ignorant and shallow (in my experience). Herpes is just allowing you to learn that lesson sooner than later. After all, how many hot people end up divorced and fighting over money and houses...just as many "average" people actually... shallow is shallow. Looks or not, you need to hold yourself to a higher standard. You will attract what you project. Be a good person with depth and you will eventually attract the same.

@whitedaisies what do you mean??? You ended it, why?

@Life_changing101 Completely normal! Herpes lives in the nerves and you can get OB's anywhere in the nerve network where you contracted the virus. (it stays localized but not necessarily always in the same exact location). I get OB's in many different locations of my vagina, also rectum and tailbone. Each person has different experiences with OB's but your experience is totally normal.

@cariboo Yes, that sounds like the same as mine if I get 30 at a time. Totally lucky to have coverage also! RX and dental are the few things in Canada we don't get fully covered for so I guess over all we are still ahead of the game. It's just unfortunate for those who can't afford it.